Unlearn16: Class is in Session - The One Where I Step into The World of Relationships...Armed with Common Sense and a Solid Joke

00:00:00.000 class is in session hey everybody and welcome to unlearn 16 class is in session guys we're

00:00:08.360 going to go a different route today a different road we i have with me kaylee krista who is

00:00:14.780 amazing on tiktok we met each other through tiktok listening to her content and her

00:00:19.420 relationship expertise that's the interesting part and you you spend a lot of time let's be

00:00:26.560 honest grabbing men kind of by the scruff of the neck and not just just giving them a strong shake

00:00:34.240 yes yes is that the best way to describe what's going on over there you know i try to i kind of

00:00:41.600 like to think of it as trying to translate between you know husband and wife and boyfriend girlfriend

00:00:50.000 or you know partner relationship whatever that might be and whatever that looks like for everybody

00:00:55.440 because you know i think sometimes we're a little too close to it it helps when we can we can send

00:01:02.080 something that's like you know what this is something that i've been wanting to communicate

00:01:06.400 to you but i just didn't have the words um and sometimes it's easier right when when somebody's

00:01:12.960 kind of forced to watch a video as opposed to getting an argument where somebody's defending

00:01:19.840 themselves or you know that's really what i want to do at the end of the day is is kind of help

00:01:24.640 people communicate and i came from the public construction world where i listened to men

00:01:31.200 complain about their wives all day right and it always just amazed me they all had the same

00:01:36.720 problem you know what i mean so that's that's kind of how it started i love it you know the book and

00:01:41.120 i want to start here and then i'm going to roll into i want some top 10 construction complaints

00:01:45.920 but you know the book everybody knows this book men are from mars women are from venus i use this

00:01:51.520 book is a reference point all the time as i don't think men are from mars women are from venus i

00:01:58.340 think we sent them there oh i love that i i think we decided we are going to construct women this

00:02:05.800 way and send them over there and construct men this way and send them over there and then be

00:02:09.820 shocked when they don't know how to have conversations with one another right and a

00:02:16.920 lot of people come up to me and be like you know well you don't have you don't date men i'm like

00:02:20.820 listen, A, I did. I did date men. But B, it doesn't mean I don't have any men in my life.

00:02:27.520 Like, there still is, you know, differences. And there's, in my opinion, I honestly believe

00:02:36.860 they are much more societally created. So we talk about gender, we talk about all those things,

00:02:41.920 much more societally created than they are this natural expression of testosterone and estrogen.

00:02:49.520 I mean, testosterone doesn't make you put your socks beside the seat when you're sitting down.

00:02:55.820 You know, estrogen, it just, that's not how it manifests, right?

00:03:00.060 We've built that.

00:03:01.880 We've built that.

00:03:02.860 Okay, so let's do five.

00:03:05.620 Can you give me the five top or the top comments you get from men?

00:03:09.760 I like this angle first. 0.65

00:03:11.840 Give me your top comments about what men say about women on the construction site. 1.00

00:03:16.060 okay so number one was she always nags me and wait because you're gonna see how some of these

00:03:23.100 contradict one another right so she's always nagging okay um we never have sex yeah um

00:03:33.180 you know she always wants to talk to me when i'm trying to do something else she doesn't want to

00:03:38.320 say anything until i turn on the game or until i'm you know playing a video game or whatever it may

00:03:44.440 be and then we have you know she tells me I don't parent enough and then when I

00:03:50.500 try and discipline the kids she tells me I'm doing it wrong right and then but

00:03:57.940 she's always she's always after me she's always after me she's always telling me

00:04:01.780 I'm doing something wrong right now when so you hear guys saying that I can sit

00:04:09.220 here and I can see some of it play out for the men listening don't think I've

00:04:13.820 never been on your side one time. One time. I can see some of it playing out, right? You can.

00:04:20.240 Absolutely. The problem is you're not seeing the full context. So let's talk about parenting for

00:04:25.880 a second. You have somebody that doesn't parent, but tries to discipline. But that's confusing for

00:04:35.080 men because men were never taught to parent. They were taught, let's be honest, they have two jobs,

00:04:42.720 go make money and discipline. That's your parenting role. So when men and women get

00:04:50.600 together and all of a sudden women expect more, because listen, having kids is like a, you know, 0.60

00:04:56.000 a full contact sport. And she doesn't know what she's doing anymore. I think this presumption 1.00

00:05:03.220 that women know what the hell they're doing because they, you know, they birthed them is 1.00

00:05:07.280 somehow hilarious. Like somehow we have, they have a lock on it, which they don't, but they, 1.00

00:05:11.740 but they have a lock on the social expectation of figure it the hell out right right and what you

00:05:18.860 know always kind of it kills me as i see men commenting and and saying things like you know

00:05:25.020 um well nobody's ever here to support men and and at the end of the day i get really frustrated

00:05:31.420 because i agree right a lot of men don't even have the vocabulary yeah there we go to be able to have

00:05:37.660 some of these conversations to be able to say you know how do i be an emotionally supportive parent

00:05:45.340 and i think sometimes i really can sympathize with the struggle of being the one that's

00:05:51.180 maybe expected to earn right especially if that's not the expectation coming from their partner

00:05:56.620 that's the expectation coming from the world and what they've conditioned they've been conditioned

00:06:01.180 to believe they are is a provider so you know they're i can sympathize with the fact that

00:06:08.620 because they're always at work and so they're not the one at the soccer game your child is

00:06:13.740 naturally gonna look at mom as being the one that's always cheering them on yeah my frustration

00:06:19.900 is we can't be the ones to bring you into these conversations right and a lot of times when we

00:06:26.380 try to we're labeled as you know we're nagging you or we're getting on top of you or we're never

00:06:32.300 happy why is it always the the women's job to kind of fight for men to be conditioned differently we

00:06:40.360 need men to fight for that and we need to do it together right we need to do it as as humans at

