If Books Could Kill - Steve Harvey's ＂Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man＂

00:00:00.040 Michael. Peter. What do you know about Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man?

00:00:04.520 This is the first time we've ever covered a book that perfectly describes the co-host of this podcast.

00:00:22.280 So Steve Harvey is like a comedian turned radio show personality.

00:00:28.820 The origins of the book are that he was hosting a radio show and women would frequently call in asking for advice about men.

00:00:37.900 And eventually he thought he would compile his philosophy into a book.

00:00:42.220 So this book is specifically targeting women.

00:00:46.660 It's basically a way for women to understand men.

00:00:52.100 Hence the title of the book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

00:00:55.940 How did you find out about this book?

00:00:57.300 I had never heard about this book before you told me you were doing an episode on it.

00:01:00.220 What?

00:01:00.580 No.

00:01:00.940 I read black authors. 0.55

00:01:02.520 That's what's going on. 1.00

00:01:04.720 Where have you come across this in the wild?

00:01:06.680 Steve Harvey is super famous.

00:01:07.800 I know who Steve Harvey is, but like the book.

00:01:11.060 It sold many millions of copies. 1.00

00:01:13.240 And then there was the fucking movie. 0.99

00:01:15.560 I spent a month reading like NBER papers about like men's falling wages. 1.00

00:01:20.020 And you're just like the dumbest dating advice book imaginable. 0.99

00:01:23.600 This could be your life as well, Michael. 1.00

00:01:25.500 if you didn't take yourself so fucking seriously. 0.99

00:01:28.720 I was joking that I needed to do like a dumb dating advice book 0.99

00:01:32.100 when we were recording that episode.

00:01:33.720 And now you're taking this from me.

00:01:35.120 I did try to make this more serious.

00:01:37.140 And I talked to you about this.

00:01:38.180 I was like, I'm going to do like an evolutionary psychology offshoot.

00:01:43.740 And then like, I was several hours deep into the research.

00:01:47.020 And I was like, what am I doing?

00:01:48.900 Steve Harvey doesn't even believe in evolution.

00:01:51.120 And I'm doing evolutionary psychology research.

00:01:53.700 What's happening to me?

00:01:54.600 This is what I should have done on page like 87 of my notes for of boys and men. 1.00

00:02:00.440 I should have just we should have just dunked on the stupid parts. 0.99

00:02:02.680 The big theme of this book, broadly speaking, is that men have certain traits and women 0.99

00:02:08.900 should learn to adapt to those traits.

00:02:11.180 Gender essentialism in my dating advice. 1.00

00:02:14.000 And a couple of caveats right up top. 0.70

00:02:15.640 When Steve says men, he means straight men.

00:02:18.280 Yeah.

00:02:18.440 If he wants to talk about gay men, he will do so explicitly and it will be homophobic. 0.98

00:02:23.920 I'm just like, I'm really excited for those parts.

00:02:26.680 He writes this in 2009.

00:02:28.580 So he knows you can't be like, ugh, gross.

00:02:32.360 But you can also tell he doesn't quite like it. 0.98

00:02:35.100 Another thing is that a lot of Steve's audience is black women.

00:02:39.280 And so some of the advice is about dynamics faced by black women specifically.

00:02:45.940 Which you'll be describing in detail, which you want to just go into. 0.99

00:02:48.080 I know that you told me you don't want to talk about race shit. 0.99

00:02:50.840 That's what you told me. 1.00

00:02:51.900 Fuck off. 1.00

00:02:52.380 Fuck off. 1.00

00:02:53.320 I'm cutting every single time you do this. 1.00

00:02:55.300 It's like a running joke for you.

00:02:57.380 Last episode, I had to cut out a thing where you were saying like, Mike, you're always

00:03:00.160 complaining about nurses making too much money.

00:03:02.500 I was like, it's not worth it.

00:03:03.920 It's not worth keeping it.

00:03:04.240 Oh my God, I forgot that you cut that great joke. 1.00

00:03:06.180 God damn it. 1.00

00:03:07.640 No. 0.99

00:03:08.040 I think the best way to start off here will be to send you a bit.

00:03:13.040 This is sort of Steve's overview of men.

00:03:16.940 He says, there's no truer statement.

00:03:19.520 Men are simple.

00:03:20.160 Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us in this book will begin to fall into place.

00:03:25.360 Once you get that down, you'll have to understand a few essential truths.

00:03:28.900 Men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make.

00:03:32.800 And until he's achieved his goal in those three areas, the man you're dating, committed to, or married to will be too busy to focus on you.

00:03:40.580 Right off the bat, he's saying that for men, women are like an ancillary priority, right?

00:03:45.900 Lower your expectations, ladies. 1.00

00:03:47.320 You are the least important thing in his life. 1.00

00:03:50.160 Finding a partner is not one of these priorities for men, not one of our top three priorities.

00:03:56.180 So to accept the premise of this book, you need to accept that this is what drives men, who they are, what they do and how much they make. 0.95

00:04:05.540 I just realized I'm going to be so insufferable throughout this whole episode because I just read all this boys and men shit for the Reeves episode. 0.62

00:04:11.700 The thing that he's doing here is he's enforcing an idea of masculinity, right? 0.97

00:04:17.200 That like what men really want is to like climb to the top of the mountain in their careers and they're not interested in women.

00:04:22.480 But that's not true.

00:04:24.060 In some public surveys, men are more likely to indicate a desire for a romantic relationship than women.

00:04:29.500 So this is just him making up a masculinity norm basically.

00:04:32.080 It's not just that. Later in the book, he says expressly, if it weren't for women, men wouldn't like keep a nice house, wouldn't have their lives together or whatever. And then it's like, wait, but you just said that they don't care. He never really squares these circles. He's just sort of rambling. Yeah. A very important thing to understand is that in the universe of this book, the man is like a passive creature. What he wants and what he does is ordained by nature and God. Women are the ones with agency.

00:05:01.100 Oh, it's like Republicans and Democrats. 1.00

00:05:02.960 It's a lot like that.

00:05:03.940 On the New York Times opinion page. 1.00

00:05:05.000 So every issue that a woman has is sort of like necessarily her own problem. 1.00

00:05:10.300 Yeah. 0.98

00:05:10.580 But the men in her life are on a preset path.

00:05:13.560 And it's on her to adapt to them and move around them.

00:05:18.580 Right.

00:05:19.000 Steve says he can't sit around talking with you or dream about marriage and family if his mind is on how to make money, how to get a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be for you.

00:05:31.100 So he's sort of saying that like men are trying to do these things at all times and what women need to do is sort of understand that they are secondary in that sense. 0.53

00:05:42.700 Yeah.

00:05:42.880 His hero's journey is amassing wealth and power and your hero's journey is accepting that he likes those things more than he likes you.

00:05:49.720 Right.

00:05:50.340 And he talks very expressly about that. 0.64

00:05:53.020 He'll say like women want to change a man, but you can't.

00:05:55.860 You can't change a man. 0.85

00:05:57.000 Yeah. He says that a man's love comes through professing, protecting and providing. When he

00:06:04.400 says professing, I assumed he meant like the man will profess his love to you. But he actually

00:06:09.260 means that when a man loves you, he will profess it to other people. Oh, what? Dude, I made when

00:06:15.720 we were reading that whole chapter in Richard Rieger's book about like people you overuse

00:06:19.260 toxic masculinity and stuff. I sort of like made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to like

00:06:22.740 make jokes about straight people anymore and dudes but like this episode feels like a test 0.93

00:06:28.660 i just want to say are the straights okay over and over again this is so bizarre all right i just

00:06:35.820 sent you his bit on professing a man who professes you as his own is also saying in not so many words

00:06:41.560 that he's claiming you that you are his now he's put everyone on notice any man who hears another

00:06:46.720 man say this is my lady knows that whatever games tricks plans schemes he may have had in mind for

00:06:51.800 the pretty sexy lady standing in front of him need to be shelved until the next single woman 1.00

00:06:56.060 comes in the room. Because another man has professed out loud that this one is mine and 1.00

00:07:00.300 she's not available for anything you were plotting and planning. I don't get it. What is he saying?

