Under the Influence (with Jo Piazza) - October 16, 2023


All About #TradWives with Anne Helen Petersen

Topics
Can I Quit Being Influenced with Jessica Elefante Soft Girls Don't Want Your Hustle with Steph McNeil

Episode Stats


Length

53 minutes

Words per minute

158.75

Word count

8,572

Sentence count

328

Harmful content

Misogyny

34

sentences flagged

Toxicity

27

sentences flagged

Hate speech

36

sentences flagged


Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
00:00:00.000 would you like me to wear more dresses around the house um it's just a reference to some kind of 0.63
00:00:11.300 like traditional mom influencer yes thing like that yeah i think most of that is kind of silly
00:00:17.140 would you like me to do my hair in a certain way not particularly i think your hair looks nice
00:00:22.800 Are you okay with me socializing with men when you are not present?
00:00:29.440 Yeah, I am.
00:00:31.540 I'm not paranoid about that.
00:00:33.440 I think that if you're paranoid about that, you've got a problem in your relationship.
00:00:37.400 I agree.
00:00:38.260 I agree.
00:00:39.340 Would you like it if I wore more lipstick?
00:00:45.460 I don't like lipstick.
00:00:47.600 That was my very confused husband, Nick,
00:00:49.860 when I asked him questions about how I could be a better traditional submissive wife for him.
00:00:56.660 You asked for Trad Wives, and now I am delivering Trad Wives to you.
00:01:01.860 This is the first in what may be many episodes about hashtag Trad Wives,
00:01:07.440 because there is just so much to unpack about the trend of women on social media
00:01:11.380 portraying what they see as traditional wifehood.
00:01:16.160 Now, if you are new to Trad Wives, it's a vibe. 0.64
00:01:19.860 It's a vibe of submissive wifehood. Think women dressed like Donna Reed or Betty Draper. 1.00
00:01:27.480 They cook, they clean, and they talk about things that I personally find very dangerous. 1.00
00:01:35.300 They talk about how women belong in the home and only the home. They talk about how college 1.00
00:01:41.420 steals the time that women should be breeding. One thing that gets me about these accounts is
00:01:48.420 that we always see them in beautiful dresses doing beautiful things, like the nice things to do around
00:01:54.580 a house. Pulling an apple crisp out of the oven or calmly vacuuming. What we're not seeing is the
00:02:03.800 nitty gritty of keeping a house. We don't see anyone in a puffy sleeved dress cleaning out
00:02:11.080 their toilet or pulling hair out of the shower drain or picking up dog poop from the backyard.
00:02:17.840 We just, we don't, we don't see them do those things because I don't believe they actually
00:02:22.580 wear a full face of makeup and a dress to do those things.
00:02:26.540 And that proves to me that a lot of this is just performative.
00:02:29.480 This trend is only getting bigger and more widespread. 1.00
00:02:32.760 But thankfully, there are a lot of smart women out there dissecting it. 1.00
00:02:37.960 And one of those is the one and only Anne Helen Peterson. 1.00
00:02:41.300 She is an incredible journalist, author, and creator of the Substack Culture Study,
00:02:47.780 as well as the host of the podcast Work Appropriate.
00:02:51.620 Much like I do, she has thoughts on Hashtag Chad Wives, and we're here to just lay out
00:02:58.680 a primer for what this world of Hashtag Chad Wives actually looks like right now.
00:03:11.300 I've got to tell you, I love everything you're doing right now.
00:03:14.500 You just recently did, I'm trying to remember if I saw it, was it on Burt Toast?
00:03:18.560 Yes.
00:03:18.660 But you had a conversation with Virginia.
00:03:20.960 Yes.
00:03:21.080 So we all operate in the same, like, larger sphere, which is great.
00:03:26.040 We're all in the cultural zeitgeist right now, I like to say.
00:03:31.880 And my audience has been begging me for an episode on Trad Wives.
00:03:36.940 And I feel like you have as much to say about Trad Wives as I do.
00:03:44.880 So having you on to just kick off what will be a multi-part episode on Trad Wives has
00:03:52.940 me very excited.
00:03:53.900 I'm very happy that we get to do this today.
00:03:57.280 I'm ready.
00:03:58.480 Okay. 0.92
00:03:58.780 So you have written a lot about Trad Wives.
00:04:01.760 I want to start out for our audience defining what we would say a trad wife is, a hashtag trad wife, because I think there's lots of different ways of being a trad wife and they all get lumped together, which is something that you've written about, too.
00:04:17.900 Yeah, yeah. So I think that what we have to clarify is that this idea of a traditional wife is really, it stems from like evangelical fundamentalist Christianity. And it's traditional femininity. It's like a godly way of behaving as a woman. Like there are all of these texts that come from fundamentalist Christianity.
00:04:41.440 Some of them are from the various like schools of thought and theology that are related to, say, like the Duggars. Some of them are just people from what are sometimes called independent churches who just have these ideas about like wives submit and all of the things that that would mean.
00:04:59.500 And that is, I think, that is the OG. That is the template. And there are all of these other groups that either are taking inspiration from those trad wife representations or they are from religious sects. And I'm saying sects, S-E-C-T-S. 0.68
00:05:25.160 So it's a hard word. It's a hard word on a podcast.
00:05:28.780 that have overlap with those fundamentalist evangelical Christianity representations.
00:05:37.840 If you look up hashtag Trad Wife on Instagram or TikTok,
00:05:41.580 you will often see in the personal bio also a Jesus wife.
00:05:47.860 Yeah.
00:05:49.000 There's all sorts of like phrases, right?
00:05:51.360 It's like God fearing mama, right?
00:05:53.660 Yes.
00:05:57.100 Or like...
00:05:57.900 God loving.
00:05:58.780 God loving. God loving is a big one.
00:06:02.080 Like, I love my kids and Jesus.
00:06:05.640 There's just like different phrases that are those tip offs.
00:06:08.940 And I'll say that that is really essential to this type of evangelical trad wife. 0.81
00:06:16.900 You will not see that in like a Mormon mom, like that sort of trad wife. 0.75
00:06:24.080 Like, it's a different sort. It's a subtle distinction, but it's a crucial one. And part of it is the way that evangelical Christians and Mormons, who are Christians, but who are not, I think, I don't group them with evangelical Christians as a larger group. 0.56