00:06:45.700 the end of the day um and that's that's where my frustration comes in is is when they're sitting

00:06:51.320 they're going well you know no one's no one's talking about how we're not brought up that way

00:06:56.840 we want to have those conversations you don't always want to have those conversations right

00:07:01.720 right i think and i a lot of uh psychologists would agree that that by i think the age of five

00:07:09.720 75 of who you are is who it's set yeah look at that and we wait till marriage to try to change

00:07:17.640 people right we've done lost the plot of the movie it's too too much time has passed but here's my

00:07:28.360 problem with with some you know from the we call women the fairer sex what do we call guys

00:07:36.360 i had so many bad things run through my head exactly the angrier sex the strong sex stronger

00:07:43.480 sex i don't know if that's true have you ever seen a guy pass a kidney stone no i would argue that

00:07:49.000 it's not even remotely true but i've heard them call themselves that well my problem is you look

00:07:55.000 to the guys and then you say listen we want to change kindergarten we want to change identity

00:08:01.640 we want to create a more a stronger fluidity of gender and expectations right we want to do those

00:08:09.000 things so that your sons and your daughters have this much more holistic amazing sense of self and

00:08:16.840 sense of emotionality and and a lot of the times it's the guys who are like wait a minute you're

00:08:23.960 gonna turn my son into a insert horrific euphemism and that's what really kills me is and you make

00:08:31.240 such a brilliant point because when these kids are growing up and they're still exactly that

00:08:37.080 their kids they're nowhere ready for marriage or relationships or anything like that and already 0.92

00:08:42.200 the worst thing that we can call them is a girl or a insert you know uh female anatomy um and so 1.00

00:08:53.240 we sit there and we go then we expect them to have the skills of a mother when being a girl 0.98

00:08:59.480 was the worst thing they could be there we go and that just you know this is something that

00:09:06.520 we're society isn't helping right this isn't and so i would never say oh it's all the man's fault

00:09:13.400 i'm just saying we need to be able to look at these from different perspectives and i think

00:09:17.560 that's one of the the amazing things about social media about what you do with your content about

00:09:22.600 what a lot of content creators do is listen let's look at a different side right yeah how do we how

00:09:31.320 How do we expand that? And it's funny because as I'm talking about this, you have the trans movement over here and you have such a horrific backlash.

00:09:41.080 And I argue time and time again, it is nothing to do with, to be honest, the trans people are in the forefront of a horrific fight. 0.94

00:09:50.500 But I don't think I, honest to God, don't think it's about them. 0.81

00:09:53.900 I think it's fighting something that that side or that group of people finds far more insidious, which is the belief or the ideology or the reality, in my opinion, that boys aren't born a certain way and girls aren't born a certain way.

00:10:12.620 get the hell out of their way stop telling them who they are let them be who they want to be 0.84

00:10:17.820 that what i just said is horrifically radical and ridiculous and destructive of the biggest 0.98

00:10:26.860 foundation that i think is our biggest failure which is girls over here boys over here please 0.99

00:10:35.420 put on all identifying markers and go through life and live in your function functionally 1.00

00:10:40.540 structural world yeah right it's shaking the foundation and unfortunately the trans person

00:10:47.420 gets to be a symbol like a like a big symbol of that when in actuality people some people will

00:10:54.060 think that i'm trans i am not i have short hair it's not the same thing but i am shaking the

00:10:59.100 foundation of that and it pisses people off and because it's scary right and i i have to wonder

00:11:07.500 sometimes if what scares them so much and what they have so much hatred for is the idea that

00:11:15.100 masculinity can be taken away or femininity can be taken away from somebody and this is the problem

00:11:23.340 with how society has kind of shaped masculinity right as that if you have a moment that you're

00:11:30.240 not looking masculine then you are weak and so they look at somebody from the trans community

00:11:36.340 and they say, wait a minute, if that man can become a woman, then my masculinity is not

00:11:44.720 permanent. And it's not, you know, glued to me. It's something that can be separated. And,

00:11:50.680 you know, that's not, you know, we could pick that apart all day, but I have to sit there and

00:11:56.380 wonder, is that what that radical group gets so frightened by, right? Because these are people

00:12:01.820 that they're just terrified of losing their masculinity.

00:12:05.840 Well, I think it goes to, yes, I think it goes to their masculinity.

00:12:10.100 But again, it's something so deep-seated and so subconscious,

00:12:15.440 they don't even understand what they're fighting about. 1.00

00:12:18.200 And more do women. 1.00

00:12:19.820 I mean, you got to put women in this mix too, 1.00

00:12:22.340 because there's a lot of women on the forefront of this fight 1.00

00:12:24.740 trying to protect their femininity and what is woman and blah, blah, blah. 1.00

00:12:28.400 Right? 0.65

00:12:28.660 And they're all doing something to protect a notion they don't even fully understand

00:12:33.780 because it's so deeply socialized, not deeply genetic.

00:12:39.540 You know, there's nothing genetic about high heels. 0.91

00:12:41.920 There's nothing genetic about, you know, cutting wood.

00:12:46.420 There's nothing genetic about these things that we do. 1.00

00:12:49.740 And proof of that, such easy proof, is how much variance or latitude women are given. 1.00

00:12:58.660 Mm-hmm. I can walk around looking like this for the most part. Some people get upset about my hat, 0.99

00:13:06.020 maybe. But for the most part, it's fine. Want to know what's fine? Because when I'm more masculine,

00:13:11.360 when I'm portraying and when I'm embodying more masculine ideals, guess what I'm doing? 0.99

00:13:18.740 I'm moving up the goddamn ladder. I'm getting better. It's this innate, we've separated men 0.98

00:13:29.360 and women, we've created gender, we've created masculinity and femininity. And then what we've 0.87

00:13:34.140 done that's really done muck things up is we've created a hierarchy of those norms.