00:07:04.820 Now, you don't get this because gay people don't have monogamous relationships. But let me explain

00:07:09.020 this. Give it to me in polycule. He's saying that professing your love is actually just like

00:07:14.980 claiming ownership to other people, sort of, right? So like, this is my lady, so you can't

00:07:20.800 hit on her okay the other side of that is like he says when a guy introduces you to people as his

00:07:25.520 friend or something similar it means that he thinks it's less serious which i actually think

00:07:31.060 maybe gets points for being probably generally true but you know the whole premise here is that

00:07:36.920 when a guy sort of claims you publicly announces that uh you're his lady publicly that that is sort

00:07:45.300 of how he professes his love but then not to you personally emotionally connecting with

00:07:50.680 a woman personally is completely unrelated to how a man expresses his love fellas is it gay to tell 1.00

00:07:56.560 a girl that you like her yes it is that's it's just so fucking stupid i whatever okay the thing 0.99

00:08:02.500 about this book is that we actually have to keep going because we're on like page 25 how long is 0.99

00:08:08.240 it how long did it take you to get through it uh it's like 200 and change pages it okay it's a it's

00:08:11.980 a quick read especially merciful merciful there are some chapters that you can eyeball and be like

00:08:17.620 i don't need to be paying attention yeah this chapter it's again professing providing and

00:08:23.480 protecting he says about providing simply put a man who loves you will bring that money home to

00:08:29.920 make sure that you and the kids have what you all need oh know this it is your right to expect that

00:08:35.780 a man will pay for your dinner your movie ticket your club entry fee or whatever else he has to

00:08:40.500 pay for in exchange for your time love is transactional this is sort of so far i actually

00:08:46.100 think we're in sort of like pretty generic misogynistic dynamics territory where you have

00:08:52.400 like public demonstrations of ownership over a woman in some way. And then you have like pay for

00:08:58.260 stuff. Sure. Right. This is just this is just sexism 101. Right. To his credit, this does

00:09:03.740 recreate the feeling of listening to an asinine like morning zoo talk radio show, which it seems 0.97

00:09:08.360 like is what this came out of. So kudos to him for having a clear authorial voice. Now we get to

00:09:13.980 protect and this is one of my favorite passages from the book i'm gonna send you something he

00:09:19.840 says when a man truly loves you anybody who says does suggest or even thinks about doing something

00:09:25.680 offensive to you stands the risk of being obliterated your man will destroy anything

00:09:30.520 and everything in his path to make sure that whoever disrespected you pays for it this is

00:09:35.340 his nature i like it when straight people reflect my most heterophobic beliefs back to me all straight

00:09:40.520 men are basically cavemen. Yes, Steve, tell me more. I'm sending you another bit. I'd argue that

00:09:45.820 this is most certainly one of the key things any woman wants in her man, because it is what girls

00:09:50.220 have been raised to expect, that they can count on the most important men in their lives to go

00:09:53.980 to battle for them and keep them safe from all harm, no matter the cost. I think you all know

00:09:58.880 this so well that you take great care in letting a man who loves you know that someone's been a

00:10:03.740 threat or danger to you because you know that your man, whether he be father, brother, uncle,

00:10:08.360 husband, or lover is going to do everything in his power and then some to defend your honor.

00:10:14.040 Maybe even hurt somebody despite the consequences. For instance, you probably don't really want to

00:10:19.060 hype what's been going on down at your job because he might head down to the job and have a few words

00:10:23.640 with your boss if necessary. And we all know that would not be a good situation. Yeah, it really

00:10:28.960 feels like he's just sitting down and typing and then like not reading it. Dude, I love this passage

00:10:33.280 so much because he starts off by saying what women want in a man is for them to protect her.

00:10:40.300 And then he immediately says that women can't even talk about their boss because it might drive

00:10:44.400 their man to physical violence. A real man literally cannot handle hearing about your day

00:10:49.720 because he will become murderous. He will actually go to prison if he finds out that your boss was

00:10:55.660 rude to you. I also love that he's like, he's like, men just care so much about women. And

00:10:59.860 And that's why women are deceptive. 1.00

00:11:01.500 That's why women don't talk about things because they know their man cares about them too much. 1.00

00:11:05.640 She doesn't want to talk about her day. 0.95

00:11:07.180 I have so many thoughts on this because like this is like how faux alpha dudes talk about like protecting women but are actually just like lashing out out of like possessiveness and insecurity.

00:11:18.260 Right.

00:11:18.420 Like I'm protecting my family.

00:11:20.120 Like, no, you're having a mental breakdown and putting everyone in danger.

00:11:23.820 I was just seeing some discussion of this online because of like the Trump Vance Zelensky stuff where what our society seems to believe is masculinity is actually just acting like an angry baby in a lot of ways.

00:11:42.240 Right. Like not being in control of your emotions, but lacking control over your emotions and lashing out in a way that makes other people uncomfortable.

00:11:51.280 Because your ability to make other people uncomfortable is like that's where the masculinity comes from.

00:11:57.160 As if it's being a good boyfriend when your girlfriend comes home and she's like, I had a tough day at work. 0.99

00:12:01.580 And you're like, give me the fucking address. I'm going to go beat up your boss. 1.00

00:12:04.480 Like that's psychotic. 0.99

00:12:05.780 That's how men express their love. 1.00

00:12:07.280 Like, oh, my boss is a dick. And you're like, what the fuck did he say? 1.00

00:12:10.320 What the fuck did you say? 1.00

00:12:11.740 I'm going down there. 1.00

00:12:13.280 All right.

00:12:13.900 So he gives an example of his protective instinct and how it's manifested in the real world.

00:12:19.340 He says, my wife, Marjorie, still cracks up when she thinks about how I protected her

00:12:24.580 on a recent joint fishing and diving trip we took in Maui.

00:12:27.960 See, my wife is a certified scuba diver.

00:12:30.280 I am not.

00:12:31.200 When we got out on those choppy waters of the Pacific Ocean, I couldn't help but feel

00:12:35.060 like something was going to happen to my wife down there and I wouldn't have any way of

00:12:38.760 protecting her.

00:12:39.400 Oh, is he going to beat up a fish?

00:12:41.420 Men will fight sea turtles before going to therapy?

00:12:44.240 I can't tell these jokes anymore.

00:12:45.900 All right, this is long, but I promise you it's worth it.

00:12:48.220 Okay.

00:12:48.840 By the time she was actually under the water, I told my security guy who can't scuba dive

00:12:52.980 to put on his snorkel and get in and keep an eye on her. 0.92

00:12:56.060 I'd also told everyone on board, from my manager to the captain, that if my wife is not back 0.99

00:13:00.480 up here in 35 minutes, everyone's putting on some suits and we're going to go get her.

00:13:04.460 The guy leading the expedition said as nicely as he could,

00:13:07.080 sir, everyone can't go down to save one person. But his words meant nothing to me. I'm telling

00:13:12.800 you, I said, getting a little more jumpy with each word, either everybody goes down there to 0.84

00:13:16.900 save her or I'm killing everybody on the boat. This boat goes nowhere without her. And if it

00:13:21.740 pulls off and she's not on it, that's it for everybody. My wife must have sensed something

00:13:26.200 was up because suddenly she was back above water. She knew that I was acting up. And rather than

00:13:31.100 dive, she returned to the boat because she knew how nervous I was about the whole idea of her

00:13:35.700 submerged underwater where I couldn't act on my natural instincts to protect her. She figured it

00:13:40.720 was better to sit that dive out. She understands that primal need I have to make sure nothing bad

00:13:46.120 happens to her. Marjorie is a pretty adventurous girl, but she's cut out a lot of that stuff,

00:13:50.400 the diving and parasailing and such for that very reason. Oh my God, I ruined my wife's hobby. 1.00

00:13:56.600 This is what protecting your wife is all about, baby. This is what masculinity is, becoming 0.77

00:14:01.520 completely overwhelmed by your irrational fears threatening strangers with violence and forcing

00:14:07.340 your wife to stop doing the things that she loves he's like worried about his wife but he doesn't 1.00

00:14:11.680 know how to express that other than violence right he's like i'll fucking murder you if you don't go 0.99

00:14:15.760 down in this hypothetical situation where she's in trouble and not everybody goes and rescues her 0.98

00:14:20.220 right in a a situation where he feels anxious because he lacks control yeah he is like i'll

00:14:27.200 kill everyone on the boat and he's like i'll put that in my book this is a good example of how i

00:14:31.800 love my wife a good amount of the book is like this where the basic premise is like men are 0.85

00:14:37.400 sensitive insane little babies and as a woman your responsibility is to cater to that because

00:14:43.960 them fixing themselves is completely out of the question the idea that like you having a meltdown

00:14:48.800 because your wife is scuba diving actually might be your problem rather than hers is like not even

00:14:55.600 given a brief moment of thought you're actually being brave and cool yeah yeah yeah and also using

00:15:00.280 your tyrannical power as like a rich guy with staff right to be like you need to go down there

00:15:04.580 and save her because like i can't even scuba dive and he's like get in there i i love i love the

00:15:10.260 world where she doesn't come up steve kills everyone on the boat and then like she she 0.53

00:15:14.740 surfaces perfectly fine an hour later and he's like i killed everyone i killed everyone marjorie 0.63

00:15:20.160 we're now we're actually stranded at sea do you guys know what a good husband i am my wife doesn't 0.99

00:15:24.400 do shit. She used to be in a book club. She used to go jogging. She doesn't do any of that stuff 1.00