00:06:42.400 No, no.
00:06:42.920 They proselytize in different ways, and they think about their proselytizing in different ways. They have different tactics for their proselytizing. Mormons are more subtle.
00:06:52.480 mormons are way more subtle and that's why i think with a lot of the mormon mom influencers
00:07:00.360 in the very beginning a lot of people didn't even realize yet that they were mormon uh and that and
00:07:07.900 that so many of them also knew each other that they were almost a clique of women who were very
00:07:13.120 close a lot of them went to the same church because they keep their religion very much on the down low
00:07:19.180 almost as if it's buy into our lifestyle and then we'll tell you a little bit more about our
00:07:26.340 religion whereas some of the evangelical trad wives are very in your face we love jesus forward
00:07:33.220 jesus forward they are well they're jesus forward that is such a good adjective
00:07:37.500 well so first i should i should also put some of my like background uh in the forefront just to give
00:07:44.860 some context on like where I'm coming from with this. So I grew up Presbyterian, but during a
00:07:52.260 period in time when even like all of these what are called mainline religions, so like Presbyterianism,
00:07:59.040 Lutherans, like Lutherans, all these sorts of Protestant religions, even Catholicism,
00:08:03.860 we're getting this real infusion of evangelical light or some sort of version of that, like we're
00:08:10.120 coming into the culture. I also grew up in Idaho, and Idaho has the highest LDS density in the
00:08:17.200 United States. People often think it's Utah. That's false. It's actually Idaho. I know a lot
00:08:22.380 about the philosophy of proselytizing within the Mormon church. I think I got really interested in
00:08:28.000 it as I got older. I was like, oh, how is this working? Why are so many LDS kids on student
00:08:36.020 government why do they seemingly all play sports in some capacity and if you talk to kids about it
00:08:43.980 i talked to my friends about it was like you know part of what we're trying to do is be visible as
00:08:48.440 like people who are really involved right like we want to be people who are invested in our community
00:08:57.060 and and have that be really forward-facing and you know one thing that like in other countries
00:09:03.400 that the LDS church does is they, instead of, you know, they have people who knock on
00:09:08.240 doors and say, like, have you heard about our church and that sort of thing, but they're
00:09:11.420 also just very involved culture-wise in, like, there's this famous story that I heard
00:09:16.880 a bunch when I was growing up about how LDS missionaries hooked up cable in, I think this
00:09:24.720 was in, like, Bolivia or Paraguay.
00:09:27.660 They hooked up TV, basically, to a bunch of houses, and it was a channel that you got
00:09:32.120 a lot of BYU basketball so then when the missionary showed up on your door it wasn't have you heard
00:09:37.860 about our church it's you know those people that you see on your tv like we are part of that larger
00:09:42.840 organization so it's a more subtle and a more effective way of getting in the door the trad 0.96
00:09:49.720 wife style of Mormons is different than evangelical Christians who are much more likely to be the
00:09:56.140 people who are like in the middle of the farmer's market yelling like have you heard about our friend
00:10:01.200 jesus exactly exactly and and and that's what i've noticed too but i but i think that is an
00:10:09.520 important distinction when we're talking about hashtag trad wives because a lot of the like
00:10:15.760 a lot of the big trad wife accounts they are evangelical christians yeah and the the linchpin
00:10:24.820 of most of them is submission to me. We are submissive wives. We focus on being stay-at-home
00:10:34.580 moms. We don't work outside the home. And then things that feel a little bit more dangerous to
00:10:40.260 me, we don't believe in women going to college. We don't believe in women getting the same kinds 1.00
00:10:47.280 of education as men and all of this is couched in very traditionally beautiful images yeah 1.00
00:11:00.340 uh yeah and so there i don't i i hesitate to use certain adjectives here because i don't
00:11:08.080 want to say pretty and beautiful they're they're they look almost like depictions
00:11:14.420 of 1950s sitcoms which was never what the world really looked like yeah but it's especially for
00:11:23.160 the majority of human beings in the world but it's this idea of the quote-unquote wholesome
00:11:33.300 submissive housewife where they're throwing back to a kind of false nostalgia i think right right
00:11:43.220 Well, and if you think about it, this aesthetic is only possible through one, like television, right? Like the Donna Reed show where you only get these snippets and it's like very carefully edited and crafted to on the pages of Life magazine, Look magazine, where again, it's like a very specific narrative.
00:12:03.820 And then Instagram is just our contemporary version of that, where it is, you know, filters, edits, all of these things are what make that vision possible. And I think that, like, you didn't see much of it in, say, like the 1980s, at least not those representations, those beguiling representations, because the tools were not available to the individuals, right?
00:12:29.580 Of course. Yeah, they weren't. They just weren't.
00:12:31.960 And there's like there was no filters like you just you got your portrait done at Olin Mills at your church.
00:12:36.660 And that was like the extent of your ability to portray the perfection.
00:12:42.380 And now they're being broadcast to millions and millions of followers.
00:12:48.180 You wrote a really great piece.
00:12:50.700 You've written a lot of really great pieces on this.
00:12:53.240 One of them is my so-called hashtag trad wife life, where Elle asked you to live like a stay-at-home girlfriend for a week.
00:13:03.040 This is the kind of experiential journalism that I have been asked to do for my entire career. 0.93
00:13:08.780 So I'm so fucking here for it. 0.66
00:13:12.920 Well, I was so resistant because I was like, this is like, this could come off so wrong. 0.95
00:13:20.960 oh yeah this is the sort of thing that in the hands of a different editor or a different
00:13:25.720 publication this could be really bad um and i was grateful that i had i have an editor who
