Breaking the Boy Code - What About the Boys

00:00:00.000 The subject of masculinity is a topic of conversation these days.

00:00:03.860 You may have heard this term, toxic masculinity.

00:00:06.860 Traditional masculinity.

00:00:08.100 What is now called toxic masculinity.

00:00:10.160 So what is happening to today's young men?

00:00:11.960 They're the patriarchy. They're fine, more than fine.

00:00:14.340 But are they?

00:00:14.780 So there is a shift that is happening.

00:00:16.920 And we specifically want to talk about what it means for young boys.

00:00:20.260 Boys.

00:00:20.600 Boys.

00:00:21.060 Boys.

00:00:21.340 Young boys.

00:00:22.000 What is happening in their world right now?

00:00:24.400 I wanted to raise the question, what's going on with the boys?

00:00:27.420 It was all because I was different

00:00:30.800 That definitely affected me a lot personally

00:00:33.640 Never gone through something like that before

00:00:36.800 And so that was pretty intense

00:00:38.180 It was really painful almost

00:00:41.460 To see my life almost crumbling

00:00:45.240 There's a lot of emotions in the moment

00:00:47.440 You're scared, you're all tense

00:00:49.420 So I had to keep it in

00:00:51.340 Even though I had like tons of things to say

00:00:53.840 That's how I felt

00:00:57.420 My name is Jonathan Reed. You're listening to Breaking the Boy Code.

00:01:16.740 So welcome back to welcome to the start of season two of this podcast. Normally,

00:01:22.460 each episode focuses on the story of a single boy. But for this, I just want to

00:01:27.140 you get the get the season started by talking about yeah talking about the origins of this

00:01:31.660 podcast telling a story maybe um from the past few months to illustrate you know why this kind

00:01:36.620 of conversation matters just looking back you know on where this project began like arguably

00:01:42.740 in March 2018 also the summer of 2017 but as I was thinking about it to some extent this

00:01:50.700 project has its roots in an underweight boy with too many bracelets and long blonde hair.

00:01:59.120 Because if you had asked me as a young person what I thought about gender, about masculinity,

00:02:06.760 about the rules that we get given as boys, I would have had lots to say.

00:02:12.800 But nobody asked me. This kind of conversation was not happening back then.

00:02:20.700 I grew up with a twin sister, and because of that, I had a natural interest in a lot of

00:02:26.460 things that were considered feminine, still are considered feminine, you know,

00:02:30.680 things like playing dress up, playing with Barbies, playing with makeup.

00:02:36.120 I did ballet when I was really little. I grew my hair long, and

00:02:40.740 at a really young age, I was introduced to the fact that there are specific

00:02:46.980 expectations that you've got to match. I'm sure this is nothing new to anybody listening to this

00:02:53.740 podcast, but there are expectations. If you want to be a real boy, if you want to not be made fun

00:02:57.900 of, if you want to not get beat up in school, you've got to be a certain way. So I went to

00:03:05.300 great lengths to hide or to change those parts of who I was. When we played dress up, we would

00:03:14.660 usually get our mom to take a picture and so I have I still do I have this collection of pictures

00:03:19.940 of myself in all kinds of really feminine outfits and I knew exactly which photos I had this is like

00:03:27.320 at age 11 I knew exactly what the photos were I knew exactly where they were because I knew

00:03:30.720 I had to hide them anytime I had friends over for a sleepover or something like that

00:03:35.220 so I made choices about you know who could know what about me and around that same time I started

00:03:42.140 asking myself, how come they get to decide who I can be and how I can express myself? 0.99

00:03:53.180 I was called a fag before I knew what a fag was. 0.98

00:03:58.280 And really, I could talk for as long as you want to listen about my childhood and how 0.98

00:04:03.140 adolescence became a winding path of both resistance and adherence to the rules of masculinity

00:04:08.200 as I explored who I was and how much of myself

00:04:11.400 I could risk in different contexts.

00:04:18.920 I'm recording this on October 31st,

00:04:21.600 and I remember Halloween in grade nine.

