00:00:16.880To me, Imbolc is about questioning old patterns before we take new steps or make new plans.
00:00:22.560It's about examining the status quo to make sure we don't bring old, unnecessary baggage with us into the spring.
00:00:28.620So since Imbolc falls just a couple weeks before Valentine's Day, I thought we'd take today to deconstruct some of the things we've been taught about love and sex and relationships.
00:00:39.160I think what we experience largely in this society is what's been termed colonial love.
00:00:45.440The number one thing about colonialism is that it says you have to be and do things this one way that it has been decided is how we are and how we do things.
00:00:57.840It's racist and sexist, ableist and heteronormative.
00:01:02.760Colonial love will endanger another person for its own gain.0.78
00:09:28.580when it's okay to disagree but you can also see where the where the person's coming from and
00:09:32.500that's okay now when it's now when it starts to get a little disrespectful then you know
00:09:37.760you gotta excuse yourself and you know go from there because i also learned that not many people
00:09:41.880can have a healthy conversation around it and that brings us to what made me want to uh get
00:09:49.480you for this episode is that um certain topics are kind of your your bread and butter
00:09:56.360things that other people don't want to talk about so like what made you decide to write so candidly
00:10:04.620about sex and about um all the things that that entails in in the real version of life
00:10:11.900wow that is a loaded question but yeah
00:10:15.200so let me break it into the first part what made you decide to write so candidly and honestly the
00:10:23.220first part the first answer that comes to mind is that i love sex in the city even though it's
00:10:27.300very problematic when you break down what exactly was going on like in sex in the city with a more
00:10:33.580conscious lens that 2020 has given us in 2019 and so forth and so on um but i love carrie blackjaw
00:10:41.660i love that she was so keen on her about her relationships and i was like one day i actually
00:10:45.240want to do that like i want to be able to write what's going on in my love life and hopefully
00:10:49.200inspire others yes she's a fictional character but I always had that interest but I was just like
00:10:56.080you know maybe I'll grow out of it and then one day I realized you know I graduated from college
00:11:04.100and I realized okay I don't know what I want to do with my life and I really sat down and I decided
00:11:10.280to go the entrepreneur route and study under different people and every time they had me do
00:11:18.180something it had to do with writing no matter how much I tried to run from it no matter how much
00:11:23.020um I was told it would never make money I always ran from it until I couldn't anymore and so I
00:11:30.440said okay I'm doing this for other people now what do I want to share as me and have it feel authentic
00:11:38.100and sex and relationships was the main topic that I chose because I asked a few of my friends like
00:11:45.500what do i always talk about like i'm not sure like where i want to go in terms of being a writer
00:11:50.300but what do i always talk about and many times the top three was like sex spirituality slash religion
00:11:58.400and food and i was like okay and i was like i don't want to really be a food writer but i love
00:12:05.380the fact that people do it but i was like i don't feel like that's me um and i was like okay i can
00:12:09.960I can rock with the sex and the and ironically I didn't really want to talk so publicly about my
00:12:16.440spirituality I like talking with like you know close friends or you know maybe mutual acquaintances
00:12:22.200but I never thought I would actually be on a podcast talking about um my faith and my different
00:12:28.180um my different views on it or anything like this public so even this is like a huge like step for
00:12:34.700me so it's crazy how everything kind of comes full circle in terms of like you don't really
00:12:40.200know why certain things are done in the past until you really look at where you are now
00:12:46.440so i hope does that answer your question in terms of how i got there yeah and i'm i'm super grateful
00:12:53.960that you are where you are now because we get to share this moment thank you me too um it feels
00:13:01.820it feels right it feels good it feels um it feels like a layer that I'm shedding um because my word
00:13:08.260for 2020 is faith and just jumping in having it turn out good choice I I struggle with anxiety
00:13:17.560and I feel like faith is the opposite of anxiety so it's something that I'm really trying to
00:13:22.620trying to get my head around to but I think it's maybe not a head thing I should be trying to get
00:13:27.900my heart around no but that's so valid because um off and on i struggle with um anxiety and
00:13:34.640depression as well so i feel you on that and the fact that you said that faith is the opposite of
00:13:39.900anxiety it that made me look at it even differently and confirm that this is the right word for me for
