Breaking the Boy Code - New School, New Friends

00:00:00.000 Well, I mean, I was upset because I didn't want to be there.

00:00:04.320 I was nervous. I was feeling kind of shy.

00:00:10.620 And I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

00:00:16.760 Because when I got home, I had my own room at the time,

00:00:20.180 so I could just go into my room and avoid everybody

00:00:24.380 because I wasn't talking to my new parents.

00:00:28.160 I wasn't really talking to anyone.

00:00:34.000 So I just wanted to be alone.

00:00:54.800 Throughout this podcast project, I've talked with a lot of boys.

00:00:58.160 And every single one of them has been different with, you know, each boy has had his own experiences, his own stories.

00:01:04.400 But you could say, and when I look back, like, I would say that there is one thing that all young people have in common.

00:01:11.860 They're all changing.

00:01:14.000 When you're an 11-year-old boy, you're growing and changing constantly every day.

00:01:20.020 The other truth of adolescence, at least in my experience, is that you don't notice it that easily.

00:01:25.460 So wouldn't it be cool if someone could sit you down and say,

00:01:29.480 like, look how far you've come and see that kid in the distance.

00:01:34.640 I'm going to benchmark that with you and take a moment to tell you,

00:01:41.640 I am so proud of who you are becoming.

00:01:46.040 So that's what I'm doing with Lewis over the next four episodes.

00:01:50.660 This is a story of friendship and belonging.

00:01:53.420 it's also a story of bullying of violence and the youth justice system but most of all

00:02:00.600 it's a story of change the distance you travel when you're 11 turning 12 what it takes to be

00:02:08.380 true to yourself on that journey in the midst of you know really significant peer pressure

00:02:12.200 and the kind of mentoring relationship that can bring you closer to who you want to be

00:02:17.220 so with me is lewis over the the i guess we're calling it a mini series lewis and i are going

00:02:24.080 to rewind the clock and retrace the story of his transformation from a perpetrator of

00:02:29.500 bullying violence in a lot of ways to the ally for justice that he is now

00:02:35.400 okay how was that good job thank you i don't think i'm very i'm changing that much

00:02:46.220 Oh, yeah?

00:02:46.860 You think I'm being overly dramatic?

00:02:50.460 No, I just don't think I've changed that much.

00:02:53.820 I still feel the same.

00:02:56.680 Yeah, fair enough.

00:02:57.820 Well, that's kind of my point about you don't notice it.

00:03:00.820 And so it's kind of a neat opportunity to talk about it with somebody who has noticed it.

00:03:09.460 Yeah, good point.

00:03:12.560 Yeah, I don't know.

00:03:14.360 I think it, I, I agree. You're still the same in a lot of ways,

00:03:18.340 but I think the ways that you have changed are pretty special.

00:03:25.120 Thank you very much. You're welcome.

00:03:30.900 So we're rewinding the clock.

00:03:37.060 Did you know that, have you heard of a VHS? Have you heard of what that is?

00:03:41.000 i have no clue what that is so have you heard of a dvd

00:03:46.300 yeah vhs's were before dvds they're like a cassette um that you play movies on

00:03:54.700 and they would actually make a sound when you've rewinded them

00:03:59.240 rewinded rewound when you rewound them i don't think i've ever used a dvd i've always just

00:04:06.740 um use the internet yeah yeah dvds are kind of gone these days as well actually now i'm kind

00:04:14.980 of questioning myself i don't know maybe i made that up but this is my rewind sound okay

00:04:19.140 okay so it's not just thank you we're rewinding back to your first day or your first week

00:04:29.000 at a new school yeah i got dropped off on my first day of school and i'll be honest it wasn't

00:04:35.780 the best day because I was in a foster home I was in a brand new foster home and I

00:04:45.340 was really nervous about going to school

00:04:48.980 I was usually pretty good at making friends but I told myself I wasn't going to make any friends

00:04:58.360 because I figured I would just be going to school for just a little while.

00:05:06.880 And then I'll be switching to a new school anyway.

00:05:11.240 So I didn't even want to get out of the car.

00:05:16.160 I kind of had to be forced to get out of the car.

00:05:19.280 And then when I went inside, I noticed that this school was a lot bigger than my other school.

00:05:28.360 I mean, my other school had probably, like, maybe 100 people, and this one had a lot more.

00:05:37.420 I'm not even sure exactly how many students there were, but there was a lot.

00:05:44.100 So, and this was also in December, so everyone pretty much knew each other already because the school started in September.

