Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - Berlant & Novak Remix： When We Were Girls

00:00:00.980 Hello, hags, eavesdroppers, free feeders, and premium subscribers.

00:00:06.580 As hinted, change is afoot.

00:00:09.100 Make sure you're signed up at poogpodcast.com for big updates ahead.

00:00:13.660 This month, we're working hard behind the scenes to get everything ready.

00:00:17.220 In the meantime, we've got a trove of special episodes

00:00:20.120 celebrating the past 15 months of Berlant and Novak.

00:00:23.360 Now please enjoy the first of our celebration eps,

00:00:26.580 Berlant and Novak Remix, When We Were Girls.

00:00:30.000 i saw some girls on my block selling girl scout cookies really pretty cute what's the deal with

00:00:44.840 that well i sold them as a kid so my best friend as a child was a girl scout right so i would always

00:00:50.040 get the samosas samos at her house samosa whatever unbelievable thins the mint thins but

00:00:55.540 thin mints what is samosas and mint thins

00:00:58.560 that is my question is you outside of culture you know fresh kept fresh by your parents

00:01:04.480 what are the girls where does the money go do you see what i'm saying who's what is this okay

00:01:12.560 it's still fine whatever the girl scouts what do they do now because if it is about camping i'm

00:01:20.000 pro right is it really girls going hey here's how you tie a knot here's how you start a fire

00:01:24.700 Let's all get together and have sleepovers.

00:01:26.460 Or is it weird guys going like, sell the cookies, guys.

00:01:31.240 And the money goes to like Halliburton.

00:01:33.480 Like, I don't, where does the dollar go?

00:01:35.160 Don't recall, okay?

00:01:36.280 It's not charity.

00:01:37.340 I think it went, I think it might have gone to the Girl Scouts organization, okay?

00:01:42.360 But I don't recall.

00:01:43.780 And it might have genuinely been charity.

00:01:45.500 I don't, I don't recall.

00:01:46.380 It'd be cool if the girls themselves got the money.

00:01:48.500 I'm like, yeah, maybe that was what happened.

00:01:53.380 What's going on with inflation?

00:01:54.400 How much is a box?

00:01:55.300 No clue.

00:01:56.120 I feel like they used to be like nine.

00:01:57.620 But what was exciting about them, I mean, do you want to know about my Girl Scout cookie selling experience?

00:02:02.060 I want to know.

00:02:02.660 So you were a Girl Scout.

00:02:04.360 What did you do?

00:02:05.260 What does that mean?

00:02:06.200 What is that culture?

00:02:07.280 I have so much to say about it.

00:02:08.780 It's like, it's so deep.

00:02:10.500 Okay, go.

00:02:10.900 I can't believe we ever talked about this.

00:02:11.740 I know.

00:02:12.300 Well, first of all, there was a point, and this is so me, I think you'll understand.

00:02:15.640 There was a point where I quit the Girl Scouts and the troop disbanded.

00:02:18.360 i am if nothing you were the leader fine okay how do they how do they make the groups this was

00:02:29.440 the vibe okay so in my town in the school system in our school there were there happened to be

00:02:34.960 two troops and their troops what are they called is it a number yeah i was in 1032 so it's basically

00:02:41.440 like the military it's like soft military for girl for little girls it's it's um hearing numbers

00:02:46.800 like that I go it's the military 10-4 I think it was just you know okay sorry I'm just gonna let

00:02:54.320 you talk I'm just like dying like what did you do did you go camping did you learn knife skills

00:02:58.140 yes oh my god okay I'm in okay so um you know there was a troop I was part of it felt like

00:03:06.840 the vibe was someone like a parent decides like I'm gonna be a Girl Scout troop leader

00:03:12.320 right or me and my other adult friend are gonna we're gonna form a troop you know of whoever and

00:03:20.460 like in my it was kind of interesting because I remember this feeling of like there was our troop

00:03:24.640 and then there was this other troop and sort of how did that happen you know what I mean like

00:03:28.880 and I don't know what size they're limited to you know but there were enough there was enough

