00:06:57.720Bertrana was around four years old, and she remembers this as an out-of-body experience,
00:07:02.440a moment of sudden and brutal self-awareness.
00:07:05.120I remember gaining consciousness and then my two older sisters laughing at me while my mother was screaming at me.
00:07:12.580She remembers seeing the entire scene as if from outside herself.
00:07:16.220And that was the first time I realized my family is making fun of me right now.
00:07:21.980Although she wouldn't have the language for it until many, many years later, the experience taught her something about her place in the family.
00:07:29.540That it was something more than her being the youngest that made them treat her the way they did.
00:07:33.480So I started, like, crying, like, crying so heavily that I couldn't breathe.
00:07:39.320I remember the shock on their face.0.99
00:07:40.700I was like, oh, shit, like, she knows what's going on.0.99
00:10:17.300Yes, expect inconsistency, right? So with that becoming the basis, like I was always willing to hear a religious concept. Like I was like, yeah, like I don't I don't think mine is the most right. I'm willing to hear yours and grab from it and like look into the truth. And I think that because I had that concept of like nothing is ever going to be the same, that I was okay with consistently changing my concept of religion and how God worked and what God was.
00:10:44.780When Bertrana was in middle school, she moved to Connecticut with her family.
00:10:48.520She was one of the only black kids in the school.
00:10:51.140Then they moved to inner Philly, where she wasn't.
00:10:53.560But it didn't really make a difference.0.73
00:10:57.360People just targeted me. It was so weird. It was so weird.
00:11:01.340Bertrana sensed that at school, there were also rules.
00:11:05.700Expectations about how she was supposed to act, supposed to talk.
00:11:09.260What she was supposed to like and not like.
00:11:11.700But what those rules were, she didn't know.
00:11:13.780she could only guess. Even simple things, like when she should laugh, were mystifying to her.
00:11:19.560And, call it instinct, but Petrana also knew that knowing the rules and then following them
00:11:24.660was primarily what made social belonging possible. She knew that being part of the
00:11:29.160group was safer, and that being excluded left her vulnerable to threat.
00:11:34.600Personally, I don't trust anyone who claims to have enjoyed middle school,
00:11:38.040solely because it was one of the worst eras of my life, thanks to both braces, my mom's choice,
00:11:43.280and JNCO jeans, a choice which was, unfortunately, my own. At that age, I think everyone feels on
00:11:50.580some level that not belonging is really scary. And I think sometimes that fear manifests as
00:11:56.220cruelty towards the people who most remind us that our belonging is precarious. It manifests
00:12:01.600as cruelty towards people like Bertrana. There was one time in sixth grade, I had this really
00:12:08.180bad botch perm that my mother gave me. So you know how we had those like ponytail extensions,
00:12:13.520right? Some girl came up and pulled the ponytail off of me and ran around the recess room with it,1.00
00:12:18.980right? It was like, damn, like, I just don't want to fight. I really just want to get this work done0.98
00:12:25.340and go back to the other awful home I had. Like a lot of autistic people, she did her best to1.00
00:12:30.940compensate, to mask, to conform. I watched a lot of TV and I feel like that's what helped me1.00
00:12:36.560understand social cues especially with like sitcom shows it's oh you can understand sarcasm
00:12:40.960because they put the like audience laughing cue right afterwards things like that help you
00:12:45.640decipher what's actually going on but to the other kids there was something off about her
00:12:50.960something different that was somehow both obvious but difficult to articulate
00:12:55.860an uncanny valley experience and i think around 13 is when i started to like actually adjust i
00:13:03.320I think that's when I started being, like, able to mask well enough that, like, I had friends and, like, even if I was deemed different, it was more like a quirky, not a, like, different that people couldn't describe.
00:13:14.160But then Bertrana's mom told her something surprising, something that made sense.
00:20:35.440And I think that's why my mind repressed those memories, because, like, if I had that mentality growing up, I don't think I would have achieved as much as I did.
00:20:44.060For Bertrana to keep moving forward, it had taken a remarkable amount of maturity and faith.
00:20:49.820It had also taken a very impressive amount of empathy.
00:20:53.400I think back to those moments and I'm like, it probably was difficult to be a single mother raising a child who is now deemed autistic.
