00:02:31.720But anyway, so it's going to be bumpy because sometimes bumps are fun.
00:02:35.960I have friends who, their children, when they wouldn't fall asleep, they would put them in a car and drive them on bumpy roads and that would put them to sleep.
00:02:44.340So sometimes, but I don't want you to fall asleep during the podcast
00:03:42.380She raised her glass in a toast and she said, you are no longer young. You are 40. 40 is not young. Can we please stop hearing about you dying young? Which is a fair point. I mean, I don't know that it's the best birthday toast I've ever heard, but she got her point across as she is very good at doing.
00:04:03.820But I don't even really remember or realize that I did that, that I talked about dying young.
00:04:11.180And I don't even know if it hit me so much at the time.
00:04:14.380But since then, it's definitely been something I've thought about in the past however many years it's been, whatever that math is.
00:04:23.180And I thought I was really analyzing and kind of self-reflecting and thinking, was I doing that for attention?
00:04:29.500Did I say – and I don't remember saying like, you know, like, hi, I'm Kristen.
00:04:33.320I'm going to die young. I'm not sure where that came from. But that was a very, it was a strong
00:04:40.140statement that really stuck with me. And I don't even know that I really thought I was going to
00:04:46.320die young, or how it was that I was going to die. I do know that my entire life, I have thought
00:04:53.520that I would die falling down the stairs or up the stairs, because I'm famous for doing this. And I
00:05:00.400have done it my whole entire life but it's not like a premonition you know some people have
00:05:04.940these premonitions or someone told them a seer a medium or whatever it's more like again maybe it's
00:05:12.480a funny projecting joke um joking about these things makes it either more distant or easier
00:05:21.880to deal with maybe I don't know but when the house I grew up in well from the time I was
00:05:26.960like nine or 10 had carpeted like wall-to-wall carpeting and carpeting down the stairs.
00:05:32.240And I remember, and also I've been told that people in the family would hear boom,
00:05:37.760boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then I'm okay. And I just, I think my sense of my natural
00:05:48.080equilibrium is off. That's what I think. I'm also, I have weak ankles. I have lots of excuses,
00:05:54.340but I don't know. I mean, some of them are definitely true, but I think it's the
00:05:56.620culmination of all of those things. But I've fallen down the stairs. I've broken my tailbone
00:06:01.040several times. I fell down the stairs when I was pregnant. And I just, and then when I broke my
00:06:06.420ankle, I was so careful and I was so unstable. So that's, but I don't think I told people maybe
00:06:12.760necessarily about that. So, but I do like to make up theories about things in general in life. And
00:06:20.120this was one of them. And I know this started when I was, I don't know, I guess fairly young,
00:06:25.080maybe like a teenager, because it really kind of hit me that if you don't know anyone who's died
00:06:31.680that's close to you, it means you're the one who's going to die. And, you know, when you talk about
00:06:38.060theories, this, I'm sure there's some mathematical or scientific name for this type of theory. If
00:06:44.440this, then that. X plus Y equals Z. Something like that. Algebra, trigonometry, sine, cosine.
00:06:52.320I only know that because of the New York Times crossword puzzle. And those are words that come
00:06:56.460up sometimes. I did not take trigonometry. Math is hard. That's what I like to say about that.
00:07:02.540So one of the other theories that I remember coming up with, I don't know if we came up with
00:07:08.840it together or not. It probably was me and my weird brain. But it was before we moved into the
00:07:13.300house with the carpeted stairs. And we were living in the first farm we lived in in Chester, New
00:07:18.260Hampshire and I was probably eight or nine and we had a trailer that was used for like you know
00:07:25.060wood the chopping the wood and splitting the wood and then bringing it into the house for the wood
00:07:29.920stove or whatever and it wasn't attached to a car and I remember it was so it was leaning right so
00:07:35.660the the ball and hook joint that looks like a hip joint whatever that is is on the ground and so the
00:07:42.060tail end of it is spacing up. I don't know if I'm describing that well. But for some reason,
00:07:48.120I was lying in there with the boy from across the street whose last name was Malcolm.
00:07:54.100His mother, I think, was Patricia Malcolm. I don't know what his name is. I'm calling him Tim.
00:07:58.060But I have so few memories from my childhood that really stick. And this is one of them.
00:08:03.440And we were just talking. And I remember that we decided that we really liked each other and that
00:08:09.100I don't think we talked about love, but we talked about the fact that we really, you know, we really liked each other and that we should get married.
00:08:15.100And then I think I was the one who basically, you know, broke our hopes by saying we can't get married because our dads went to college together.
00:08:26.620And since they went to college together, that means that we're related.
00:08:30.060And since we're related, we can't get married.
00:08:32.720And so that's another bit of very smart logic.
00:08:36.600So I'm still waiting for Mensa to give me a call.
00:08:39.960And maybe based on this podcast, they will.
00:08:43.100I mean, the funny part of that story, too, is it's not like my dad and his dad were friends in college.
00:08:47.500I don't even think they were there at the same time.