00:13:45.8402020 um because it is it's kind of like feeling the anxiety and you know acknowledging it but
00:13:52.200just also moving past it therapy is a wonderful thing so if anybody is able to afford therapy or
00:13:58.060have insurance please please please please please see a licensed therapist to help you or a licensed
00:14:05.600counselor or something because that is one of the things that has gotten me through um and it has
00:14:11.880allowed me to figure out my decisions and the roots of why certain things are the way they are
00:14:18.080how I feel the way I feel so that's a huge um factor in terms of me moving through anxiety
00:14:23.980um and also my very close circle of friends um they either talk me off of a ledge
00:14:31.700um or they validate how I'm feeling they're like hey I understand how you feel it's valid how you
00:14:38.060feel now here's where I could see how this could be an issue and I feel like I'm grateful for that
00:14:47.180because they acknowledge you know where i'm coming from they get it but then if i'm wrong
00:14:51.840they will tell me sis like this is incorrect like or hey you see how this could be a little
00:14:57.180problematic and then we work through it so therapy good friends and um honestly um my faith honestly
00:15:05.980um before when i was in christianity it was very it was it was great like i enjoyed my time um as
00:15:14.960Christian. But then when I, um, a friend of mine said, Hey, I think you would be interested in
00:15:19.900learning about, you know, Yoruba and if I to be specific, and that also helped me as well. So I
00:15:27.000feel like my faith, regardless of what it was, has also helped carry me, um, to continuously being
00:15:35.960better and trusting and figuring out what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be.
00:15:40.500and how does your godmother fit into this she's awesome hey yeah linda um she's going to listen
00:15:49.020to this podcast because i'm going to send it to her and ask her to listen to it and it may be one
00:15:52.400of her first podcasts that she listens to so yay hi um she fits into this because um some people
00:16:01.380are solo practitioners and i really admire that because it takes some discipline and to a degree
00:16:07.800I feel like, um, I'm a solo learner because we'll talk, but then I'll also have a book,
00:16:14.580but she has learned firsthand about, cause she's a priestess in the year of the faith.
00:16:20.560So she's learned a lot of things, um, that I am still trying to understand and some things
00:16:28.060I still don't even know. And so my friend who told me that he thinks that I would be interested
00:16:33.500in learn more about your book introduced me to her and ever since um we connected i haven't left
00:16:40.660her since so i literally like ask her about you know how she feels about certain things i tell her
00:16:46.000what's going on in my life and um you know i literally am being mentored by her in terms of
00:16:53.540like my faith and also just learning how to trust my own um power because we all have our own unique
00:17:00.420power in us and how do you and how do you access your unique power do you do it through your
00:17:08.500worship or through your interaction with the nature parts of nature or that's so pretty
00:17:15.640crazy that you mentioned nature so it wasn't until i got more into yoruba that i acknowledge
00:17:23.860nature the way i do now um but to me i'm still not as in tune as i wish i could be but i feel
00:17:32.920like i could be more in tune with nature and the elements but ever since um this trend this um
00:17:39.460addition to my faith because i still believe in god and i still acknowledge you know jesus christ
00:17:42.940uh but at the same time i love the fact that i'm also a devotee because i get to learn more about
00:17:52.460the elements around me and what they represent so there are times like if i'm feeling stressed out
00:17:57.820or if i'm feeling um like i need to be rejuvenated i go outside even if it's not sunny even if i'm
00:18:05.460tired i try to go outside because there's something about being in fresh air and if the sun is up
00:18:10.580that's a bonus it's like it rejuvenates me and it helps me just ground and center and get back
00:18:16.520in tune with my inner power. But on a more pragmatic note, I feel like my power is accessed
00:18:22.800through my writing. That's a huge thing that I've noticed. And also practicing with my godmother too
00:18:31.700has also helped access my power as well. Because I realized that there's things that are bigger
00:18:36.700than me, but also things that are helping me and entities that are helping me, energies that are
00:18:40.460helping me help myself. So I believe it's all that in one. Yeah. And everything intersecting
00:18:47.120all at once. It's kind of hard to describe these kinds of things, right? It is. Cause I even feel
00:18:52.120kind of crazy talking about it. And I'm like, I hope this is making sense because, um, as I spoke
00:18:58.280to you offline about, I'm still so new into the faith and understanding, um, what my faith entails
00:19:05.200And also acknowledging that I also want to continue to acknowledge, you know, the faith I grew up in.