00:13:39.360 So when men give it up, whether they're gay men and flamboyant, whether they're a trans woman,

00:13:45.600 whatever whether they become a stay-at-home dad when they give it up people are so incredible 0.79

00:13:53.640 it challenges a power structure that they didn't even know that they were supporting until that

00:13:58.920 started crumbling beneath them right right and I think you know this is another problem is when

00:14:04.420 people hear something or see something that makes them uncomfortable their instinct is not to go

00:14:11.220 educate themselves right it's to kind of run away and say i don't i don't want to hear this i don't

00:14:18.100 want to see this and so i don't want anybody else to hear it or see it either right and you know

00:14:23.460 very rarely will people look inward and say why does this make me uncomfortable

00:14:30.180 because i so you know everything that you're saying these are all constructs at the end of

00:14:36.600 day we you know like you said we don't grow we don't come out of the womb and go you know i like

00:14:42.120 pink dresses no this is something that we're gradually learning um and you know and not to

00:14:51.960 not to kind of go off on a different thing here but it's what amazed me so much when you had

00:14:57.080 somebody like andrew tate enter the scene and start talking about you know young boys and

00:15:03.400 protecting men's mental health and this and that whatever when in reality all he was doing was

00:15:09.900 giving them somewhere to put their anger and say face blame it was a scapegoat exactly

00:15:17.720 and so you're starting to see this like across the board you know in so many different places

00:15:25.020 oh you're angry fine bottle that up and put that over here and they're giving a target so you know

00:15:31.480 when it came to Andrew Tate, well, it was, you know, women are to blame for your issues. 0.68

00:15:36.740 Instead of looking at these, if you, if you cared about men's mental health or young boys at all,

00:15:41.600 you would be sitting here and saying, what is, what is responsible for the way that you feel?

00:15:47.320 Why do you feel as though you're not able to, you know, they say, oh, women don't want us to 0.62

00:15:53.640 be emotional. We can't complain about our problems to women says who? Yeah. That right. No, it was

00:16:00.460 a bunch of people from the time they were children telling them that emotions

00:16:05.260 were for women. The dude shaves his head. Did you hear the story of why? His dad chirped his mom

00:16:14.280 one time of the few times he'd come home about the boys needing haircuts and how disgraceful

00:16:22.420 was that their hair looks like everything andrew tate does is a response and is a is a there's no

00:16:32.340 every psychologist in the world would say oh my god it's all of the trauma his dad caused right

00:16:38.580 all of it all of it and every every time those boys talk you want to see them go crazy say what 0.93

00:16:43.860 i just said to their face you'd get punched in the mouth because how dare you come at their hero

00:16:49.460 their hero that left them in poverty their hero that didn't get a job and take care of their 0.83

00:16:55.140 family their hero that condemned their mother about how they were raised that's your hero

00:17:02.420 right oh well we need we need to open up that can of worms right you don't need to protect

00:17:08.660 but that's what you do with people who are your uh you know abusers who have caused you trauma

00:17:13.620 especially when a very young age you protect them you insulate them and then what you elevate them

00:17:18.500 to god-like status so then you can say well he wasn't perfect but if i hear that he could play

00:17:25.380 chess good one more time i'm gonna lose my god so i have to you're you're romanticizing somebody

00:17:36.900 hit a ball far what do we care who cares just and it's always i love that you said that because it

00:17:44.260 it is. It's just the same talking points over and over, you know, regurgitated and even his

00:17:49.520 supporters regurgitating the same thing. Sure they do. And I look at him and I, honest to God,

00:17:54.580 think, what a broken, broken soul. And I don't say this often in public because, you know,

00:18:01.800 he's Andrew Tate, but I look at him and think, holy shit, what a broken, if you could ever get 0.99

00:18:09.200 past all of the bull crap that he puts on and you could ever get at the damage that was caused 0.99

00:18:18.000 it would be devastating absolutely and all the bugattis and money in the world aren't going to 0.97

00:18:24.320 insulate him from that right that's what he's tried to do well and it's because you're capable

00:18:29.440 of something that he isn't which is empathy right and and ultimately that's the problem

00:18:34.720 it doesn't matter what he says at the end of the day he's showing women as if they're possessions

00:18:39.760 he's showing his bugatti and he's showing his big fancy house and this and that and back to the the

00:18:47.440 you know construct of masculinity where those are the markers of masculinity and and listen to him

00:18:56.120 when you listen to him talk about women it also i mean it's gross how he talks about women but he 0.99

00:19:01.520 could care less he he has no he could care less and you listen to that and you go holy shit you 0.99

00:19:09.920 have no idea what love is you have no idea what what sacrifice means for a family you have no 0.98

00:19:17.540 all of those things you have no because you've had to shut it all down to be who you are to get

00:19:23.320 where you've gone and then to utilize power if he thought men mattered let's be honest he wouldn't

00:19:28.540 be a millionaire want to know why because he wouldn't have used all of those men in order to

00:19:34.100 buy all of those women right it's it it's a ponzi scheme it's a you can have it's he's preying on

00:19:42.520 weak men to make himself preying on weak men using women to make himself rich yeah and you care about

00:19:50.680 men's mental health stop it and that's what really upsets me so the only conversations that we are

00:19:56.960 having about men's mental health are simultaneously making a mockery of them yes you know and

00:20:05.060 imprisoning them in it absolutely and there's no better word there's no better word they're

00:20:11.820 imprisoned in it I think when I look at my young students and I look at what my you know the girls

00:20:17.480 and the young women have the potential to do and then I think about the guys and I'm like

00:20:23.000 you know as much as you can try as a teacher not to put those limitations you you just see them

00:20:29.980 from every single angle being put on them and what their expectations are and what they should

00:20:36.380 look like and how they should act and what a man is and blah blah blah blah and they're all being 0.88

00:20:42.260 geared to this right whereas again women are given this like wider scope because we're allowed to get 0.79

00:20:51.020 better right we're allowed to get more masculine we're allowed and none of this serves a freaking

