00:08:37.380it is not pathological or bad to be sad and go through grief and your friends might not be the
00:08:46.500most helpful people they might be uncomfortable with death they might be dealing with their own
00:08:50.920trauma and so having someone in your life who is there to hold space to use really difficult
00:08:57.480language for your grief and not be made uncomfortable by your grief and really like
00:09:04.280allow you to steer whatever it is that you need and really you know someone who has experienced
00:09:12.420leading spiritual care will have like a toolkit of things that they can offer you in those moments
00:09:18.080in order to get through them and it's why we go to people for weddings like it's a skill running a
00:09:24.560wedding right like because of youtube we can all be our own plumbers to some extent and friends can
00:09:30.020officiate our weddings but like there are times in our lives where for various reasons you do want
00:09:35.660sort of a spiritual care professional to come in what strikes me about that description is i think
00:09:42.140because in part as fewer and fewer people are members of churches and or of other religious
00:09:48.440organizations are what are called broadly nuns yeah right like no no religious affiliation um
00:09:54.800that people have sought that role in therapy right and that you know it might be the difference
00:10:01.820between a therapist and like a psychologist right you know when I hear advertisements for like
00:10:07.660better help and other like apps right a lot of what they're hailing is are you going through a
00:10:14.280tough time yeah do you want to talk to someone right right and then also sometimes people have
00:10:20.200that friend yes who is essentially they're like spiritual caregiver right they're the person who
00:10:27.780really stewards them through difficult times and people have that skill in their friend group
00:10:32.640without ever being trained for it although you probably be even better with it added if you were
00:10:36.220trained but like that that to me is interesting because a lot of what you're describing i'm like
00:10:40.700that's what people i know that's when they're like oh i need to find a therapist yeah not i need to
00:10:47.200find a spiritual caregiver totally i do think that you find spiritual care providers in certain
00:10:52.260settings they are hanging out in hospitals they are attending prisons they are going to places
00:10:59.600where friends have a really hard time showing up um but i'll say because i am i'm an atheist and i
00:11:08.360found out two years ago now that my husband was cheating on me and i found a therapist and we
00:11:13.780found a couples therapist. And I went to my friend who's a priest because part of what I needed to
00:11:19.600figure out is like, what do I feel about vows and promises? What value do I want to hold myself to,
00:11:29.300if any? That was kind of the only place that I could think of where someone would be trained
00:11:36.000in offering me different perspectives on that. And I trusted him. I knew he wasn't going to be like,
00:11:41.100we'll vow to God, right? Like stay in bad marriages. But I just think that, yeah, there
00:11:46.880are moments where we feel like we need some sort of spiritual care. Have you had a moment where
00:11:53.380you're like, I feel like I need to talk to someone about something that it's like not therapy. I just
00:12:02.320need to pour out my heart. I think that, interestingly, writing often is that thing
00:12:10.920for me. Yeah, totally. Right? Like writing is my spiritual care. Yes. I would call it a sacred
00:12:16.620practice. It's an imperfect modality. And even when I was growing up in the church, like my
00:12:25.040my pastors were very important people to me but they were not that place for confiding and
00:12:33.980I think much more like there were youth leaders in my church and stuff like that who became that
00:12:38.480for me yeah but I think what we're both pointing to is just a paucity yeah of providers yeah
00:12:45.640and so we turn to one person in our lives and that could be a therapist or it could be a friend
00:12:52.940or it could be a partner who then becomes like it's too much for any one person I think most of
00:12:58.820the time. The other thing about going to a chaplain is that often it's for a much shorter time period
00:13:03.700so you're a therapist right part of therapy is having a certain kind of relationship and a
00:13:08.640certain kind of dynamic with your therapist and trust has to be built over time in order for
00:13:13.560projection to go a certain way right but with when you go in theory to a chaplain it's like I'm going
00:13:20.120through this hard time and having someone who has no vested interest in your life is actually
00:13:26.320really helpful going to my minister friend who like he doesn't care long term in the best way
00:13:34.320whether or not I stay married he has as much context as I want to give him and no more and
00:13:41.360so having these people sort of come in for brief moments I do think is just it's a helpful extra
00:13:47.980a perspective sometimes. Yes, absolutely. So we're going to get into our questions from listeners,
00:13:54.220which are actually really fantastic. So this first one comes from Catherine.