00:03:34.460 interest for there to be two two troops so my troop so it started we were we were brownies

00:03:39.460 okay that's what it's called yes they had these brown uniforms and so cute it wasn't you know

00:03:44.480 until you got older or whatever that you moved into the green and the green that forest sort of

00:03:49.760 green of of girl scouts but brownie is like the early memory like this little brown vest and you

00:03:56.500 know the costumes of course i mean of course is a huge part of the appeal right like a little

00:04:01.720 a vest with a little like felt thing pinned and whatever and i think this was something okay

00:04:07.200 and uh you know we meet as a group weekly this isn't crazy whenever there's like groups

00:04:12.720 there's just always like widespread rape and sexual harassment it's like sure people get

00:04:17.940 together and it's just like well well here we go because that was the thing what i remember

00:04:21.840 boy scouts there was like also like org yeah it was like organized like sexual violence and then

00:04:26.300 of course obviously without well yeah there was all this like homophobia duh and it was just like

00:04:31.480 it's just so crazy like like whenever there's a group whenever there's whenever there's an adult

00:04:35.020 like organizing I'm organizing a group you're like what are you gonna do yeah well what's your

00:04:40.520 big plan there's an organization like you have something that can have rot within you have

00:04:45.600 something that can be you know it's like it's like there's an organization now there's channels for

00:04:50.160 poison yeah you know like should groups be be so solid maybe they shouldn't well you know say

00:04:56.960 give it a name decentralized leadership yeah I guess that's what I'm like yeah I mean I don't

00:05:04.040 know. Who was your group leader? Managing the group. Who was your group leader? So it was a

00:05:06.680 friend's mother. It was a girl and her mother was the primary. Okay. And so she's leading us 0.89

00:05:13.720 weekly through these different activities. Okay. So is it like, okay, we're meeting at three after

00:05:19.080 school. I just don't understand how it's worked. Okay. And then what happens? So I think we'd even

00:05:22.300 be like in a classroom. I'm not sure, but I think we'd be in a classroom or sometimes we'd be at

00:05:25.820 someone's house or something like that. And it would be some activity, some learning. Like what?

00:05:30.340 Like, I remember first, like, for example, hearing the term herstory.

00:05:34.120 Oh, my God.

00:05:35.080 Okay, there was, like, a lesson on herstory.

00:05:36.840 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:38.080 Hell, yeah.

00:05:38.800 There were a couple camping trips, as you said.

00:05:42.240 On those camping trips, I remember it was, like, we had to, like, get a knife, like, a Swiss Army knife.

00:05:47.780 And we, like, whittled sticks to sharp points.

00:05:50.600 Oh, my God, amazing.

00:05:51.360 And then used those to stab marshmallows, you know?

00:05:53.940 Cute.

00:05:54.500 That was great.

00:05:55.020 But the kind of—the infrastructure that I recall, okay?

00:05:58.440 there was this book and this this this book that you flip through and there were things you could

00:06:04.560 do oh right it was all about earning patches okay to go on your vest so the group would do some

00:06:10.140 activity and and it was like oh we're gonna get and this is what the patch looks like you know

00:06:14.420 and if we complete this activity how to read a compass you know uh uh like we're gonna go clean

00:06:18.880 up the river side of yeah oh yeah beach cleanup i feel like was huge for the yeah i mean there

00:06:23.780 were no beaches near us but yeah yeah okay pond scum right so you do the thing and then you you'd

00:06:30.440 get you get a little patch yeah but then there was this idea that like I remember being at home and

00:06:33.940 it was this idea that you could do one alone individual on your own time and get patches so

00:06:38.480 I was sort of breeze through do any of these interest me you know what I mean and you know

00:06:42.260 it had a mix of activities it was like I'm sure it's even more so now you know like coding yeah

00:06:48.540 and then there were like the ones that I felt like a plot like it was like the performing arts ones

00:06:51.880 you know like it was almost like oh you could like organize a play you know or something which

00:06:56.200 like i you know had already done a few productions by the time i was i would assume third grade and

