00:00:00.000class is in session hey everybody it is just me you get just me today guys welcome to unlearn 16
00:00:10.020class is in session um i i didn't know what i was going to talk about this week because my head has
00:00:18.000been spinning and you guys all know why my head's been spinning and if not i'm going to get into it
00:00:22.860anyways. And then I thought, well, Joanna, that's what you talk about. You talk about
00:00:30.360the overwhelming tsunami of insanity and terror and hope and chaos that transition brings to your
00:00:43.280life. You know, the last time I felt this, and to this kind of degree, was during a divorce,
00:00:50.340right? A divorce that I was like blindsided by, I had no idea. And, and, and I was sort of
00:00:57.840tumbled into this. Oh God, guys, like for those who don't know the process of divorce and all of
00:01:07.640that happened in December prior to COVID. And then in December and then going into January,
00:01:14.300And then by March, we're in lockdown and I was having to negotiate and figure out how to transition from an 11 year marriage into being single, into being in isolation, the house stuff, the money stuff, the relationship stuff, the being alone stuff, taking care of my mom, my grandma stuff.
00:01:34.400And it was just like, it was so overwhelming. I'm going to tell you this. It was so overwhelming
00:01:40.740that I didn't sleep for like three months. And all I did, all I did, shout out to Shonda Rhimes,
00:01:48.100is watch again and again and again, episodes of Grey's Anatomy from start to finish.
00:01:54.340From start to finish. I would put it on in the day. I would put it on at night. There
00:01:58.700was something about it that soothed my soul. And slowly but surely, I sort of stumbled through it.
00:02:07.680I mean, my friends were amazing. My family was amazing. Therapy. Oh, it's a godsend. And all of
00:02:14.340these things that I went through, and I really thought it might kill me. Like I genuinely thought
00:02:21.460at some point, I'm like, I think I'm going to like, I don't think my body and my mind can like
00:02:27.260make it through all of this. It's just so overwhelming. But then I realized something
00:02:32.140about myself is that part of who I was up until that point was somebody that was constantly
00:02:42.260trying to get in the way to mitigate, to slow down, to control change.
00:02:49.540and, and when it was ripped from my control, when it was, when it was ripped out of my hands
00:02:57.460and I felt like I was free falling, you know, 3000 feet up or whatever.
00:03:03.440And when I didn't hit the ground, guys, it was one of the most magical things I never
00:03:13.820knew I needed and I never knew was going to actually open up worlds, not just worlds
00:03:23.600because I came on TikTok and I started social media and all that.
00:03:38.880i didn't know that i needed something so incredibly seemingly catastrophic at the time
00:03:48.720to happen that i had tried for so long to contain and limit and control and and fix
00:03:56.560and when i finally couldn't hold on to it again not my choice ripped out of you know it's like
00:04:04.380the Rock Eater. You know the Rock Eater from Never Ending Story? I have such big, strong hands
00:04:09.460and they get ripped out of... Anyway, if you don't understand that reference, for the love of God,
00:04:12.920go watch the Never Ending Story. What have you been doing with your life? But when that happened
00:04:17.180and I stood up again, what I realized in that moment, and I just keep realizing it more and
00:04:29.140every day. Transition is brutal, painstaking, arduous, like a nightmare with seemingly no end.