00:15:29.160 anymore because I love her so much. It's very funny, by the way, that like there's a really

00:15:32.960 common sexist sort of like talking point that's like women don't have real hobbies, right? They 0.82

00:15:37.560 just like socialize and stuff. I have never heard this. Are you getting this from your TikTok

00:15:41.660 algorithm? All right, cut this. Your recipes and misogyny TikTok algorithm. Maybe you're not

00:15:47.920 talking to enough straight men. But I actually, with this story in particular, I wonder whether

00:15:53.020 some part of his subconscious is embarrassed by this situation and so we had to like create a

00:15:57.480 framework where it's like this is actually a virtue of mine i'm not saying i'm a protector

00:16:02.820 damn your wife still has hobbies and yet you call yourself a man this is how these guys who

00:16:07.920 otherwise in many cases actually defy our stereotypical understandings of masculinity 1.00

00:16:12.500 like trump get cast as like tough right right because if you're a guy just being belligerent

00:16:18.500 can be framed as a virtue right all right the next chapter is called the three things every man

00:16:25.460 needs the three things are your support your loyalty and the cookie which is unfortunately

00:16:33.100 what steve harvey called sex throughout this book this chapter isn't very interesting but it does

00:16:39.340 contain one of the more offensive passages in the book which i'm going to read to you because i

00:16:44.180 thought it would be a little rude to make you say okay okay he says i've said over and over again

00:16:51.420 jokingly that the only way a woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four 1.00

00:16:56.420 different men an old one an ugly one a mandingo and a gay guy oh my fucking god please don't 1.00

00:17:04.320 elaborate peter please don't tell me more about this fucking thing all right next chapter 1.00

00:17:09.100 what the fuck the idea is that the old man will sit around the house with her and spend his money 0.99

00:17:16.540 on her the ugly one will go above and beyond to help out because he's just grateful to be with 1.00

00:17:21.560 you the mandingo of course is an antiquated racialized term for a himbo yeah uh he's for 1.00

00:17:27.380 sex and aesthetics and then the gay guy is for shopping and gossip oh my fucking god 0.99

00:17:32.520 but then this is just people having different aspects of their personality this is like people 1.00

00:17:41.780 on their dating profiles who will be like what i'm looking for someone who can be funny one

00:17:45.900 minute and serious the next it's like that's just people that's yeah that's why everyone that's why

00:17:51.460 every girl's dating profile is like i just want a guy who'll be old one minute and ugly the next

00:17:56.760 and then gay the stuff in this chapter about like support and loyalty from women is relatively

00:18:04.080 inoffensive by steve harvey standards i thought that was gonna be a bunch of jealousy stuff like

00:18:08.140 you can't trust her i mean he basically is just like loyalty is when you don't cheat it's like

00:18:12.600 well yeah yeah that's sure the sex portion is weird mostly because steve can't bring himself

00:18:18.860 to be like men like sex so he ends up saying this he says i'll read it he says we need to be

00:18:27.420 physically engaged with the woman we love the woman who is loyal to us and supports us and the

00:18:31.740 way we do that is by making love the emotional stuff the talking the cuddling the holding hands

00:18:36.540 and bonding that's y'all's thing we'll do those things because we know it's important to you but 0.85

00:18:41.200 please understand the way we men connect is by having sex this is again fake men love cuddling 0.99

00:18:47.400 a that's objectively the best part b men want this shit like men want intimacy like expressed 0.89

00:18:53.960 through sex and also other things like this is just fake this is like a fake standard for men 0.99

00:18:57.760 to live up to no no you're wrong you don't why are men constantly being fucking lied to by other

00:19:02.240 men dude one of the most common themes throughout this book and we're going to like circle back to 0.89

00:19:05.920 it repeatedly is that he thinks talking is for women and that men do not like to talk

00:19:10.280 and further that men should not be expected to talk to their significant other very much

00:19:15.560 there's a whole chapter about how men hate it when you say we need to talk well yeah well here's the

00:19:21.140 thing at first you're like oh was he talking about that exact phrase because then like fair enough 0.99

00:19:25.560 but then he actually just complains about talking to women the entire chapter what the fuck this is 0.92

00:19:31.580 again every single one of these advice books is like an accidental biography right because he's 0.98

00:19:34.980 just describing his own relationship like he doesn't really like hanging out with his wife

00:19:39.360 and chatting that's the whole point of a relationship surely i would say that half of

00:19:43.980 this book is like oh i was the host of a radio show and i have some wisdom i want to compile

00:19:50.320 the other half is like a response to my wives why do men have to constantly be reminded that

00:19:55.700 you should date people you like i honestly think this is true i don't think steve harvey likes

00:19:59.500 anyone i think it was i can't remember who said this but one one of the things i read about this

00:20:04.780 book was that the only like redeeming thing about steve harvey's misogyny is that he actually seems

00:20:11.800 to hate men just as much

00:20:13.080 if you look closely. 1.00

00:20:15.680 We send you this bitch. 1.00

00:20:17.500 No man wants to sit around 1.00

00:20:18.760 gabbing with you 0.89

00:20:19.620 like we're one of your girlfriends.

00:20:21.580 Ever.

00:20:22.560 It's just not in our DNA

00:20:23.980 to lounge around,

00:20:25.420 sip coffee,

00:20:26.160 and dab at our eyes with tissue

00:20:28.000 as if we're in an AA meeting

00:20:30.160 or on some psychologist couch

00:20:32.080 trying to get things off our chest.

00:20:33.880 When men are talking,

00:20:34.900 and especially when they're listening,

00:20:36.720 it's with purpose. 0.99

00:20:38.420 Yes, we hate you.

00:20:39.600 It's crazy what people will do 0.99

00:20:41.740 to rationalize their flaws away like all right dude you're emotionally unavailable and do not

00:20:47.320 enjoy the company of your partner yeah you don't have to do a whole thing where it's like when i

00:20:53.160 speak it's with purpose if you hate talking to this person just like get a fleshlight you don't

00:20:57.600 have to embarrass yourself like this man go go listen to the conversations happening between men

00:21:03.620 playing video games yeah and tell me that they're all speaking with purpose dude what are you 0.99

00:21:08.800 talking about what are you talking about you you host a fucking talk radio show you're like oh don't 0.98

00:21:14.320 talk i'm gonna sit around gabbing right you literally talk for a living man this isn't like 0.99

00:21:19.240 when i i am hosting family feud where i speak with purpose all right here's more he says we hate

00:21:27.260 gossiping but we know we can't stop it it's an invasion of privacy and a man is pretty confident

00:21:32.320 that if you and your friends are willing to talk about other people together then your friends are

00:21:36.080 probably talking about you and him too. Keep that in mind next time you start getting all into other

00:21:41.180 people's business. This seems like an expression of paranoia that his wife is talking about him

00:21:46.900 with other people, which is fine. I don't really, I don't know that that's his concern. I honestly

00:21:50.800 just think he hates it when women are talking. You think this is more about listening rather

00:21:54.460 than having someone talking about him? 100%. And it's offensive. It's offensive to say that men

00:21:58.300 hate gossiping. This is offensive to all the boys who like to talk a little shit. You are real and 1.00

00:22:03.180 you are valid and you're still a man. That's what I say. And also don't go scuba diving or parasailing

00:22:07.840 because it stresses me out. But also don't sit next to me. I don't want you doing something

00:22:11.180 adventurous, but I also don't want you talking to me. And if you ask me to go shopping, I'm not

00:22:17.360 fucking gay. No, I'm not gay. Think again, buddy. All right. I'm sending you I'm sending you an 0.99

00:22:23.140 example of Steve almost getting woke. And this happens more than once. Communicating, nurturing,

00:22:28.640 listening to problems and trying to understand them without any obligation to fix them is simply

00:22:32.620 not what boys are raised to do. That's true, but bad. We don't let them cry. We don't ask them how

00:22:38.060 they feel about anything. And we don't encourage them to express themselves in any meaningful way

00:22:42.160 beyond showing how manly they are. Let a little boy fall off his bike and scrape his knee. See

00:22:46.680 how fast everyone tells him to get up and shake it off and stop all that doggone crying. Be a man,

00:22:51.960 we demand. There's no discussion about how he felt when he hit the ground. Nobody's asking him

00:22:56.460 to talk about whether he's too scared to get back on the bike and try again. Now that he's grown

00:23:00.600 and in a relationship, you expect that same boy who was told to keep quiet and keep it moving

00:23:05.100 to be a man who can sit and listen and communicate and nurture? I'm telling you now,

00:23:09.900 your expectations are off. Yeah, this is, this could be like a critical studies journal.