00:07:01.820 and they were like you can do it in class and it was like we got through like you know

00:07:06.140 the tiniest bit in first grade like i was like we're gonna need another seven days for me to

00:07:10.960 complete the play yeah but wizard of oz i ran rehearsals in my basement i was a tyrant i remember

00:07:18.120 trying to explain to someone like be inside the role it was really great wait so you quit you

00:07:25.280 were like i'm done that happened at some point because i'm always challenging enough for you

00:07:29.140 i felt like i had this weird like less than feeling in there um like it felt you know just

00:07:36.860 sort of like flipping through the book well what about the performing arts you know what i mean

00:07:39.620 it was sort of like it was it was wholesome at times like to a fault you know what i mean like

00:07:44.100 it was it's pretty goy but but a lot of like like my little best friend jewish she was a brownie

00:07:50.820 yeah you so i feel like there were no oh there were there were my dad was a boy scout when he

00:07:56.380 was like in the fucking 50s yeah so they so there were jews my dad had like yeah yeah well oh no 0.55

00:08:04.040 absolutely yeah you know we we like to belong faction yeah i i i'd be tempted to ask my mother 0.90

00:08:09.340 and report in a future episode like what was the vibe of me i mean i i did a lot of like shall i

00:08:14.060 quit this? Like, do I want out? I still have these dreams about whether or not I'm going to do field

00:08:17.900 hockey senior year. Oh, my God. Let me guess. No. Well, I did do it. What? A little dyke? You do field

00:08:24.180 hockey? Yeah. You think I am? I didn't know that. Oh, my God. It's four years. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

00:08:30.500 wait. What? You did field hockey for four years in high school? I did a lot of things. Social

00:08:36.520 vice president. I mean, I was in student council for four years. She went to Dartmouth, folks.

00:08:42.120 You're joking.

00:08:42.820 I mean, not Dartmouth, Georgetown.

00:08:44.360 Yeah.

00:08:44.740 Yeah.

00:08:46.060 Wow.

00:08:46.900 Imagine me, like, imagine me giving speeches.

00:08:48.440 Were you straight A's?

00:08:49.560 Well, it was a 4.0 system.

00:08:51.680 What speeches did you give?

00:08:53.280 Election speeches.

00:08:54.340 Because you were the president of?

00:08:55.580 No, I mean, like, to win.

00:08:57.640 And what'd you apply for or whatever?

00:08:58.980 What'd you run for?

00:08:59.760 Okay, my senior year, I think I ultimately ran for social vice president and got it.

00:09:05.000 Social vice president mean, like, prom?

00:09:07.080 Not to diminish your duties.

00:09:08.960 I mean, yeah.

00:09:09.460 I've never heard of that, social.

00:09:10.920 so by the way what does like the president of a high school what do they do well this is actually

00:09:16.880 pretty interesting so there's student council yeah and then there's um i was gonna say state

00:09:21.360 government okay but it's like student council and then class uh president class secretary class

00:09:27.020 whatever okay so it was kind of like you know student council federal okay you're you're

00:09:32.160 president of whole school you're you know managing all the grades right so me what could that possibly

00:09:37.220 me well it depends you know it depends on what you promised you know like i remember this one

00:09:43.400 guy cut trying to cut costs like why are we paying oh hell yeah the gym teacher to fill the soda

00:09:49.780 machine when we could do it you know what i mean like this one guy like like like it was kind of 0.87

00:09:55.240 like fucked it was like because we kind of want to give the guy the extra cash yeah he likes doing 0.52

00:09:59.160 it like that could go you know totally um but yeah field hockey four years um i mean also 0.98

00:10:05.680 lacrosse freshman year i was captain out of mere enthusiasm and then the skills the skills fell

00:10:11.380 apart lacrosse the thing with the net yeah that is crazy okay but also but also you have to

00:10:19.260 understand at the same time i was you have to understand yeah okay at the same time i was in

00:10:24.160 my like writing workshops okay so i was i was a i i was undercover is i was thinking about it's like

00:10:33.460 I was undercover in high school, having high school experiences.

