Breaking the Boy Code - Introduction

00:00:00.000 This episode is dedicated to Bryson, who suicided on February 11th at age 12.

00:00:07.940 How do you stop a man from being violent?

00:00:11.800 Like, if we think of celebrities like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Ben Affleck,

00:00:18.480 and the Hollywood scandal that sort of sparked a lot of this conversation this past year,

00:00:23.040 as well as hashtag MeToo, right?

00:00:25.780 that social media campaign that brought to light that we're not just talking about

00:00:31.000 hotshot people in Hollywood or, you know, or athletes or politicians.

00:00:37.080 We're talking about our friends, our brothers, our sons.

00:00:43.100 So how do you stop a man from being violent is really a question that's more like,

00:00:47.520 how do you stop the college student who's taking things too far?

00:00:50.460 How do you stop the guy at the bar who won't back down or the dad whose words are fists?

00:00:55.780 On one hand, these are complex issues, and the answer is not one thing.

00:01:02.400 But at the same time, all of these men have one thing in common.

00:01:09.300 Boyhood.

00:01:11.300 So how do you stop a man from being violent?

00:01:14.240 You talk to him when he's a boy.

00:01:17.640 My name is Jonathan Reed, and you're listening to Breaking the Boy Code.

00:01:25.780 this is an intro episode for a new project examining the inner lives of boys i'm calling

00:01:41.360 it breaking the boy code this episode is just me talking i'm jonathan but i'll explain later about

00:01:46.820 the structure of the podcast and in the future it won't be uh just a single person there'll be

00:01:51.880 more to it but first i want to talk about the context for this show at first glance the context

00:01:56.680 is uh arguably ending violence against women and girls which is uh something that maybe just

00:02:05.200 because i've been working on this project i've been seeing this in the media a lot but i feel

00:02:08.400 like it's a conversation that's happening you know this uh i guess like societal reckoning you know

00:02:15.140 with quote unquote toxic masculinity, recognizing how societal expectations are leading to patterns

00:02:22.080 of male violence, things like heterosexuality, but dominance, aggression, all that kind of thing,

00:02:28.340 and how that has brought us to where we are. This isn't a new conversation.

00:02:35.860 You know, like there's been an international day for the elimination of violence against women

00:02:40.020 since 1995, or the White Ribbon Campaign would be another example. That started in 1991.

00:02:44.800 one those are as old as i am but it does feel like it's growing in the last year and a bit we've

00:02:51.480 seen women-led projects like the women's march the me too movement and as well as male-centered

00:02:56.740 projects like justin baldoni's we are man enough the web series or super being labs uh created a

00:03:02.780 book called being mankind so there's this growing conversation that's recognizing and carrying out

00:03:08.860 the message that men have got to be involved in feminism and confronting violence and not just men

00:03:16.960 but that we need to educate boys on how elements of this societal tradition you know of masculinity

00:03:24.600 how that paradigm fits into their lives and their relationships

00:03:28.520 so part of this for boys is conversations on feminism consent respecting women gender equality

00:03:38.160 and that kind of thing, and you see that kind of thing happening on college campuses

00:03:40.560 or in sex ed classes, but if ending violence against women and girls

00:03:44.620 was as easy as having an international day or a march

00:03:49.280 or changing the curriculum, we would be done by now.

00:03:53.060 We wouldn't need to have this conversation.

00:03:56.780 So we've got to look deeper at the ways that boys and men construct,

00:04:00.540 interact, and resist societal tenets of masculinity.