00:23:16.460 He's like, yeah, we, you know, we're socialized in this real, in this way that closes off our

00:23:21.200 emotions. And rather than being like, you know, it's something we have to work on. It's something

00:23:26.460 You need to understand. 0.99

00:23:27.800 He's like, so don't fucking try to communicate with us. 0.97

00:23:30.560 Yeah, exactly. 0.98

00:23:31.100 So don't talk.

00:23:32.220 Like trying to address the underlying problem isn't isn't part of what he's discussing here.

00:23:37.140 I'm also I'm so I'm so fascinated by this thing where kind of like right coded, conservative 0.78

00:23:42.580 coded people will freely admit that like liberals, SJWs, feminists are correct. 1.00

00:23:48.700 Right. 1.00

00:23:48.900 But then fail to reach the conclusion. 0.92

00:23:50.440 So like when I was reading all this men's rights activism garbage for the Boys and Men 0.62

00:23:54.240 episode. In those tracks, they will say like male suicide rates are higher because masculinity norms

00:23:59.700 mean we cannot ask for help, dot, dot, dot. And that's why feminism is a cancer. And you're like, 1.00

00:24:05.160 wait, you're, this is what feminists have been saying all along. This is what the left has been 1.00

00:24:08.160 saying. And you're just saying they're correct. Because they believe that that is natural and

00:24:11.980 the output of like natural hierarchies, et cetera, and things that are ultimately good. So like

00:24:16.560 the fact that men are tough like this in Steve Harvey's mind is actually probably a good thing

00:24:24.000 at the end of the day.

00:24:25.420 And so the problem isn't necessarily

00:24:27.020 that men are socialized not to communicate. 0.92

00:24:28.960 The problem is that women expect men to communicate. 1.00

00:24:32.220 Right. 1.00

00:24:32.460 Right.

00:24:32.940 He gets so close.

00:24:34.480 But also he's encouraging this.

00:24:36.100 He's reinforcing this.

00:24:37.340 Right. 1.00

00:24:37.740 While he's also acknowledging that it's garbage. 0.99

00:24:39.720 There's another point where he's talking about 0.98

00:24:41.020 needing support, by which he means like

00:24:42.740 verbal encouragement from your partner.

00:24:45.440 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:24:45.760 That's so stupid that he doesn't even know 1.00

00:24:47.380 that we each have different love languages. 1.00

00:24:49.360 Not everyone needs affirmation.

00:24:51.980 He's talking about why men need this.

00:24:54.000 And he says, he might have a job where three people can walk by his desk and give him a

00:24:57.820 pink slip at any moment, change his life in the flash of an eye.

00:25:00.720 The guy in the position beneath your man may just be searching for a way to undermine him

00:25:04.900 so he can get the bigger pay.

00:25:06.700 Your man could be driving down the street, minding his own business and get pulled over

00:25:09.680 and something could happen that he has no control over or someone may try to come and

00:25:12.980 take what he's got.

00:25:13.660 Yeah, again, men don't have a lot of control in their lives and oftentimes they lash out.

00:25:18.440 Right.

00:25:18.620 He's talking about all of these structural pressures and like how they create this need

00:25:22.340 to assert control where you can. Yeah. Right. And, and to, and to be validated for what they

00:25:27.060 have. Right. So true. I know it's like he gets it, but he just won't conclude anything from it.

00:25:32.740 The only lesson he takes from it is that because of all these institutional pressures,

00:25:38.360 women have to be really nice to us. Like that's, that's what he takes away from it.

00:25:43.340 That's what he's, it's an appeal to sympathy for his own bad behavior. It's not

00:25:47.760 a call to like change any of these things okay so the next chapter is called sports fish versus

00:25:53.620 keepers what this is a fishing analogy where women are the fish okay and uh the basic premise

00:25:59.900 is that depending on how a woman acts a man will either treat her like a sport fish meaning one

00:26:04.620 you throw back or a keeper which is one you keep and also you kill and eat which i think is where

00:26:10.500 the metaphor falls apart a little bit so here's what he says about the sport fish which again is

00:26:18.760 a human being that he's we're already the original set of this is the metaphor at all 0.99

00:26:24.960 also i like how he makes it seem like he's a fisherman this is a man who had a fucking 0.94

00:26:29.160 meltdown on a boat when his wife went underwater so he says the sport fish doesn't have any rules 0.96

00:26:36.580 requirements, respect for herself or guidelines, and we men can pick up her scent a mile away. 0.54

00:26:42.480 She's the party girl who takes a sip of her Long Island iced tea or a shot of her Patron, 1.00

00:26:47.660 then announces to her suitor that she just wants to date and see how it goes. She has no plans for

00:26:52.460 any ongoing relationships, is not expecting anything in particular from a man, and sets

00:26:56.920 absolutely not nary one condition or restriction on anyone standing before her. She makes it very

00:27:02.440 clear that she's just along for whatever is getting ready to happen for sure as soon as 0.98

00:27:06.940 she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her like any old what on earth it

00:27:12.220 feels like he like dictated this into like voice memos or something these are not like real sentences

00:27:16.000 there's a little bit of aave which i'm enjoying watching you work through for sure as soon as

00:27:23.380 she lets a man know through words and action that he can treat her just any old kind of way

00:27:27.880 He will do just that.

00:27:29.520 Okay.

00:27:29.760 Now, the Keeper...

00:27:31.380 Just say Madonna Horror Complex.

00:27:32.980 This is taking forever.

00:27:34.600 It's so simple.

00:27:35.780 It's so funny.

00:27:36.860 Okay.

00:27:37.240 So he says,

00:27:38.300 The Keeper never gives in easily, and the standards slash requirements start the moment

00:27:43.240 you open your mouth. 1.00

00:27:44.580 See, she understands her power and wields it like a samurai sword.

00:27:48.340 She commands, not demands, respect just by the way she carries herself.

00:27:52.380 You can walk up to her and give her your best game, and while she may be impressed by what

00:27:56.100 you say, that's no guarantee that she's going to let the conversation go any further, much

00:28:00.280 less give you her phone number and agree to give you some of her valuable time.

00:28:03.480 Men automatically know from the moment she opens her mouth that if they want her, they'll 1.00

00:28:07.060 have to get in line with her standards and requirements or keep it moving because she's 1.00

00:28:10.900 done with the games and isn't interested in playing. 0.98

00:28:13.480 Yeah.

00:28:13.780 This is just like someone who rejects your advances versus someone who accepts them.

00:28:17.940 It's someone who puts requirements out there.

00:28:20.740 This is – we're sort of segueing into Steve's most consistent piece of good advice, which is only good in the general sense, that like you should be establishing requirements for your partner, communicating them clearly, and enforcing those boundaries, right?

00:28:36.460 The problem is that the requirements that Steve thinks you should have are pretty antiquated stuff.

00:28:41.780 Yeah. 0.98

00:28:41.920 The basic dichotomy here is like, so ladies, are you going to be a keeper or a whore? 1.00

00:28:47.320 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:28:47.840 A patron drinking whore. 1.00

00:28:50.740 this is also this fucked up thing it's like men want sex obviously that's like part of his whole 1.00

00:28:55.340 point but then also if a woman wants sex right this feels like it's just like a woman who will 0.99

00:28:59.200 sleep with you on the first date but like bro you're you're enforcing a norm where you're gonna 0.94

00:29:03.320 get laid less you should be wanting women to have sex with dudes you'll get more sex it's like why 0.99

00:29:08.520 are you doing this to yourself right but he's a he's a good guy that deserves it so it's different 0.98

00:29:12.820 i really struggle with this sort of stuff not only because it's run through with misogyny but

00:29:18.500 like because the first chick has like a guy who likes women is just so much more appealing to me 0.95

00:29:23.380 like which one of the women do i want i'll take the one who sounds cool i'll take the one i'll 0.99

00:29:29.480 take the one who sounds fun as hell dude yeah do you want to have sex with people who are bad at 1.00

00:29:33.760 sex i don't understand why straight men are constantly doing this bizarre body count shit 1.00

00:29:38.260 when it's like yeah people who are good at sex have probably had sex before and then you have 1.00

00:29:41.800 good sex with them this is offensive to people who love sluts i'm a big fan i'm a big fan of 0.99

00:29:47.440 sluts men and women go for the horny sluts find them absolutely just sniff patron like sniff and 1.00

00:29:52.520 scurry running through the nose just smell for patron on the breath of a woman keep a condom 1.00

00:29:57.020 around your neck like the like the way they do the shoes that joke is not that joke can't make

00:30:09.400 the final cut but i do believe it's funny that was for us that was for us that was for us

00:30:15.320 So, again, Steve is advocating for women to set standards for the men that they date, communicate those standards, abide by those standards.

00:30:25.380 All good in theory.

00:30:26.960 One standard he advocates for the most, which he dedicates a whole chapter to, is called the 90-day rule.

00:30:33.680 Oh, is this a sex thing?

00:30:35.060 Wait 90 days before having sex.