00:20:59.820I'm sure she didn't do any research of what autism was, so she probably thought that meant I would be a slow child that she would have to take care of for the rest of my life and her life as well.
00:21:10.040It's like I was a child then, and none of you protected me.
00:21:12.780You didn't protect me because you thought I was disabled mentally.
00:21:16.280You kind of assumed that the way you treated me would never see the light of day, which is why you treated me that way.
00:21:22.360Right. They assumed that you wouldn't be able to articulate what happened or advocate for yourself, right?
00:21:29.820And that's really unfortunate because you look at people with disabilities in the United States in general, right?
00:21:34.320And it's like, if your own family is willing to do that to you, let's look at the system.
00:21:37.580But because we live in a society that purposely makes us feel like if you don't do it the way the majority does, then you are not doing it correctly.
00:21:46.500It just makes it difficult for those who are already neurodivergent to find their place.
00:21:52.060A lot of times, especially when it comes to Americans, diversity is considered only when it comes to color, right?
00:21:57.740and like it's more like a black and white concept and it kind of correlates back to the concept of
00:22:01.620like neurodiversity and how it's now become like either neurotypical or neurodiverse right yeah
00:22:07.400my degree was in bio and i think about biodiversity i think about studying us i think we need to
00:22:13.120study ourselves the way we study animals and i think that we think human beings are too complex
00:22:18.660we are complex but so are bugs and you know like everything is complex and it's like but we're
00:22:23.900still at the end of the day mammal. Am I making sense? Yes, I'm nodding. Yeah, you definitely
00:22:28.280are. Yes, Bertrana was making sense. Let me explain after the break.
00:22:38.680So how did the movement for neurodiversity that began in the 90s become how we talk about it
00:22:44.560today? A more rigid black and white binary with the neurotypicals on one side and the
00:22:49.820neurodivergence on the other. My degree was in bio and I think about biodiversity and it kind
00:22:54.800of correlates back to neurodiversity and how it's now become like either neurotypical or neurodiverse.
00:23:00.120I was also curious about that reframe. And what I found out is that the reality is a lot more
00:23:05.680grayscale than black and white. Autism spectrum disorder can manifest as a diverse and wide
00:23:12.160ranging spectrum of traits and challenges. That's why spectrum is in the name. There's not one way
00:23:17.460to be autistic, there are many, many ways to be autistic. But a director of the Yale
00:23:22.520Developmental Disabilities Clinic says that trying to pin down the biology behind autism
00:23:26.900has been difficult for autism researchers. They have yet to find an objective, measurable,
00:23:32.500biological difference between an autistic brain and a neurotypical one.
00:23:37.980Nonetheless, Judy Singer, the mother of the neurodiversity movement, relied on biology
00:27:32.640In forests and tide pools, the value of biological diversity is resilience.
00:27:38.580And in nature, across the plant, animal, and microbial kingdoms,
00:27:43.320variation is not pathologized or seen as a problem to solve.
00:27:47.880Silber cites the author of a book about neurodiversity in the classroom, who writes,
00:27:51.800We don't pathologize a calla lily by saying it has a petal deficit disorder.
00:27:58.100Similarly, we ought not to pathologize children who have different kinds of brains and different ways of thinking and learning.
00:28:05.820So Bea was definitely, absolutely making sense when she told me that neurodiversity discourse makes her, a bio-major, think of biodiversity, where variation is normal and expected and isn't cause for exclusion or hierarchy.
00:28:21.800Biodiversity, or biological diversity, refers to the huge variety of all life on Earth in all its forms,
00:28:29.780from genes and bacteria to entire ecosystems, from forests to coral reefs.
00:28:35.900Whether it's plants or microbes or animals, everything lives and exists in a collective.
00:28:42.880Ayesha Khan is a divergent infectious disease scientist, germ doctor, grassroots organizer, writer, and astrobiologist.
00:28:51.120Like everything is interdependent, right?
00:31:40.880And it's liberating in so many ways to know that there is an order and that there is a pattern.
00:31:46.740Because we need to know that this is not just all random.
00:31:50.880As the People's Oracle, Dana practices astrology for the well-being of the collective.