00:13:35.140 at l who understood that what they wanted to do was really to highlight some of the brokenness
00:13:44.360 of this image right right and like the thing that i did like immediately was you know ask my partner
00:13:53.200 should i do this and he's like you're gonna lose money if you do this because if you don't work for
00:13:59.100 pay for a week and you only get paid for doing this article like you're going to lose money
00:14:04.400 um which is just like an interesting thing to think about whenever i allow myself to think 1.00
00:14:11.180 about like the reality of a trad wife existence like what does that mean to not have any income 0.92
00:14:17.820 of your own coming in and then also i mean this is kind of getting which i have to say it terrifies
00:14:22.860 me yeah 100 that is my greatest fear my greatest fear is not having my own my own income and being
00:14:30.260 able to support myself so i think that there are women who are like you and i it seems who are very
00:14:39.380 repelled by the idea in part because of whatever happened like for me it's that I watched my
00:14:45.260 parents get divorced when I was in ninth tenth grade and my mom had stayed home for a while
00:14:51.800 and was only slowly like rejoining the workforce and she had stayed home to in part to like further
00:14:57.620 my dad's career and I was like oh this is what happens when you don't always make your own money
00:15:03.680 right yes and i've always internalized that i know a lot of other women my age or older or
00:15:10.160 slightly younger who have also internalized that i think maybe if you had a different
00:15:15.100 parental situation then maybe you might think oh yeah it's great to stay home and not have your
00:15:22.320 own money right and you my mom worked she was a teacher but she was also fully dependent on my
00:15:29.060 dad so he did all of the finance stuff she just kind of turned a blind eye and then he died and
00:15:36.140 she found out that he had gotten a second mortgage on the house and she was desperately in debt
00:15:40.640 wow yeah yeah yeah so i'm also in charge of the finances for our family so because i need to have
00:15:48.380 that control yeah my husband and i of eight years have completely separate finances i know other 1.00
00:15:55.520 women who do that. And I get it. Like, I absolutely get it. Time for a quick break. When we get back,
00:16:02.700 we're going to find out what happened with this story, with trying to be a trad wife,
00:16:07.580 or maybe not for a week.
00:16:09.320 you talk to your partner the cost-benefit analysis is you're gonna lose money on it yeah yeah well
00:16:27.680 then okay so this is just like a classic process piece that is actually about not doing the piece
00:16:32.560 right so like i was like okay i would lose money on it but okay i'll i'll like investigate
00:16:39.280 what trad wives actually have to do like what they actually have to give up and then see like
00:16:45.240 can i do these things and this is where i happened upon what i think is like a sub genre of the trad
00:16:51.300 wife genre you know larger social media genre which is people who uh espouse the i don't want
00:17:02.780 to work or like i'm not going to work i'm gonna let my husband make the money and i'm going to
00:17:08.680 be passive and domestic but they don't have the god component right it's like oh um it's really
00:17:15.400 distant distanced from that it takes all of the elements of that we're doing this because this is
00:17:22.200 what the bible says we should do but like most of these people like the one that i really spent a
00:17:30.360 lot of time with on tiktok like they they will say vague things about god but they are clearly
00:17:37.240 not going to church and doing bible study every week like the the more visible trad wives and
00:17:44.160 they have these things like this list that of things that you do if you're a trad wife that
00:17:49.340 are like i don't go to the gym without my husband um i always cook the meals that my husband wants
00:17:56.100 me to make i'm always made up and like wear my hair in the way that he likes and like put on
00:18:02.620 a dress all the time like i always get ready for the day
00:18:06.240 um uh and like i all the finances go to him you know just like this this litany of things
00:18:20.920 and some of them on that like i don't go to the gym without my husband was like well i live on
00:18:26.440 a tiny island and the gym is my peloton downstairs so i can manage that but then some of them like
00:18:32.120 it was like i don't drive after work to places without my husband huh or i don't uh i'm never
00:18:39.460 in a situation with another man uh you know classic weird shit uh but i think that well
00:18:49.860 you know the one that i the one that i'm really enjoying actually is uh i don't i wear my hair 0.92
00:18:56.480 the way my husband likes it I don't I'll have to ask Nick I don't know I don't know how he likes
00:19:03.100 my hair this is a thing that's never come up in my eight years of being married well this particular
00:19:08.420 influencer was definitely like doing some Marilyn Monroe cosplay like she her hair is very Marilyn
00:19:16.220 like there's this famous photo I bet you know exactly which one I'm talking about of Marilyn
00:19:21.520 Monroe in a blue and white checked gingham dress and it's from a photo shoot she did I believe with
00:19:27.600 life with Arthur Miller oh yeah married I think about that marriage all the time I do too 100%
00:19:35.200 and she has like the exact dress that I'm sure she got off of you know mod cloth or something 0.91
00:19:43.060 like that and then she does her hair like that and she kind of does this breathy Marilyn voice
00:19:47.300 so maybe she's just trying to say like my husband likes me to be like marilyn monroe and so i i
00:19:54.940 dress up like that i don't know wow i mean these rules these rules are so fundamentalist
00:20:03.220 yeah the and so you're you're going through them you're trying to think okay which one which ones
00:20:09.600 are even possible right um i'm also thinking in preparation of all the meals i don't cook
00:20:16.180 so my and my husband does does most of the cooking or we order takeout and so that would
00:20:25.080 that would be that would be a tricky one for me too which ones of these could you follow
00:20:30.840 well i and you're and you're not married so you're already as you wrote yeah that's living