00:10:36.880 Were you the most popular girl in school?

00:10:38.140 No.

00:10:38.440 What was I in high school? 0.79

00:10:38.960 You were like the pretty girl giving BJs playing lacrosse? 0.74

00:10:42.560 No.

00:10:42.780 No BJ yet.

00:10:43.540 It doesn't.

00:10:44.260 Oh, wait.

00:10:44.560 What am I talking about?

00:10:45.120 Of course.

00:10:45.520 Sorry.

00:10:45.900 Sorry.

00:10:46.960 I mean, my work.

00:10:49.160 I know.

00:10:49.580 Okay.

00:10:49.900 I know.

00:10:50.320 Trying to go number one.

00:10:51.980 Imagine us in high school as friends.

00:10:54.280 No, but I want, there's, well, we would have been.

00:10:56.840 Absolutely.

00:10:57.320 Definitely.

00:10:57.960 The reason I say no, no, no, I'm none of that.

00:10:59.640 I'm none of that.

00:11:00.040 Okay.

00:11:00.600 Is because I was not.

00:11:01.980 Do you have desires to lead?

00:11:02.840 I don't have desires to lead kind of like I don't like I did then I think because like when there's

00:11:09.320 nothing but fools around yeah someone's got to step up okay yeah but I have no um interest in

00:11:16.360 trying to manage society I like I fight you know what I mean like of course yeah in the adult level 0.92

00:11:19.840 but it's like I was doing all the high school stuff okay but I was undercover in my mind as

00:11:25.580 like a a writer yeah okay so i was like i was like living out eventual memoir but of course

00:11:33.520 if you're conscious of that did did adult teachers have issues with you no i tried to shut you down

00:11:39.660 no i mean i was teacher's pet i mean no my relationship with teachers were yeah no i was

00:11:44.100 bulletproof there was a letter sent i still text with the letter like the principal right these

00:11:48.340 letters just seniors and mine was about how i could like carry a conversation with teachers

00:11:51.660 or like how I notably like seemed to like have like adult relationships with the teachers

00:11:56.720 and I was like yeah yeah um no but there were girls who I think are what you're talking about

00:12:03.280 okay the teachers were like like I don't mean to say they were uncomplicated you know what I mean

00:12:07.380 but I mean like they were they were they were the thing where I'm always like conscious of being

00:12:12.660 anything yeah yeah and I was not like I like my interests were I mean I was also of course

00:12:19.380 school paper how did you use it's so funny you struggle now with time management right you talk

00:12:25.160 about this it's like how did you even i'm hearing lacrosse i'm hearing yeah class vice president i'm

00:12:30.880 hearing newspaper i'm hearing directing plays well that was first grade but yeah yeah i think this

00:12:39.220 the schedule yeah i mean field hockey love a schedule you know right after school i mean

00:12:46.820 know there were meetings I have I have a memory because you know they wanted me for varsity

00:12:50.300 basketball yeah I'm sure they did it's pretty good in those but I uh couldn't do it because

00:12:55.020 it interfered with my play schedule and I had to choose am I going to be a thespian or am I going

00:12:58.440 to be an athlete but I have memories of like early I want to say ninth grade after school

00:13:04.000 playing basketball and I can like feel it like the power of sports a physical exertion because

00:13:09.800 I'm secretly an athlete but I you know can't I hardly work out I don't engage in these things

00:13:15.520 yeah but the secret like i secretly am in basketball yeah and i can remember like gym

00:13:21.500 sounds like the was all outdoor oh outdoor court being los angeles yeah and that's crazy like

00:13:28.120 the the exhilaration of after school sports yeah it's kind of nothing to say here i'm having a

00:13:33.880 private i'm having no no no but it's tactile i am freshly cut grass it's christmas time see that's

00:13:39.840 amazing because obviously christmas time freshness you know like me that's like snow and then i'm

00:13:47.280 like i lived in the swiss miss hot chocolate packets after school so i also was like sunken