00:20:55.940 healthy relationship no no none of it but what is i want to talk about this a little bit because i

00:21:03.320 think what's at the foundation people will say to me you know joanna what do you think a healthy

00:21:07.820 like you know you you you and ann are so great what's your health what's your secret i'm like 0.97

00:21:12.740 are you crazy? I was married for 10 years and it was a disaster. It rolled into a horrific

00:21:20.620 disaster. And I'm like, don't think that just because you see me now with somebody and I've

00:21:26.540 somehow gotten it together by 40 frigging seven. Don't think that I wasn't a moron for a long time 0.99

00:21:32.840 and why I was a moron and how I was more, that's a much more interesting conversation. And I'm not 0.99

00:21:37.760 throwing blame on my ex at all because the things that we are taught and that are billed us by age

00:21:45.160 five, when people ask me what you're supposed to do to be in a good relationship, I say go to

00:21:50.180 therapy. Not with your partner. Don't get a partner. You as a person, as soon as you have

00:21:57.720 the money, the capacity, the whatever, go get a therapist. Figure out who you are. Figure out the

00:22:04.920 subconscious things that drive you. Figure out all that Bugatti chess playing trauma that you

00:22:11.340 experienced that you're not going to let subconsciously run your mouth and run your

00:22:17.460 mind and run your heart when you happen to meet somebody. So when you say, oh, I'm attracting all

00:22:24.220 these bad people. No, you're looking for them. You're not attracting them. It's not this law

00:22:31.200 of attraction. You're actually looking it out because those are the only people you're attracted

00:22:34.760 to because you're still broken. You haven't figured out you. Right. And you know, something

00:22:40.340 that always kind of amazes me because I hear something very similar so often, which is women

00:22:46.300 saying, you know, I continue to date the same man with a different head, right? They're the same 0.77

00:22:51.160 people. And it's because we don't think about enough how something just because something feels

00:22:59.080 familiar doesn't mean that it's comfortable. Just because something's familiar doesn't mean it's

00:23:04.740 safe it just means that it's what we're used to and so if we are growing up in a broken home

00:23:12.400 uh you know abusive situation a toxic family environment whatever that may be

00:23:18.840 all of those things well what are we going to go duplicate when we're sitting there and okay the

00:23:26.400 only relationship that we've ever seen modeled the only relationship that we know is one of you

00:23:32.160 know let's use our parents as an example and if our parents had a horrible abusive relationship

00:23:37.040 well that's what we've come to accept as normal and therefore acceptable um a friend of mine was

00:23:44.300 was telling me we we mistake chemistry for positive when having chemistry with somebody

00:23:53.740 is not always a positive reflection of a healthy attraction. It's just what you're attracted to

00:24:02.960 because what your broken pathology is. And I'm going to go you a step further. I'll tell you a

00:24:07.000 little bit about me because I didn't grow up in the fighting. My parents got divorced. Okay. Now

00:24:12.660 a lot of people are like, my mom's like, oh, you're never going to have a good relationship 1.00

00:24:15.780 because we got divorced. I'm like, you know, what's funny. I don't think anything bad about

00:24:19.640 my mom and dad's relationship because I never saw it. I never saw it. Right. So I never really had

00:24:28.080 a lot of concepts of that, but here's something that did break me. Cause a lot of people talk

00:24:33.880 about trauma and a lot of people talk about the really negative, but at the end of the day,

00:24:37.320 not a single one of us has ever been raised by perfect parents. So whatever pathology that they

00:24:43.020 have, whatever problems that they were going to absorb that. And here's mine or here. Well,

00:24:48.920 still is mine I guess my mom has no boundaries when it comes to loving her family because my 1.00

00:24:57.720 mom never chose to get into another relationship so some people are like well she never was in

00:25:01.500 another relationship I said but I did see examples of love and examples of love was how she loved me

00:25:07.340 and how she loved her mom and her dad and her siblings and what she did for my cousins and how

00:25:13.860 she was always there. And no matter what, they could do anything, right? She calls them,

00:25:22.660 they're not around. They need her. She's there. Zero boundaries, any sense of the time. And a

00:25:28.440 love is I am all in all the time. I will never walk away no matter what. And I used to think

00:25:35.960 that's what love was and then i spent 10 years trying to run up that you know and people would 0.98

00:25:44.540 say boundaries i say what are you talking about that's not love and eventually i went holy shit

00:25:53.400 it is love of the most important kind because it's love for yourself before and every so well

00:26:01.700 that stuff before other people but if you don't have love for yourself in a real way i don't mean

00:26:07.500 in a i love myself i'm so loved i mean in a real way meaning i have healthy developed in like

00:26:15.680 articulated boundaries that i will hold on to and if you don't want to live up to that boundary i

00:26:22.340 need to walk away right that's loving yourself that's it and think about how many people can't

00:26:30.480 do that and and you know listening to this is so powerful for me because honestly the way you

00:26:39.380 describe your mother that is very much how I spent most of my life believing that my value

00:26:44.400 was entirely tied to the value that I could provide other people right you know had nothing

00:26:50.720 to do with if I was happy or what I wanted or and I mean still to this day I struggle with it

00:26:57.640 because my instinct is to go back to that place absolutely that i'm constantly having to talk

00:27:03.180 myself through um and you know the second that i started to put up boundaries all of a sudden

00:27:10.040 i was selfish right they they called me selfish for doing what they had always done because very

00:27:16.660 much like you said about your mother when i was calling these people they were never available

00:27:20.840 right you know nobody was ever available to do something for me if i could even get myself to

00:27:27.100 ask for help, which was virtually impossible for me, and continues to be virtually impossible for

00:27:32.980 me. So I can so much relate to that. And it is very difficult when you're trying to, you know,

00:27:40.640 I think about my son all the time. Because as he started to get a little bit older, I had to