00:30:38.020 Bro, why?

00:30:39.820 Why are men doing this to themselves?

00:30:42.100 He's not doing this.

00:30:42.920 it's important to understand that he's talking about other women with other men you know in his

00:30:47.600 mind i guess yeah in his mind this is about women debasing themselves with other men if you started

00:30:53.320 dating steve harvey i guarantee you he's gonna want to have sex before 90 days i'm gonna send

00:30:59.880 you something he says think about it the first guy you slept with quicker than 90 days where is he

00:31:05.700 i'm willing to bet you're probably not with him true there are some people out there somewhere

00:31:10.300 who had sex early in their relationship

00:31:11.740 and are still together to this very day,

00:31:13.980 but that's rare.

00:31:15.280 Gay people exist, Steve. 0.99

00:31:17.420 We have sex first and then we're like, 0.99

00:31:19.200 hi, I'm Mike. 0.99

00:31:20.040 90% of gay couples met at a gangbang, Steve. 1.00

00:31:23.760 I don't even understand this gotcha. 1.00

00:31:25.700 Like bet you're not with the first guy

00:31:27.120 you slept with in less than 90 days.

00:31:28.840 No one's with the first person they slept with.

00:31:29.820 What are you talking about?

00:31:30.680 No.

00:31:31.600 By the way, the first person I waited

00:31:33.400 for more than 90 days with

00:31:35.220 was like my second girlfriend or something.

00:31:37.500 I'm not with her either.

00:31:38.500 I don't know what.

00:31:39.340 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:40.000 He compares this to one of his first jobs working for Ford Motor Company.

00:31:43.900 He says that benefits kicked in at the 90-day mark.

00:31:47.380 That's not the same thing at all.

00:31:49.160 He says, so if Ford won't give a man benefits until he's been on the job and proven himself,

00:31:53.660 why, ladies, are you passing out benefits to men before they've proven themselves worthy? 0.81

00:31:57.980 I mean, you have to work 10 years to get Social Security. 0.90

00:32:00.160 So why not just make it 10 years? 0.94

00:32:01.820 If we're doing dumb metaphors.

00:32:04.340 Your Social Security benefits don't vest until the age of 67, folks. 1.00

00:32:08.860 That is when you should fuck. 1.00

00:32:10.000 But if your advice is sort of like, hey, a lot of guys will pretend to be interested in a relationship, but they really just want sex. 0.99

00:32:15.700 So you can like weed them out by waiting a bit.

00:32:18.340 Whatever.

00:32:18.860 Fine.

00:32:19.240 I mean, sure.

00:32:19.580 Whatever. 1.00

00:32:19.960 Also, you can have sex with those guys and it's fine. 0.98

00:32:21.720 That's the thing is like the thing about that is that Steve Harvey, again, truly believes that when a woman sleeps with a dude, she's like giving up her virtue. 0.98

00:32:29.940 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:30.460 You've lost something.

00:32:31.400 And so if it turns out that it was just casual, then she's living in shame.

00:32:34.720 Now she like her whole family has been has been embarrassed by her actions or whatever.

00:32:39.360 he says and you in the meantime in the in the 90-day period he means win the ultimate prize

00:32:45.860 of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem and earning the respect of the man who recognized

00:32:50.600 that you were worth the wait this is like biblical morality this is from like a thousand years ago 0.94

00:32:54.840 she got free sex steve she had sex sex is fun no you wouldn't want to sacrifice your dignity by 1.00

00:33:00.360 having sex at the 70 game you fucking slut why are people doing this to themselves 1.00

00:33:05.980 this is crazy dude no here's the thing is no one is doing no it's just nothing it's enforcing a 1.00

00:33:12.580 norm to scold people for not doing it but like no one is actually going to do this and he must know

00:33:17.960 that 90 days dude 90 days is longer than the presidential transition period in this country

00:33:22.920 between administrations you're telling me they can set up a whole government faster than you

00:33:26.880 can figure out whether you want to let this dude hit that's what we're talking about here and again 1.00

00:33:31.780 this is just it's just unfair to sluts i would say it should be the 90 minute rule you must have 1.00

00:33:36.600 sex within 90 minutes you know if you're wasting your time the craziest thing about gay guys is 1.00

00:33:42.100 that you'll have completely sober dates and be like well let's go fuck that's that's the wild 1.00

00:33:47.600 thing to me it's like straight couples will be like you want to get drinks and then if someone 0.99

00:33:51.720 says you want to get drinks you know that maybe maybe someone's getting laid if someone's like 0.98

00:33:55.720 you want to get coffee that's that's like hey i'm not trying to have sex what with gays it's crazy 1.00

00:34:00.000 You'll be like, you'll be like, hey, do you want to go rock climbing? 1.00

00:34:03.560 And then he's like, oh, my God, this guy wants to fuck so bad. 0.99

00:34:06.000 He just invited me rock climbing. 1.00

00:34:07.380 This is nuts. 0.99

00:34:08.600 All you're saying is that we want to have sex with someone who's good at sex. 1.00

00:34:11.440 I don't have sex with a drunk person. 1.00

00:34:13.080 I want to have sex with an over caffeinated man with ropey forearms. 1.00

00:34:16.420 I can't. 1.00

00:34:16.940 I'm not even going to talk about this.

00:34:18.640 You don't know what you're talking about.

00:34:19.860 This is crazy. 0.99

00:34:20.540 I'm going to spend $25 before having sex. 0.99

00:34:22.560 I got to spend $25 to have sex. 0.99

00:34:24.140 That's your problem with it? 0.99

00:34:25.080 Come on.

00:34:25.160 I'm getting a drip coffee at two in the afternoon at Starbucks.

00:34:27.660 all right let's get back into this god why we're out of control all right there's a very weird

00:34:35.400 chapter that's entirely about mama's boys and that's the name of the chapter mama's boys i

00:34:40.540 actually think this chapter is a really good illustration of how steve's brain operates he

00:34:44.900 says that a lot of women write to his show about men whose mother plays too large of a role in

00:34:50.100 their lives right the guy's too much of a pushover to establish boundaries with her classic archetype

00:34:56.180 of a guy i guess yeah again date people you like if you don't like that they don't date people like

00:35:00.560 that i don't know he says to all the women in relationships with mama's boys i say stop coming

00:35:05.260 up with excuses and recognize that he's a mama's boy because you let him be one oh my god yes i

00:35:10.380 said it it's period your period fault period he says that women need to establish standards for

00:35:16.500 their man and quote if you don't have any standards or requirements guess whose rules

00:35:20.500 he's going to follow that's right his mother what on earth so if he's a mama's boy that's not because

00:35:28.640 of his relationship with his own mother right or anything it's because you're the new mom yeah

00:35:32.760 you're supposed to be the new mom and you're not doing it right i'd love it he was like if only 0.97

00:35:37.600 you hadn't waited so long to have sex with him he wouldn't have been able to form a bond with a

00:35:41.080 different woman his birth mother basically every dynamic in human relationships is either blamed

00:35:46.400 on women in this book or at least he gives women the responsibility for addressing the problem

00:35:51.720 right the male psychology is a pure force of nature it cannot be changed all problems 0.85

00:35:58.020 are addressed through women's labor it's actually kind of impressive like the idea that you're like 0.65

00:36:03.760 hey my boyfriend is too much of a mama's boy and steve harvey's like that's because you're not mom 0.56

00:36:11.220 like enough. You must replace his mother. What are you talking about? Peter, do you think you've 0.99

00:36:16.760 gotten good dating advice in your life? I feel like there's like so little decent dating advice

00:36:21.940 for straight guys. I'm sure that I have, but I don't remember it. I want to, I also want to be

00:36:27.620 clear. I wasn't good at dating until I got handsome in my late twenties. You are fully an incel. You

00:36:34.080 just happen to be on the right side of that equation. Things got real simple. I think the

00:36:39.000 real thing with dating is that a lot of people find no enjoyment in the process of dating yeah

00:36:45.420 and i act i always liked dating yeah i like going out meeting someone if it doesn't work whatever i

00:36:51.140 i'm a relatively social guy because i enjoy that i never felt like dating really stressed me out

00:36:57.360 because even when it wasn't really going well i was still sort of doing something that i enjoyed

00:37:00.400 it was like a hobby almost yeah i'm like that too it's nice to go and just like have a coffee with

00:37:04.200 a new person like it's fun to chat with people and if you like them you go back to your place

00:37:08.180 Right.

00:37:08.460 And if you don't like them, you still go back to your place, but you do different things

00:37:11.760 to them.

00:37:12.160 And you, or like you meet a weirdo and you get to tell your friends about it.