00:20:36.960 living in sin i'm living in sin uh i mean i could follow i i have a i carry a lot of the
00:20:45.100 mental load for our household and that's something that like my partner and i are constantly
00:20:49.820 interrogating is like how to share some of that mental load so it wouldn't have been a huge jump
00:20:55.880 for me to go from like us splitting up some of those tasks for our house to me just making the
00:21:01.560 list and doing it all myself right okay right which would be easier if i wasn't working for
00:21:07.240 pay right i could just do all those things instead of doing and this is kind of the crux of my piece
00:21:12.460 is I think instead of doing the two or three jobs that I do now, and that a lot of people
00:21:20.280 stay at home or people who are working for pay outside the home and who also do work in their
00:21:28.100 home, they feel like they're doing, you know, the famous second shift or the third shift.
00:21:33.160 I would just be doing those. I would be doing fewer jobs, technically.
00:21:38.560 That's the attractive piece for me.
00:21:40.980 Yeah, that's it.
00:21:42.040 But when you get bored, you'd be like, oh, I guess I got to scrub the floor again today.
00:21:47.400 Today, because I because I, you know, I don't have anything else that I'm allowed to do because I can't leave my house without my husband.
00:21:54.860 Yeah. The the only attractive part of it, I have to say, is that I do feel it's not even two or three jobs anymore.
00:22:01.440 I feel like I have five or six jobs as a content creator and author. 0.79
00:22:06.380 I'm just constantly the hustle is fucking real. 0.95
00:22:09.640 Yeah. And the idea, sometimes these accounts, just watching them, and if I can take out some of the Jesus talk, I think, wow, they must be very relaxed, despite the fact that they're cleaning their whole house. 0.93
00:22:24.780 They're not relaxed, so this is the thing.
00:22:26.840 But they have one job. They have one job. I would like to have one job.
00:22:30.060 No, you don't feel relaxed. I think that that is such a first.
00:22:33.760 yeah yeah i think it's just my desire to have one job which it probably isn't even real i would be
00:22:40.220 so fucking bored if i had one job but but it's also like you know the old joke about like i wish
00:22:47.580 i had a wife right that's also a fantasy about having one job and that job is your actually 0.84
00:22:55.500 like the job that you get paid to do so what would that be like for me that would be more enjoyable
00:23:01.400 than only doing housework because like i don't loathe cleaning the house i i don't find it
00:23:10.660 fulfilling like i can find it gratifying that because i like a clean house but it's not something
00:23:16.160 that i like wake up in the morning and like you know what i just love doing is vacuuming cleaning 0.88
00:23:21.860 shit and if people say that they like cleaning shit like it's because they like the end process 0.96
00:23:28.400 It's not like, I don't know. 1.00
00:23:29.980 It's complicated, I think.
00:23:32.000 I think it's complicated.
00:23:33.380 Sometimes people are like, my hobby is home organization.
00:23:39.560 And I'm like, there's something larger going on here.
00:23:42.040 Mm-hmm.
00:23:42.800 Mm-hmm.
00:23:43.640 Yeah, I feel that.
00:23:44.860 I feel that very deeply.
00:23:46.280 I do.
00:23:46.900 Because I'm satisfied when things are organized.
00:23:49.020 I don't love the process, which is why I listen to podcasts or I watch shitty TV while I organize things.
00:23:56.380 instead of just focusing on it.
00:24:00.480 But now we're going off on so many wonderful tangents. 1.00
00:24:07.240 And the avoiding opposite sex friendships is amazing to me, too. 1.00
00:24:12.280 Yeah, yeah. 0.99
00:24:13.400 I remember when, you know, when Mike Pence was running for vice president alongside Donald Trump,
00:24:20.740 there was some, I think from liberal circles, some amazed discourse that like,
00:24:26.380 And he would not be in a room alone with a woman. And I'm like, yeah, that is normal within that Christian culture. You never are in the room with someone of an opposite sex alone.
00:24:43.720 And part of this is this understanding that, like, you will always, somehow women are always, like, even if they don't mean to be, that they are always evil seductresses who will tempt men. 0.89
00:25:00.540 Always. Always, yeah. 0.90
00:25:01.980 And that it is women's job, first and foremost, to not be objects of temptation, but not put themselves in situations where they would also tempt their, quote unquote, Christian brothers.
00:25:13.420 Right.
00:25:13.860 So it is your job to not put yourself in that situation, not because, like, you would flirt with other people, but because you would also be harming your Christian brothers.
00:25:25.760 Right. Right. And we don't want to harm them.
00:25:27.640 We don't.
00:25:28.020 No, because, you know, they're not in control of their emotions or their sexual irritations.
00:25:31.980 No, or their sexual urges. They cannot control them.
00:25:34.900 My favorite story about that is one of my friends was one of the first women cops in Philadelphia, and she fought to be a police officer. It wasn't allowed for women to be police officers before 1974. And they wouldn't let the women ride in the police cars with the male police officers, because they were like, you're just a bunch of whores, and you're clearly going to try to have sex with these men. 0.85
00:26:00.660 Yeah. Yeah. It's just this understanding of women as like sex activators. 1.00
00:26:08.240 Yes. An amazing sex activation machine can't be controlled. 1.00
00:26:16.140 It's a submission that gets me. It's a submission that makes me nervous. I don't necessarily agree
00:26:22.560 with all of the articles that say, hey, so many young girls are going to be influenced by these 0.58
00:26:30.040 women to not go to college or to be submissive. But by the same token, I do know some young women
00:26:40.380 and we have a lot of young podcast producers. We have a whole army of babysitters because again,
00:26:47.720 I can't do this myself. I'm failing every day at everything that I'm doing, who do follow some of
00:26:56.040 these accounts and who who do tell me things like well yeah no I mean I don't maybe I I don't think
00:27:01.860 that I want I want to work I don't want to hustle and I'm wondering how much these accounts actually
00:27:05.960 do influence some young women well see I think there's a real difference between like anti-hustle