00:27:45.840 constantly tell myself, you know, I have to do this, I have to put up boundaries for myself,

00:27:50.840 but I have to put up boundaries, so that he can see healthy boundaries and know what that looks

00:27:56.480 like you know um and oh i'm sorry i was gonna say and how how long did you take do you feel like in

00:28:06.940 your marriage did it take you was it at the end when you finally were like i just need to

00:28:12.440 are you kidding i didn't do that i waited for her to blow it up i would never have done that

00:28:19.600 i say all the time i would never have gotten healthy if she didn't blow it up wow i'd still

00:28:26.020 be on the wheel running. I, a hundred percent, a hundred percent. I have no, I would never have

00:28:33.220 had the awareness and I'll, and I'll go one step further. Cause people will talk about who they're

00:28:37.740 attracted to and who they have chemistry with. And if you're patterning, patterning yourself

00:28:42.100 after somebody with no boundaries, who loves all like that, you have to remember who you're also

00:28:46.960 patterning, who you're going to be attracted to, which are the other people in those relationships.

00:28:52.840 so the person i was drawn to was going to take it consistently was never going to be filled up

00:29:00.580 and satiated by it it was never going to prove enough to her because that was the other half

00:29:06.460 of the relationship you don't just get the one half that was the other half that i was kept

00:29:10.520 learning and that i was then going to be attracted to and and you know have chemistry with or 1.00

00:29:16.120 whatever, you know, that, that little Superman complex that I walked around with of stupidity. 1.00

00:29:23.080 Well, it's something of instinctual codependency that we're looking for, right? Because we have to. 1.00

00:29:29.660 Yes. And when she would say like, I, you know, I can't live without you. I'm like, yes.

00:29:36.600 Yeah. What an asinine. The worst thing, honest to God, I've, and I've learned this and thank God I, 1.00

00:29:43.220 I lucked out because it, like I've been divorced over three years, but

00:29:50.140 when I was in a lot of therapy, I would like therapy, friend's house, call somebody,

00:29:58.260 therapy, another friend's house. I never shut up for like, I would say a solid four months.

00:30:03.780 It's just the way that I process. And thank God I have amazing friends and family and therapists.

00:30:09.620 uh but when i finally got to a place where i'm like okay i feel i feel like i'm not gonna die

00:30:16.100 um you know and eventually when anna stepped in um she was great because she developed because

00:30:24.100 she was much more intelligent than i she developed all these super healthy boundaries

00:30:27.940 that she would literally put on the table this this is one this is a good one so here's the deal

00:30:35.860 I don't need you to do everything with me. I would like you to do things with me

00:30:40.480 If you don't i'm not going to be angry. I'm not going to hold it against you, whatever

00:30:44.820 And she said something to me

00:30:47.280 That I I love and hate all the same time

00:30:50.420 I hate it because obviously i'm still a little broken, but I love it because it's perfect

00:30:54.840 She said

00:30:57.460 If we're not together

00:30:59.460 I'll be fine

00:31:00.980 I love you. I want to we're going to get married

00:31:04.600 you're amazing but if something happens I'm not gonna die without you I'm gonna

00:31:11.440 be fine and I'm like what you gonna you know and then I think about it and I'm

00:31:19.300 like what a horrible broken thing to say that I would die without somebody you

00:31:27.320 know um there it is and it's it's so because i actually you know my my father is in the middle

00:31:36.380 of this brutal divorce and i had this conversation with him because he was actually talking to

00:31:43.660 somebody who had made the statement you know i want you but i don't need you but and that's just

00:31:50.620 you would have thought somebody had put a knife straight through his heart yeah because he had

00:31:56.700 never even considered that love could be anything aside from needing someone as opposed to wanting

00:32:04.040 them yeah and you know he's currently dealing with the emotional pain that he is because that

00:32:12.360 person was taking from him right they didn't they didn't want him they wanted what he could offer

00:32:18.800 and what he could provide for them right and so I'm trying to you know kind of show him how one

00:32:25.980 of these paved the way for the other and at the same time really getting the opportunity to look

00:32:33.100 at myself and say well we know where we got it from you know yeah it unfold in him and and how

00:32:42.140 it unfolded in me and both of my parents very much constantly modeling that um and I think a lot of

00:32:51.880 things do, right? Even media, even books and movies and everything that's so heavily romanticized

00:32:57.380 makes it as though we're going to just stop breathing without that person.

00:33:01.680 And that's not love. And the problem with that love is there's no love for yourself in it.

00:33:08.440 No, it doesn't exist. There's no room. If you can't breathe without a person,

00:33:13.540 you have ceased to exist. If you cease to exist, that is not love. That is something else. But

00:33:19.280 but we've, we've convinced ourselves like, yes, you're right. The media kind of like I had that

00:33:24.520 initial, I think, lesson or indoctrination or whatever as a child, but the media really does

00:33:31.380 pile that on. Right. And then you get to a point and we can roll back to relationships. This is

00:33:37.640 true with men and women. I just think men tend to speak, you know, it's just a little bit different

00:33:42.920 in some capacity about how they're trained to express that. And then, and then you stop being

00:33:48.720 able to articulate the things you need because you've never gone deep enough to understand why

00:33:54.400 you need them. Ever. Men and women. Less so women because we're more likely to sit down and talk

00:34:02.580 with our friends. We're more likely to go to therapy. We're more likely to engage in a lot 0.99

00:34:06.520 of those things to get healthier. You need to take a hell of a lot of time to find out that

00:34:14.500 deeper motivation, right? Well, and I almost feel to a certain extent that we believe that having

00:34:22.080 those needs makes us selfish. Yeah. Before we've gotten to that healthy place with ourselves,

00:34:28.520 we kind of just push things down. And, you know, kind of on that same note, because we don't want

00:34:36.600 to voice them because we don't want to be seen as selfish. We just keep swallowing them until

00:34:41.960 we've convinced ourselves that we don't even have needs right you know as long as i'm giving to this

00:34:48.040 person who is more than willing to take from me i have no need here's the worst line you could ever 0.99

00:34:53.880 hear in the marriage if they're happy i'm happy what a crock of shit happy wife happy life i hear 0.99

00:35:06.440 those words and i'm like oh cringing divorce is gonna be so hard so hard and why is that always 0.99

00:35:15.000 the advice that people love to give you know when when people go to someone and they're like looking

00:35:20.680 for direction and and help and all of these things and it's like listen are they happy then just let

00:35:27.880 it go pick your battles it's like why does it have to be a battle why do i have multiple you know

00:35:36.440 the things that I need to talk about, and why can't we communicate about all of them?