00:19:13.680So the multi-faith coupled with learning a new faith, coupled with, you know, learning about different aspects of the occult that I never got to do as a kid because I grew up in the church.
00:19:25.660I feel like it's so intertwined and so multi-layered that sometimes it's hard to explain.
00:19:30.440and I just sometimes I'm just like I hope people understand and don't think I'm crazy
00:19:36.880and that also ties into like my anxiety
00:19:41.920yeah I think every time we do an episode of this podcast we have that anxiety ourselves
00:19:50.780okay this is going to be the one where they think we're crazy
00:19:55.560okay let's go then to something that you are an expert on your online presence mentions that
00:20:03.960you're an erotic blueprint coach what's that what is that so the erotic blueprints um were created
00:20:13.780by um jaya she is a renowned sexologist she's amazing um and she created the erotic blueprints
00:20:21.280and there are five different erotic blueprints so have you ever heard of the five love languages
00:20:26.100yes they're like gift giving and that's that kind of their five i can't remember tell tell me right
00:20:33.660right no but you got it you get it right so basically it's the five love languages for
00:20:38.820the bedroom basically that's the best way i can describe the erotic blueprints but instead of like
00:20:44.620gift giving and words of affirmation and acts of service and all that type of good stuff.
00:20:51.840So there are five different erotic blueprints. There are energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky,
00:21:00.300and shapeshifter. Okay. So now as a witch, shapeshifter really appeals to me as a term.0.62
00:21:07.660What does that mean in terms of the erotic blueprint? So a shapeshifter means you can do
00:21:12.940it all basically so you are a very sophisticated erotic being so instead of just being like you
00:21:21.600know mainly energetic or mainly sexual and mainly sensual you can basically speak all of the
00:21:28.680blueprints um erotic language essentially and what does kinky mean in this context
00:21:35.440in the context of spirituality or in the context of um actually being an erotic blueprint
00:21:43.280wow no i was asking about the erotic blueprint but i want to know about in the context of
00:21:49.260spirituality i'm not well to be honest um and to be honest kinky in terms of like the erotic0.50
00:21:59.860blueprint just means that um you're enjoy taboo so that's kind of your kink and power dynamics0.96
00:22:06.560so that's really the thing so with the kinky blueprint you are really either a psychological0.97
00:22:13.460kink person where you enjoy power dynamics via um mentally so it's not so much like you know0.93
00:22:19.700you're getting flogged or you're you know using props sometimes it's literally just like you know
00:22:25.360someone is the dominant and the other person's submissive like it doesn't necessarily have to
00:22:30.080be like the traditional sensual play kinky which is on the part two of the kinky are people who
00:22:37.320really like um you know being bonded together or who like the spankings or you know anything
00:22:44.560that has to do with power dynamics but they are really into like the impact play mainly
00:22:50.300but spirituality it's so interesting because this is not related to jaya when i was reading
00:22:57.860waking the witch um by pam grossman i believe um the founder of wicca he really like was into um
00:23:05.880being naked and using different practices that took his like eroticism to the next level as well
00:23:15.320as his like spirituality to the next level, but he was different erotic practices. I wouldn't say
00:23:20.900that's kinky, but I can see somebody who believes that that's taboo as that being kinky. We have1.00
00:23:27.120energetic blueprint and the energetic blueprint, those who identify with that blueprint, they
00:23:35.420really love like anticipation and longing. They're really into, you know, savoring the moment
00:23:43.120because with the energetic if you go too fast for the genitals or go too fast for touch or
00:23:48.060go too fast innovating their space they kind of shut down and then the the romance is kind of gone
00:23:54.080so energetic people are very sensitive to energy and so they love the longing and the anticipation
00:24:01.620because they it's almost like you're entering their world in their energetic bubble if that
00:24:07.500make sense yes the next blueprint is also going to be sensual so the central blueprint are people
00:24:14.640who are into aesthetics they love like the candles it has to smell good the temperature has to be