00:13:59.020My question is, what makes some rituals feel profound and meaningful, while others feel
00:14:03.460empty or performative? Is it the symbolism, the shared experience, the historical weight,
00:14:09.000or something else? Okay, so what comes to mind when you think of like a performative
00:14:14.900communal ritual so i do think that this is all in the eye of the beholder there was a really
00:14:21.820interesting thing that happened at harvard divinity school a tree got chopped down and
00:14:28.500there were two really big reactions to this some people felt as though this tree was murdered
00:14:33.060and that there was like deep corruption around the tree being murdered in order to make space
00:14:38.900for a building and that capitalism had murdered this tree and the authorities have lied and then
00:14:44.000half of the people were like, that's a flipping tree. And like, we love trees and let's replant
00:14:48.480a tree, but who cares? And there was a funeral for the tree. And there were people at this tree
00:14:54.600funeral weeping. And there were people on the outside of the circle being like, this is the
00:14:59.720most ridiculous thing I've ever heard and seen in my life. And so I do think sometimes, not all the
00:15:05.500time, but I do think that there isn't necessarily a secret formula. We'll talk about some formulas
00:15:11.740to ritual. But I do think sometimes it comes down to taste. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean,
00:15:19.040I think about the act of communion within the Christian church, and how it's like incredibly0.88
00:15:24.700macabre to be like, you are literally consuming the body of Christ and the blood of Christ.0.85
00:15:31.460And yet, for me, you know, I don't believe in substantiation anymore, which is the transfer of
00:15:39.860the the belief that it is actually the literal body and blood of christ but i do
00:15:46.180love the squishy little bread like because it like it is a ritual of my childhood that that
00:15:53.920brings it a comfort and like the various calls and responses from the church and i think though
00:15:59.160that that is also a matter of taste some people are traumatized by their church upbringing and
00:16:03.860are like if you make me take communion i will run out of this church screaming right right right
00:16:08.720right but even just like it's in bad taste to drink the blood of your god i don't know um
00:16:15.780but there is or even that it's bad it's in bad taste for us to be laughing about0.90
00:16:20.700you can get away with it more than i can i atheist jew i'm not laughing guys
00:16:28.240but that that does make sense to me because even something like the pledge of allegiance i think to
00:16:35.100a lot of people apart from like the jingoistic nationalistic component like they feel like it's
00:16:41.580tacky yeah or like fascistic to put your hand over your heart right and also talk about no
00:16:47.260separation of church and state one of my best friends did write a book called the power of
00:16:51.760ritual casper cheryl yes yes and he fan yes me too and he talks about with ritual that it's
00:16:58.600intention attention and repetition yes and so i do want to say that like those are the three things
00:17:04.440that we would say are like part of a well-structured ritual but that doesn't necessarily
00:17:09.420mean that it like feels good it can still feel empty okay a great example of this i think is
00:17:16.280there are a lot of peloton instructors yeah and yoga yoga instructors um athletic instructors
00:17:21.960just generally who have rituals built into their practice yes and so sometimes like one of my
00:17:30.580favorites christine it's i am i can i will i do and she oftentimes during rides like it's like
00:17:38.400sometimes it's prolonged and you know what's coming and like she has you do visualizations
00:17:43.620of it like all of this sort of thing i love her that to me does it just doesn't work yes right
00:17:49.620it just it is not my taste in ritual but then there were other things like there is like a
00:17:55.660visualization that she does that I'm like this works for me right and it doesn't mean that that
00:18:02.520person and their ritual is bad it just means that it does or does not work for you right and like
00:18:10.320she's very much hailing a certain type of person with her ritual yeah I have the same thing with
00:18:16.620Robin who I love and whenever she's like you're doing this for your ancestors I'm like no I'm not
00:18:22.320lady my grandparents could not care less if i hit my tabaticals i love you no one of my students
00:18:33.620for her final project designed a funeral for diet coke and it ended up and she did it on purpose to0.98
00:18:41.340be silly right yeah but she was like she did the math on how much plastic like how much just like
00:18:47.380truly environmental catastrophe has happened because of diet coke in terms of straw use and0.86
00:18:52.820plastic use and water use and that it is designed to have no nourishment yes um and she had everybody
00:19:01.460who liked diet coke like say something about diet coke and it was this really beautiful metaphor
00:19:08.200about how if we are going to be committed to trying to have a better planet we're gonna have
00:19:13.820to sacrifice things that do matter to us and it is gonna have to hurt and it had an intention
00:19:20.460it had a tension and the repetition that it had was like it followed a funeral format and it was
00:19:27.360very silly and also i i like didn't do a poll afterwards but the class i was very moved and
00:19:34.200the class felt very moved and i feel like if you tell people today i went to a diet coke funeral