00:27:11.420 culture and I want to like sublimate my identity to my husband's right yes yes and I think that
00:27:21.400 Like, that is where the sweet spot is, is, like, I want to resist, like, hashtag girl boss, but the way to resist that is not by becoming a trad wife.
00:27:32.000 Like, I think this is where I think you get the stay-at-home girlfriend trend, which is slightly different, right?
00:27:38.680 And I, like, when my editor at Elle asked me to do this, she was like, you know, we're looking at trad wives, but also stay-at-home girlfriends.
00:27:45.480 And stay-at-home girlfriends, to me, seems like a slightly different component.
00:27:49.300 like these women may or may not have gone to college like they are much more focused in like
00:27:56.100 preserving themselves as um ideal femininity in terms like society's ideal femininity so they do 0.99
00:28:03.740 a lot of pilates on screen in like you know uh what's the brand i'm thinking of like in matching
00:28:13.180 like tank top the aloe aloe yeah yeah the a l l o yeah and they like they like make chia bowls for
00:28:22.740 them and their husband and live in like beautiful high rises and they don't have kids like this is
00:28:27.360 an important component and they're younger right like it would be interesting to see
00:28:33.460 what happens to those people in 10 years like that to me i can see how that if you were a younger
00:28:38.920 person you'd be like that's aspirational because i just consume all the time i consume or consume
00:28:44.560 and then also like tighten my body there's a lot of like there's a lot of crossover with these 1.00
00:28:51.420 young women in body tightening slash wellness yeah whereas i think a lot of trad wives like 1.00
00:28:57.260 someone like ballerina wife or ballerina farm um and she's an lds influencer who overlaps with some 0.51
00:29:04.900 of these trad wife aspirations she's not consuming per se even though her farm is filled with things
00:29:14.680 that are actually very expensive even if they look cheap or not expensive they are very expensive
00:29:19.160 yes she is like creating and that is i think tapping a different well of desire which is
00:29:26.380 what if i gotta like cook cool things all day right yeah what if i gotta be a creative 0.99
00:29:33.620 like do my domestic creativity product like things that are I can only do as hobbies now
00:29:39.940 what if I got to do that all day right right which I think is very attractive to a lot of people and
00:29:47.600 that's that's what I wanted to ask you next what do you think these accounts have millions of
00:29:52.800 followers or not all of them but some of them have millions of followers and you know a lot of them
00:29:58.000 have in the high tens of thousands of followers. What is attractive about these accounts? Why do
00:30:06.600 they get so many followers? Well, I think sometimes people underestimate just how many
00:30:12.100 evangelical Christians there are in the United States, right? I no longer underestimate it
00:30:18.880 after Donald Trump's election, actually. Or people who believe in that ideal and aren't
00:30:25.800 maybe necessarily going to church every week but like you know this is the the type of
00:30:29.880 religious person that is very is more common in america now than ever before is someone who says
00:30:36.280 like they are a religious person but if asked when they go to church they're like i don't go
00:30:39.740 to church right like donald trump is the model of this yes yes uh but i think that
00:30:47.220 the same way that like i don't know there's people that i follow influencers that i follow
00:30:54.840 who are uh creative but like feminist and like flippant or um people doing like cool queer
00:31:05.580 design of different things like those people for a lot of evangelical christians like that
00:31:10.600 those aren't people that they can follow so who do they follow for lifestyle content essentially
00:31:15.680 like this is their version of a beauty magazine for evangelical christians that's cool yeah and
00:31:24.620 And we say that all the time on this podcast, that this is a lot of these social media feeds
00:31:30.680 and a lot of these TikToks are the equivalent of an old school beauty magazine.
00:31:35.820 Yeah.
00:31:35.960 The same way that I grew up, and I'm sure you grew up consuming things like
00:31:40.140 sassy or vogue or glamour. And I mean, oh my God, Mademoiselle just popped into my head.
00:31:50.260 YM.
00:31:50.740 Oh, YM. What did that stand for? Was it Young and Miss?
00:31:55.500 Young and Modern.
00:31:56.420 Young and Modern. Young and Modern, not Young Miss.
00:31:59.880 But these are the modern day equivalent, I think, of magazines. It's just a different form of media.
00:32:07.320 And so, yeah, this is what you would scroll through if this is the kind of thing, I think, that appeals to you.
00:32:15.000 And there are certain things that do appeal to me on some of these accounts as well.
00:32:20.500 You know, I get very sucked into something like, how do I make a meal for nine kids, which you mentioned in your newsletter.
00:32:29.360 But you know what? You know what I do with that reel? Forward it to my husband.
00:32:32.540 And I'm like, look how you can make a meal for nine kids.
00:32:37.540 I mean, I. I find the performance of motherhood on social media really exhausting.
00:32:44.380 like to me it always looks very exhausting uh and i like so i think that that component of it
00:32:51.520 to me is like oofsa uh i think that sometimes it's a way that like the performance of it is a
00:33:00.300 way to like even the stuff that's like real talk this is what my life was like or whatever that
00:33:06.620 you see both in trad wife influencers but also non-trad wife influencers uh it feels like a
00:33:14.420 subterfuse or like a way for us to be to deflect from their their real problem with motherhood in
00:33:22.740 america which is that like we are still pretending that every family is arranged like a trad wife
00:33:28.420 family but that is not the case for the vast majority of families and shouldn't be the case
00:33:34.020 Like we're a different society. So how do we create supports for that? We're not because we are legislating in a way that is trying desperately to, again, pretend that this is like the reality that we can go back to when, again, it was not the reality for the vast majority of Americans, even in the 1950s.