00:24:22.140right like they have to have like you know their favorite their favorite music playing or they're
00:24:28.620always having lip gloss with them because they need to make sure like you know their lips feel
00:24:32.420good and they feel like all everything is working together in harmony in terms of like their
00:24:37.820the aesthetics around them right so these are people who love to cuddle who love to be close
00:24:43.900and unfortunately sometimes with the sensual blueprint if something is at a place they also
00:24:51.780can check out and they sometimes like actually are not able to fully enjoy the experience so
00:24:58.360sometimes those people who like to think about like what they have to do tomorrow people who0.94
00:25:02.160have to like who are having sex they may be like oh shit i have to make sure i pick up my kid0.96
00:25:06.020tomorrow at this time like or if something is off like in the actual room like for me0.94
00:25:11.940sometimes i have sensual like a sensual um blueprint shadow because i'll never forget when i
00:25:18.420was with someone and i went inside of their room and the air conditioner was so high it was so cold
00:25:26.520and some people are like great we can cuddle we're gonna have sex perfect like this is an
00:25:33.260opportune space when I tell you I curled up in a bubble under the covers and I said1.00
00:25:42.820if you want some pussy today I need you to turn this down0.99
00:25:48.240and he just couldn't fathom he was like but we're gonna get warm I said no we're not I am going to1.00
00:25:55.360stay here until you turn it down and that's part of the sensual status so each blueprint has like
00:26:02.820different attributes that can contribute to you know seduction but that can also
00:26:08.880be an obstacle to seduction an obstacle to eroticism and I think if this really relates
00:26:15.300to a theme of decolonizing love because it shows that like they're all different but like equally
00:26:21.080valid and equally correct ways of being and doing things interacting with other people and the only
00:26:27.940thing that makes it like right or wrong is whether it works for you or not and that's the thing that's
00:26:33.760and that's the thing about jaya that i really appreciate in her training because at the end of
00:26:36.940the day there's no right and wrong as long as there's consenting adults that agree and notice
00:26:40.740i did not say two consenting adults i just said consenting adults to acknowledge the poly community
00:26:45.120because i also believe that's also part of decolonizing love because a lot of times you
00:26:50.340of love as two people when it could be more than two people at a time or it could be a polydynamic
00:26:57.580that could be different than any of us have ever anticipated so i also like to bring that into the
00:27:02.960forefront as well yeah that it's not just one way or any one way i mean right we've talked about this
00:27:12.780you know before this interview that like i i'm happily monogamous but that doesn't mean that
00:27:17.980i think that everyone has to be or should be or that that's going to work for everyone
00:27:22.700right exactly exactly and i feel like i'm a poly enthusiast so i'm not poly like i'm not
00:27:30.100poly as a practice but in terms of theory and actual like just loving love i love seeing people
00:27:36.420who are happy together regardless of what that looks like a lot of people identify with the
00:27:40.740sexual blueprint because that's how society deems us to be and so sexual the sexual blueprint people0.51
00:27:47.000they love genital touch they're the people that they're not too big on foreplay they'll do a few
00:27:52.240if they like you but automatically they're kind of like yes let's get to it let's jump into it and0.97
00:27:56.560get straight to the point and the shadow side in terms of the sexual blueprint is that they
00:28:02.520miss the journey you know and so that's why sometimes when a lot of people you know get
00:28:08.580older they have a lot of dysfunction or you know they their libido doesn't become as high
00:28:13.440sometimes the misconception is oh i can't have sex or oh my sister was ruined no you just have
00:28:20.100to think of a different route to get to your pleasure than you did before so it's more like
00:28:26.680you're relearning your body what your body needs in order to get that pleasure that you're looking
00:28:32.460for because we all deserve pleasure pleasure is our birth right and i feel like that's also part
00:28:37.020of um um decolonizing love because a lot of us um who are of the african diaspora we're taught