00:13:53.000 into like depression and also like you know undiagnosed addd yeah so i it would be like

00:13:58.280 my mass user being like i was pulling me aside and being like do we need to talk to someone about

00:14:02.500 like bipolar like yeah whatever like why do you have a 98 on this test and like a 22 on this one

00:14:08.680 yeah you know what I mean like and whatever I mean I was like I don't know why this is all

00:14:14.680 feeling very like on like this is all feeling very like I don't know this whole like describing

00:14:19.300 myself in high school is like hell like it's not they love it they love it and it's like not

00:14:23.540 working like I can't explain like it's working trust me but like I was like me like I'm weird 0.66

00:14:29.560 I'm I'm weird no but yeah but so I was fucking dealing I mean I was like you know massive

00:14:35.820 i mean i i think i like sort of burnt out there's that version of like you know who i am now or 0.52

00:14:42.720 something like that whatever like like burnt out in high school like you know and just and just

00:14:47.180 like self-flagellation like sobbing like with you know not like you know getting up at 7 a.m 0.70

00:14:54.700 and like doing practice sats like in the basement of my own home at my own will damn like because

00:15:02.100 basically it was like surrounded by people who were like getting yeah it was like surrounded by

00:15:06.620 people who my friends who like i and schoolmates who i did not perceive as being more intelligent

00:15:12.940 than me yeah obviously yeah of course okay and and yet it was like but why are they succeeding

00:15:19.180 on some of these things yeah yeah i should absolutely totally be able to of course and so 0.69

00:15:23.440 it was like my life was about fucking proving to myself that i could do all sorts of things i guess 0.63

00:15:31.300 but I was like, I was like into film. Okay. I was like into film and lighting. 0.98

00:15:35.380 I was the president of the film club. I know. Screening Bigger and Blacker.

00:15:39.640 I screened Bigger and Blacker in the library after school. No one came. So my best friend.

00:15:46.980 I remember they did this, this game once in the woods as a child. Okay. No, it was,

00:15:53.060 it was on like a school trip where there are these woods activities. Like, you know,

00:15:57.540 we all have to stand on a little piece of wood. The whole class has to get a little piece of wood.

00:16:01.300 like how many can you fit on there all these team team exercises in the woods

00:16:05.120 she kind of perverted i can't believe you had so much time in the woods yeah

00:16:09.340 well this was separate this was like a school trip like two hours to like a

00:16:12.640 nature thing or something okay so we played this like camouflage game

00:16:17.840 where you know half the kids or whatever i forget how it goes

00:16:22.020 maybe it starts with one kid sits there and then everyone else hides in the

00:16:26.120 woods and they can hide as far as let's say 100 feet out or something

00:16:29.040 and you have to spot them it's like you're trying to do camouflage okay and if you find someone and

00:16:35.180 go i see you johnny okay johnny comes and joins you and now the two of you are looking for the

00:16:39.480 now but you have to get closer and closer basically the the camouflage people it gets

00:16:44.380 harder and harder because they have to camouflage themselves closer and closer to the people

00:16:47.220 watching okay it's okay if you're not following i know the listener is okay i'm here okay so

00:16:51.980 No, it's okay.

00:16:52.640 You used to be working overtime, yeah.

00:16:54.100 Okay.

00:16:54.520 In the ice, I'm trying, yeah.

00:16:55.540 So all to say, you have to get closer and closer and still hide.

00:17:00.580 Just think of that.

00:17:01.240 It's scary.

00:17:01.460 And the people have to be able to spot you.

00:17:03.580 It's scary.

00:17:03.800 Okay.

00:17:04.460 So one kid in an active, literal genius, and no, it wasn't me, okay?

00:17:09.260 Lay it on the ground?

00:17:13.080 They subtly joined the group that was watching.

00:17:19.120 That's amazing.

00:17:20.340 I know.

00:17:20.880 That's a team leader.