00:05:55.780 so I was brand new I didn't know anyone and I went into school

00:06:04.200 and my teacher introduced me to everyone there and they kind of said hi

00:06:10.640 but nothing really special some of them kind of waved

00:06:17.260 and then you know I tried to just do my schoolwork and stay out of everyone's way

00:06:24.500 and I really wanted to sit in the back

00:06:26.980 but there was no seats open in the back

00:06:29.560 so I had to sit in the second row

00:06:32.160 and that wasn't good

00:06:36.360 so

00:06:38.980 it was okay though because it wasn't

00:06:44.080 you really weren't supposed to be talking or anything that much

00:06:47.780 so at lunchtime

00:06:51.220 I it was a little bit more awkward because everybody was staring at me so I wanted to

00:07:01.060 kind of avoid everybody so I brought a book and I pretended like I was reading the book

00:07:06.440 when I actually wasn't even reading just to give me something to do

00:07:10.940 and well deep down I guess I really wanted to connect with someone but

00:07:19.260 I figured it would be pointless because even if I did connect to someone

00:07:25.220 it wouldn't be for long and then I would just lose more friends like I've lost

00:07:30.740 a lot of friends in the past there's something about you that people gravitate towards because

00:07:37.920 I've seen it happen over and over again that people do want to connect with you

00:07:40.800 so it doesn't surprise me that it didn't take long but it might have surprised you at the time

00:07:45.560 so how much time had gone by and what was going on what was this yeah the situation in which

00:07:52.700 somebody first actually talked to you well it was about a week after school started

00:08:00.240 we were in gym and we were doing this pacer test which you call a beep test which i really

00:08:08.780 it was okay but I didn't really like it that much because it seems kind of pointless it's just

00:08:16.300 running back and forth and waiting for a beep and kind of seeing how fast you can do that

00:08:24.340 but I was kind of I guess I was anemic at the time and I got tired pretty easy so I got tired

00:08:36.280 and I had to sit down because I was really out of breath.

00:08:44.600 And another kid, his name was Jackson.

00:08:49.300 Jackson is a made up name for the record.

00:08:51.520 All the names are made up.

00:08:52.760 That's right. Keep going.

00:08:55.000 Yeah. So Jackson came and sat down next to me

00:08:57.380 and I was completely surprised because he started talking to me.

00:09:02.400 he just said hi and he asked me why I stopped and I told him I mean I was kind of nervous about it

00:09:10.840 at first but once we started talking he seemed like a really nice kid so it was okay and he

00:09:19.540 asked me to come to his house because he wanted me to play some video games with him

00:09:24.100 so I said sure I didn't think it would hurt anything so like the next day I ended up going

00:09:34.560 to his house and he had three other friends there and we hung out and we played some games

00:09:41.980 and I was kind of nervous that they wouldn't like me at first

00:09:47.560 but we started joking around we played some games and we made a lot of prank phone calls

00:09:55.760 you know and did a lot of stuff that we necessarily weren't supposed to be doing

00:10:02.180 but his parents were at home so we could pretty much do whatever we wanted

00:10:08.880 so it was a lot of fun i really liked going over there okay you know what we need to do

00:10:17.540 what we have to reenact a prank phone call no way i'll be the i'll be the the innocent victim

00:10:29.220 we're not gonna put that on a recording why not it'd be funny personally i want to know

00:10:38.840 what's what these like what does a prank phone call sound like in 2021 0.98

00:10:43.280 one um just stupid stuff like we would call mcdonald's and ask for pizza 0.94

00:10:52.400 we called walmart one time and i pretended to be a lady that lost her child in there 0.99

00:11:03.100 and no way walmart was looking around for a child that she thought was missing

00:11:09.020 it was funny did you really do that yeah I actually did that it was fun and I was happy

00:11:18.720 I had a few friends instead of being all alone because after that he started

00:11:24.680 inviting me to sit with him at lunch and stuff so I didn't have to pretend to read anymore

00:11:30.620 even on the first day there you know I felt like I felt like this school year wouldn't go

00:11:40.620 so bad because I had these guys now that actually wanted to hang out with me

00:11:46.880 so I was happy about that

00:11:52.540 and we ended up hanging out pretty much every day after that like as soon as school was over

00:11:58.580 I would go

00:12:00.260 to one of their houses

00:12:02.520 and we would just goof off

00:12:04.540 or play basketball

00:12:05.360 or

00:12:07.260 you know just hang out

00:12:10.300 do some skating

00:12:12.540 and stuff like that

00:12:13.440 so I figured the

00:12:17.940 new foster home that I was with

00:12:20.080 wasn't so bad after all

00:12:22.540 just because of them

00:12:24.420 the end

00:12:27.580 dude that's powerful um a couple more questions what do you mean by the school

00:12:34.440 year wouldn't go so bad what is the so bad that it could have gone

00:12:37.640 well I just thought it would be really boring and I thought I would hate it

00:12:46.060 I thought I would have to avoid people the whole time

00:12:50.700 but I found out that I didn't really have to do that I mean when I first showed up at school

00:13:01.200 like I just said I was you know really nervous and I was upset and I didn't want to be there

00:13:11.200 but when I actually you know had the friends to hang out with at school I didn't feel so alone

00:13:19.460 so that was nice and actually when we got out of school

00:13:26.180 in like march for covid i think it was march was it march or february yeah i don't know

00:13:36.220 i was really disappointed because i wanted to keep going to school but then we weren't able to

00:13:44.960 so then we couldn't hang out as much but we still goofed off a lot on zoom and stuff so that was

00:13:52.720 nice this is to me this is also like a really yeah like it's a powerful glimpse at what friendship