00:04:25.100 I wore a princess dress to school,

00:04:27.460 and it was a very intentional statement

00:04:29.280 to say to everybody around me,

00:04:31.280 I'm entering this new school, a big high school

00:04:33.900 with guys that are way bigger than me,

00:04:35.720 and I wanted to say, 0.96

00:04:36.620 calling me fag does not control what I do. But there was still a certain hallway with a lot of 0.98

00:04:43.160 bullies, guys who would hang outside of their lockers and harass me as I walked by so I could

00:04:47.320 pretend to be as proud and as fearless as I wanted. But I didn't go down that hallway.

00:04:57.160 I found my way through adolescence because of the unwavering support of my parents. I really don't

00:05:00.920 have any doubt about that. I had really good friends, but also friends who didn't really

00:05:05.700 know how heavily gender-based harassment weighed on me. And I had some great teachers, but also

00:05:11.620 teachers who were unprepared to intervene on homophobic violence in the classrooms.

00:05:19.020 And I'm now an educator.

00:05:23.120 I work as a head counselor at a summer camp too. And a story from this past summer was,

00:05:29.940 there's more to it, but to make a long story short, I came across a set of books

00:05:35.420 hidden inside a 13 year old boy's backpack. And I don't remember all of the books, but one of them

00:05:40.680 I do was Will Grayson, Will Grayson, which if you don't know, is about two boys falling in love.

00:05:47.040 It's written by David Levithan and John Green. He had a bunch of other John Green's books and

00:05:52.280 you don't work with boys every day and not see the potential for an adolescent questioning their

00:05:58.800 sexuality in a backpack of romance books. You don't have an awareness of the insidious power

00:06:05.600 of homophobia like mine and do nothing about it. So in the end, I wrote him a note and said

00:06:13.900 like something like, this is like, it's, this is for sure. This is a bit of an invasion of

00:06:20.260 your privacy, but I happened to come across these books. Like I want you to know that if you ever

00:06:23.240 want to talk, I've got your back. In the end, he hugged me and said thank you and put the note in

00:06:31.580 a safe place. And that's it. The point isn't whether or not he's gay. Just like the point of

00:06:40.660 me dressing up as a princess when I was 13 wasn't about my sexuality. The point is supporting a boy

00:06:48.140 to be who he is. To say to a young person, I know there are parts of you that are not always safe to

00:06:57.920 show. I know you and I both live in a tightly controlled set of expectations with a violent

00:07:03.600 set of homophobic responses patrolling the perimeter. I know that there are parts of you

00:07:11.600 that are vulnerable, emotional, or questioning.

00:07:17.980 And those parts are valid.

00:07:21.300 You are valid and you are loved.

00:07:26.600 There's a lot of media these days talking about boys,

00:07:29.860 about masculinity, about school violence,

00:07:31.880 and for good reason. 0.99

00:07:33.840 These are important topics.

00:07:35.220 But at the center of what we do as parents and educators

00:07:38.560 is love.

00:07:41.600 over the summer i read michael reichert's new book how to raise a boy and man it was impactful

00:07:50.420 and one of the quotes that i'll share is as follows in families classrooms on athletic

00:07:56.980 fields and in communities those in charge of boyhood have daily opportunities to make a

00:08:01.300 difference for boys boys clamor to be themselves and reliably take advantage of every opportunity

00:08:07.420 that is offered. What has slowed the project of human liberation is not some deficiency of male

00:08:11.900 nature, nor is it boy's appetite for privilege at the expense of others. What converts a naturally

00:08:17.020 empathetic boy to a hard, emotionally distant, and selfish individual is denying him the connections

00:08:22.280 he needs to stay human and accountable. Holding boys in relationships where they are known and

00:08:28.160 loved is the best way to build good men. And that stands out, I mean, he says a bunch of stuff like

00:08:35.540 that and it stood out to me because building relationships with boys is perhaps the purpose

00:08:40.280 of this podcast and the focus of my work through Camp Erewhon and Next Gen Men. I've seen firsthand

00:08:47.240 the impact of committed and authentic relationships. I just wrote an article about looking at boys with

00:08:53.300 capacity and depth because it matters. On Monday I had a lunch program with grade sevens and it

00:09:01.320 takes their lunch and their recess and I walked in the room and another like a bunch of them turned