00:31:55.920The thing that I've learned is that humans are so incredibly simple.
00:32:00.320And the simplicity is that we will do anything to not be alienated. Anything. Think of the most egregious, violent thing, but also think of the most beautiful, harmonious thing.
00:32:19.560humans will do anything to not be ostracized and alienated. And for me, I think the other piece
00:32:27.840is that we're the same. We all need validation and respect. That's the sun. We all need comfort
00:32:36.840and safety. That's the moon. We all need to be heard and understood. That's Mercury. We all need
00:32:42.900to belong. That's Venus. We all need autonomy and a sense of personal power. That's Mars. We all need0.99
00:32:50.740for things to make sense in some way, shape, or form. That's Jupiter. And we're all going to die.
00:32:56.400And we all need privacy. That's Saturn. And it's just a question of what is our cultural
00:33:04.660relationship with these things? And what are the personal ways we come into relationship
00:33:13.080with these parts of ourselves based on our culture and our home and family?
00:33:21.520With this mathematical tracking of both near and distant stars moving slowly across the sky,
00:33:27.460astrology was the earliest practice of cosmology, a science that deals with the
00:33:32.120study of the universe as a whole. Today's technology means cosmologists and astronomers
00:33:37.920alike can know way more about stars and planets than Babylonian astrologers could have ever
00:33:42.960imagined. Like we know that the same basic elements that form stars, carbon, hydrogen,
00:33:48.940phosphorus, nitrogen, are the same basic elements that form life on Earth. These elements are the
00:33:55.400building blocks of molecules like DNA, and for proteins and for carbohydrates, all of which are
00:34:01.260essential for life. And we also know that when stars explode or die, new elements are released,
00:34:07.880including the calcium that makes up our bones and the oxygen that we breathe.
00:34:12.380And that's what that guy was talking about when he said we're all made of stars.
00:34:21.560Not long after returning from the Peace Corps, Bea applied to med school.
00:34:26.220Then she made the decision to go no contact with her family.
00:34:31.260I started therapy just because I was, like, starting med school, and I knew that I really needed to, like, be able to compartmentalize.
00:34:38.200I remember talking to my therapist, like, the first conversation and explaining to her, like, my achievements and, like, all my accolades.
00:34:45.940And she was like, you've achieved so much for your age.
00:34:48.100And she kind of asked me, she's like, why do you need therapy?
00:34:49.880Bertrana explained that her focus on academic achievements had all been part of her strategy of escape.
00:34:55.160I'm really proud of all the accolades I have, but it was like, I need to get out of here, and I need to do it correctly.
00:35:01.260like I don't have a second chance I don't have other options you know I don't have someone to
00:35:04.620fall back on yeah and like what's motivating you now me girl I deserve everything I deserve it all
00:35:11.420I deserve it all I'm so relieved that that's your answer I love that like I deserve it all oh my
00:35:17.160goodness yeah you do so much yes I love it I'm so so happy that's how you answered I love it for you
00:35:23.400yeah no especially like I look back and I think about how many out-of-body experiences I was
00:35:29.340having because of how traumatized I was and I look back to baby B and I'm like oh my god
00:35:33.860baby girl like you don't realize how much you have done for me to be here in this moment like
00:35:38.920you don't know how much work you laid down like how humble and graceful you moved I hope I am half0.99
00:35:45.260a woman I was as a child I really do she was just on another level of phenomenal just getting shit
00:35:52.920done and being in tunnel vision like she did not care about anything else but the prize
00:35:57.580i feel like i was never a good masker in the same way that like i never felt like i needed to
00:36:04.740apologize or explain my queerness to anybody i don't feel like i've ever needed to apologize
00:36:08.720or explain my autism to anyone you know i mean i'm like you need to get over it i don't need
00:36:12.460to explain to you why i'm this way or like try to make you feel more comfortable because you
00:36:17.600don't understand me that's not my problem i understand that we call it disability but it's
00:36:23.900disability because it's disabling others around you. It's not necessarily a
00:36:28.280disability unless it makes other people around you feel uncomfortable. I feel
00:36:33.080like if we had a world like maybe there'll be a Wakanda of all of us just
00:36:36.440living and like you know prospering all of us neurodivergence but if there was