00:28:43.660the opposite you know so it's like and making sure we empower everyone regardless of what stage
00:28:49.340they're in regardless of you know like what color they are who they love um whether they're able
00:28:54.660body or disabled like everybody deserves pleasure and sometimes i could be a little biased with0.97
00:28:58.760women because i'm like listen we also deserve pleasure so try not to internalize shame because1.00
00:29:03.720we are born with a clitoris the clitoris was designed for pleasure it is one of the like0.98
00:29:09.840organs that is designed for like us to be stimulated and that is how so many different0.95
00:29:15.180women like orgasm so yeah like it i feel like our genitals i feel like pleasure and sex is a great0.99
00:29:23.300thing but we have to think beyond the genitals for like the satisfaction the the release that0.97
00:29:30.220sometimes we're looking for you know like when it comes to sex you said try not to internalize0.97
00:29:36.760shame can you speak more on that for me and for our listeners sure so some of the women that spoke
00:29:42.540to me just some friends also some people that reached out to me on social media um sometimes
00:29:47.280you know they feel shame about like you know their sexual experiences or that they like sex so much
00:29:51.800or that, you know, they've encountered an STD or STI.
00:29:56.780And I always like to tell people, like, it's hard.
00:30:00.700And of course, you're going to feel it.
00:30:02.120But in terms of internalizing, like, I should not feel this way because I grew up this way.
00:30:07.420Or as a woman, I should not have to feel X, Y, and Z.
00:30:11.080It's like, the more we do our best not to internalize shame, acknowledge it, but not internalize it,
00:30:15.920I feel like that also is going to access us to more pleasure, even outside the bedroom,
00:30:20.220just enjoying like life as a whole because pleasure i feel like also decolonizing love
00:30:25.620is also like acknowledging that there are other forms of like ways you can show love
00:30:30.140and that you can experience pleasure and joy if that makes sense yes i'm nodding furiously
00:30:36.360okay so so yeah and i do my best to like learn because even the fact that you brought up
00:30:44.600decolonizing love i've never heard of that term until you brought it to my attention i'm not
00:30:49.060gonna lie um a writer and activist but well author and activist by the name of um juno diaz
00:30:55.060actually coined the term research and i said oh okay decolonizing love according to um juno diaz
00:31:07.200is the only kind of love that could liberate from that horrible legacy of colonial violence
00:31:14.160What that means to me is learning how to love people's character as opposed to the bodies they were born with, who they choose to love, and even me even acknowledging, like, even loving and getting to know them despite maybe, like, their neurocapacities.
00:31:38.160capacities and the reason why I say that's because there's a podcast I listen to called
00:31:44.060why won't you date me by Nicole Byer I actually really enjoy her podcast and when the topic of
00:31:52.280decolonizing love actually came about um I automatically thought about her podcast and said
00:31:58.380wow this is what she's doing because she has so many different types of episodes one actually has
00:32:02.220to do with neurodiversity and I was like wow that's a very like beautiful way of acknowledging
00:32:07.220people who um you know have disabilities like who have like who or who are like on the spectrum
00:32:13.840i was like wow like that's a great way to put it and i didn't even know like that was like a term
00:32:18.820or she even talks about you know how she's open to love regardless if it's a woman
00:32:23.340well female bodied woman bodied or trans like she's open to it and i was like wow like her
00:32:29.380podcast i don't know if she did that on purpose but it's literally the perfect one of the like
00:32:34.220perfect examples of like decolonizing love because it's like we're literally hearing how she's
00:32:39.040breaking down what she's learned and you know even bringing on people who have different viewpoints
00:32:44.500and just share her sharing her vulnerable truths um in terms of even being um you know a full-figured
00:32:51.380woman and dating because even decolonizing love has to do with also loving people who do not fit
00:32:56.080the stereotype of beauty being like skinny or slim so yeah i feel like it it means like learning
00:33:02.600tell the person's character, regardless of how they were born and who they love.