00:08:49.900They literally were just, we just found out, oh, they both went to, I think, Norwich University in Vermont.
00:08:56.060So these are the kinds of, you know, what are they called?
00:09:39.280Anyway, literally, and the, yeah, the Jolly Green Giants.
00:09:43.480So I actually should really find out where that came from because what a story that would be.
00:09:47.100Like who chooses the Jolly Green Giants?
00:09:48.620The good thing is that it's not, you know, racist or sexist or, you know, like all the teams that have had to change their names because it's, you know, Native American names or whatever, which I agree with.
00:10:01.040So other than Giants and Giants, I don't think exist.
00:10:04.860So I think it's not going to offend anybody.
00:10:07.240So anyway, shout out to the Bishop Brady High School, Jolly Green Giants.
00:10:12.360Some of the best years of my life, two years of the best years of my life.
00:10:14.920So during that time, Billy Joel's song, Only the Good Die Young, was always on the radio. This was like 1984, 85. I mean, I came clean at the very beginning of this by telling you exactly how old I am. So, you know, if I could go back in time and change my birth date on IMDB or on the internet, would I? I've thought about that before.
00:10:35.980I don't think I would because you know owning it is great I just love it when people own it
00:10:41.780like you know what get plastic surgery just own it just tell us all about it so now you know 1984
00:10:48.1201985 or so and Anne-Marie Lozo was my best friend and Anne-Marie was this self-proclaimed bad girl
00:10:55.140she was definitely you know and I was the perfect foil to her I was Sandra Dee like from Greece I
00:11:02.460mean it ridiculously so uh and this this good girl sort of like um what was that movie
00:11:09.880tracy flick is the name of the character reese witherspoon election um and matthew broderick's
00:11:18.460in it and she was i was kind of like her you know sort of right you know i i think i would raise my
00:11:23.100hand and i you know was very pure as the driven snow and although i wasn't interested in politics
00:11:29.460school or otherwise. I was much more interested in waking up early and doing a different hairdo
00:11:35.440every day. My hot rollers were my best friend. I have really thick hair. So that was really
00:11:39.940the big hair of the eighties was I had good hair for that. And I wore business suits also. We did
00:11:47.080have to wear skirts. Did we have to wear skirts or dresses? I don't think we did actually, but we had0.99
00:11:51.820to get dressed up. Oh, they got rid of uniforms the year I went there and I wanted to go there
00:11:56.520because they had uniforms, because I was tired of waking up early and coming up with all my
00:12:01.000outfits, even though I did love to be very put together. That's what it was. Plus, you know,
00:12:05.080the Catholic girl uniform, which kind of brings me into that, the song again, right? So
00:12:09.720Only the Good Die Young and these stories about Catholic, Catholic girls. So Anne-Marie used to
00:12:17.780make me mix tapes and this anthem, Only the Good Die Young was on a tape that she named Songs for
00:12:23.820kristin to sunbathe too i believe i know that was one of the tapes she made for me and i'm pretty
00:12:28.280sure it's on there um but and i still have all the tapes so i will look that up and the best
00:12:34.980best mix tapes from the 80s i mean they're precious they're so precious to me uh i mean
00:12:41.600this is a hill that i will die on that the music from the 80s and mix tapes it's not burning a cd
00:12:47.540of mixed music it's not making a playlist on spotify i know i sound like such a boomer
00:12:52.540but having those tapes oh my gosh it makes me so incredibly happy and actually I found my box of
00:13:01.000tapes in the barn at my mom's farm when we were cleaning it out before she sold it a few years
00:13:04.600ago and um I remember that I had separated it years before and I had all the mixed tapes which
00:13:10.900are more precious right I mean I had tons of bought tapes too but the mixed tapes um all fit
00:13:17.880into this cowboy boot box that I had from these custom Nakona cowboy boots that Jim Carlson
00:13:25.700surprised me with for Christmas when we lived together in Native Massachusetts. And Jim Carlson
00:13:30.240or JC was, we were actually engaged, was a really good boyfriend, a really good guy. And I
00:13:35.940screwed things up as I always do. So I'm really sorry about that, Jim. But I think he has a really
00:13:40.500good life and a great family and things. So he really dodged a bullet, as they say.
00:13:47.880So I'm cracking myself up here. So I still have these boots actually, which is amazing. And I just started wearing them again. And I wore them to this art lecture the other night. And my friend in Zurich, my friend Jacinta saw them and she was like, oh my God, those are amazing. And they look great with those jeans.
00:14:04.900And I told her the story of them, and it's pretty cool.
00:14:09.660I mean, they fit like slippers, even though the snake skin on them is a little bit cracked
00:14:13.760because I did wear them a lot, mostly with little short dresses and skirts in my 20s
00:14:19.320running around Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
00:14:21.360And it didn't matter if it was raining or not, and even though I shouldn't have been
00:14:24.080wearing this nice leather and snake skin, and I did not care, and I just wore them.