00:17:21.980 that's genius is that not they're like they pretended they were out

00:17:26.520 that's amazing i know i knew you'd die i was because i no one recognizes genius okay

00:17:36.780 and honor you was only a child spotting it yeah i go my god the recognition of original i've told

00:17:44.460 you about this this is a friend's story we can shout him out in captions you know because i need

00:17:49.720 to check whose it was but this is getting caught cheating by a teacher some some some some kind of

00:17:55.920 like real cheat like like you know they're supposed to be working on this long-term project

00:18:00.060 they don't get it done or they hand in some i forget what it was or no it maybe it didn't have

00:18:03.980 the work doesn't matter i think i told the story about obviously the teacher bringing me of course

00:18:07.620 i referenced this very morning i think we might have the bts stop when i go you lie remember i go

00:18:13.820 oh my god i didn't even i didn't even know what you're referencing i thought you were just saying

00:18:23.680 that on record we can cut to that moment earlier see it's on kate chris parents lu just just so

00:18:29.580 you know i believe you i don't think you're lying um you're lying i thought you were just saying

00:18:38.460 that chuckling to myself okay again just for people just joining us i'm not gonna go into

00:18:41.900 it deeply but i had a cruel math teacher i couldn't do math i was in you know i was really

00:18:46.180 struggling in math always due to the various learning disabilities and um but was a good

00:18:50.680 student otherwise math teacher there was a there was a project that didn't really that there and

00:18:54.840 there was a writing component it was about cars and my written component was unbelievably florid

00:18:59.440 and poetic about a car and then the math was all wrong right and so she thought well i know that 0.99

00:19:04.660 she's this girl's an idiot she couldn't write this so she lied about having found it on the internet 0.98

00:19:10.660 brought me in said say after class this isn't your writing i start crying and she goes i found 1.00

00:19:17.600 on the internet and i said you you lie you lie and um and then they had to bring in my english

00:19:23.320 teacher my english teacher was like oh yeah kate can write this yeah kate can write this sweetie

00:19:27.780 she may not be able to do math due to the various learning disabilities but she can write and i

00:19:33.200 never got an apology i never got anything i'm silent can you imagine sickness and every time

00:19:38.960 i remember the head of the story i remember like the head of the high school coming in i go

00:19:41.920 no they never because it just it almost seems like about a second source

00:19:46.200 framing a child framing a child framing a child with with with i was 15

00:19:52.400 primary source evidence i mean secondary source point is hello

00:19:56.940 i did a burger king ad or i did an audition as a child a burger king commercial not it was it's

00:20:07.940 even more perverse than that it wasn't even an official burger king audition it was me doing

00:20:14.000 like a burger king ad for a child agent and standing in front of them right going i like

00:20:20.860 i did one of those not burger king but i did a fake ad mine like to post acting camp then brought

00:20:28.100 into the to gold star talent all these pictures on the walls in new york city and they give you

00:20:34.900 piece of copy that you know yep here go read this this fake ad for whatever yeah and i just remember

00:20:41.320 i'd never heard the expression before because i was seven um when hell freezes over and pigs fly

00:20:49.180 it was like the two of those or something and and i was like i don't know about this but my dad was

00:20:55.900 there and he's like he's like you know what give a big smile at the beginning say the lines and

00:21:01.000 give a big smile at the end love that and like that's that'll be pretty good

00:21:05.360 you know I remember as a as a kid getting these sort of not real rollerblades but in that realm

00:21:16.500 and they had two options one was white purple and pink and the other was black and neon green

00:21:22.900 And they were clearly trying to go, you know, gendered, you know, options.

00:21:28.300 I could not decide between these two colors.

00:21:33.080 Picture it, black and green, black and neon green rollerblade, or white, pink, and purple.

00:21:39.040 They're both amazing in different ways.

00:21:41.740 Ultimately, you picked the right one.

00:21:43.720 I went black and green.

00:21:45.040 I'm talking about rollerblades as a kid.

00:21:46.680 And here I did it again.

00:21:48.060 But then my friend got the white, pink, and purple.

00:21:50.440 I was staring at them.

00:21:51.120 And it just, here's a question.

00:21:52.900 Did you struggle as a child in kind of an obsessive way with picking the color?