00:35:40.520 I'll tell you why it needs to be a battle, because nobody knows what the hell they're

00:35:43.620 actually fighting about.

00:35:44.860 It's so true.

00:35:46.300 You know, when I was a kid, you might tell my ASL story all the time.

00:35:49.580 Mom's like, can you stop telling student stories about me?

00:35:52.360 When I was a kid, I had a lot of shoes.

00:35:55.220 Shocking.

00:35:55.760 I'm still that way today.

00:35:57.120 But when I was a kid, I used to leave them by the front door.

00:36:00.700 So beginning of the week, one pair would be there, two, maybe a pair of boots, blah, blah,

00:36:05.220 blah. 1.00

00:36:05.360 by friday my mom walks in can't open the door for the shoes and she loses her goddamn mind 1.00

00:36:10.640 right joanna move your shows are all in the front of the door blah blah blah so we have a fight 0.95

00:36:15.600 about shoes it is never a fight about shoes yeah you have the fight about shoes and please

00:36:21.680 extrapolate to everything involved in marriage but you have the fight about shoes but it's never

00:36:25.520 about the shoes it's about responsibility you need the other person to take it's about leniency you

00:36:32.320 you need the other person to have. It's about whatever sort of priorities that you have

00:36:38.620 created in your life. And by the way, you probably haven't created them. Again,

00:36:43.760 they're firmly embedded in you. You didn't even know where you got them from.

00:36:46.940 Right. And all of those things are operating subconsciously. So when we have a fight about

00:36:52.500 the shoes, eventually we settle it. I'll put my shoes away. I'm so sorry. And I won't yell anymore

00:36:58.380 because i shouldn't yell when i walk in the house we'll have it again next week see you saying bat

00:37:03.260 time bat channel next week because we're going to do the exact same dance right because getting

00:37:08.860 to the subconscious takes such insane work and self-awareness that most of us are never told to

00:37:19.260 get and once we become adults let's be honest have seemingly less and less time to dedicate

00:37:26.860 right and sometimes money money's also a factor absolutely and i think then there's also this

00:37:33.660 this element of respect right why do you not love me care enough about me or respect me enough

00:37:41.420 to remember to put your shoes away and so then i think here starts to become a breakdown of

00:37:48.620 people in relationships um and i mean really whoever's at home the majority of the time is

00:37:55.340 the one that's going to most likely feel this way or or i should say not home most but does most of

00:38:00.620 the household obligations it's gonna feel as though everybody else is always at the forefront

00:38:06.380 of their mind and so the idea that somebody cannot remember to put the shoes away when they have no

00:38:11.820 choice but to remember to get you know uh this one's favorite cereal and remember to make this

00:38:17.420 one's dentist appointment and you know do this one's laundry yeah and say listen i thought about

00:38:23.180 what you needed all day and you couldn't think about the one thing that i needed and that's

00:38:28.940 that i believe is what starts you know ignites great point so many of the arguments that happen

00:38:35.820 it's a great point and whoever is leaving the house to work like if you have a situation where

00:38:41.020 you know you have somebody at home um or even just that one person handling more of the home thing

00:38:45.980 that person that's at work thinking about work stuff and they have to right whatever their job

00:38:51.580 is right i'm dedicated i'm focused on work stuff i'm not focused on work stuff i get fired from

00:38:56.060 my job we can't do any of the home stuff so i need to be focused on that but i think that's

00:39:01.020 a fantastic way to describe it and i think everybody would understand this because i know

00:39:05.900 that men and women are like no that's not everybody has older parents or grandparents

00:39:12.940 depending on your age and the first thing they say when you call them after maybe not calling

00:39:19.020 them for a couple days a week you never come and see me you don't put in enough effort you don't

00:39:27.100 love me you don't where why aren't you taking care why why don't you care about me more meanwhile 0.98

00:39:36.940 everybody knows you're like holy crap mom i've been doing 17 000 things i have kids i have band 0.81

00:39:43.580 practice i have my job i have my spouse i have my house i have all of these things and i'm still 0.83

00:39:48.540 making time for you because I love you and I want to be with you and I do care about you,

00:39:52.900 but holy crap, you're not my A1 priority. But all they're doing, all that person is doing

00:39:57.760 is sitting around their house or their retirement home, staring at television,

00:40:03.440 doing what I'm thinking, why don't my kids visit me? There's nothing else. They have no other

00:40:08.580 obligations. Yeah. Right. And so their focus is completely and utterly, it's not ill-intented.

00:40:17.760 It's not to be an ass or to manipulate. 0.86

00:40:19.680 Well, I guess some people might, but for the most part, right. 0.98

00:40:23.740 Different perspective, right?

00:40:25.180 They're sitting in a different place.

00:40:28.460 How would you, so, so if you were going to say, okay, we, we can't go back in time.

00:40:35.120 Well, I did see infinity war.

00:40:37.360 They seem like they made it happen, but we can't go back in time.

00:40:40.180 So we can't change our five-year-old self.

00:40:43.660 Let's say you've been married 10 years.

00:40:45.580 Cause that seems like a pretty magical number.

00:40:47.760 And all of those things have built up, right? The shoes and the, uh, we haven't even talked about sex because everybody has already made the delineation that women want to have sex when they feel emotionally connected. Men want to have sex to feel emotionally connected. We're at an impasse, Rocky.