00:14:28.680Because, you know, one of the things that happens is when you don't take care of precious
00:14:33.440things, things can get damaged. And that, my friends, is meaning more than just about the
00:14:39.580boots. I have it in bold here on my notes. When you don't take care of precious things,
00:14:45.820they can get damaged. So the skin is split and it's beyond repair, I think, probably. But I
00:14:51.200never tried to get them repaired either. So that's also telling of just saying they're not
00:14:57.820repairable, reparable, reparable, they're not repairable or reparable. And I've decided that,
00:15:04.380but I've not taken it to an expert. That is also telling and means a lot more than about the boots.
00:15:10.760So the tapes are in this cowboy boot box, and I carried it on as a carry-on when I came back
00:15:16.880to Switzerland. And this precious cargo, like I said, it was like I was carrying some irreplaceable
00:15:24.040relic of the past, like a Ming vase or the last copy of the U.S. Constitution.
00:15:30.280Ha ha ha. It was just literally, I remember, and it has a handle, like a built-in handle. And I
00:15:36.020just remember, I know what's inside this box and no one else does. And I wonder if they think it's
00:15:40.180boots. And no one cares. No one on the plane is thinking, what does she have in that boot box?
00:15:44.780Everyone is so like minding their, not minding their own business. Everyone's so caught up in
00:15:49.780what's going on with them. And that's another life lesson that it's really not all about us.
00:15:53.720And when we think, oh, my God, they didn't return my email, this is a note to myself, they don't hate you, Kristen.
00:15:58.520It's because they have other things going on in life.
00:16:01.220It's, you know, so no one was really looking at my box, which had these tapes inside them.
00:16:07.600So in this box was the tape from Anne-Marie and that song, Only the Good Die Young, which, you know, I could sing, but I don't really feel like singing.
00:17:19.520I mean, when you watch an American movie that has football, like on a Friday night from the 80s, the 90s, one of those all-American movies, I feel so lucky that I got to experience that tradition, those feelings.
00:17:36.140And it was sophomore and junior year, and I was the new girl sophomore year because everyone else had come in freshman year.
00:18:01.340And I remember I didn't, you know, I didn't swear either.
00:18:03.320And now, right now saying this, I remember that these girls, young women, locked the0.99
00:18:12.000doors of the locker room and made me say, fuck, and they wouldn't let me leave.0.99
00:18:16.720And I was really upset about it because I was like, I've never said that word before and I'm not going to say it for the first time here and now.0.99
00:18:23.820And I finally did because it was it was like hazing.
00:18:26.380I mean, it wasn't like, you know, fraternity hazing when someone almost dies of alcohol poisoning, but it was as bad.
00:18:33.280And then they made fun of how I said it.0.98
00:18:35.020They're like, fuck, apparently I said it, you know, however I said it.0.97
00:18:38.500So that was really and Anne-Marie wasn't there because she was playing field hockey with the athletes.0.99
00:18:42.880And I was, not that cheerleaders aren't athletes, but I mean, the extent was there was one girl called Marianne.0.87
00:18:49.240I remember she could do like a round off back handspring.0.68
00:18:51.720The rest of us could do cartwheels at the most and these jumps and the halftime dance that we did.
00:20:18.560And, you know, the whole dying young thing because of being a Catholic girl, I don't think I spent too much time thinking about it.0.77
00:20:25.960But Catholic girls were seen as being more rebellious than we Protestant girls, maybe, except for the preacher's kids, which, again, I don't know if that's something we talk about now, but that was always like PKs.
00:20:37.780That was something like Julie, who I spoke about, who told me to stop talking about dying young.0.97
00:20:42.720She was a preacher's kid, and she was like stereotypically like she was a bad girl.
00:20:46.380She was a rebel, and I was not, as I have told you 300 times.
00:20:50.700So it's as simple as rebelling against religion, authority.
00:20:55.440But why Catholic girls specifically? Why not the boys? Of course, I think it must have had something to do with the outfits. I mean, this was not the first or the last song about them. I think Frank Zappa had a song. I'm actually going to look here. Frank Zappa had a song about Catholic girls, called Catholic Girls.0.98
00:39:40.840So I'm at this age now where, I mean, I guess I've been at the age for a while, maybe 10 years or something, when people's parents are dying.
00:39:50.900And of course, people have lost parents, you know, very young to tragedies, cancer, whatever.
00:39:56.540And those are these kind of outliers, I would say.
00:39:59.680But the age when everyone's parents are aging and we're kind of in this sandwich generation, they say.
00:40:05.740So the people who are raising young children are children and they also their parents are becoming maybe less independent.
00:40:13.060They have to start taking care of their parents or helping to find people, take care of them or manage them more than they ever have before.
00:40:19.480And I would count myself amongst that sandwich generation, which, of course, I do love a sandwich.
00:41:34.200And then I'm just waiting for the third one.
00:41:36.300And it's like, please don't let it be my mom or my dad or my brother's sister or like anybody in my, you know, any of my people because I'm not ready for that.
00:41:45.500And, of course, none of us are ever ready for it.