00:04:44.120But change, my friends, change is beautiful. And when I realized the transition wasn't going to
00:04:54.500kill me. I finally woke up to something in myself that I never knew existed. I always thought I was
00:05:01.840a confident person, a good person. I thought that I did well at my job. I thought I was a good friend,
00:05:07.300a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good partner. And what I realized is I might've been
00:05:15.700good, but I wasn't great. And the reason why I wasn't great at those things, at those relationships,
00:05:22.980at life in general. The reason why I wasn't great is because I was so afraid of anything
00:05:29.040changing or shifting or altering in any way, shape, or form. I couldn't exist in the moment
00:05:35.480and therefore I couldn't be great. I couldn't. I couldn't let go of all of the things I wanted
00:05:43.840to control. Um, and, and since I was that person, everything was harder and, and everything about
00:05:53.940me was limited, right? I always kind of wanted to do something a bit bigger, but I never really knew
00:06:00.060what, and I wasn't going to risk this. And what was I going to do over here? Well, how could I
00:06:04.160possibly, I was an in the box kind of girl. And when, you know, I was ripped out of the box,
00:06:11.000the box was crushed and I was thrown out into the wilderness of, I don't know, spheres and
00:06:17.280rhombuses. My metaphors are getting a little shaky. And I already, I had to start looking
00:06:25.060at the world in a different way. I understood how incredibly powerful that was. And as a result,
00:06:34.820how incredibly powerful I could be. You know, um, going through losing my grandma. Fuck. Just
00:06:44.420again, guys, I still, look, I, I will still cry. I will still have moments where I miss her in my
00:06:52.460frigging soul. And then I step back and I say, Joanna, you were trying, you can't limit. That's0.93
00:07:03.540the way life works you can't control it so i gotta let go i have to let it transition and i have to
00:07:09.140i have to let who she is in my heart in my soul in my mind that gets to be forever
00:07:18.740and i have to let go of the notion that unless it was the way it was it doesn't mean anything
00:07:24.500or it doesn't matter it's not powerful because i was wrong i was wrong and the more that i
00:07:33.140step into doing scary things the more that i step into doing plays and coming on here and doing a
00:07:38.580podcast and doing tick tock and lip syncing and buying guitars and playing in the middle of the
00:07:42.580street in oshawa and the more i step outside of who i always thought i was because i was so controlled
00:07:50.260the more i step into who i actually am and so now you guys know this
00:07:57.300faced with my school closing 21 years working at the same place god did i hold on to that
00:08:06.280with both heart hands a big rock and such strong i'm sorry same metaphor never ending story please
00:08:13.960go watch it so not only did i do that and i really held on because there was a lot of points
00:08:20.220at that within that school where i'm like maybe i should go maybe i should do this maybe i should do
00:08:24.820that and and something kept me bound and tied loyalty absolutely i mean wayne was a lovely soul
00:08:32.820my my community at that school what but what really bound me there guys was what had always been
00:08:41.700that's what had always been can be this beautiful beautiful thing guys or it can be
00:08:48.660the the nostalgia or the tie to something familiar isn't necessarily a good thing
00:09:01.420it's so funny because i talk about tradition all the time and i talk about how i don't like
00:09:07.740tradition unless there's real purpose for it but when i'm in it when i'm in the middle of
00:09:12.340the tradition and the tradition makes me feel good and safe and insulated and all bubble wrapped i
00:09:17.200want to let go of that tradition and if that tradition is working in the same place under the
00:09:21.600same structure with the same sense of security for 21 years all of a sudden i'm i'm so embedded
00:09:31.680in the tradition that i'm not even questioning is is this the best we can be so what has to
00:09:37.680happen for joanne i'll tell you what well a talking in the third person which is just annoying
00:09:41.760it has to be the box. I had to be pulled out of the box. The box had been crushed. I had to go
00:09:47.840exist in some rhombuses. And now it happened very, very quickly and very out of the, I don't want to
00:09:55.280say out of the blue, but it's not like I was in a fairy land about how well the school was doing
00:10:02.840economically. I just didn't know exactly where we were. And we get May 1st. You're fired.
00:10:11.920Terminating, obviously. School was closing. Goes out to the kids. And in that moment,
00:10:18.100Ryan and I looked at each other and we got to decide this is over. But then we got to decide,
00:10:26.120what do we do? Do we try to save Metro the way it was? Or do we take everything that we are
00:10:36.900and everything we think we might be able to be, find people to back us who might agree with what
00:10:46.500we envision, who might agree with what our heart is and what our teaching philosophy or educational
00:10:54.480philosophy is and what we've done so far? And are we going to step out and start it?
00:11:05.320Now, some of those decisions were made for us. I'm not going to lie. You know, there would have
00:11:09.020been a safety in, okay, we're just going to take over the school and we're just going to do this
00:11:13.340and that and nothing changes. But there's something beautiful in this transition. And in my opinion,
00:11:23.760There is absolutely something necessary that has to happen right now for Ryan and I and our staff and our students to get to something great.
00:11:40.540And the funny part is, guys, I'm not afraid of it.