00:09:06.040 and were like yes it's Monday you're back on Tuesday I had an after-school program we start

00:09:12.520 these programs by sharing our highs and lows of the week and one of the boys started out by saying

00:09:16.260 my high of the week is to be back at next gen men I'm really looking forward to what we're doing

00:09:19.940 today yesterday I got an email from a private school where I did a keynote presentation a few

00:09:25.000 weeks ago where the boys themselves have asked their educators to bring me back for smaller

00:09:28.880 our conversations. Boys are saying, we want change. We want these kinds of conversations

00:09:34.740 about masculinity, about mental health or relationships. We want to be supported by

00:09:39.260 committed educators who spend time with us and help us create a space to explore who we want to be.

00:09:45.980 So as parents and educators and coaches or whatever else focused on patriarchy, focused

00:09:52.700 on gender-based violence, boys, all of that, we're part of something. We are part of something

00:09:58.060 better than what we experienced when we were young.

00:10:02.480 Both for boys themselves and for violence against girls and women.

00:10:09.280 You know, like, during the first season of this podcast,

00:10:11.980 I learned that boys face higher rates of physical violence than girls.

00:10:15.120 But they are also more likely than girls to translate that exposure

00:10:18.300 into violence perpetration.

00:10:19.900 The boys, for example, who participate in gender-based bullying

00:10:22.320 against other boys in middle school

00:10:24.160 are more likely to perpetuate sexual harassment later in adolescence.

00:10:28.720 So this isn't just about boys,

00:10:30.340 and it's not just about the boys that are tougher than others.

00:10:32.540 It's about every single one of us.

00:10:35.520 Like another, yeah, another quote from Michael Reichert who said,

00:10:39.780 There is a systematic mistreatment underlying boyhood,

00:10:43.360 and those of us responsible for its design and maintenance,

00:10:45.580 not boys themselves must fix its flaws.

00:10:48.840 We will find ready partners in boys themselves

00:10:51.040 who have a keen interest in being seen as they are,

00:10:53.540 hearts beating loudly behind the masks they must wear when i first read that quote i remembered an

00:10:59.360 activity that i've done a number of times um i think i've even talked about it where we write

00:11:04.240 what we show on the outside on the outside of the mask and things that we keep to ourselves

00:11:08.020 and keep hidden on the inside of the mask and i actually still have a couple from the spring

00:11:11.480 Um, so like if I read, for example, on the outside, nice guy, happy, act nice, act confident. 0.84

00:11:26.680 And on the inside, I suck, always nervous, can barely do anything, depressed. 0.97

00:11:43.140 On the outside, good kid, don't talk to me, goody two-shoes. 1.00

00:11:50.580 On the inside, feeling ugly, sensitive, fragile.

00:11:56.680 and this brings me to the final point that i want to make which is that boys have got to

00:12:03.720 be part of this too it's not enough to talk about boys we need to talk with them

00:12:10.440 first of all because i've learned so much through this podcast through conversations with boys

00:12:16.500 about how they relate to their friends about stress about hazing because in moments of connection

00:12:22.520 and authentic reflection, boys have more to offer

00:12:25.380 than could ever be captured within a podcast.

00:12:29.700 But more than that, because every single time

00:12:31.860 that we have a conversation like this, we create impact.

00:12:37.380 The impact of saying, I see you, I support you,

00:12:42.760 and I will be part of changing the narrative

00:12:44.720 that we've been given about who we have to be as boys and men.

00:12:49.080 Together, we are breaking the boy code.

00:12:52.520 as i said at the start my name is jonathan reed and this is season two this podcast is supported

00:12:59.260 by next gen men a national leader in engaging with boys and young men a lot of the skills

00:13:03.500 that i've gained and the stories that i carry are through my work with next gen

00:13:07.280 this project is also supported by listeners like you who are a crucial part of making season two

00:13:13.180 a reality if you are able to support even just two dollars per episode please visit patreon.com

00:13:18.200 slash boy podcast you can contact me at breaking the boycott at gmail.com or at boy podcast on

00:13:24.840 social media watch for your boy wearing a mask listen for his heart beating behind him

00:13:48.200 Thank you.

Breaking the Boy Code - November 01, 2019

What About the Boys

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