00:41:47.440but one could find a third third death wherever one wanted to arguably of course you could look
00:41:55.380in the uh newspaper in the obituary section and be like well there's the third one there's you
00:41:59.600know more than the third one and depending on where you're consuming your news or how big a
00:42:04.100friend circle you have obviously that can happen but it's nerve-wracking it is really really
00:42:13.280nerve-wracking the reality of that and it's totally affected me more than I could have
00:42:19.000imagined and one of the things I realize is that with a very good number most of I have very good
00:42:28.740friends here too but my oldest friends all being in America and their parents dying I'm missing out
00:42:35.600on funerals and funerals help with closure so I'm told I haven't been to that many of them and it's
00:42:43.000a thing for a reason. So these funerals happen and I haven't gone back to them. I haven't been
00:42:52.460able to for one reason or another. But then my mind goes to, well, whose mother or father's
00:42:59.260funeral of my friends would I fly back for? And if I fly back for one and not another,
00:43:03.620is this an unforgivable slight? Will it affect our friendship? I mean, that's ridiculous. But
00:43:09.220then it's not because these are the kind of things that when you get drunk with your friends
00:43:12.660or something like that. I'd be like, you didn't come to my dad's funeral, but you came to so-and-so's.
00:43:17.040I mean, maybe you don't have friends like that, but I can hear one or two of my friends,
00:43:20.440I will not name you, maybe doing that. And it feels human, doesn't it? It feels raw and it feels,
00:43:25.200you know, because we all go down to these basics. We're all like, you know, vulnerable little kids
00:43:29.460at the end of the day. And it's a very fourth grade thing kind of do to say like, you know,
00:43:34.260she got more tater tots on her plate than I did. And that's not fair. It's fairness, I guess,
00:43:41.320in the end. So that's just shit that people hold on to. And that's, it's stuff that when1.00
00:43:47.640you're dealing with a huge loss and you're a C, you know, it's, you can, you hold on to that
00:43:52.740kind of thing. It's something plausible and tangible and factual that you can hold on to.
00:43:58.400Kristen doesn't love me or didn't love my mother or father, whoever, enough to fly her flat ass0.99
00:44:02.880over the Atlantic. Right. So, um, so I haven't been to any, and I didn't make that choice either.1.00
00:44:08.720This was not like a all or nothing thing. But I want to fly back for the funerals. And, you know, I mean, one of the big reasons is lack of funds. But even if I was loaded, would I fly back for every single one? And also, like, where's the hierarchy? Would it be, all right, I'm only flying back for the funerals of parents of very good friends.
00:44:32.940And this is the list of the very good friends who fall under the very good friend list, name list, and these parents, but only the ones that I knew, the step parent if it was or I had a relationship with or I've known for a really long time.
00:44:45.840I mean, quantifying and qualifying things is something I kind of, I do like to do. I love making a list and I love staying within the, I like giving myself boundaries and trying to stay within them and then also on purpose jumping outside the lines and seeing what happens with that.
00:45:04.620But anyway, where does it where would it stop? Where would it begin? Right. And I would want to go to everyone's. And before I came to Switzerland, which was 17 years ago, there weren't a lot there. People weren't dying, really. I mean, obviously, people were dying in the world. But you know what I mean? Like my friend's parents. And of course, there'd been, you know, one or two. And that's the other thing, man.
00:45:28.640I feel really badly that like my friend Gail, her dad died when we were in our 20s. And it was
00:45:36.620awful. Like he had something wrong with his liver or kidney. I feel really badly that I remember,
00:45:41.820but he was in the hospital for a long time and she would go down and visit him. I mean,
00:45:45.440go see him after work. And I didn't give her the empathy or the sympathy or the, or listen or,
00:45:50.320or give her the care that she of course really needed. And I hope she got it from someone else
00:45:55.660because it was, I was busy doing my own thing and I, I didn't know her dad and I wasn't on my radar0.87
00:46:00.760and these aren't excuses, but that's really pretty shitty. And I feel badly about that. And there's,
00:46:06.420you know, other things like that too. And you think, oh, wow, until it happens to you, sometimes
00:46:11.360it's not, you know, you put yourself in someone else's shoes, but really until something happens
00:46:16.880to you, you go, oh, I remember when my parents divorced and I was like 22, the end of college.
00:46:22.760and you know you grow up and there's half the class the kids or parents are divorced and you
00:46:27.900just kind of go yeah whatever you know deal with it and then your parents get divorced and you go
00:46:32.000oh wait a minute but my parents are divorced now my parents are divorces this is huge will you guys
00:46:37.520like please like this is really hard someone please feel sorry for me feel sad for me um
00:46:43.640so even if I was loaded would I fly back and forth I do think you get a lot of closure from
00:46:48.740a funeral. And there are definitely ones that I wish I could have been at. And there was, you know,
00:46:53.640Julie bringing back Julie again, her dad died, and it was during the pandemic, and I couldn't fly
00:46:57.880back. And that was definitely hard, because I'd known him since I was 20 or so. Also, the Reverend
00:47:05.920Dick Parker, may he rest in peace. But also going back and forth, like what, you know, I've been
00:47:10.840going back and forth to America and, you know, climate change and fossil fuels, jet fuel,
00:47:16.840whatever it is. And what about my life here? What about my kid? What about work? What about
00:47:21.700jet lag? So there's so many considerations to make. And I think what I'm getting to,
00:47:27.620I'm realizing as I'm saying this, is that
00:47:30.020people are going to hold on to different things. And so if I didn't make it to someone's
00:47:37.160parents' funeral, they can choose to hold on to that or not, right? And they can say,
00:47:42.120I can't believe you didn't come. And that was a big deal for them.