00:33:52.040 Right. And it's not the reality for the vast majority of Americans now. So that to me, like I sometimes I get frustrated and fatigued with that. Like it's just an aesthetic distraction from actually grappling with these larger issues.
00:34:08.020 And I understand why, like, at any point in time, we often glom to those things instead of dealing with the real issue.
00:34:17.420 But, yeah.
00:34:18.260 But, yeah, no, but it is a distraction.
00:34:20.560 And I think, clearly, it's hard to distill all of the systemic issues that make motherhood in America feel impossible into a beautiful reel.
00:34:34.020 Yeah.
00:34:34.240 Uh, but I think that it does distract us from the larger point of the labor that women are 1.00
00:34:44.320 putting in. 0.99
00:34:45.380 And I watch a lot of these Chadwife accounts and make no mistake, what they're doing is
00:34:52.460 work.
00:34:53.760 They are running or, you know, an entire home. 1.00
00:34:58.380 What women, what mothers do in the home is work.
00:35:01.260 And so I don't want to take away from that.
00:35:04.240 But when the idea becomes this is the only work that women should be allowed to do, that's when it becomes so, so incredibly troublesome. 0.53
00:35:17.100 There's a lot of things that the transformed wife—so you still follow her? 0.93
00:35:21.500 Yeah, God. 0.70
00:35:22.440 Yeah, well, there's a lot there's a lot of things she says that that, you know, she says things like young women waste their most fertile, beautiful years pursuing a college education and a career rather than marrying, bearing children and guiding the home.
00:35:37.420 This is not where she says things like you should make yourself available to your husband and his urges at all times at all times at all times.
00:35:47.040 Like, just this, like, sexual, like, availability that, yeah.
00:35:52.900 Yes, I still follow her is what I'm short of it.
00:35:56.460 Here's the thing.
00:35:57.380 I had not followed her before I read your newsletter.
00:36:01.120 And now, I don't know.
00:36:03.320 I mean, I might not unfollow her.
00:36:05.540 Just, I mean, now I'm so incredibly curious about her, to be honest.
00:36:11.060 I'm curious.
00:36:11.620 But I, and my listeners are so curious about this world.
00:36:14.900 And maybe that says a little bit about who my influencers are. They are not trad wives. Most of them are still involved in the quote unquote hustle culture of trying to be, we don't say the word girl boss anymore. And also my friends are all in their 40s. So like partner lady or whatever career lady is. 0.95
00:36:34.280 and and they have said to me that some of like some of this it is
00:36:40.380 appealing only in the fact that it is a grass is greener thing it's that oh my gosh i would love
00:36:47.560 not to be taking this deposition right now and to be making an apple crisp but oh i also forgot that
00:36:53.320 i hate cooking and i am have never made an apple crisp in my life and i i don't even know what the
00:37:00.800 things that go into an apple crisp. But it is a grass is greener kind of thing, which I think
00:37:06.060 about with Ballerina Farm a lot. And we talked about this in another episode. No, farm work is
00:37:12.680 hard. Farm work is crippling labor. It is. It is not easy breezy hobby farm beautiful the way that
00:37:22.000 she makes it seem. And yet there's all these people that follow her. And I see in the comments
00:37:26.800 too that gosh i just wish that i had this farm life it's like you have no idea the hell it is
00:37:33.340 to milk a cow well i think about this a lot actually with gardening because it's my hobby
00:37:41.260 and there is a real temptation with if you follow certain influencers to think like oh if i made my
00:37:51.100 like gardening into my full-time life if i just grew dahlias all the time like how beautiful my
00:37:56.800 life would be but then there is this whole other culture of influencers that are like 0.62
00:38:01.580 here is all the hard fucking work i do right like here is me like here is every like they really 0.73
00:38:08.100 spell out not in a way that i feel like is shamey it's just more like this is what it's actually 0.95
00:38:12.360 like to to run a flower farm yes and to me it's a job yeah and to me i think that that is 0.81
00:38:19.560 what i appreciate because what they're influencing is like jobs are jobs right like a trad wife's
00:38:26.760 job as a wife like in this position like that is a job like they're working hard and especially if
00:38:34.240 they're making themselves available to their husbands all the time god that sounds so exhausting
00:38:41.580 and also in a lot of these cases you know not using birth control so they are pregnant
00:38:47.320 constantly all the time or they're pregnant a lot or nursing a lot um their bodies are not
00:38:55.780 their own for a long time like you are putting your body to work in a way that is it takes a
00:39:02.360 real toll and real toll yeah but here's the thing is that women in those positions are taught like 0.97
00:39:08.860 essentially to empty out their reaction to things right like your feelings about something do not 1.00
00:39:14.420 matter. And you replace that with here is what the Bible says I should feel about this situation.
00:39:20.460 And if you are not feeling that, then you are sinning. Right. So I think that that like you
00:39:26.120 replace unhappiness with like. I just need to be better. Like if I if I am more. Passive to my
00:39:35.360 husband, then I will be happier because that is God's plan for me. Right. Right. The irony
00:39:43.880 in this though is and maybe it may be a wrong here but i want to throw it out because
00:39:49.340 what i realized about influencers doing this podcast and all of the reporting that i've done
00:39:54.860 is that it's not as easy as it looks and content creation is is a job and they are working and
00:40:05.320 many of them are indeed making money off of this and so they are like they do have a business they
00:40:13.300 working they are putting in time that is not just running their homes and so that seems like an
00:40:18.800 anathema to what they claim their values are because they definitely are putting in work
00:40:25.920 well this is i mean there are there are contradictions at the heart of this entire
00:40:33.560 worldview right like i mean i just think about this all the time with like here's a religion that 0.93
00:40:38.380 is ostensibly built on the teachings of Jesus Christ that also, like, hates gay and trans
00:40:45.460 people, like, is xenophobic, like, all of these different things that, honestly, were 0.78
