00:00:00.000The spirit is rising, she's rising, she's rising. The spirit is rising, it's rising, it's rising. The spirit is rising, they're rising, they're rising.
00:00:24.920Well, I'll tell you how I'm surviving. And that is with the support of our dear, dear Coven. I just want to kind of start by thanking everyone who heard me wailing and whinging and praying on the RX and reached out to me.
00:00:43.140It was really, really uplifting to just get these, like, notes of advice or just well wishes or commiseration, all that stuff.
00:00:54.060And it really allowed me to do the spell that we're always talking about, Risa, of tell the truth, watch the world change, you know?
00:01:03.720So I was just a super honest, like, oftentimes I go into these situations with a little bit of a mask of, like,
00:01:10.640i'm fine but i could use a little help with this or that or whatever and this time i was like
00:01:15.880i'm miserable i need help i'm not masking any of this i actually like cried a little bit
00:01:23.500when i was talking to the intake nurse before i even talked to the doctor so
00:01:28.580thank you coven for encouraging me to take my own advice as well as all of y'all's advice to0.55
00:01:35.760tell the truth and watch what a powerful powerful fucking spell that is so thanks everybody i'm so
00:01:43.540happy for you amy you really are that person who is like so tough and wise and quick that it is0.90
00:01:50.280often very hard to tell when you are struggling as like one of your dear friends like i i miss it
00:01:57.420unless you crack enough to tell me yeah there's definitely like i i was raised under the banner
00:02:05.520of like what will the neighbors think and so i'm very good at like when the when the camera light
00:02:10.220turns on i'm there you know i can i can pull it together and then as soon as the camera's off then
00:02:16.320i'm like falling into my heap again but i have found that it is not super useful to do that as
00:02:24.220i have like desperately trying to unlearn all of the messages that i got from from people who were
00:02:32.260more concerned about what people thought than like how the world really was or like you know
00:02:38.820the legitimate suffering that was going on as long as you had the facade of everything's fine
00:02:46.440then like somehow everything's fine but it's not it's really not and so again um if you are a tough
00:02:53.940cookie uh sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles so just keep that in mind you can be a
00:02:59.860crumbling cookie because that's the way the cookie crumbles tough cookies it's just how it is yeah
00:03:07.360i'm thinking a lot about um rivers i i'm writing a piece about undammed rivers for next week
00:03:14.660and i i've had such beautiful help also from the coven but i also am very much feeling like this
00:03:21.780energy in my life of like if we if we damn everything up and keep everything on the
00:03:29.360straight and narrow you know catastrophe is coming like giant swings of climate are coming we
00:03:37.360you know and even in our hearts and souls like if i keep everything damned up and on the straight
00:03:41.700and narrow i'm gonna bust right through those eventually and it's gonna be chaos you know
00:03:48.300yeah like ecologically globally but also like we were talking about in that personal way of
00:03:53.940of you know building these dams so the water doesn't move but healthier water moves it's just
00:04:00.980gotta it's gotta override the banks sometimes you know you just can't keep that from happening and
00:04:07.040in fact there's so much richness that happens in those those in between places those liminal places
00:04:13.740of spill and overlap and eddies and drainage paths you know like i i feel very much like i'm in a
00:04:21.300in between place this week my kiddo was sick again it was like gastro and a bad virus thing
00:04:34.320which means like she'll cough and cough and cough and cough until she pukes because the gastro like
00:04:41.880everything is just as overwhelmed sorry if that's i should have had a trigger for puking but um
00:04:47.460It's just, you know, like it's the undammed.
00:04:51.120She was fully and it's night that's so much worse.
00:04:55.380So you think that she's asleep and then the coughing starts.
00:04:58.540And then and I spent a couple of nights alone, including a night we were supposed to have an event with the coven where I realized as I was alone cleaning up puke all over all the bedding that the event was supposed to have started 10 minutes before.
00:05:13.360And I was just like, I, I mean, I, and I partially went in a shame spiral about it, but partially was just like, well, this group of people at least knows a lot about me and understands, I think.