00:37:14.820 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:15.460 Again, because I'm a gossipy little bitch. 0.99

00:37:17.500 By far the worst ones are the ones that don't yield an anecdote. 0.99

00:37:19.760 Oh yeah. 0.61

00:37:20.260 I want sex or content. 0.99

00:37:22.060 Those are the only, those are my only two needs as a 43 year old gay man. 0.99

00:37:26.020 Now there's also a chapter called why men cheat.

00:37:28.900 Of course.

00:37:29.640 I'll give you one. 1.00

00:37:31.500 I'll give you a single guess as to which gender he blames for men cheating.

00:37:35.360 Maybe you're making him wait too long. 0.74

00:37:37.340 Maybe on the 89th day, he gives in to temptation and he has sex with someone else.

00:37:41.520 That's actually worth noting.

00:37:43.080 He hints that if you don't put out for your dude, you'll push him to cheat.

00:37:46.420 But then like earlier when he was talking about the 90-day rule, he said the opposite.

00:37:49.600 He said that not putting out would make him respect you more.

00:37:52.120 It's like, well, okay, whatever.

00:37:52.620 That's the Goldilocks here. 1.00

00:37:53.500 You can't be too much of a slut and you can't be too much of a prude. 1.00

00:37:56.120 And like you're constantly – if you're a woman, you're always doing it wrong. 1.00

00:37:58.380 You're doing the high wire between the twin towers, right? 1.00

00:38:00.720 On one side is slut and on one side is prude. 0.99

00:38:03.240 he says that powerful men are compelled to cheat he says you can't be a man of power and not step 0.99

00:38:10.140 outside your house that's him that's him talking about like i'm a rich i'm a rich celebrity i don't

00:38:15.020 know one man of power who has not stepped outside his house such a man may exist but i have not met

00:38:19.960 him but i do know men of power who have learned to do right go home and take care of their families

00:38:24.820 what i've been keeping this in my pocket but marjorie the scuba diver is steve's third wife

00:38:30.900 And the previous wives accuse him publicly of cheating.

00:38:34.500 Oh, really?

00:38:34.980 Okay.

00:38:35.260 And he is admitted to cheating.

00:38:37.140 You can see him admitting to it functionally in this paragraph, right?

00:38:39.660 Yeah.

00:38:39.900 This is the speech that he gave to his wife.

00:38:42.060 Like, I'm a man of power.

00:38:43.540 Come on, man. 1.00

00:38:44.440 Give me a fucking break, dude. 0.99

00:38:45.780 I love how this book pretends to be advice on how women can date men, but it turns out 1.00

00:38:50.380 to just be advice on how women can date Steve Harvey.

00:38:52.880 Like, I am going to cheat on you.

00:38:54.740 And I am going to say it's your fault. 0.97

00:38:56.540 Also, how did the other woman impress him without the 90 day waiting period? 0.75

00:39:02.600 Although I actually think this is consistent because earlier he said, if you sleep with

00:39:06.120 a man before 90 days, he's not going to respect you.

00:39:08.980 And like, yeah, Steve Harvey does not strike me as the kind of guy who like totally respects

00:39:13.020 the women that he's sleeping with.

00:39:15.680 So he is actually living proof. 1.00

00:39:17.700 Imagine you're just trying to fuck a rich celebrity and he's like, my rule is 90 days. 1.00

00:39:22.000 You're like, God damn it. 1.00

00:39:24.080 I just want the anecdote, Steve. 0.99

00:39:25.720 I'm really just here for the story. 1.00

00:39:28.180 I'm just trying to tell my friends I fucked the family if you die. 1.00

00:39:30.360 Can you please? 0.99

00:39:32.680 So the best part of this section is that it's coming after several chapters about how you

00:39:37.000 need to set standards and respect yourself.

00:39:39.040 Yeah.

00:39:39.360 You get to the cheating part and you imagine that he's going to say, if he cheats, leave

00:39:43.080 him.

00:39:43.420 Yeah.

00:39:43.840 But he actually preaches forgiveness.

00:39:45.900 Of course.

00:39:46.220 Believe it or not.

00:39:46.820 Oh my God.

00:39:47.500 He says, if a man who's cheated on you sees you walking out the door and you matter to

00:39:51.360 him please know that at this point he's very vulnerable and open to learning should he win

00:39:57.040 you back he's going to straighten up and fly right because he's almost lost his girl and his family

00:40:01.680 which means he'll do most anything you tell him to get back into your good graces you're ruining

00:40:06.900 your moment of post nut clarity different situations are different so like i'm not

00:40:10.560 judging anyone who chooses forgiveness in these circumstances but i cannot emphasize enough how

00:40:15.920 much of the book has been like respect yourself ladies yeah set clear boundaries and enforce them

00:40:20.680 And then you get this and it's just like, come on, man.

00:40:23.240 Unless he's a powerful man and maybe hosts some sort of like a game show or something.

00:40:27.680 Just to pick a random example.

00:40:30.580 In that case, you should forgive him.

00:40:32.020 Imagine being in a relationship and cheating on them.

00:40:35.740 And then when they confront you, you're like, I'm a man of power.

00:40:38.280 I can't help it.

00:40:39.640 I'm on two podcasts.

00:40:41.160 Also, I know the answer to this, but does he address women of power?

00:40:44.400 What if Marjorie is a CEO? 0.96

00:40:45.980 Well, first of all, women of power, not hot. 1.00

00:40:48.860 Steve Harvey. 1.00

00:40:50.080 Oxymoron.

00:40:50.480 Oh, actually, this is a beautiful segue, Mike, because there's a chapter about strong and independent women.

00:40:57.560 And the title of that chapter is Strong, Independent, and Lonely Women.

00:41:01.920 There are subsections titled How to Be a Girl on a Date, How to Be a Girl at Home. 0.79

00:41:07.020 The broad theme is like being an independent woman is great, but it won't get you a man because men don't like it.

00:41:13.560 The advice is sort of like what you'd expect.

00:41:16.860 Don't split the bill.

00:41:18.340 Don't drive him to a date.

00:41:19.860 let him do any heavy lifting around the house or any like laborious chores or whatever. 1.00

00:41:24.620 Never open a jar in front of him, ladies. 0.98

00:41:26.640 What's interesting, though, is that he doesn't frame it like that's the man's job. 0.52

00:41:30.660 The way he frames it is like men need to feel needed.

00:41:35.520 Right.

00:41:35.760 So the premise is that if you want the guy to be happy, you need him to feel like he's

00:41:40.940 providing for you, even if you don't actually need him to provide for you because you are

00:41:44.640 an independent woman.

00:41:45.640 So it's sort of like how big cats will pretend to be startled when their cubs pounce at them.

00:41:50.600 The male ego is deeply fragile and it's very important to nurture it.

00:41:54.900 So you must do that by pretending to need him to provide for you.

00:41:59.200 This is one of my favorite things about American masculinity, where it's like men are supposed to be like strong and independent and stoic. 0.99

00:42:05.300 But also they will melt down like a fucking pansy if you like are better at fixing a bicycle than they are. 0.99

00:42:12.280 Right. 1.00

00:42:12.500 Or if you make more money.

00:42:13.840 Right.

00:42:14.040 Like they're both Charles Bronson and also like Dawson from Dawson's Creek.

00:42:18.580 This is one step away from being like, break the toilet every now and then just so he has

00:42:22.000 something to do.

00:42:22.800 It's like a, like a Stepford husband situation.

00:42:24.940 It's like, you're doing so good.

00:42:27.040 You're like giving him little activities.

00:42:28.940 Yeah.

00:42:29.100 It's like you, you're so secure in your manhood that you expect your wife to treat you like

00:42:32.660 an orca at SeaWorld.

00:42:33.840 Just like giving you little sardines throughout the day.

00:42:36.280 Like, oh wow, you beat Melania with no summons.

00:42:38.800 Let me get the bucket.

00:42:39.700 Now I can keep going with this sort of stuff, but it does become redundant after a point.

00:42:42.840 There is, though, some really unhinged stuff in here that I would be remiss not to mention.

00:42:49.300 Now, again, earlier we talked about how Steve did not think that men should be expected to talk to their significant others very much.

00:42:56.700 I hate that.

00:42:57.260 I am going to send you the wildest iteration of this.

00:43:01.180 The heading of this portion is how does he react to bad news?

00:43:05.520 What if the bad news is we're waiting another 90 days? 0.92

00:43:08.160 I also want to point out this section is in the 90 day, like wait 90 days to fuck chapter. 0.97

00:43:14.620 Say you lose a loved one, someone really close to you. 0.90

00:43:17.240 A man who has plans for you will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that

00:43:21.680 you can take the time to grieve.

00:43:23.140 He might ask you if he can take your kids out for a couple hours so you can have some

00:43:26.600 time to yourself.

00:43:27.540 Or he might ask you if he can go with you to the funeral home to be with you while you

00:43:30.600 see about the arrangements and so that he can express his condolences to your family.