00:47:44.780And if they communicate that to me, then we can have a conversation about it.
00:47:48.180But holding on to things and then just having it be a bit of gossip or always saying like,
00:48:05.980And let's just, you know, express ourselves, own our shit, talk about stuff.0.98
00:48:10.100But the first time that this really happened to me that was devastating and that I missed a funeral was for Dr. Fuhrman.0.98
00:48:20.440And Dr. Fuhrman was the father of my first serious boyfriend in Camden, Maine.
00:48:25.780And he was just this classy, handsome, funny charm.
00:48:30.140He was like a Cary Grant, like a silver-haired Cary Grant to me, right?
00:48:34.520I just—very different family than I grew up in, and I love my family very much.
00:48:39.400But this was sort of like the family I dreamt that I should have grown up in, right?
00:48:43.520My family will say, too, that, you know, I was born into the – you know, I wanted to be singing and dancing on Broadway.
00:48:47.780And I was, you know, throwing food at the cow's head at the farm, you know, singing songs from Annie, waiting for my real parents to show up, which I would say to my parents also.
00:48:58.580And they'd be laughing inside, apparently laughing at me singing.
00:53:32.240So can you guys, the rest of the family coming from all over the place who were his real family, could you guys maybe take that into consideration?0.97
00:53:40.740my needs, please. So I remember thinking about it and, and, and, and saying to Bob too, and saying
00:53:47.080like, Oh, come on, please. And the universe and whatever, and influencing things with my
00:53:51.900non-existent ESP. And of course, that's, that's the weekend. That's the weekend, the day that
00:53:58.180they chose. And the reason I couldn't go is because this film I'd been working on for years
00:54:03.940and years. My first big documentary film was premiering on television on the Thursday night.
00:54:09.600we had the first screening of it like the premiere of it with an audience with all my friends and
00:54:14.740family and anyone who could make it in this big party on the Friday night and then less excitingly
00:54:21.040I had a big court date on the Monday so technically I guess I could have flown out at three o'clock in
00:54:29.600the morning Friday you know it wasn't going to happen and if it was going to happen it was really
00:54:34.500it was impossible. And that really killed me. But at the same time, sometimes when it's
00:54:40.320totally impossible and not just half impossible, it's easier, right? So if it had been that I just
00:54:48.400had the divorce on Monday and I had people visiting me for the weekend or something,
00:54:52.460that's kind of changeable, right? You could struggle with that. But there was really no way
00:54:56.840I could go. And that was, you know, devastating. And even though I had this huge, amazing life
00:55:03.980accomplishment in this film that I'd worked so hard on and I was really proud of myself and
00:55:07.960it was screening, I was thinking about the fact that I wasn't going to be able to make it to this
00:55:12.340funeral. And to be honest, of course, it was foreclosure and it was being there, but then it
00:55:17.960was also, yeah, being part of the group, the family, seeing everyone reconnecting. I wanted
00:55:24.800all of it. I needed all of it, I thought. So on that Saturday of when the funeral was supposed to
00:55:32.040I was walking around the Berkeley Platz flea market, which is something I do often. It's one
00:55:40.100of my happy places going to flea markets. And as I wandered, I walked by a stack of records
00:55:45.500that was at a stand that I'd bought things from before from this lady. And I'd never seen her
00:55:50.420have records before. And so it was, you know, leaned on its side. It wasn't face up. It was,
00:55:56.220yeah like leaned against the wall kind of thing I'm not describing that well but
00:56:01.220I look over there and the record on the top and the front was Mussorgsky's pictures at an
00:56:09.080exhibition and this is a piece of music the piece of music that Dr. Fuhrman had introduced me to
00:56:15.540they listened to classical music and you know they always had it on in the house and so I
00:56:21.520learned about that really from them but I don't remember being really into I know he would you
00:56:27.360know talk I would ask him a question about a piece of music or something and I had no clue but he
00:56:33.320would tell me about a composer or a piece and I would listen and then promptly forget you know
00:56:37.260I mean I was interested but I was more interested in the cure the smiths or the psychedelic furs or
00:56:43.640the clash or the b-52s you know all that good stuff from the 80s again dying on that hill
00:56:48.700but pictures at an exhibition was different I remembered it and I loved it and we we talked
00:56:55.120a little bit about it the promenade the piece of music that that strings all of the different
00:56:59.660stories together and I could really feel that it was a story and that's why I think now looking
00:57:07.480back that I really related to it because it was a story and I think I was a story
00:57:11.620lover, a story gatherer, a storyteller back then. And I didn't maybe realize it for many,
00:57:19.740many years. But I think that's maybe why I really related to that piece of music. So
00:57:24.320I actually loved it so much that I went to Rock Bottom Records in Portsmouth, New Hampshire,
00:57:29.360which is where I was living when I was going to school at the University of New Hampshire,
00:57:33.280awesome city. And this was an amazing record store that sadly is not there anymore.