00:05:27.880I mean, part of telling the truth is like, I can't, I can't right now.
00:05:31.940And a lot of us like are like, it's impossible for us to say or admit that we can't do something, but that's part of that undamming of the truth, right?
00:05:40.480Yeah. And honestly, like, as much as I can try to clean it up and manage it all well, I'm gonna miss stuff. And there's just gonna be puke everywhere. And now I'm on like, this is 10 days of these nights like this.
00:06:18.300But I have to say my lake is also melting.
00:06:21.580And this is the time of year where you forget what it's like to see water reflect, like light reflecting on the water.
00:06:29.660you forget what it's like to come upstairs and see like color and movement and stuff outside
00:06:36.040the windows our windows are almost entirely filled by the lake which is beautiful but in the winter is
00:06:41.500it's just ice it's just white so everything in me is in and and when it floods I mean when it
00:06:49.440thaws it floods so the water is all up over the banks and that is just how I feel that's just
00:06:56.160that's just who I am today so one of my prescriptions I was laughing with my therapist
00:07:01.760yesterday she was like asking how I was feeling and I was sort of telling her all this stuff but
00:07:07.340I was also telling her you know I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday and she said you know
00:07:13.680when the the sun goes and it's gray I just completely fall apart like I'm just so completely
00:07:21.440affected by the weather that I collapse inward when the sun is gone and I had this really like
00:07:29.200surprise shock feeling like I have felt like that so much of my life and I just don't feel like that
00:07:36.120right now like even though even though it's gray and I'm exhausted and there's puke and it's the
00:07:42.900overwhelm like I just kind of feel okay I really do I'm starting to feel more more anchored okay0.99
00:07:50.060so then my therapist is like what what's working i was like it's just this fucking stupid0.99
00:07:54.420meditation app it's like the only thing i'm doing differently you really have become like an0.98
00:08:00.760evangelist for this meditation app i love it so i'm i'm here for the apps i'm here for whatever
00:08:07.440helps please but it's this one guy in particular i did a bit of a goog to try to make sure he's not
00:08:14.920some sketchy thief but he seems okay please let me know you know if as of april 17th 2024 this is
00:08:26.240a bad dude or a good dude but uh andrew johnson this like relaxing scottish voice and there's
00:08:34.420meditation in particular he has like five videos on the youtube channel they're probably all
00:08:38.680fine but there's one in particular where it's about walking down a staircase and you step off
00:08:45.440at the end into your place of safety and comfort and relaxation and I did it with May today I got
00:08:54.720I got like really sort of panicky feeling I took too long to feed myself you know so I got really
00:09:01.400like stretched thin feeling and been thinking a lot about how to model dealing with anxiety you
00:09:09.720know so that she can really see me do it instead of me trying to teach her how to do it because
00:09:15.800they just don't learn like that um and so it was nice I was like I'm feeling like this like I'm
00:09:22.820feeling kind of like fluttery and so we ate but I'm still feeling like kind of anxious we're doing
00:09:28.460a lot and running around so I'm going to meditate for 10 minutes I'm going to breathe deeply and
00:09:33.620we're going to have quiet time and so I put on this guided meditation by this Scottish dude about
00:09:39.980stepping off into our creative place and she just like curled up at my feet and pretend she was
00:09:44.660drawing I thought and then I saw it at the end and she was right she was just like scribble writing
00:09:49.100she was writing a book about her and I on an adventure and she just like got to be at my feet
00:09:55.480well I found my calm again and so I prescribe that whether it's this Andrew Johnson dude
00:10:01.220there's another meditation by this gentleman Scottish wizard where so he he's a clinical
00:10:10.320hypnotherapist so it's sometimes when he's taking you into a meditation he's also going to explain
00:10:16.680that he's going to count down and bring you in um but there's one that he does in addition to ones
00:10:23.020that are about like meeting your guides or whatever that are really lovely there's one he
00:10:27.580does that is he sort of explains some of the science around why gratitude meditation works
00:10:35.680and he explains a piece that's often missing in gratitude meditation where he's like yeah it's
00:10:42.020helpful to keep a journal of things that you're thankful for it's helpful to like list that stuff
00:10:47.760But actually, the science shows that it's when we remember the feeling of someone showing us gratitude that we have these big biomarkers that are actually really helpful for how we deal with anxiety, how we process sugars, whatever, whatever.