00:43:34.560 Note, ladies, he's probably not going to want to sit there and let you retrace your

00:43:38.140 childhood and reminisce about the first time your deceased loved one push you on the swing.

00:43:42.080 That's not about to happen. It's not what men do. But a real man will respond with some kind

00:43:47.100 of solution. He will do what he can to help you stop crying because no man wants to see his woman 1.00

00:43:51.980 crying. If this man is not comforting, if he's not coming up with better solutions to help you feel

00:43:56.800 better, then he needs to be fired. He has no rights to the benefits. Oh, now he draws a line

00:44:02.100 in the sand. He is going to be shit at listening to you, but if he doesn't help with the logistics, 0.96

00:44:07.900 That's what you should break up with him. 0.99

00:44:09.460 Right, right. 1.00

00:44:10.200 If your family member dies, I'm not going to sit there and listen to you fucking yap 1.00

00:44:15.120 about it. 1.00

00:44:15.700 But like if you want a soda or something, I will go to the store.

00:44:19.760 Just the lowest bar.

00:44:21.460 Like a lot of this book is just like the philosophy of a very sexist man. 0.82

00:44:24.900 But there were a few times where you're just like, oh, he's a sociopath.

00:44:28.420 He doesn't feel emotions when people die and he believes that it's because he's a dude. 0.99

00:44:32.760 But it's like, no, it's because you are a diagnosable psychopath.

00:44:36.220 The only extent to which this book is interesting is like as a little snapshot of American masculinity in the 2000s because he is constructing masculinity here as something that everyone around a man has to go out of their way to reinforce, right?

00:44:49.740 It's up to women to give men opportunities to like fix things and like cook meat on the grill or whatever.

00:44:55.320 But then it's never up to men to reinforce femininity, right? 0.94

00:44:59.180 Even if you have this gender essentialist view that like men do things and women are 0.98

00:45:04.400 interested in feelings and relationships, can't men every once in a while just fucking 0.97

00:45:08.660 ask, how are you? 0.97

00:45:10.240 How do you feel?

00:45:11.480 Right.

00:45:11.600 It's not just that it's essentialist, right?

00:45:12.860 It's also hierarchical. 0.97

00:45:14.360 It's always that man's needs are supreme to women's needs. 0.99

00:45:18.520 You can think of like a steel man version of this. 0.96

00:45:20.680 It's like men are not socialized to communicate effectively in these situations and like

00:45:26.020 here's how you can deal with it or whatever.

00:45:27.560 Like there's some version of that, but he's literally just like, you think we're going 0.98

00:45:30.940 to fucking reminisce with you? 0.98

00:45:32.200 That's not what men do. 1.00

00:45:34.480 Jesus Christ, bro.

00:45:36.060 It's so bizarre to me, the idea of loving someone and not wanting to know this stuff.

00:45:41.560 I'm just like, what is love to you then?

00:45:43.120 I would love to hear him articulate why he wants to be married to anyone.

00:45:49.200 Yeah.

00:45:49.480 I guarantee that it would be just like a religious explanation.

00:45:53.160 Like one thing I've sort of skirted around because it's not that interesting is that

00:45:56.500 He often talks about, like, finding a man of God and stuff like that.

00:45:59.640 That's very important to him.

00:46:00.820 He's talked about this publicly, how he, like, doesn't believe that, like, atheists can be good people and stuff like that.

00:46:05.660 Great.

00:46:05.920 But I honestly think that he just feels that these are, like, these are the burdens that we carry with us because of, like, you know, the order of things.

00:46:13.160 That you must pursue a relationship and you must, you know, you want to get married.

00:46:17.380 You want to have kids not because you truly want to but because these are the things that we are supposed to do. 0.75

00:46:22.780 I think there's also a culture among men of like this sort of Madonna whore binary that

00:46:27.600 he sets up where it's like you marry a woman because like you're supposed to like her like 0.80

00:46:31.460 the she's the type of woman that you can be with your friends around kind of show off

00:46:35.660 to other people. 1.00

00:46:36.660 It's like a status thing without actually liking this person.

00:46:39.380 The very last section of the book is like a rapid fire frequently asked questions.

00:46:43.640 Most of it pretty dull or redundant with other sections, but I'm going to send you my favorites.

00:46:48.300 Is it called survey says?

00:46:49.700 I feel like it should be.

00:46:50.540 No.

00:46:51.100 He says question.

00:46:52.780 will you date or marry a woman who smokes? Answer, I wouldn't. And most non-smokers wouldn't 0.94

00:46:58.220 either. The skin of women who smoke, it's not where I would start. The skin of women who smoke 1.00

00:47:05.300 ages prematurely and their lips are stained. It ages them internally too. And for me, it exhibits 0.98

00:47:11.260 a weakness and lack of understanding about their own health. Once we non-smoking men see that a

00:47:16.080 woman doesn't care about her own health, we immediately equate that to her inability to 0.95

00:47:20.360 care for her man and her kids yeah most non-smoking men will not tolerate a smoking woman not on a 1.00

00:47:26.440 permanent basis we'll sleep with you but we're not taking you home why'd you put that in at the end 1.00

00:47:32.620 i wanted to put in one piece of advice that i agree with we will fuck you it's so funny to me 1.00

00:47:38.180 that he's that instead of being like hey smoking causes lung cancer he's like their fucking skin 0.99

00:47:44.460 it ages faster that's the first thing he said i also probably wouldn't date a smoker but just 0.99

00:47:50.200 just like kissing a smoker feels like kissing a chimney but also i first of all i wouldn't like

00:47:55.040 say anything morally about smokers and secondly i wouldn't just throw in there like i'll also 0.99

00:48:00.040 fuck you though i also don't even tire like a a woman who occasionally smokes oh yeah i occasionally 0.99

00:48:05.880 smoke i don't give a shit wait do you like i'll have like a pack a year maybe maybe maybe oh is 1.00

00:48:10.460 Is that why your lips are stained? 0.99

00:48:11.640 That's why my lips are stained. 1.00

00:48:12.500 And your age, your skin is aged prematurely. 1.00

00:48:14.460 I'm always saying this about you. 1.00

00:48:15.820 I know that it exhibits a weakness. 1.00

00:48:18.420 Women won't take me home, but they will still fuck me. 1.00

00:48:23.180 That is actually perfect. 1.00

00:48:24.160 You should smoke more.

00:48:25.100 I feel like men would be like, oh, hell yeah.

00:48:27.140 This is the shortcut.

00:48:28.300 Next one.

00:48:29.800 One of my favorites.

00:48:30.640 Question. 0.99

00:48:31.340 Do you prefer a woman in flats or heels? 0.99

00:48:33.920 Answer. 1.00

00:48:34.580 Heels, baby. 1.00

00:48:35.620 Heels. 1.00

00:48:36.380 If we could get athletic shoes with heels for women, we would. 1.00

00:48:39.940 It's just a really sexy thing to us.

00:48:41.900 I don't know a single man who prefers women in flats.

00:48:44.520 I've never run into one. 0.90

00:48:45.780 We all think heels make your legs more beautiful and they make you walk more feminine.

00:48:49.980 And you too. 1.00

00:48:51.180 And that's what we're attracted to.

00:48:53.560 Again, whatever, man.

00:48:54.980 Like what you like, but this is like a weirdly dirtbag thing.

00:48:58.140 The bit of context here that's sort of missing when we're picking these out is that throughout

00:49:03.840 the frequently asked question section, a lot of it is just sort of like, do men like this?

00:49:08.660 and he's like men like different things do what you like there's a guy for you somewhere but then

00:49:12.860 it gets to this one and he's just too horny he's like heels heels it's gotta be baby these books

00:49:19.640 are not edited if someone came to me with a conspiracy theory that like no one has read

00:49:23.840 this book in full i would probably believe it all right another one i've sent you what

00:49:28.300 question do men like shopping answer we'll go if you make us and it's the only way we can spend

00:49:35.880 our time with you, but it's not what we want to do. Think about it. The men's department is almost

00:49:40.920 always on the first floor, by the door, and always one of the smaller sections in the store. It's so

00:49:45.860 we can get in and get out. You never walk in and see men rummaging through the sales racks and

00:49:50.380 holding shirts up to their chest and openly asking if they'd look better in the blue or the green.

00:49:54.900 Not openly, no.

00:49:55.720 We go in knowing exactly what we want and come out with it. Rarely anything more. That's what

00:50:00.480 we like about shopping. Getting in and getting out. Doesn't Steve, like, take a lot of care in

00:50:05.400 how he dresses doesn't he wear like flamboyant suits and stuff he does he does but like i guess

00:50:09.920 he must just have a stylist or something i don't know constantly about like trying to look good

00:50:14.160 like this is a lot of advice to men of course men like shopping they just can't admit to it

00:50:17.640 because they think shopping is like female coded this is like all the bros doing intermittent

00:50:21.440 fasting who don't want to admit that they're dieting also like if you just change this like

00:50:25.600 he's assuming clothes shopping go watch a you can find the straightest guy in the world and

00:50:32.080 go watch him shop for a truck and tell me that man doesn't like shopping.