00:04:03.980 looking deeper is not always easy that's kind of a given this isn't necessarily an easy thing

00:04:14.780 that we're doing but for me it i would say it is simple you know or it becomes simple

00:04:19.220 in my experience once you drive that teenager who got in a fistfight home and you realize that his 0.99

00:04:25.640 mom uses the word gay like stupid or you ask a kid what he wants to be when he grows up and he 1.00

00:04:30.420 just says bigger or you run a program and you watch the biggest baddest fuck boy write down 1.00

00:04:35.980 how he feels about himself on a piece of paper and it's the words fake scared self-conscious 0.98

00:04:41.760 i'm gonna uh digress actually and talk about that program briefly because it illustrates the point

00:04:49.720 of looking deeper at masculinity uh so the way i started this program with i think it would have

00:04:56.620 been maybe 12 to 14 year old boys, we brainstormed. If you have, if you take a traditional view of

00:05:02.140 masculinity of, of what's expected to be, to be a real man, what's inside the man box and what's

00:05:08.320 out. And they came up with a tough, athletic, fearless, that kind of thing. No crying, no

00:05:15.780 feminine stuff, being straight, getting girls. I've run it a half dozen times. Same thing every 0.95

00:05:21.220 time of course they're the same answers because everyone knows how you're supposed to be a man

00:05:26.720 and no one knows better than boys

00:05:29.100 so i asked them did you did you all take a class on this you kind of have to picture them sitting

00:05:36.900 there right not answering not really being sure where i'm going with this did you all take a class

00:05:40.620 does someone sit you down and say look see here are the rules here are the rules of how you got

00:05:45.700 to be a man they said no we didn't take a class jonathan we just know i said that's it you just

00:05:52.580 know it's everywhere we learn that stuff from our parents our teachers our friends from movies tv

00:05:58.400 shows media it's ubiquitous it's a code so then we're back to simplicity what we're talking about

00:06:07.780 isn't easy right or small or isolated but it is simple you want to break the cycle of male violence

00:06:14.160 break the code breaking the boycott however it does not mean declaring war on masculinity

00:06:22.980 although it might seem like that's what i'm getting at actually in the session one of the

00:06:30.980 one of the sessions one of the times i did that there was a boy that was like what are you saying

00:06:34.220 that everything inside the man box is bad like give me a break and i admit it might have appeared

00:06:43.740 that way. But for sure, there are times when you've got to be tough. You know, are there

00:06:48.300 reasons to celebrate athleticism or to aspire to be fearless? That's real. So what we're talking

00:06:55.260 about when we're talking about breaking the boy code is challenging the rigidity of traditional

00:07:00.780 masculinity, broadening the spectrum of possibility so that you can be resilient

00:07:07.800 and interdependent you can be physically fit and body positive brave and vulnerable

00:07:14.100 you could be a man and have respectful relationships with women

00:07:19.840 that's not a message that a lot of boys are getting which is why at first glance the context

00:07:26.540 of this podcast is ending violence against women and girls this is sort of illustrated by a writer

00:07:32.900 named jr thorpe who wrote in bustle a few months ago if we're learning anything from the wave of

00:07:37.720 sexual harassment and assault allegations cropping up in the news with every passing day,

00:07:41.820 it's that we are beginning to question the toxic results of enforced masculinity.

00:07:46.180 And hyper-focused ideals of masculinity are part of the problem.

00:07:49.840 Boys who learn that their gender is something that needs to be constantly proven

00:07:53.000 also grow up in a world where that proof can involve objectifying, harassing,

00:07:57.540 demeaning, or dehumanizing women.

00:08:00.860 That's the first glance context. 1.00

00:08:04.440 We got patriarchy going on.

00:08:06.620 And we got to do something about that.

00:08:09.680 But she goes on to say that the pressure on teen boys to stay between the lines of gender roles

00:08:14.760 begins a lifelong journey that can lead to some very difficult places. 1.00

00:08:19.340 And that's really worth saying.

00:08:21.520 So what we're going to be talking about is those difficult places.

00:08:28.300 The fact is that boys are hurting.

00:08:31.500 Boys are dropping out of high school twice as much as girls,

00:08:34.140 using drugs and alcohol more frequently and more heavily,

00:08:36.620 dying by suicide four times as often.

00:08:39.960 Men are committing 98% of shootings in the United States,

00:08:43.260 filling 93% of the prison population.

00:08:47.400 Don't get me wrong, patriarchy is still alive and well. 0.73

00:08:51.100 The patriarchy has negative effects on boys and men.

00:08:55.300 I'm not the first person to say that.