00:41:05.940 like that's a real if that's true that's a real horrific

00:41:13.180 difference of what we've socialized or whatever however we've got there right that's a real

00:41:23.680 conundrum oh yeah absolutely when sex breaks down we all know like marriage breaks i mean it's

00:41:32.760 intimacy matters well because it's funny because if if we're gonna take that

00:41:39.940 right and we're gonna say okay well women need emotional connection to have

00:41:43.700 sex men need to have sex to feel emotionally connected that sits on a

00:41:47.780 cycle without issue as long as everybody's communicating right and 0.95

00:41:52.800 everybody because it's not until the emotional connection breaks down or the

00:41:58.440 sex breaks down that the cycle falls apart everything just keeps spinning if if we're

00:42:04.120 still communicating right but the problem is is that life gets hard and and bills pile up and

00:42:11.420 you know everything starts okay we've got soccer practice five nights a week and you know your

00:42:17.700 mother wants to come over for dinner twice a week and we've got a sleepover and birthday parties and

00:42:23.300 whatever the hell is going on in everybody's lives and at the end of the day you get into bed and

00:42:29.600 you're like I don't have sex right now yeah I can't even keep my eyes open you know and I think

00:42:35.560 for a lot of couples it's it starts very simple sometimes maybe it isn't this you know oh I resent

00:42:46.200 you or or this or it might not even be something that big it might just be something small I'm a

00:42:50.820 little too tired tonight. And then somebody rolls over, gets a little angry. And then the next night

00:42:57.920 that person's angry because they were angry. And it just, things break down so easily. Right.

00:43:04.420 Right. And I think, you know, and I joke all the time, people say, you know, once you get therapy

00:43:10.820 as an individual and then you enter a relationship, okay, what's your advice for your relationship?

00:43:16.380 I said, and I always say this, I lead with one line. I don't hike.

00:43:23.980 Here's my explanation of that line. We all, men and women, go into relationships with a ridiculous 0.99

00:43:34.040 perception of ourselves, right? Whatever you like, honey, I'm in. You want to go for a hike, 0.91

00:43:43.940 i'm gonna go get those shoes you you know we we create an illusion of what we like and what we're

00:43:51.380 willing to do and what drives us and what we're passionate we create an illusion and we can that's

00:43:57.060 a pretense you're only holding for so long now does that mean i've never gone for a hike with anna

00:44:02.100 no no it doesn't but she knows when i go for a walk i'm like this isn't my jam not even in a

00:44:07.860 little bit but i love you it's okay to compromise it but don't on the front end right

00:44:13.780 do you see what i'm saying i love this and i love i love that you just brought that up because it is

00:44:20.580 something that is not discussed nearly enough right and you know i don't even necessarily know

00:44:28.980 because sometimes it is sometimes we're saying we love to hike knowing full well we don't

00:44:33.740 but sometimes it's a whole it's a different thing altogether where it's like oh my god

00:44:39.880 I'm so happy and everything's so new and exciting and I love you and you know what I never even

00:44:45.540 realized I do enjoy hiking it's not so shitty when I'm with somebody I'm wicked attracted to 0.62

00:44:51.020 in the first six months of early yeah exactly and then six months go by and you go I effing hate 0.98

00:44:57.060 hiking exactly sucked it always sucked you suck and you know it's a bad day hiking shoes are ugly 0.98

00:45:09.360 Yeah, exactly. And then all of a sudden, all of those things. So when you're giving 100% of yourself to every single thing your partner wants to do, and then at some point, that slows. Let's just say it slows. We don't wake up one day and go, I hate you for making me hike. It just slows. And you start making reasons for not going to the hike. 0.98

00:45:32.440 right please i hope everyone understands the metaphor here it's not just about hiking

00:45:35.900 joanna hates the outdoors well i do but um when that slows um your partner whoever it slows for

00:45:46.680 first your partner starts to feel unloved your partner starts to feel like well they really

00:45:54.740 liked hiking before and now they don't want to go hiking it's obviously about me it's not about

00:45:58.640 hiking because they always said they liked hiking yep there it is and there's the increments of

00:46:04.600 starting to feel abandoned and because none of us have dealt with our childhood trauma 0.99

00:46:08.960 those abandonment issues ring real real loud and all of a sudden make us act like an idiot 0.88

00:46:14.480 afterwards and again none of us are we we're not really aware of any of this on this the conscious 0.67

00:46:20.740 level so it just drives us subconsciously until we're in a fight about shoes at the door

00:46:26.960 Absolutely.

00:46:27.840 And, you know, I say this all the time.

00:46:30.400 And if somebody has seen videos of mine, they will have heard this before.

00:46:34.380 Resentment is the only thing you don't have to work at, and it never dies.

00:46:38.960 And love, you have to work at, and it can die real quick.

00:46:43.260 You know what I mean?

00:46:44.660 It's just the way that it is, as unfortunate as it may be.

00:46:48.440 and you're so right because i truly believe that every single one of us struggles with

00:46:55.200 abandonment issues yeah of course we do that's the most beautiful analogy because it is the second

00:47:02.340 you you don't like hiking anymore it's oh that used to be one of our favorite things we did

00:47:08.720 together or oh they don't want to spend time with me anymore there we go we used to have so much fun

00:47:14.620 together and we you know the relationship used to be fun and all of these things start to pile up

00:47:20.460 well at the same time the more committed you you become the more of life you start to face

00:47:28.720 together and the harder the big picture is overall anyways and i think the fact that these things

00:47:34.440 happen simultaneously yeah it's overwhelming yeah um i joke because people say well what do you and

00:47:42.460 Anna have in common? I say absolutely nothing. I'm not joking. Those are the best. If you put

00:47:49.760 us in a room, you could ask us just like blind questions. Like, okay, are you thinking about

00:47:56.020 blue or purple? We will say the opposite instinctually. And I joke with Anna and I say,

00:48:03.420 but we just take turns doing what the other person likes and what I hate because I love them.