00:19:38.800that would be not to a lot of people's taste right but it can be it can become incredibly0.97
00:19:45.500meaningful yeah i personally love like on you if you tell me about some corny shit that's gonna
00:19:52.760happen i'm like but then like you go and you say nice things about each other and then i'm like oh
00:19:58.700that was really meaningful like i really appreciated it right so i think sometimes there's that
00:20:04.660separation between like you say out loud what a diet coke funeral is yeah is different from
00:20:11.000the experience itself I personally experienced this with like praise music in the Christian
00:20:18.120church like if you look at the lyrics or like the style and now that I have distance from it I'm like
00:20:23.540oh my gosh like I said gosh purposely there to not be blasphemous I guess um and but when I was
00:20:32.220in it right like nothing was more moving yeah like the moment at the end of singing um our god is an
00:20:38.160awesome god when you all like we all would get super quiet and then yell jesus and it would echo
00:20:43.020across the lake like the height of meaning right but now that's not meaningful to me i guess our
00:20:49.560question here is like what makes it work i don't know like i do think some technical stuff right
00:20:54.820like a good ritual needs to have a beginning and an ending and all the mini parts within it need
00:21:00.240to have beginnings and endings like it has to be sort of clear and I do think that any good ritual
00:21:07.160has a moment for people to connect with each other whether it's turning to the person next
00:21:11.340to you and saying like go in peace right but all of that is like necessary but not sufficient
00:21:16.460if you're gonna be disgusted by it and therefore be taken out of it totally like it doesn't matter
00:21:22.300how well designed of a ritual it is how well intended of a ritual it is I also think if the
00:21:27.300ritual has a goal outside of the ritual that right like if it's we're gonna do this ritual
00:21:33.900because we're trying to convert you we're gonna do this ritual because we want to sell something to
00:21:37.840you right right right the ritual needs to be about itself yeah that's interesting how do you with
00:21:46.400like your pilgrimages yeah the stuff that you do with common ground pilgrimages like how do you
00:21:51.620incorporate ritual into that so we um if you sign up to go on a literary pilgrimage for like
00:21:59.560six days with strangers you've self-selected into a certain kind of thing right so there's that i
00:22:07.460would say we for the most part under ritualize so we have like a welcome game that we play and
00:22:15.320then we have certain practices that we do every night where you share your favorite quote from
00:22:20.520the day either that someone said a moment a quote from the text and it's based on the medieval
00:22:27.300christian reading practice of florilegia but also we all know what quote journals are
00:22:31.520and then i will say i bring a level of cynicism that i think is actually helpful to the rituals
00:22:39.480on the pilgrimages our pilgrimages are very earnest and we have an hour of silent walking
00:22:44.060every day and that is because i need an hour of quiet every day and like i'm talking the whole
00:22:50.080time during a pilgrimage. And it is so I am nice to people. And we've like turned it into this
00:22:55.020beautiful thing where I think we all need more silence and to listen to the birds. But it's
00:22:59.120actually just like Vanessa needs quiet time. And then we have, you know, we do something inspired
00:23:06.240by a Seder, but it is just like an intentional dinner with four designed questions based on the
00:23:12.260text. And so we're constantly scaffolding it for people being like, this is inspired by the Jewish
00:23:18.280shader but we're gonna use taylor swift lyrics as like the basis yeah yeah yeah and so i do think
00:23:25.220humor and holding it lightly is key if you're gonna use like big r heavy rituals yeah no that
00:23:34.400makes sense to me i keep thinking about this um on these cycling trips that i go on at the very end
00:23:39.680you just kind of go around and say like what made the experience meaningful and i think oftentimes
00:23:45.920on like trips you don't have the opportunity to actually do that sort of reflection because
00:23:50.660oftentimes it's just you and your partner you and your friend or whatever like you know it's like
00:23:55.120this hotel was cool instead of like I really pushed myself in these ways and like I met people
00:24:01.340that I wouldn't have otherwise and it was like that was really meaningful to me just having that
00:24:06.660opportunity to to vocalize it is but it's very loose like no one's like everyone go around the
00:24:13.020circle and you must say what you are feeling in this moment oh see that is one of the only things
00:24:18.600we're strict about so we assign people to bless another person on the first day and we're like
00:24:26.540so ann you're gonna bless melody and you guys don't know each other we intentionally assign
00:24:31.140people who don't know each other and that way over the course of the trip you have to sort of
00:24:34.700observe melody and we we model what a blessing is which is just like melody i love how prepared
00:24:42.320you are for everything. I think that that is awesome. And what I wish for you is that other
00:24:47.060people take care of you in the way that you take care of other people, right? We model something
00:24:51.240simple, but we do go around in a circle and make everybody say something nice about one other
00:24:57.260person. Okay, I like that. I like that. No, no, no, no. But that's nice about someone else, right?