00:33:08.580And you wrote, I'm just going to read it exactly because I want to say exactly how you said it,
00:33:14.640that you're reading about the connection between pleasure, sexuality, feminism, and women of the
00:33:21.380African diaspora, along with redefining what self-pleasure means to her beyond traditional
00:33:27.920masturbation practices. So what have you learned? What have you learned about the connection between
00:33:34.340pleasure and sexuality and feminism and women of the African diaspora?
00:33:41.220That is a great question. So I feel like I'm going to have a lot of references
00:33:44.680in this podcast. Good. We love references. Because I'm such like, I try my best to
00:33:52.020continuously be a student um so over the summer i read a book called um pussy prayers by black0.95
00:34:00.020girl bliss and literally it's called sacred and sensual rituals for wild women of color0.99
00:34:05.620can you say the name of it again sure um pussy prayers by black girl bliss0.99
00:34:11.860pussy prayers got it and so basically like a lot of the things that she talked about0.99
00:34:19.600especially in the beginning had to do with how like black women um were raised and how it affects0.98
00:34:27.280us as it affects us growing into like our femininity and growing into like who we are as
00:34:33.520women and i felt very seen because i was like wow like this makes so much sense um in terms of how
00:34:40.640can you say like for example she in the book she mentioned um in the book she mentioned not being
00:34:49.320able to fully like disclose to her doctor like if she was having sex because her mom was in the
00:34:54.380room this is where she was a minor and this is not just you know of course these stories can
00:35:00.360transcend you know race but what i love is that i do feel like especially in the sex and pleasure
00:35:09.100industry there can sometimes be more there's less of women of color being represented now there is
00:35:15.260Like, I feel like there's more of women of color and black men and even just like people of color, period, actually carving a space out for themselves in this industry.
00:35:25.240But largely, it's been very white. Largely.
00:35:29.600And so this book was a great, great refresher because it was just like, wow, like I'm being seen, different things that I'm learning about and I've experienced she has talked about.
00:35:38.460even finding i think it was ebony magazine um when she was a kid she read she was reading about
00:35:44.660um how she can get an orgasm and one of the techniques was she had to sit under um like a0.99
00:35:53.500what is it called like with like the the faucet in like the bathroom like in the tub and it
00:35:59.040stimulated her getting an orgasm i was like wow like i used to read urban fiction where they had
00:36:03.800different scenes and i was like wow like let me try this but even on a grander scale um she spoke0.61
00:36:09.980about basically when the slaves came over to the americas or even like them getting the process of
00:36:15.480them getting there a lot of especially black women like we were raped we were our bodies were not0.99
00:36:20.820ours and a lot of the times like black women had to disassociate from their bodies in order to0.58
00:36:25.020survive and so pleasure was not really um our birthright to begin with it was more so like0.81
00:36:32.420we had to survive and so even when I talk to my mom sometimes I'm like mom why did you push so
00:36:38.880much on like education and career on me as opposed to learning about my body and what that means
00:36:44.500and she was like because at the end of the day you need to know how to survive and at the end of the
00:36:49.100day um education and career is going to allow you to get to a different place so i feel like
00:36:57.440in terms of me being a black woman i'm just speaking for me as chelsea hamlet as a black
00:37:03.460woman i feel like i'm learning about even just that small like not even a small piece but like
00:37:10.560the larger piece that a lot of the times like our ancestors were my ancestors were literally
00:37:16.560we're not allowed to really feel pleasure in the way that we are so liberated now because it was
00:37:22.600kind of forced and taken from them and in order for them to survive they had to disassociate from
00:37:26.640their bodies to keep going and so that was passed on and on and on for generation generation
00:37:32.400in one way or another so i feel like that's a big part of what i learned in terms of
00:37:39.600why didn't i believe at first that pleasure was my birthright why is it that i felt shame because
00:37:45.280sex was a big topic for me something I love to go into and I was like wow like it wasn't cultivated