00:40:52.220 at the heart of my own leaving Christianity behind.
00:40:58.540 But you live, you learn to live with those sorts of contradictions.
00:41:03.180 Right.
00:41:03.800 Right.
00:41:04.340 Yeah.
00:41:05.220 Because, well, if you can't live with them, what do you do?
00:41:08.380 like it's just yeah it's it yes and no pray about it you pray you say like you pray this is like i
00:41:16.180 prayed to see if god like does god support the me doing this right like there there are different
00:41:22.880 narratives that you can that are easy to weave in terms of like i'm making this money to support
00:41:29.540 my family or like i'm this like i run this business that's part of my instagram influencing
00:41:35.680 but it's also me spreading god's word that sort of thing right exactly exactly
00:41:42.040 hello there's so much there's so much to to to take in here i did i looked at one
00:41:51.760 trad wife account today and now i don't remember which one it was but it
00:41:55.380 was encouraging all all of the followers to wear a dress all the time yeah and they and they said
00:42:04.140 that they had been told by their father and i've seen this in other trad wife accounts they'd been
00:42:08.740 told by their father when they were growing up that if they needed to change their mood or they
00:42:14.260 needed to feel great about their day all they had to do was put on a dress yeah and you know there's
00:42:20.420 nothing about a dress that is inherent like the cut of a dress that is inherently feminine like
00:42:25.280 it's not like oh if you don't have room for two legs like if you're not tailored for two legs
00:42:31.640 that that is like a feminine thing like i think of all sorts of different cultures that don't 0.98
00:42:37.580 necessarily just like think of pants and dresses as gendered in these sorts of ways yeah but within
00:42:45.260 that understanding when you step into the dress you are essentially stepping into your submission
00:42:51.060 yes you're stepping into your role yeah um yeah and so i will tell you that in anticipation of
00:43:03.540 our conversation today i was feeling shitty earlier and i did put on a dress
00:43:11.500 and it was one of those i put on a very purposeful dress it was one of those long
00:43:18.680 flowy prairie
00:43:20.520 doan dresses that I've been
00:43:22.440 influenced to buy
00:43:24.580 many times.
00:43:27.780 And then I 1.00
00:43:28.720 tripped down the goddamn stairs. 0.99
00:43:33.460 Because I was 1.00
00:43:34.640 trying to carry a dozen
00:43:36.740 things. That is a metaphor
00:43:38.500 for the trad wife life. 1.00
00:43:41.680 You're trying to 0.60
00:43:42.700 carry a dozen things.
00:43:43.760 Trying to carry a dozen things. And yeah, I just
00:43:46.260 fell right down the stairs
00:43:48.340 in my dress and so i took it off put my put my sweatpants back on and then forwarded my husband
00:43:56.820 what i want for dinner break time quick break time when we get back we're going to talk just
00:44:03.000 a little bit more about whether the trad wives are fulfilled or empty and dead inside
00:44:09.700 You know, one thing I think about is how much of this identity is women, when they were young, especially if they grew up in this religious tradition, like they have always been told to empty out, to eradicate, to stifle any questioning thought, anything that is different than the norm, than the status quo within their church. 0.91
00:44:36.360 Like there's just so little room for the development of an identity of like figuring out who you are, what you actually want, what it feels like to know what you want, those sorts of things. 0.96
00:44:48.700 And so the trad wife becomes a convenient identity, right?
00:44:55.920 It's like, this is who I am. 0.98
00:44:57.500 I get it now, right?
00:44:58.520 Like I can identify with this.
00:45:01.060 Like this feels right.
00:45:03.420 But really what it is is that there's been so little opportunity to actually figure out what knowing what you want even feels like.
00:45:12.260 I think that that is so incredibly true.
00:45:17.340 There hasn't been the space to figure out what you want.
00:45:21.600 And that's not just for women in evangelical circles.
00:45:27.140 I think that women generally haven't historically been given enough space to think about what do we want.
00:45:32.240 and what will actually make us feel fulfilled and and make us happy in that in in that way the
00:45:41.820 trad wives are all of us great well and that's the thing too is i think sometimes there is a danger
00:45:47.300 in this discourse and i saw it in like comments on my piece of people who actually hadn't read
00:45:51.800 the piece like are you demonizing stay-at-home moms like no no no no no all this is all about
00:46:01.160 agency right and i think that sometimes it's it's difficult to not fall into that trap of like
00:46:07.480 well everyone's choosing their choice like even trad wives are choosing their choice
00:46:12.400 when sometimes there is some false consciousness here in terms of like
00:46:16.860 are you choosing it or are you choosing from the menu the very brief menu of options that
00:46:23.520 are available to you exactly like basically you can be a trad wife or you can be a missionary
00:46:29.360 that's like right if you're a woman if you're a woman right and that's and i will say i some of 1.00
00:46:37.480 the most bad ass hard-working women that i know are stay-at-home moms and make make no mistake 1.00
00:46:43.880 they are working and that is the choice they've made for themselves and their family trad wife 0.99
00:46:50.820 feels like something totally different to me than stay-at-home mom it feels like offering
00:46:57.560 like you said two choices or really ultimately zero choices and it is also the submissive element 1.00
00:47:05.340 because the stay-at-home moms that i know are the goddamn boss in their house yep uh there is 1.00
00:47:11.820 nothing submissive about them but the defining characteristic of the trad wife is the submissiveness 0.98
00:47:19.700 yes yeah oh yeah I love this conversation so much well I could obviously I mean when it so I wrote 0.57
00:47:29.140 this piece for Elle and then I was like oh my gosh there's so many things that I didn't actually
00:47:34.820 touch on in that piece because it was limited by time and space and that sort of thing so I had to
00:47:38.960 write like a lot more in my newsletter and I didn't I didn't anticipate how popular that