00:25:02.220Instead of like saying, you don't have to necessarily, at least in the beginning,
00:25:07.220draw from that tremendous well of personal experience and reflection.
00:25:10.940but it's a me we have not done a series of blessings where people don't cry and it is like
00:25:16.400the most skeptical people at the beginning are always the ones who are like what has happened to
00:25:21.380me and i'm just like the ritual worked this is bringing back something from my college years so
00:25:27.000i was in a sorority and sororities and fraternities have a lot of rituals in part because it bounds
00:25:31.320you to each other and also secrecy and like the secret ones are all like oh this is how you tap
00:25:37.700your index finger when you shake hands um but we had a ritual which probably was borrowed from
00:25:45.880in some way from christian foot washing but instead it was you would go up you'd pick someone
00:25:52.460else from the circle and you'd wash each other's hands in the center of the circle and no one could
00:25:57.700hear what you were saying yeah but two people would go up there and it was really used as a0.97
00:26:02.080way to like forgive people fascinating like to kind of like deal with some shit wow yeah because
00:26:11.220it always happened at the end of the year and did you get to pick who's yes you got if you like you0.98
00:26:17.700chose like i would stand up let's say i had some shit with melody yeah i mean come on stand up i0.80
00:26:22.800would go over to melody grab her hand and bring her in and then i would say like whatever i needed0.99
00:26:27.800to say to her did someone's hands get washed like eight times like the the shit stirring person0.60
00:26:34.500like their hands are bleeding by the end but that would be super funny i bet that person didn't even0.72
00:26:40.840show up to the ritual but um and then you know but we used the same music that we used for all
00:26:47.860of our rituals which is enya on repeat on a cd player um but i do like there was no like everyone
00:26:56.300has to get their hands washed everyone has to go up it was just a space right and so sometimes
00:27:00.400what ritual does or provides is a space right yeah a dip school people would say a container
00:27:07.000i had a meeting with someone in a totally like different context and he said vanessa thank you
00:27:13.160so much for creating a container for that i was like oh you went to dip school and he was like
00:27:17.700yes i did 20 years ago and i was like container container not space that is that is how you know
00:27:26.140hey everyone i wanted to tell you about another podcast that i love from friend of the pod sam
00:27:37.320sanders i'm sure you remember him from our semi-controversial bradley cooper episode and
00:27:43.640surprisingly popular episode on that netflix show about the dallas cowboys cheerleaders
00:27:47.920sam's podcast is called wait for it the sam sanders show it's an entertainment show that
00:27:53.960uncovers what makes the culture tick and goes deep with creators who shape what we watch see
00:27:58.440hear and read sam is an amazing interviewer and he is always insightful he always has like
00:28:05.320i don't know he has that like particular skill of being able to really segue between topics
00:28:11.100this is like i'm always like great segue like sam just does it uh he's super funny he i think is
00:28:18.600unlike most people that I hear on podcasts, I love the show. So go check out The Sam Sanders
00:28:24.800Show. It's from KCRW. It comes out every Friday. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.