00:11:08.200um so it's not just i'm thankful for this like it's remembering a time when you did something
00:11:17.740for somebody and they expressed wholehearted gratitude and you remember what it felt like
00:11:24.280in your body for someone to be grateful to you and that that tweak is like i hadn't heard that
00:11:32.800before and so then and he's like after you do this meditation like journal even if it's a time
00:11:38.460if you can't remember a time that is like that find it in narrative find it in fiction like find
00:11:44.800it build it build it you can still build it the brain can accept a fictionalized version versus
00:11:50.960a remembered version and and and give it to you in your body but if you can try then remember and
00:11:57.160like nurture the memory of someone really thanking you and like what you gave and what you felt in
00:12:04.200that moment and that is a very different for me body feeling than then the like dutifulness of
00:12:12.860I'm thankful for the sun and the rain and the heat and the whatever that feels to me again like I'm
00:12:19.060in this like supplicant position a little bit and it feels tied to early childhood church experiences
00:12:26.400which for me were not traumatic but were not deeply magical either and so to remember it's
00:12:34.260also has something to do with remembering my own value and like I remember times when I
00:12:39.420told my kid that I wasn't just lucky to have a kid I was lucky to have her because she's the0.78
00:12:48.020greatest fucking kid and she leapt into my arms tears in her eyes like so happy and so to embody0.96
00:12:55.080that memory it also gives me this like I don't know it gives me back something and I want you0.97
00:13:03.040all to have that yeah there's something there too about like remembering to express gratitude when
00:13:10.900people help you and are kind to you there are so many of us and I'm saying us to include
00:13:18.540myself and Risa who have struggled because at some point in our lives we just felt
00:13:25.220un or underappreciated and it makes you want to like give up like I did all this and whoever it
00:13:33.240was didn't even acknowledge it so for this science to give us this idea that like even more so than
00:13:42.300And being grateful to remember when someone else was grateful to you, to me, is like an impetus to just be so thankful, to be verbally expressive of gratitude when someone shows up for me.
00:22:42.520so i don't know i don't think bob mold is a witch but definitely there's there's something
00:22:50.340a major thread that ties me looking at the moon and bob mold looking at the moon and thinking
00:22:56.440like maybe i can put my dreams into you maybe you can be that light in the in the night of despair
00:23:04.640that one bright light in the sky even in a night of despair um so my prescription is to look at0.99
00:23:11.720the fucking moon yo like if you are a lifelong witch if you are someone who's like maybe i'm0.99
00:23:19.860witchy i always recommend starting at the moon oh how it shines and i'll tell you the moon can be a1.00
00:23:27.680good friend of yours connect you to all of human history connect you to your wishes and maybe your
00:23:33.760dreams will come true if you can just put them into the moon and maybe that sounds silly but like0.96
00:23:39.680fuck it so much of what has built my life sounded silly to other people and I'm always amazed at how0.98
00:23:48.560people will tell me I'm crazy until the crazy thing I did works out and then they tell me I'm0.99
00:23:54.880brave or clever or whatever and so I just want to hey sorry I was muted when I yelled hey when you0.97
00:24:01.700said that I had to say it again fuck yes that's so true in so much of life they tell you that0.98
00:24:08.720you're crazy or they look at you weird when you do these wild things these brave incongruous0.98
00:24:15.560things and then it works and then everyone's ready to celebrate yeah sorry i just need to0.90
00:24:21.540amplify underline no please and then maybe you know your spouse calls you up 30 years after
00:24:27.980the record comes out and it's like i get it now so just try it try the moon try breathing like
00:24:36.560can we be more accessible than this take a deep breath look at the moon this is open to you
00:24:43.000this is breathing and looking at the moon are not a closed practice you don't need to worry about
00:24:50.120appropriation it's these are things that are with us at all times and even in the new moon when we