00:48:08.860 But we're always honest about it. There's the key. The key is, if you can be honest with yourself, huge step one. And then if you can be honest but respectful with your partner, that's it. Honest and respectful.

00:48:25.880 I mean, when I say honest, I mean, you don't need to be a dick, but honest about, listen, 0.93

00:48:32.380 that's, you know, that's not my kind of thing, but I adore you. 0.78

00:48:36.700 I'm going to give it a go, but it's not, it's probably not my thing.

00:48:39.480 I'm not into it.

00:48:40.700 Like Anna watched all seven seasons of Buffy.

00:48:43.240 She hated every single one.

00:48:45.600 She watched every single one.

00:48:47.040 And then you know what I did?

00:48:47.880 I watched Roswell.

00:48:49.760 Equal hate of the other thing the person loves, but you do it anyway, but you do it

00:48:55.420 honestly right right right you won't sit there the whole time and pretend

00:49:00.860 that you love everything in the show god i wish anna would pretend one time

00:49:07.820 sometimes i say you just lie to me tell me buffy's not so bad right exactly can you just pretend to

00:49:16.300 support me in this please you know what's beautiful about that you never question if they're lying

00:49:22.060 oh and there's you know especially when you've come from many bad relationships and then you

00:49:28.780 you find somebody in this world that you truly trust to just because they don't lie exactly

00:49:34.380 they don't they don't lie to protect your feelings they protect your feelings while telling you the

00:49:39.340 truth absolutely that's a different goal right right and and i think that that's something that

00:49:46.620 it's almost like i say this all the time and i wish i had a better way to say it but

00:49:52.100 it's like when you find love that's when you know like wait a minute everything else didn't

00:49:58.880 quite feel right until i felt this but until you get there you're just working with the closest

00:50:06.900 you felt to it right whether that be you know lust or infatuation or possessiveness or whatever

00:50:14.520 that is at whatever stage. You have no idea. There's not this feeling. There's no bell goes

00:50:20.120 off in the back of your head. It's the only thing you have an idea of at that time. It's the best

00:50:26.220 you can assess. Right. Right. And sometimes the best we can assess is garbage, guys. Yeah. It's

00:50:32.520 garbage. It's not that this is, oh, this is great. It's just, this is less toxic than before. 1.00

00:50:39.620 It's amazing. And it probably isn't. It's just less toxic for about the first six months.

00:50:44.520 right um can if you could give anybody relationship advice what would be your top

00:50:51.680 three things before we we round this out but don't go i'm gonna and when i end the podcast

00:50:56.320 don't leave because i have off-camera questions i'm not willing to ask on it okay um three pieces

00:51:02.140 of advice i think you know communication is the most single most important thing and and with

00:51:10.260 that comes things like honesty and talking to, do not underestimate.

00:51:16.000 I think a lot of times what we do is at one point we communicated something that

00:51:20.740 mattered and maybe we didn't get the answer that we wanted.

00:51:24.760 And instead of having a conversation about that, we just stopped voicing our needs.

00:51:31.580 And there's nothing wrong with sitting down and saying, you know what?

00:51:37.040 I need to talk about this, or this is important to me.

00:51:40.260 And maybe now isn't a good time or, you know, and going through that, I think that's important.

00:51:45.620 We have to communicate with each other and don't shut down just because you didn't get the response that you wanted.

00:51:51.040 And I know that's easier said than done in certain relationships.

00:51:55.340 I think the second piece, as funny as this may sound, is know that sometimes something isn't worth fixing.

00:52:02.400 You know, I think a lot of us come from.

00:52:05.460 You can't fix that person.

00:52:07.900 you you have zero control actually on them right none and if they don't want to fix it

00:52:15.420 you can't fix it don't don't sit here and say well i love you so i'm gonna give up on what

00:52:22.300 matters to me know when it's over um yeah and don't fall in love with someone's potential

00:52:30.540 or who they were in the past don't don't stay with somebody and say you know like

00:52:35.500 oh yeah one day they used to be someone i loved or one day they're gonna be the person i love

00:52:41.900 um and then i think third is don't underestimate the little things you know what i mean sometimes

00:52:48.780 it's the smallest things that show the most love like anna sitting there watching buffy

00:52:56.140 to somebody else they might think oh you know everybody wants grand gestures

00:53:00.540 no i want you to sit next to me with your arms around me and and we need to stop underestimating

00:53:06.860 if a relationship we've been in it three years five years ten years forty years do not underestimate

00:53:13.500 what giving somebody a hug and saying how was your day means to somebody and i think those are

00:53:19.180 the things change everything really of a vibe right right absolutely absolutely well you've

00:53:26.140 been amazing i would love for you to come back for part two i'm i want you guys to inundate the page

00:53:31.980 with like questions and comments and whatever and then i can pick it back up and i would love to do

00:53:37.980 a part two maybe ask answer specific questions that would be so fun i love that let's definitely

00:53:43.660 i love that idea all right well thank you so much for being here i feel enlightened and a more

00:53:49.420 emotionally mature at as we speak and for my listeners and viewers where can they find you

00:53:55.980 tell them where they can find you i am kaylee cresta everywhere c-a-y-l-e-e-c-r-e-s-t-a

00:54:02.940 on tick tock instagram youtube i'm in all the places and i will put all of that link i will

00:54:09.100 put those links in the in the uh description so everybody can click on it and go find you wherever

00:54:13.980 you are thank you so much for coming and for everybody listening and watching i will see you

00:54:18.540 you next Tuesday. Same bat time, same bat station. Dismissed.

Unlearn16: Class is in Session - April 11, 2023

The One Where I Step into The World of Relationships...Armed with Common Sense and a Solid Joke

Episode Stats

Transcript