00:37:51.200to me that this is part of like me being a woman this is part of me being human this is part
00:37:56.720of something that we all as humans deserve we all deserve pleasure regardless of what we've
00:38:02.960been through and who we are but especially like my ancestors and a lot of you know people who
00:38:10.520were brought to this country forcibly a lot of that pleasure was taken away and so i feel like
00:38:16.760now at the age of you know pleasure politics and we have all these type of you know people like
00:38:22.500cardi b making the stallion and lizzo like where is this whole body positivity it's whole like you'll
00:38:28.080like love your bodies and get the pleasure you deserve i feel like it's refreshing because it's
00:38:33.860like yes like i feel like we are our ancestors while this dream even when it comes to like mental
00:38:38.780health when it comes to um taking back and acknowledging like our bodies because i feel
00:38:44.920like because of survival they may not have had that opportunity to do so and the way we're doing
00:38:49.960it now i thought that was very long-winded so i hope that i stayed no you just can't see me like
00:38:59.640sitting here and nodding and nodding i i try to keep my mouth shut so that i don't mess up your
00:39:05.880flow in the recording but yeah no I think that that's so important to talk about because I mean
00:39:12.040we we've read too that trauma can be passed on in inside the DNA for generations and generations
00:39:20.640so again I think it's particularly important for people who have been forced to feel unworthy
00:39:28.620to battle those feelings of unworthiness as much as you can and it's also about learning like where
00:39:37.660that comes from and i feel like each person is going to give you a different story um because
00:39:42.500i also want to say not all black not i do not speak for all black people because i do not have
00:39:47.300experiences that all black people have like yes you know we have interconnections and yes there
00:39:52.340are things that are similar but every person of color that you talk to regardless if they're
00:39:56.680non-binary or if they identify as like you know a man or woman like we're all going to basically
00:40:02.360give you different reiterations of like you know our pleasure why we view you know things the way
00:40:08.060we do and that also made me think about another quote on decolonizing love from working it out
00:40:17.860together the the writer's name is Gwendolyn Benaway and she said um decolonial love is actively
00:40:25.140be creating a space for our histories as indigenous uh racialized survivors of colon of colonization
00:40:32.480to be acknowledged within our relationships so for me when i read that it was just basically what
00:40:37.260you're saying now like what you said is yeah like their trauma is the was passed down it's passed
00:40:42.220down you know via dna and also acknowledging like yes like this is actually something that happened
00:40:47.780and this could prevent people from feeling worthy because some people like to push like well
00:40:54.340slavery was so long ago why does it matter now and it's like that's part of colonial love where
00:40:59.540it's like you're not acknowledging people's experiences and histories as like indigenous
00:41:04.140people or people of color because you know historically like we've been taught not to
00:41:09.840love ourselves so when i read that it really resonated with me because it's basically what
00:41:15.440the conversation we're having now yeah we're not in like a romantic relationship but even in you
00:41:21.740hearing what i'm saying in terms of like what i've learned about the connections between um you know
00:41:29.160the past and to me now and even me acknowledging like hey like everybody's experience is different
00:41:33.940like this is all part of like decolonizing um love interpersonal relationships all that stuff
00:41:40.880because one thing i do agree with um with the activists like um juno tears is that we also
00:41:47.720have to decolonize ourselves it's not just about love like it yes it is about love but it's also
00:41:54.720about like what we the the colonization we bring to the table based off of you know how we grew up
00:42:00.920and the things that we internalize not knowing that it was colonization yeah that that's why i
00:42:06.980wanted to talk about this like not just because of inbox proximity to valentine's day but because
00:42:12.640this is the time of year that I think like you take a look at the status quo you take a look at
00:42:17.960how things go and you ask really hard questions about your perception of not just like yourself