00:57:36.860And I ordered, I ordered pictures at an exhibition on a cassette tape so that I could play it in my car, in my British Racing Green 240DL Volvo.
00:57:57.360and I was just thinking too that you know if you're a real like classical music person you
00:58:03.740would say well which recording you know this orchestra that person the trio that whatever I
00:58:08.780am I have no clue about that stuff and so I'm sure if I listened to three different recordings
00:58:14.240one in a row I would be able to say oh this sounds a little different it's like drinking wine I like
00:58:19.220wine I know some wines that I like but unless I drink them all in a row I'm not going to be very
00:58:25.200good at being able to, you know, tell you the difference and remember. So I don't know which
00:58:31.440recording it was, but it was pictures at an exhibition. And people would get in the car,
00:58:36.820I remember, and I had this, you know, these tape boxes, right? It was like they'd fit into it and
00:58:40.560you zipped it and had a little like a wrist handle and it would sit in the back seat of your car or
00:58:44.860on the floor behind the driver's seat. And people would get in to, you know, say like, oh, what
00:58:48.740should we play? And they'd look and all the other music made sense, you know, my mixtapes and
00:58:53.780my, you know, purchased tapes, like in excess. Oh, that was a really good one. The first three
00:59:00.060in excess albums and probably like, um, outlandos to more little police in there. And then I had
00:59:06.680this piece of classical music and I remember people gave me shit about it. They were like,0.98
00:59:10.320what is this and why? And I would try and make them listen to it. I mean, I would try and
00:59:13.680introduce them to it. And it was, it never, you know, the conversion never happened. People,
00:59:18.200those people with no class and no taste they never never did it so
00:59:21.920so when I saw this record I took it as a sign from Bob from Dr. Fuhrman and I took it as a sign
00:59:34.860that it was okay that I wasn't there or that he was telling me that he knew I wanted to be there
00:59:41.420you know it was a sign from God or the universe or you know whatever and I believe in things like
00:59:51.380that I'm not I'm pretty skeptical skeptical skeptical skeptical I'm skeptical about things
00:59:59.960unless I experience them but then when someone I know and trust experiences something I'll take
01:00:06.260their word for it you know but I'm open-minded completely so but this was so like that was it
01:00:13.640you know and it wasn't like if there was just a classical music record on the thing that I would
01:00:17.840have said oh that's Bob that means you know Dr. Fuhrman says it's okay it was pictures at an
01:00:22.140exhibition I mean who knows that other than you classical music geek people um fabulous wonderful
01:00:29.520people. And so that's how I took it as this sign. I mean, in my cinematic movie life, I, that I
01:00:37.860like to create, I took it home. I took the record home. I poured myself a glass of McAllen 12 neat,
01:00:45.560of course. And I took the record out of the jacket and I lovingly cleaned it and placed the needle
01:00:50.940on the first track and then sat down in my favorite 75 Frank white Italian leather chair that I also
01:00:58.200got at a secondhand store, which is amazing. And I listened. And maybe even I had like headphones
01:01:04.820on the kind that go on over your ears, that real, see, we say cinephile. What do you say for like
01:01:10.120a music file, like a vinyl file? Do you know what I'm saying? Like file P-H-I-L-E. What is that
01:01:14.840called? A person who loves recorded music on vinyl and who sits there, we see them in movies,
01:01:19.280we see people and they just listen to their record. A lot of times their record player's on
01:01:22.980the floor and their records are kind of put all over the place. And they're sitting there maybe
01:01:27.560with like one leg bent, one leg straight out, and they're just listening. And they're singularly
01:01:34.620focused. They're not multitasking. And that's what I pictured that in my mind's eye I would do.