00:08:57.120 Another example would be Michael Kaufman, who wrote,

00:08:59.040 There is in the lives of men a strange combination of power and powerlessness,

00:09:04.460 privilege and pain.

00:09:06.620 so we're going to be finding ways to confront that powerlessness that pain

00:09:12.260 and the way we're going to do that is by finding ways to connect with those boys that feel out of

00:09:16.520 reach the premise of this podcast is that boys have inner lives personal emotional experiences

00:09:24.380 that are often hidden from view and if we can better understand and support those inner lives

00:09:28.940 we can have a more meaningful role in their lives which will protect the people around them

00:09:35.560 first glance, and protect those boys themselves. Second glance, if you want to call it that.

00:09:43.260 Each episode, at this point I'm talking about the structure of the podcast, each episode will

00:09:47.380 center on a single boy, okay? Describing an experience within that inner life.

00:09:52.640 Something like anxiety, grief, depression, bullying. We hear his voice, we take the

00:09:59.300 boys don't cry rhetoric, we throw that out the window, and then we'll be joined by experts like

00:10:04.600 writers, educators, parents, and mentors in a conversation on how that boy's experience

00:10:09.220 connects to the bigger picture masculinity. I'm not Dr. Phil. I'm not saying to anyone that

00:10:16.280 you're bad, or you're broken, or you're doing it wrong. I'm just taking this opportunity,

00:10:22.500 this gift of vulnerability, to say, how is this experience connected to the ways we enact

00:10:29.720 masculinity? And if this is an experience shared, right, by countless other boys, how can we better

00:10:36.240 support them? I want to finish with a quote from Rachel Brandt in Everyday Feminism, and she said,

00:10:42.560 Our boys deserve more. More respect, more attention, more room to explore who they are as

00:10:48.380 individuals. Fuller, longer lives, closer friendships, fewer stereotypes, less violence,

00:10:54.220 less loneliness, and a whole lot more than what boys will be boys can give them.

00:10:59.720 One more thing to add would be, if you're sick of hearing about things in a gender binary, meaning boys or girls, I'm on board with you.

00:11:10.500 In this show, boy means just cisgender boy, transgender boy, gender fluid boy, gender non-conforming boy, any way that a kid wants to express and identify their gender.

00:11:23.060 And we're going to be talking about homophobia and transphobia and how they impact masculinity for the boys in our lives.

00:11:27.260 and if

00:11:29.280 also if that freaks you out

00:11:31.040 hang around

00:11:33.100 you know

00:11:35.300 don't turn me off just because of that

00:11:36.720 there'll be an episode with a trans boy in a couple months

00:11:38.640 and I think it'll open your eyes

00:11:41.280 so stay tuned

00:11:43.280 episodes will be monthly

00:11:45.200 subscribe on Apple Podcasts

00:11:47.260 or Google Play to catch them

00:11:48.920 generally on the first Sunday of the month

00:11:50.440 this podcast is supported by Next Gen Men

00:11:53.080 a Canadian non-profit that's focused on

00:11:54.800 empowering men and boys

00:11:56.860 to make a difference towards gender stereotypes,

00:11:59.700 to take care of their own health,

00:12:00.620 and to make a positive impact on their communities.

00:12:02.700 One of my favorite things that they do

00:12:04.120 is school-based boys' programs

00:12:05.600 that explore concepts of masculinity.

00:12:08.320 They develop connections with these boys.

00:12:10.540 They practice empathy and healthy relationships.

00:12:13.220 And it's a lot like the workshop I just discussed.

00:12:17.180 You can learn more about NextGenMen at nextgenmen.ca.

00:12:20.720 This podcast is at breakingtheboycode.com.

00:12:23.440 If you'd like to get in touch,

00:12:24.820 I would love to hear from you.

00:12:26.000 you can email me at breakingtheboycode at gmail.com

00:12:29.400 or connect on social media at boypodcast on Facebook and Twitter.

00:12:33.940 Thanks for listening.

00:12:35.460 Give your boy a hug today.

Breaking the Boy Code - March 05, 2018

Introduction

Episode Stats

Transcript