00:28:36.420Okay, our next question gets at something that I've heard as a lot of millennials have left
00:28:41.440religion. This comes from Katie Rose. My friends and I often lament the lack of community building
00:28:46.820for non-religious folks. My sister became very Christian in college and then returned to unsure
00:28:52.220about religion a decade later, but she learned how to build and create community in the church
00:28:57.100and it truly serves her. Our neighbors just immigrated here and already have a huge support
00:29:02.200system through their church, while we struggle to find anyone to help when we need it. Is there
00:29:07.480a secular version of church we're just unaware of? How do we build community? All right, I think
00:29:13.240about this constantly especially as i'm finishing my book on people building community and friendship
00:29:18.880and i've seen this actually most acutely with the guys that i've interviewed and my theory
00:29:26.640is that guys in particular do not have models of intimacy that aren't around like guys hang out
00:29:36.300side by side instead of face to face right except for if they were raised in a religious tradition
00:29:42.300where once a week they got together and like read their religious text and talked about their lives
00:29:47.060yeah and so guys who grew up in that or are part of it still have a lot of practice or modeling or
00:29:56.120just like had internalized that like oh it's okay for guys to get together and talk about their
00:30:01.820feelings like sometimes we use a religious text as the way we interpret our feelings yeah but
00:30:08.220otherwise like we can sit face to face and talk about these things and like pray for one another
00:30:13.200like praying for one another is a tremendous act of intimacy right allowing yourself to have someone
00:30:20.920else like speak to a larger power about what they wish for you as we were just just referencing with
00:30:26.860the blessings right so I absolutely agree with learning a lot of those skills like even my least
00:30:35.220favorite part of church when you at the very beginning when you greet the people and you just
00:30:41.800are like good morning like you just have to walk around and be like good morning good morning
00:30:45.920also a very good skill yeah um and for some of those people the only time someone is touching
00:30:52.320them that week yeah right yeah or showing up to things even though you know that that annoying
00:30:57.760person is going to be there yeah but that annoying person is part of what makes the community like
00:31:01.800there's so many things that I think you learn from being part of these organizations so what
00:31:07.780is your thinking on things that serve a similar role yeah I just want to say like I think what0.93
00:31:17.080you were just talking about can't be overstated Mormonism is pretty horrible to women and queer
00:31:22.400folks and black people right and the state of Utah has like the highest literacy rate and the lowest0.73
00:31:29.420homeless rate right like it's just both and the the hope for me is to like take the good and leave
00:31:39.100the bad to the best of our ability um and so there are some places and casper in his book power of
00:31:46.460ritual talks about this in his book places like crossfit right like there are places where you
00:31:52.260can leave where you currently live join another crossfit box and like people will take care of
00:31:58.060you yep there's a pay-to-play angle there it's like a little complicated and it's not my thing
00:32:03.820but it really means a lot to a lot of people and I think serves really similar needs and there are
00:32:09.980all sorts of spaces like that I do think that there are if you live in a big city there is
00:32:15.720someone trying to do this there are a lot of alternative communities that people are trying
00:32:21.640to create to do exactly this ethical societies we have local groups that meet to treat like
00:32:28.920taylor swift is sacred together and we always try to encourage people you know you're you're
00:32:33.960bonding over your love of a secular thing and then we try to steal the good bits of the spiritual
00:32:40.160technologies to help people bond over the secular thing yeah um but like i really do think the way
00:32:48.800to do it now is to do it based on something that you love because then you will stick with it. So
00:32:57.720if it's Taylor Swift, join a Taylor Swift fan club and meet in person so that if someone in your
00:33:05.140group breaks their leg, you can bring them soup and same to you. But like if it's volunteering
00:33:10.580at a library, no matter where you move, there will be a library and then you'll have a skill
00:33:14.980to offer but you're more likely to stick to whatever if it is something you genuinely love
00:33:21.660yeah and so you know we talk about something as sacred if it has these three components which are
00:33:27.860faith rigor and community and faith means the more time you spend with it the more gifts it will give
00:33:34.060you so the more often I cook for a local shelter the more often I cook for the shelter the more
00:33:40.440gifts it will give me. I cook more often with my kids because of it. I get better at certain
00:33:45.660recipes. I recognize certain people. It gives me more and more. It gives the community more and