00:24:58.860can't see the moon we know that the man in the moon is there even mile many miles away in a night
00:25:04.640of despair the moon can say good night to you okay so i have to add something to the to the
00:25:12.060prescription then because so this is like a tangle of an of a thought and uh we cut this if it gets
00:25:18.760too tangly but um thinking about how like looking at the moon breathing opening space for something
00:25:31.500right like meditating or whatever form that takes for you going on a walk hugging a tree I got to
00:25:37.840climb a tree this week um I know that was so wonderful I I climbed a giant white pine and it
00:25:45.400was wonderful um believing that those things open a space for possibility in which we can imagine
00:25:53.220something better for our lives and then and then and then imagining it right like and then
00:25:58.300and then dreaming and envisioning hopeful possibilities it kind of walks you towards
00:26:07.780this conversation about law of attraction stuff which you know all kinds of weird shitty science
00:26:13.780and racism and and ugly stuff tangled up in there um and also like mark and i had this
00:26:21.160funny conversation where he came into my office and he brought up someone we know and and the way
00:26:29.080that like they have constantly been someone who believes the worst will happen and for whom the
00:26:34.340worst happens and we sort of had this like this conversation where it was like I don't believe
00:26:41.080that it makes it that way but it sure seems like it you know like I don't believe that that is the
00:26:48.300only factor and of course you are not making the circumstances under which you live social
00:26:54.960circumstances um ingrained hierarchies ingrained racism ingrained inequality like those things are0.99
00:27:02.020literal weights upon the body um denying those things with an over emphasis on like a fucking0.99
00:27:08.400vision board is classist and and gross so all of that said and yet also right like we are witches0.98
00:27:15.380we're in the liminal space we're trying to move between boundaries and see what is in there
00:27:20.520there is a way in which our repeated nightmares our repeated fears we call them closer and closer
00:27:31.280to us and so that's i've i've i've been listening to so much julian baker since um our coven mate
00:27:39.540Aaron brought Boy Genius to our circle last week and brought Lucy Dacus, whose work I was really listening to this week, too.
00:27:49.580And I finally went down like I know I'm years late or whatever, months late, but I finally went down into the into the solo work of those artists and spent a lot of time with Jillian Baker this week.
00:28:01.040And my favorite song on the new album, I think it's called Little Oblivions.
00:28:04.420the album is called repeat in particular this line where they say all my greatest fears turn
00:28:13.700out to be the gift of prophecy all my nightmares coming true come do my outline in the street
00:28:20.540and then it repeats, repeats, repeats, repeats.
00:28:31.460There is something there about leaning into the nightmare
00:28:38.420versus leaning into the possible, you know?
00:28:41.720And it doesn't mean that we skip the fear.
00:28:44.240You have to feel it, feel where it is in the body,
00:28:46.600feel what systems it's tied to and how we can resist those and how we can ask for help
00:28:52.560but also imagine the dream world you know I had this last night with May she was terrified to go
00:29:00.020to sleep after nights of waking up coughing and puking she was really scared when she closed her
00:29:05.620eyes she saw nightmares and I surrounded her with all of her favorite stuffed animals
00:29:13.240and told her that they you know I was talking in their voices saying we love you we can't wait to
00:29:18.640see you in dreamland that's where we are we'll meet you in your dreams and she said that makes
00:29:24.300me so emotional I'm so happy but it's so emotional bless her heart it's like that
00:29:31.160moment of choosing you know do we believe in the nightmare do we leave in the possibility of the
00:29:36.180dream just breathe i guess yeah i believe in the possibility of a dream i believe that change is
00:29:47.900possible i believe that breathing and looking at the moon can help and if you think that that's
00:29:53.640silly then don't believe me just watch i mean that goes in the rx too right0.99