01:01:39.940But reality, I brought it home and put it on the top of the pile of my records next to my ancient
01:01:44.440turntable, and it stayed there for weeks and weeks and maybe even longer. I don't even remember
01:01:49.180specifically when I did play it. I didn't make it a thing. It wasn't cinematic at all. It was just
01:01:54.360real life, you know, between making dinner and not making my bed and, you know, doing whatever else
01:02:01.800I need to do. But I did, and I have since then. And I would love to say that all of this gave me
01:02:10.800closure, that this finding this record and seeing this sign and having this sign gave me closure,
01:02:16.000but it really didn't. You know, finding the record was amazing. And I think, you know,
01:02:20.480thank whatever, right? Whoever, again, universe, God, Dr. Furman, um, for that moment, but I still
01:02:27.560don't know what to do with all the feelings that I have. And I do wonder if you can get closure,
01:02:39.240if you, I mean, of course you can get closure without going to a funeral. There's plenty of
01:02:42.420people who do, but, and would I have gotten closure if I'd gone to the funeral? And what
01:02:47.260is closure they say about it in relationships too and I remember someone wrote something you know
01:02:52.740like a social media thing but a friend of mine and I had talked about closure and getting closure
01:02:57.520and that people owe you closure like in a relationship like you know that person just
01:03:01.140ghosted me or left and they I need to speak to them and I need to get closure and then someone
01:03:05.820had written this thing it's nobody owes you closure like you need to give that to yourself
01:03:09.580and I was like oh that's a really really good point I think I agree with that it sounds like
01:03:14.400a healthy kind of way of looking at things. Nobody owes you closure. So I need to figure
01:03:18.980out what closure is for me. And so the next time I went to Maine, I went to his grave and I brought
01:03:27.020a bottle of whiskey and I sat there and talked to him. And I poured, I poured a little whiskey
01:03:37.340like on the stone. And I remember thinking, this is not a classy thing to do. Like Dr. Furman was
01:03:43.460a classy guy, but I wanted to share it with him because as an adult, the past, I don't know,
01:03:48.26010 years or so when I would see him, like I would have dinner there, you know, when I was home
01:03:51.980sometimes. And he would say, would you like a glass of scotch, which is in America, wet, you know,
01:03:57.740scotch whiskey. And I would say, yeah, I would love that. And we would have a glass of scotch
01:04:02.060before dinner together out on the porch. And it was just this lovely little ritual grownup
01:04:07.000thing that we did. And, um, so I poured a little and I mean, I don't know how else to give it to
01:04:14.160him. But then I felt too, like, you know, is this such a hillbilly thing to do? I mean,
01:04:19.420it wasn't butt out of a can, but, and I do that when I, when I go back, um, I always go back and,
01:04:25.280and then I remember to, then I think like, if you have an open bottle and open container of
01:04:30.540alcohol in your car, it's illegal. Of course. Right. Because I could be drinking from it.
01:04:35.260And so I had stopped by the liquor store and I got this really nice bottle the first time I did it. And then I think the second time, maybe I found like a smaller, maybe I planned ahead and I had like a nice, not night, but an airplane bottle or something. But then the next time I was like, shit, I don't, I don't have anything and I'm not going to pour water. And I like a ritual. And it's not like I'm going to beat myself up wholly about it. And it wasn't like I wasn't going to say hello to him anyway.
01:04:59.080But so I stopped by this place called the Stop and Go, which is this gas station little store that's right there at the intersection as you come into Camden, this flashing red light, the traffic coming off of Route 1 and going into the downtown.
01:05:14.620And I went in there thinking, they must have, maybe they have a little nip, a little something.
01:05:19.700And the people who were there, this man and woman, I said, oh, and it was cheap, cheap.
01:06:07.660And they said, yeah, like we recognize you from the 80s.
01:06:10.140And I said, well, this is for Dr. Fuhrman
01:06:11.740because he died and I'm going to go drink whiskey with him.
01:06:13.600And I kind of told the story and they laughed
01:06:15.080and they said he would be fine with that, I'm sure.
01:06:18.120So that's what I did and that's what I do.
01:06:20.840And, um, I look forward to next time doing that too. And I guess that's sort of given me closure, but I don't know, maybe it's a, maybe it's a work in progress thing. Closure is not a final thing. Maybe closure is a process.
01:06:36.860So I feel like this is kind of the end of my story of sharing with you this journey that I've been on and where I'm going with it.
01:06:51.320And I'm really, really excited about the podcast and where it's going.
01:06:54.800And I've got a million topics and things to talk about.
01:06:57.560And moving forward, I'm going to kind of choose words and topics and ideas and ramble about those.
01:07:07.260And they'll all have something to do with death at some point.
01:07:10.340And, of course, there will be ramblings and digressions because I am the queen of digression, as you have just experienced.0.84
01:07:16.840so one of my best friends another very best girlfriend Heather I just got a call that her
01:07:24.880mom died and this was like just two days ago three days ago I got a text from her ex-husband
01:07:32.040my friend's ex-husband saying and they call me kitten or kitty or kiki in America a lot of people
01:07:37.020do and he said kitten just so you know Heather's mom died and the funeral's tomorrow and so I with
01:07:44.340the time change and stuff, I picked up the phone to call Heather the next day, and it was going to
01:07:47.860be the day of the funeral, which was Memorial Day in America, which is kind of perfect.1.00
01:07:52.900And her mom was called Doris, and she was a Vermont Yankee farmer woman, tough as nails,
01:08:00.180wise, wiseacre, wise Weisenheimer. She was a sassy, sassy one. And I remember I used to think1.00
01:08:06.660that she didn't really like me, but then at some point in time, we shared a laugh about something,
01:08:10.180And then I just realized, oh, we can just take the piss, as the British would say, and just really kind of, you know, wisecracking or just like saying these kind of sassy, sassy things to each other.
01:08:23.100So Heather and I were talking and I asked how she was.
01:08:27.140And she said, well, her brother and her niece were out making the pine box for Doris.
01:08:32.220And I thought, wow, that's one way of maybe getting closure.