00:47:44.900 newsletter would be it speaks to how popular this like conversation is what were the comments like
00:47:50.520 on that newsletter um i think a lot of people either you know this world or you don't right
00:47:58.560 right and a lot of people i know didn't know it until i started talking about it on the podcast
00:48:02.920 and it's not necessarily that the people who know it are like christians right this is something
00:48:09.860 that like people there you know the same reason that people who weren't moms and who weren't
00:48:16.260 mormon read mormon mommy blogs in the 2000s and early 2010s like there is a voyeurism element
00:48:23.640 to some of this oh do they of course or a gossip element too like what is happening with this
00:48:28.780 family blah blah blah i actually don't think that trad wives give any good gossip um no it doesn't 1.00
00:48:34.220 seem so doesn't seem so it's not like interesting i've looked there's no tension because they can't
00:48:40.620 express any sort of doubt because that itself like it has to be like i was feeling down and then i
00:48:46.940 prayed and then i felt better kind of thing you know what i mean um there hasn't been a real there
00:48:52.400 hasn't been a real trad wife scandal yet either no no um that has really sucked me in unlike the
00:48:58.600 mormon mom influencers who give us scandals all the time oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah so i think that 0.99
00:49:04.960 like the response for some of my readers and especially male readers was what the fuck 0.99
00:49:12.020 you know yeah and then there were some people who were like this makes total sense this is part of 0.95
00:49:19.040 a much larger backlash um that is that has been gaining steam and you know i mentioned this a
00:49:27.700 little bit in the newsletter but there's a whole nother direction you could go that's really
00:49:30.540 emphasizing how much of especially the like really mainstream trad way like the the super trad
00:49:36.780 wives like how much of this has to do with white supremacy both explicitly and more furtively uh
00:49:44.540 so there was some conversation about that because i i absolutely think that's the case and um
00:49:49.340 say we're darby's book what what's it called um it's about
00:49:56.460 googling um sisters and hate say we're darby's book sisters and hate which is about
00:50:03.600 american women that are involved in white extremism broadly but like trad wives are a
00:50:09.700 big part of it so i think that connects some dots for people so if they were familiar with
00:50:14.660 her work they were like oh yes i know about this yeah um so and you know like growing up in north
00:50:21.700 idaho like i and then doing reporting there especially over the past couple of years back
00:50:27.260 when i used to live in montana like i met trad wives who don't have an instagram presence right
00:50:31.920 like they are just trad wives they just live in north idaho and like live this as their truth
00:50:36.460 and so and it has incredible political ramifications so i think some there's some
00:50:42.420 like, oh my gosh, these ridiculous Instagram accounts, why do you follow them? And then 0.82
00:50:46.760 there's some that's like, I have seen the effect of these people on the political landscape of my
00:50:54.080 state, on the educational landscape of my state. Like this stuff is really important. We have to
00:50:59.440 take it seriously. It is really important. I mean, I think the thing about influencers,
00:51:05.300 and i say this a lot is and you're someone who has done so much research into the world of
00:51:12.780 celebrity from an academic standpoint so i think you'll you'll get what i'm saying here
00:51:18.940 is that influencers are now often as influential as some celebrities they have yeah they have so
00:51:26.660 many followers they do induce people not just to buy things but to think things and i believe they
00:51:33.500 should be covered the same way that I believed 20 years ago. Celebrities should be covered
00:51:38.660 because when you have influence over people, journalism should hold you accountable.
00:51:44.340 Yeah. And I believe that is now influencers have reached that point. And I think that journalism
00:51:49.660 should now hold them accountable. We should be talking about this world. We should be talking
00:51:54.740 about how they influence our thoughts and our ideas and our culture.
00:52:00.760 I mean, they're called the influencer.
00:52:02.680 They're called, they're actually called influencers.
00:52:06.120 Well, and I think of them, you know how like celebrity is this large understanding that this term that we have to describe someone who is a public figure who is known for something, right?
00:52:17.840 And who maybe has a persona that is, we can talk a little bit about like a public persona that they present to the world and that is consumable and then a private persona.
00:52:26.520 So oftentimes there is that delineation. And this is true even for reality stars and influencers. But under that huge umbrella, you know, we have movie stars, musicians, television stars. Like there is some overlap between those two. But I think that there was like a resistance to put influencers under that umbrella for some reason.
00:52:48.640 I think just because people thought that they like, you know, they're famous for not being, they're famous for being famous, like they have no skill, but they do have a skill.
00:52:57.400 Their skill is influencing people.
00:52:59.280 They are celebritized individuals.
00:53:01.400 And so they should be underneath that skill in the same way.
00:53:10.620 That's all I got for this week, guys.
00:53:13.320 Do you have more questions than answers?
00:53:15.580 Because I have more questions than answers.
00:53:17.680 And that's my fault as the host of this show. It is. Subscribe, subscribe, subscribe to Anne
00:53:24.580 Helen Peterson's Culture Studies Substack. It is a must read and it is always a dose of joy
00:53:30.940 and brilliance for me. Also listen to her podcast Work Appropriate. And now for my vicious self
00:53:37.140 promotion. If you love this show, give us a review. Tell a friend. Tell your husband. Tell
00:53:44.000 your mom, tell your neighbor. It all helps. It all helps. And also, hey, pre-order the Sicilian
00:53:49.580 inheritance because I am a sales freaking monster right now. And if you do, maybe I'll show up at
00:53:55.540 your house dressed like a trad wife and ask you to cook me dinner. 0.99