00:33:51.400more. Rigor, there are, I have a commitment that I do this once a month. There are months that I
00:33:56.040absolutely feel way too stressed to do it and absolutely don't want to do it, but you do it
00:34:00.780anyway, right? Like, and that is rigor. And then community, I get my kids in on it with me. And
00:34:06.180like if I had to do it alone I wouldn't do it alone you need a buddy um and if I didn't have
00:34:12.400people relying on me on the other end right like I wouldn't do it and cooking is one of my sacred
00:34:18.380practices I love to cook it calms me down I listen to music and so finding something you love and
00:34:24.540then bringing those three things of faith rigor and community I think is how you start and then
00:34:30.440this place would notice if I went missing right like yeah if I didn't show up on the first Monday
00:34:36.480of the month yep and if I moved to another city I would find another shelter and know how to be
00:34:41.360helpful pretty quickly and so I do think there are other ways it's different it's different church
00:34:47.140offers something unique it just church also has a lot of bad stuff yeah so yeah and there you know
00:34:55.420there are churches like I've a lot of my readers talk about getting plugged in to churches that
00:35:02.840have a lot of infrastructure that does things that aren't just related to the belief system
00:35:09.940yeah right so like people who are atheists who belong to a church because of the social justice
00:35:16.340work yeah it does absolutely right I know that there are churches in my area that do this and
00:35:21.080that people like and the pastors are they're like that's fine like it's not like you're hiding a
00:35:26.820dirty secret no absolutely and the reality that I think about a lot is that historically there
00:35:32.900have been a lot of atheists who went to church because it's what you did and it was the way you
00:35:37.980plugged into community and I have active concerns about churches shutting down I'm like where like
00:35:46.240where are the blanket drives going to happen where are people going to congregate in an emergency
00:35:51.180like where is the cheap preschool going to happen like all like the churches are spaces that are
00:35:57.560sustainable in part because of their tax exemption which you know i know that that's not unproblematic
00:36:03.300but at the same time they have been able to remain community spaces for things like soup shelters and
00:36:09.680like providing a lot of community infrastructure in a not like i'm going to convert you way i don't
00:36:15.440know if people understand this like how many girl scouts meetings happen in church basements like
00:36:19.900that sort of thing our harry potter and the sacred text groups met in church basements right
00:36:23.620and again i'm an atheist who's like super pro healthy relationships with religion and like
00:36:29.940some of my best friends are ministers and rabbis right these are really important spaces this is
00:36:37.040just like we're just talking about things to do if you don't happen to be religious and a lot of
00:36:42.700people have been severely traumatized by religion and so going back into those spaces it's just not
00:36:47.680an option totally totally one thing that i think about like on my island there is a local grange
00:36:54.020which granges are like um a social club that was historically associated with people who were
00:37:00.820farmers or in ag in some way and but it has the building right like it the building is still here
00:37:06.460and so the grange itself still is alive but it's a social club and it's a great way to meet people
00:37:12.500intergenerationally yeah um to do a lot of like the volunteer work on the island it also houses
00:37:18.200a church it also hosts honky tonks like there is a lot of things like a lot of different vectors
00:37:23.460coming in yeah and that like if you wanted if you move to this island and you immediately wanted to
00:37:29.580get plugged in with people like that's what i would tell like you wanted to be a person who's
00:37:33.460like oh my gosh i need emergency child care yeah someone just to come over and just sit in my house
00:37:38.900for two hours going to that the meetings every month like and talking to people at those meetings
00:37:44.420and doing that that's how you're going to make that structure I do think it's slightly different
00:37:50.560than a church because a church is so desperate for members oftentimes yeah now they like they
00:37:55.480reach out so aggressively that like you get into the fold immediately whereas like I think with
00:38:02.460some other organizations like even volunteering at a at a soup kitchen like it's going to take time
00:38:07.920Yes. And something that we talk about a lot about on the show and I talk about in the newsletter is like, I think we have become very optimized in the way that we think about how these things should work. Totally. And when you don't feel that feeling the first time that you show up at something, you're like, well, if it's not for me, it's not going to work. Right. Instead of, oh, I've been going for a year and it's not working, then yeah, it's probably not going to work. Right. Totally. I mean, I was just going to repeat what you said. You have to be in this stuff for the long game. Right.