01:08:40.180And they talked about that before and just picturing this father and daughter making this pine box for the body of their mother and grandmother in Vermont in this, you know, wood shop.
01:08:51.180And again, cinematic, thinking of selfishly and inappropriately how that would look.
01:08:58.560And that Heather said that she was going to be dressing her mother's body with a cousin that was coming in.0.92
01:09:04.920And me being the jerk that I am said, I hope you're putting in her fancy dress because Doris loved her fancy dresses and we laughed about, you know, blue eye shadow and all these things because she was, you know, a farmer.0.75
01:09:16.580And as you can imagine, dresses and makeup were not things that were things in her life, things she wore.0.97
01:09:23.380and Heather seemed okay having just lost her mother
01:10:14.360But I was thinking that I kind of have something about picturing what they're doing
01:10:19.780and picturing them honoring her in this way and picturing the Vermont farmhouse and the farmhouse
01:10:26.780is Doris and Doris is the farmhouse and the land and the garden and I feel okay with it I feel I
01:10:33.260feel good about it and we happen to have a death salon scheduled for that night just a few days
01:10:39.680ago and this group of strangers that came together some well not all strangers but some people who
01:10:45.540had been there before and some people I know we did a little ritual and we said a little
01:10:49.600a little bit to Doris to send her off um into into what into where um but yeah it's nice to
01:11:03.180think about that isn't it as Heather and I were talking I of course was trying to make her laugh
01:11:09.720but also holding space which has become this kind of buzzword but it's something I've learned a lot
01:11:15.060about doing the death doula training and but just kind of being quiet and saying how are you and
01:11:21.020then being quiet and that's super important and when you can't physically be there and I can't
01:11:26.420just put my arm around her and sit with her and say this sucks or whatever um to be able to do
01:11:31.320that but you know um as much as I'm annoyed with a lot of things about myself I do realize that0.53
01:11:36.860trying to make people laugh or just being a wise ass is so inherently intertwined into every fiber
01:11:44.720of my being that I can't not do it. And I also know that Heather is a really great audience and
01:11:50.660I can make her laugh very easily. And she thinks she's one of my, like, you know, she would be in
01:11:55.620the front of my, if I ever did stand up and she would laugh at anything, you know, she would,
01:11:59.900I could just say, um, good evening. And she would laugh. And so I asked her, I said, oh,
01:12:08.040I have a knock, knock joke for you. I said, do you want to hear a joke? Do you want to hear a
01:12:14.700knock-knock joke. Is this appropriate? Is this not appropriate? And she was like, oh my God,
01:12:18.260you know, and I know that it helped her. And I know that, and I didn't feel like, oh, yay me.
01:12:22.800I, you know, this has helped her and I'm doing this to help her. It helped me too. But I guess
01:12:27.540I was using the tools I had or who I naturally was to, I don't know, connect with her. I don't
01:12:32.440know that a knock-knock joke was really necessarily what I needed to do because that's not really our
01:12:36.380thing, but it just came to me. And the reason this knock-knock joke came to me is because
01:12:41.420Heather is, um, they're of Scottish descent and she's gone to Scotland and her, they had,
01:12:51.160I don't, you know, there's a Scottish connection and I know it's important. And so now I need to
01:12:56.720tell you what the joke is. And now everyone's going to steal this joke, which you can, because
01:13:00.100it's really good. And the first time it was told to me was by another one of my dearest, dearest,
01:13:04.180dearest friends, Jeannie, who lives in San Francisco. And it was told to her by a five or
01:13:09.240six-year-old, her like favorite kid in the world. And just so you know, this little kid has a tiny
01:13:14.140bit of a lisp. Okay. So here's, I'm going to say it like it was told to me. So another game of
01:13:20.600telephone. So I say, knock, knock. And then you say, who's there? And I say, dishes. And then you
01:13:28.460say, dishes who? And then you say, dishes, Sean Connery, open the door. And I guess without the
01:13:37.360lisp, it would be, this is Sean Connery, open the door. Anyway, not good at that impression,
01:13:43.420but I love a stupid joke. I love a good joke. And so she didn't laugh as much as she normally0.99
01:13:48.820does. And I said, I'm sorry, was that not a good enough joke for you?
01:13:54.740And she said, no, I'm laughing on the inside. Oh my gosh. And it was just so funny. And then
01:13:59.140I was thinking about, thinking about music and thinking about, you know, if they were going to
01:14:04.640be playing music or not. And I was thinking, and I said to her like, you know, man, you people,
01:14:12.100you Vermonters, it's probably country music, right? Like not that new country, but because
01:14:17.680I mean, I can't, I can't, but I just thought I want to, I want to listen to some music
01:14:22.820and think about Doris. And, and I thought, yeah, old time, old time country, definitely.
01:14:29.660And I didn't bring it up to Heather after we were rambling about jokes and everything else, but when I went home, as I was going home and I put my earphones in, I was thinking and I thought, Patsy Cline, a little walk-in after midnight, that feels like Doris, a little Johnny Cash after that.