00:14:00.840 like what's the significance of friendship at age 11 to be for it to be so you know good and

00:14:08.260 special and meaningful or at least just fun to be with them that you're willing to tolerate

00:14:12.400 a foster home you know or looking forward to going to school

00:14:16.800 that's the like that's a special experience so there's important relationships to have

00:14:22.680 yeah i guess

00:14:29.700 so two more questions what did you like best

00:14:35.080 what did you what do you mean what did you like best about being friends with them

00:14:42.400 i liked that

00:14:46.240 we had so much fun and i didn't have to be serious all the time we could just

00:14:54.920 goof off i mean we laughed together a lot so that was really nice

00:15:00.040 and we could just be ourselves around each other

00:15:05.480 did you ever have a moment where you were like i'm not into this or this is too far or

00:15:13.340 i wish they didn't do that okay so they like to goof off a little bit too much sometimes

00:15:21.400 especially with this one kid who is really different than us they

00:15:28.060 they got to be where they were really mean to him

00:15:35.480 and I kind of was really mean to him too,

00:15:39.840 because I wanted to fit in and I didn't like that part about it.

00:15:49.140 Okay. So that's where,

00:15:50.760 so that's where we're going to pick it up next episode.

00:15:56.040 Okay. Yeah. Where,

00:16:00.200 how did you, yeah. What,

00:16:02.880 what feelings came up for you and how did you navigate them?

00:16:05.480 Oh, was that bad?

00:16:08.500 No, it's, it's really like I can, I can sort of listen to you and imagine to you, you're probably like, this is boring. This is everyday life. But I can already tell you having set this foundation, and again, I'll edit it, put it together and I'll show it to you. Having set this foundation, we're creating something really, really cool.

00:16:30.280 I'm like, I'm so glad we're doing this.

00:16:32.120 I'm so glad you keep messaging me about it.

00:16:34.440 And yeah, I...

00:16:38.240 Are you saying that?

00:16:39.560 No, I'm really proud of what this is going to be.

00:16:42.300 I can already tell.

00:16:44.260 Well, the first one's going to be boring.

00:16:46.440 There wasn't really much there.

00:16:49.380 No, but that...

00:16:49.800 Okay, so let me tell.

00:16:50.560 I will be a little bit more dramatic and tell you.

00:16:52.200 So for someone to look at a bully

00:16:55.520 or a group of four boys who are bullying, right?

00:16:58.080 Or I guess it'd be five boys that are bullying. 1.00

00:17:00.420 And even myself last spring was like, what a group of assholes. 0.99

00:17:06.620 What are they getting out of both their actions towards the victim, 0.99

00:17:10.940 but also their friendship with each other? 1.00

00:17:12.560 Like it's such bullshit. 0.99

00:17:14.100 And when, even when you started talking about like, 0.99

00:17:16.560 I don't know if I want to be their friend, I did not.

00:17:21.040 Even as much as I understood you and was doing my best to empathize with you

00:17:25.220 and kind of be there with you, I still did not.

00:17:29.580 and I did not until this moment today

00:17:31.680 understand what you were giving up

00:17:33.900 when you were talking about standing up to them

00:17:37.020 or talking about distancing yourself from them.

00:17:39.960 That to me is something that I learned today.

00:17:43.860 And so I think if anybody listens to this,

00:17:46.680 what you've done in the first episode,

00:17:48.280 not if anybody, when anybody listens to this,

00:17:50.040 what you've done in the first episode

00:17:51.040 is make it really clear what your stakes are

00:17:53.240 when things start to change.

00:17:55.900 Because I already said it to you

00:17:57.580 when we were kind of in the midst of the story.

00:17:59.580 This is a really meaningful thing that you've kind of stumbled into by connecting with them.

00:18:09.320 My name is Jonathan.

00:18:10.840 My name is Louis.

00:18:12.120 And you're listening to Breaking the Boy Code.

00:18:13.740 The work that I do in this podcast is supported by Next Gen Men, an organization that really

00:18:18.880 believes in the well-being of boys and engaging boys as leaders for change in their lives

00:18:22.800 and in their communities.

00:18:24.620 As we record this, we're also working towards season four, which is a collaboration with

00:18:29.360 a school and a recording center in my neighborhood. I couldn't be more excited about pulling that

00:18:33.180 together. All of this happens with the support of Next Gen Men's audience. None of this can happen

00:18:38.380 without our Next Gen members. If you're able to support the work that we do in advocating for

00:18:45.480 gender justice, please go to nextgenmen.ca slash join. You can contact me at breakingtheboycode

00:18:52.040 at gmail.com or at boypodcast on social media and look forward to, what am I going to say at the end?

00:18:59.360 Are you laughing at me stuttering?

00:19:02.100 Yes.

00:19:03.660 Okay.

00:19:04.100 Do you have any final things you want to say?

00:19:07.500 I love you.

00:19:08.800 I love you too.

00:19:27.000 Okay.

00:19:27.500 That's a perfect outro.

00:19:28.480 Thank you for that.

Breaking the Boy Code - February 01, 2022

New School, New Friends

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