00:38:37.660you're playing a long game um in community building especially okay so next question
00:38:44.560is from julie it seems like between the wellness industry and online cult leaders there's never
00:38:51.620been easier distribution of ideas for bad actors willing to exploit the core need people have when
00:38:57.600they're seeking alternative spiritual care what are the telltale signs of a false friend in
00:39:02.960spiritual care or what vulnerable impulse should people be aware of trying not to feed
00:39:08.240love this question beautiful question uh just beautifully phrased to a false friend great uh
00:39:15.200what what does this make you think of immediately i came up with like a rubric because i was like
00:39:20.340this is such an important question okay first of all if there's no way to to engage with it at all
00:39:28.420in a free way I would be very skeptical right there is a free way to listen to your podcast
00:39:33.960and if you want to financially support you and melody more and you know subscribe to different
00:39:39.460levels of the newsletter you can but you are offering care and love and information for free
00:39:45.900and every church should and like if if you have to pay to play I would say be skeptical
00:39:51.840if they aren't telling you the limit of what they have to offer be skeptical if they are oh yeah so
00:39:59.300if there's secret information right or if they're like i'm gonna solve all your problems like oh
00:40:06.160right if they're not like i am gonna give you some info i'm just using you as an example if i'm gonna
00:40:12.780give you some cultural context but if you want to learn more here's the bibliography of other texts
00:40:18.780right if they are telling you that they are going to solve everything for you but like leave bad
00:40:24.340vibe and they should be giving you something that matters to you not just asking to sacrifice but
00:40:33.360the big thing i'll say and and i'm going to just quote religion you know it by its fruits and the
00:40:39.140way that i define fruits is if it makes you better at loving right and like face cream is not going
00:40:47.180to make you better at loving um I mean like maybe you can justify it like it actually makes me feel
00:40:52.440more confident therefore right raw milk yeah not gonna make you better at loving it's not
00:40:57.760and so that's how I right like that's the check I do is like is this gonna make me a more loving
00:41:03.260person more likely to be nice to my very annoying neighbor right like that that's the check to me
00:41:08.920yeah I the thing I think about is if you can sense that it's manipulating you in some way
00:41:16.140and this is difficult but if there is parts of it like pretty surface level parts of it
00:41:22.960that are touching manipulation centers yeah that are making you cry every single time you watch
00:41:28.960like an instagram reel from this person yeah right that are using the recovery of vulnerable
00:41:34.760people right or vulnerable like dogs or i'm trying to they're using things that like are very
00:41:42.900easy to make you feel big emotions and thus associate those big emotions with something
00:41:50.840that is not necessarily like it doesn't have the rigor that you described right like there's
00:41:56.420nothing hard but on the flip side it shouldn't all be hard right you know like like i think about
00:42:03.220the gospel of hard 75 do you know about hard 70 no i so the hard 75 challenge is like all these
00:42:10.500things like you have to read 75 pages and walk or exercise 75 minutes and like do 70 like it's
00:42:18.880all about sacrifice and restriction right so like if it's like a diet yeah it's not a religious
00:42:26.180practice i think yeah or right like i always if it's only a diet if it's only a diet i can't
00:42:33.220remember like which jerky youtuber says this but like if it's just if it's promising big things
00:42:39.260It's like if you make your bed every day, young men, you are starting your day with a sense of duty and responsibility and then it's going to change your whole life.
00:42:49.860It's like, well, that's a really big promise that I really don't think making my bed is going to do.
00:43:36.000Or even, like, you know, with Lent or whatever it is.
00:43:39.720But doing it just to do it and just for self-denial, like, that to me, there's a difference.
00:43:45.400Also, every religion that has ritual fasting has these very important exceptions of, like, unless you're on medication where you can't fast, unless, right?
00:43:55.500And I feel like that is another way to tell.
00:43:58.220It's, like, are they considerate of nuance?