00:22:00.760 Yeah.

00:22:01.380 Like I'm getting a shirt.

00:22:02.540 Well, because it's one of the only like, it's only the only way to like identify as

00:22:07.260 a child or like self proclaim anything is like through color choice.

00:22:12.840 Yeah.

00:22:13.620 And, and then picking a color also, I don't know.

00:22:18.380 I do this thing where I meditate on like, I imagine myself suddenly sick of the color.

00:22:22.900 Mm hmm. And I don't know, I would I mean, I would it'd be like I'd be standing in the gap for an hour.

00:22:29.220 A hundred fucking percent. 0.96

00:22:35.540 Eavesdroppers know I drink a lot of element. 0.99

00:22:38.660 We've been talking about element a long time.

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00:27:13.600 slash hags to get 15 off oh my god oh my god oh my god going down memory lane talking about my

00:27:21.820 old pediatrician me going googling my old pediatrician's office 10th street pediatrics

00:27:26.340 and me going dr chardio trying to find images of my old pediatrician finding google images of

00:27:31.800 my old pediatrician office and being like memory lane naomi's like stop yeah wondering if it holds

00:27:37.340 up we're wondering if it holds i'm like that's i was like i was like that's it that's the office

00:27:43.340 like getting so when you did you have a moment i don't know if you go where you go oh my god

00:27:49.360 i could look up everything yeah for my history there's probably an image somewhere now there's

00:27:54.340 a couple things when you can't find something on the internet that's a shock yeah i know okay

00:28:00.240 and there's a couple i've gone like when there's no trace you know it's pretty interesting

00:28:04.120 in in fifth grade okay they gave us this test one day and it was clearly an initiative led by

00:28:11.000 a new psychologist who had been brought to the school okay and must have been doing her doctorate

00:28:18.020 or something okay i don't know okay but this woman sort of shows up suddenly she's part of

00:28:21.880 the school's community okay and one day i feel like it was a rainy day but that could have been

00:28:25.880 projected we all take these tests that are obviously these psychological kind of you know

00:28:34.060 whatever sort of tests and asking questions you know probably about our internal state etc right

00:28:41.520 and you know i answered honestly you know i explored right yeah what happens again there's

00:28:50.220 probably 85 kids in the class right a group of seven are invited to be part of a weekly group

00:28:58.940 okay that that comes in instead of recess unbelievable sits in a circle and chairs

00:29:05.980 in the psychologists okay and it's interesting because you go this would not go down in the same

00:29:15.000 first of all i mean they must have asked the parents but honestly did they yeah right i'm not

00:29:21.120 sure they did okay well i don't i certainly don't remember it now maybe my parents were just like

00:29:26.060 yeah you know sounds interesting right yeah because the surface kind of narrative in the room

00:29:33.520 was certainly not you guys are crazy or or you know or we need to dig deeper with you you people

00:29:39.040 right it was and i'm not saying it definitely was that it felt like this woman was doing some kind

00:29:44.280 of work part of her work is having this you know group small group and it's like treating it like

00:29:50.540 she's she's i'm here to like to have meaningful conversations with us facilitate kind of a group

00:29:56.700 who knows maybe she was doing a thing about the benefits of small group with children right yeah

00:30:01.680 and i remember a couple of the other kids in the class you know in the group okay i remember who

00:30:06.600 they were yeah and it's just interesting when you look back and you go wait a second like what was

00:30:13.560 that i try to find this woman because i want her notes i want to read her thesis we were oh the

00:30:22.240 woman yes okay of course what were you a part of you probably could find out oh i have another huge

00:30:27.640 thing to say well i thought i could can't find her you you probably could through your school

00:30:32.660 well that's the thing you could go deep like i'd have to call the office and they go release the

00:30:36.840 files you go release the files i think i'm in i think i'm in a horror movie right i go i go and

00:30:43.200 they're not there i know they're not there i mean so i go how am i gonna find it i mean could it

00:30:48.380 have been academic point is but i remember and i knew it was wrong at the time right so one day