00:42:23.740but how the world is and how the world works and and it's about not taking anything for granted
00:42:28.880and I think creating a space where people can talk about their histories without
00:42:34.340um like being vulnerable but without any shame is yes part of my action that i can do to
00:42:42.660decolonize our ideas about love just to open up a space to listen to somebody talk right exactly
00:42:50.140and and again like i do feel like that connects to the definition um that wenderling gave
00:42:56.460is creating that space for you know our histories as and she put indigenous because she's um
00:43:02.780indigenous but i'm gonna add indigenous and people of color um because we are survivors
00:43:08.340of colonization to acknowledge like within our relationships like we're survivors of like people
00:43:13.540who have historically like been you know brutalized who historically have been undermined
00:43:19.340system that there's things systematically have been put in place to give us barriers to get to
00:43:26.860where we want to go and just having that space to be acknowledged like of our histories but
00:43:32.660also what's happening now i feel like it's also part of the decolonizing love and and do you think
00:43:39.420that this intersects with your uh orisha devoteeism and if so how and if not why not
00:43:47.000um i i believe it is because at the end of the day um everything is energy
00:43:57.000at the end of the day and I feel like the energy you put out you'll get back and that's even not
00:44:03.680even just me as a devotee but just I feel like that was just that's just me in general um but I
00:44:10.120feel like it it intertwines with me being devotee because I also have to acknowledge my privileges
00:44:17.360um being um in like a more western culture and even the fact that as I said earlier like I'm
00:44:26.020reading I'm Waking the Witch by Pam Grossman I love that I'm reading that but I also know that
00:44:30.700that's separate from my spiritual practice to a degree because there's two different perspectives
00:44:38.100on the witch and so I have to literally like make sure I'm creating space like when I talk to my
00:44:43.980like hey um this this is what I've read and also be open to when she says yes and this is how it's
00:44:53.820also viewed when it comes to um you know if I to be honest I'm learning to just enjoy the ride
00:45:01.040that is my honest answer yeah because um I had a conversation with my godmother
00:45:08.840and she was saying you know so many people want to be priestess and priests but a devotee is okay
00:45:15.640too um because the thing about being a priest or priestess that I feel like um is not talked about
00:45:23.520enough is that that's a responsibility because you're dealing with someone else's spiritual
00:45:28.360journey on top of yours. I don't know if I'm ready for that. Like, I don't know if I'm ready
00:45:35.400to, no, scratch that. I am not ready. I'm not. And I, and so that's why I'm not sure I want to
00:45:45.440go with it because I know I'm so new that I feel like projecting a goal on something that's so
00:45:54.320um that's I feel projecting the goal would make it more like a job or more like something to do
00:46:03.840like career-wise or it's just a little bit too matter of fact for me like there does need to
00:46:10.820be some flow in my life and I feel like you know my faith gives me a certain flow where
00:46:16.120I don't have to have a goal in order to enjoy myself and to feel fulfilled yeah and I think
00:46:23.080you've said earlier and this is definitely how I approach things that just a forever student
00:46:27.900just the eternal student right and if you know if if I'm supposed to be a priestess then I hope
00:46:35.540I welcome it and I'm able to, you know, be as great of a godmother as the one I have.
00:46:43.580Based on everything that I've ever read on the subject, if you're meant to be a priestess, they will let you know.
00:46:49.480There will be no uncertain terms about it.
00:46:53.360But also you don't have to accept it because even before I got into it as much as I did, I don't know if you experienced this,
00:46:59.960But once you acknowledge that, you know, your faith was your faith, random people started kind of coming and you started having random conversations in places like Starbucks or, or like, you know, Panera Bread and you just talk.
00:47:14.680And there was a woman that I met and she was like, listen, like not every, some people, yes, it comes out that they're supposed to be, you know, priest to priestesses, but they decline it because you're basically doing a PhD without getting a degree.