00:48:11.100it definitely doesn't make me feel bad if you take a whole paragraph i'm like okay maybe you
00:48:17.120could have figured out a way to put this in your own words but it's starting to feel icky if you
00:48:21.040like pull a chapter of my book and claim it as your own or photocopy it and hand it out without
00:48:27.740right like that feels really bad but then if you encourage all of your friends to buy my book right
00:48:33.600like there just are gradations and like ways to do these things where you're like you can do ayahuasca
00:48:40.420because you're like I believe in drugs creating a you know a different plane in my head I don't
00:48:47.740know I don't I don't do drugs because I'm on antidepressants but if you're like and now I
00:48:52.900feel more connected to a native experience right like it is about the how not the what to me
00:48:59.980yeah no that makes sense I also like how how does yoga fit into this I the first thing I said is
00:49:09.020like I think that there are ethical ways to do yoga yeah right like I don't think that yoga in
00:49:16.640and of itself causes harm to marginalized people depending on how you do it so I understand a0.85
00:49:23.620frustration of like now there's a bunch of white ladies at the Y doing yoga with no sense of the0.95
00:49:31.600history that it comes from and also as long as like there isn't someone pretending to be an
00:49:40.080expert in sanskrit right like there's a how to me of like this has been really proven to be
00:49:47.120helpful for joints and like and we're gonna take this great thing and use it i don't know what do
00:49:54.760you think yeah no it's like to me it's like a difference between like someone doing yoga at
00:50:00.760the y and someone going to a yoga retreat led by other white people and then like coming home and
00:50:07.840getting a sanskrit letter like tattooed on their arm right right like but what about okay this is
00:50:15.660another interesting one like i i know people who have gone and done like six month intensives with
00:50:22.360yoga teachers in india and some of them are white and some of them are not but they're not indian
00:50:27.060like so what is the i what how do we work at that i mean and i don't think like this is i'm not
00:50:32.420trying to ask us like okay every case right here's your here's your like yes no event like your
00:50:37.980diagram of how whether or not this is offensive but i think that that's like an example that is
00:50:43.540illustrative to me like does that is that immersion is that taking a religion very seriously
00:50:48.680and the religious components of it to me this is like similar to non-violent communication
00:50:55.180whereas non-performatively you actually have to actively be situating the thing
00:51:01.460authentically in yourself and be like i'm a white person from massachusetts and i went to india and
00:51:08.780learned a lot and this person taught me that and then not be like passing it off as your own there's0.98
00:51:15.520bad non-violent communication where you're like i feel like you're an asshole right like that's
00:51:21.300not it has to be like that hurt my feelings you know i'm sad right now and so i'm wondering too0.96
00:51:28.860how much of this is also performance of being associated with this thing right right so like
00:51:34.080part of what is gross about being an ayahuasca hippie that talks about this it's like the way
00:51:40.480you talk about it on social media yes right like you are performing your investment in this thing
00:51:45.820instead of like maybe just trying to figure out what that investment is yourself in your brain
00:51:50.620Yeah, I feel like I've come up against moments of this. I was in Scotland and like took a Scottish dance class where like these Scottish people were super excited to teach a group of Americans about Scottish dance. And I was like, I had so much fun. Would I want to do this for exercise? Right. And I was like, gaming out where it would become appropriative and totally inappropriate, you know, like, I was like, there is a place at which this gets gross.
00:52:18.240I don't think paying this Scottish dance troupe to teach us about their culture and then enjoying it is where the line is.
00:52:47.000So, like, how does this fit into the present and the dynamics that are at work at present and the way, like, the who and why are profiting from a particular practice now?
00:57:57.820Thank you so much for coming on the show.
00:57:59.900Where can listeners find you if they want to find more from you on the Internet?
00:58:02.680They can subscribe to our podcast, Let's Ask Taylor Swift, which Anne is in our very first episode, and Hot and Bothered, where we talk about rom-coms.
00:58:20.620Thanks for listening to the Culture Study Podcast.
00:58:23.260Today, paid subscribers get a bonus Ask Anne Anything segment featuring a conversation between me and Melody, always the best, about how to make decluttering your house less of an ordeal.
00:58:37.580If you want to support the show and get that bonus content and feel better about your cluttered, we're putting that in quotes, house, head to culturestudypod.substack.com.
00:58:47.800It's five bucks a month or $50 a year, and you'll get ad-free episodes, an exclusive
00:58:52.740advice time segment, and weekly discussion threads for each episode.
00:58:56.480Be sure to subscribe to the Culture Study Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
00:59:00.340We have so many great episodes in the works, and I promise that you don't want to miss