00:50:34.780 If you think of sports betting as a kind of shopping, I'm really into it.

00:50:38.220 This is one of the many parts of the book where like, it just felt like he was calling

00:50:42.760 me gay, where he's just like, no real man would ever like shopping and gossip.

00:50:49.340 And I'm like, oh, I just, I thought. 0.99

00:50:53.360 Dressing nice and talking shit, the Peter Shamshiri story. 0.97

00:50:56.460 So that's all that I'm going to include from the book. 0.97

00:51:00.200 we should briefly talk about the movie a couple years after the book comes out the movie comes

00:51:06.040 out uh it's called think like a man oh it's not based on the book so much as it is about the book

00:51:12.300 like the book is kind of the main character in the movie oh it's like adaptation yeah sort of

00:51:18.360 it it follows several couples and the women find steve harvey's book like they're like holding up

00:51:27.980 his book being like steve says we should be doing this oh weird so it's like an advertisement for

00:51:32.700 the book basically fully an ad it's fully an ad and then like the men realize what they're doing

00:51:37.680 and try to like fight back but it you know it uh it backfires on them because steve harvey's

00:51:42.580 advice cannot be defeated peter peter what if there was a movie based on this podcast and it

00:51:46.820 was just people who sucked and then they found the podcast and they're like now i don't read

00:51:50.720 the atlantic anymore like someone's like holding up their apple podcast uh app and it's like our 0.98

00:51:57.820 logo and it like zooms in on it you know michael and peter say that this is all bullshit pete thanks

00:52:04.760 peter and michael and they jump in the air and we get freeze frame i also think it's probably 0.72

00:52:09.320 worth just going over some steve harvey controversies oh yeah the thing about steve 1.00

00:52:16.080 harvey is that he is fundamentally a dumb asshole so if you let him talk enough he will hit like a 0.98

00:52:23.120 resting pace of about one controversy every one to two years the most famous controversy 1.00

00:52:29.200 is not really a problematic controversy it's the fact that he uh hosted the miss universe

00:52:36.260 competition and announced the incorrect winner do you remember that no they just said like a

00:52:42.260 random lady and then it wasn't her no he he announced the runner-up as the as the winner

00:52:47.040 and then had to be like it was it was a it was a funnier version of the uh moonlight la la land

00:52:53.420 yeah it was down to miss columbia and miss philippines and then he did a twitter apology

00:52:57.720 where he spelled both columbia and the philippines wrong he was on a uh a talk show once where when

00:53:05.200 talking about why men cheat he said it's because there are so many women out there willing to cheat

00:53:09.400 with them uh there was there was an appearance on the view where he was like there isn't a real

00:53:15.100 man living that can live without one of you meaning women he doesn't exist and then the

00:53:20.140 hosts are all like well what about gay men what about gay men and steve steve's like well real 0.99

00:53:24.000 men oh fucking joy behar is like reiterating like five times to him like gay men live without women 0.93

00:53:30.860 and they're fine and then at the end steve is like yes yes that's you're right thanks for saying that 1.00

00:53:36.900 it's like what was your point then right there's so many fuck i mean and when we're talking about 0.95

00:53:43.260 sexist things he said publicly. It's just endless. This is also from 2017. This is an email that 0.99

00:53:51.440 Steve Harvey sent the staff of his show. He says, good morning, everyone. Welcome back.

00:53:56.740 I'd like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for season five of my

00:54:00.540 talk show. There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in.

00:54:05.200 No one. Do not come to my dressing room unless invited. Do not open my dressing room door,

00:54:09.940 all caps, if you open my door, expect to be removed. I want all ambushing to stop now.

00:54:15.440 That includes TV staff. You must schedule an appointment. I have been taken advantage of by

00:54:19.880 my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. No more. Do not approach me while I'm in the makeup

00:54:25.520 chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell. I promise you

00:54:30.280 I will not entertain you in the hallway and do not attempt to walk with me. If you're reading this,

00:54:35.240 Yes, I mean you. Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the

00:54:40.920 good of my personal life and enjoyment. Thank you all. This did end Ellen's career, but I don't feel

00:54:47.540 like Steve Harvey's at risk of the same thing. As an introvert, I have written versions of this

00:54:52.480 email many times and never sent them. Do not say hi to me. Do not expect me to be cute and make

00:54:59.580 small talk i could i do think you could like imagine that his life at work is just people

00:55:06.180 constantly coming up to him with some question and problem but it's just very funny that you

00:55:10.240 can immediately clock that he's a nightmare he's like i'm doing self-care this year don't speak to

00:55:15.080 me also like you're just this is part of being like a millionaire public figure it's like people

00:55:19.680 stop and talk to you that's the thing dude it's like you're mega rich and also you're running a

00:55:23.700 company like the the show is about you you're a you're you're the head of essentially an

00:55:27.540 organization, anyone who is in that position, people are going to stop you in the hall and

00:55:31.640 bring up stuff. Parts of your jobs suck. I have to hear about my fucking mispronunciation all 0.99

00:55:36.240 the time. You don't hear me complaining about it on every episode, on every single episode. 0.99

00:55:40.660 You'd never hear us complaining about that. And I'm sure that if we did, it would cause you all

00:55:45.740 to stop doing it. It wouldn't encourage you. Not to just do it more because you're all little rats.

00:55:57.540 The the only I have one more complaint about this book. 0.85

00:56:00.800 It's an important one.

00:56:02.780 Four or five times in this book, Steve basically inserts the smile emoji, but he writes it

00:56:09.120 out.

00:56:09.420 He just writes the word smile after saying something.

00:56:12.640 Oh, he doesn't even use like colon dash parentheses.

00:56:15.240 No, no, no.

00:56:15.760 Just smile.

00:56:16.360 It's just like an M dash and then the word smile.

00:56:20.660 It's so bizarre.

00:56:22.380 Like the first time I was like, what is this?

00:56:25.560 I almost was like, was he doing a placeholder for the emoji?

00:56:30.460 Again, he's got to just be voice memoing this, right?

00:56:32.880 And he just said smile, expecting someone else to like control F it later and replace

00:56:38.220 it with the emoji.

00:56:39.380 And then no one read the text of this book and they just published it.

00:56:41.760 They're like, great job, Steve.

00:56:42.680 We publish it in full, no edits.

00:56:44.840 The other weird thing that dates this book is that maybe two or three times he references

00:56:49.640 like naughty emails.

00:56:51.900 Oh.

00:56:52.100 Is that what like 55-year-olds were doing in 2009? 0.96

00:56:55.560 is writing each other horny emails forward re re re forward your boobs that's how it was back

00:57:02.680 early internet days right they're just they're they're writing out full emails and just like 0.99

00:57:08.300 i hope this email finds you well between my legs you'll find it

00:57:13.180 picking up where we left off last week i walk into your bedroom dressed sexy 0.82

00:57:22.940 it's so funny that he can just sort of walk in society the way that he does 0.97

00:57:28.960 such an out and out scumbag blake lively is listening to this episode like really 0.99

00:57:35.180 if it was just like steve harvey the host of family feud is actually an asshole i'd be like 0.99

00:57:40.400 okay whatever but his actual career is like predicated on being the sort of like truth 0.97

00:57:46.820 teller who gives good advice, practical advice. Harsh truths. Well, yeah. I mean, the way that

00:57:52.560 it gets framed is like, you might think that this is antiquated, but this is how things are.

00:57:57.460 Right. The whole turn is he's not saying it's good. He's just saying it's true.

00:58:01.180 Yeah. And the idea, again, that like the negative qualities that many men hold

00:58:06.980 cannot actually be addressed. Yeah. This is sort of the output of our masculinity and our desire

00:58:13.500 to protect and provide or whatever,

00:58:16.500 you can't interfere with that.

00:58:17.500 You can only work around it.

00:58:18.920 And like the obligation is on you to work around it.

00:58:21.680 I will say in his defense,

00:58:23.140 there's one decent piece of advice in this book,

00:58:25.760 which is ladies,

00:58:27.180 if you want to get rid of a weird man, 0.99

00:58:28.400 start smoking. 1.00

00:58:29.560 He will fuck you. 1.00

00:58:31.260 He will not call you afterwards, 1.00

00:58:32.680 which isn't that what ladies want? 1.00

00:58:34.720 If you have a Steve Harvey in your life, 1.00

00:58:36.580 just put on flats.

00:58:43.500 We'll see you next time.

If Books Could Kill - March 28, 2025

Steve Harvey's ＂Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man＂

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