00:30:56.060 like so they go you know next time everyone come in or it was a live question i can't remember

00:31:01.940 but i vaguely feel like it was like next time i don't know like like i had time to prepare it or

00:31:06.560 something it was like share something with a group you know that nobody would know about you

00:31:13.660 like just just something the rest of the group doesn't know about you like and to me that's a

00:31:16.920 very specific prompt that's a prompt asking for i know what something it wasn't like share a fun

00:31:22.880 fact like like literally like the new yorker fest asked me backstage and i was like i can stilt

00:31:27.440 right like yeah i can still like wacky fact right i felt like it was supposed to kind of be

00:31:33.780 however they set it up the vibe was like we're in this room i'm emotionally attuned okay i get

00:31:40.780 what she's looking for a kind of divulge and she's looking for us to go deeper with the group

00:31:44.920 and i have a sense for character detail let's get real right and i'm able to do it about myself

00:31:52.860 oh of course i am right so so here's what i shared i go i really like watching the weather

00:31:59.620 channel yeah yeah now when you're 10 okay and i'm like i like to put it on like you know like

00:32:07.060 hoping for a snow day and like even if like i basically was saying like i find the weather

00:32:11.420 channel comforting which how old are you unbelievable this little genius my daughter

00:32:15.720 you know whatever fifth grade okay so cute okay i i understand like to me this is exactly the kind

00:32:22.300 of detail you know what i mean that's the dream yeah and everyone including the teacher laughed

00:32:28.340 and laughed not like not in the fun way we have a young humorist here okay or a young sensitive

00:32:35.940 whatever literally like like oh weird yeah oh my god unacceptable including the psychologist

00:32:45.540 unacceptable okay by the way that's like a group psychologist of children okay okay who's who

00:32:56.540 responds to the peer pressure of the kids they think it's funny yeah exactly okay because she

00:33:00.100 was she was isolated as a child yeah she was alienated and she finally she's doing she's in

00:33:05.100 the group she's created the group of children who finally get acceptance from a bunch of fifth

00:33:08.040 graders anyway exactly oh boy by the way a lot of them do that turn on me a lot of these teachers

00:33:12.420 are just going back to re-reparent themselves or to to to recreate and heal the wound of childhood

00:33:20.300 well mel wait what remember mel i know i've talked about this on poop wait it sounds familiar my

00:33:27.080 flashback no my flashback to my math tutor who would take me up in the attic and feed me candy

00:33:31.920 that was the candy fit no no so what it is so i had a tutor and it was it must have been just

00:33:40.360 like i realize now it was like oh you've done math tutoring that's hell now you get your treat

00:33:46.960 but it was a go down the hall at a literal ladder brought down from the attic wait who's that i go

00:33:55.820 into the attic school no no no no no your own house his home his him his home

00:34:03.400 i heard mel as short for melanie i heard his nickname his his home attic this is this is a

00:34:15.460 direct i promise you ladder brought down from the attic up i go into the attic i'm sat at a table

00:34:20.840 there was a unbelievable i would play video games i play like snake like like joystick like whatever

00:34:27.660 yeah there was an unbelievable plastic divider like container store thing of different kinds

00:34:32.500 of candies i can see it in my mind gummy bears the little hard candies shaped with different

00:34:36.440 fruits let me guess mel's hand goes in no i know no no or was there a scooper no scooper canister

00:34:41.840 scooper no scooper that i recall yeah this was not an industrial no no and it was sat in front

00:34:46.800 of me and i would and i remember and i can see mel at his desk like doing little paperwork and

00:34:51.960 stuff so he had a separate desk there was no there was no funny business but it does and i

00:34:57.980 actually should ask my mom on air about mel that could be fun yeah definitely and ask her did i

00:35:02.860 tell you that he took me into the attic should i call her right now sure no but wait now now i'm

00:35:08.700 just getting excited wait i just want you to hear my mom answering the phone because

00:35:12.800 wait i wonder if i catch her mel

00:35:15.200 oh hi mom do you have to go to work today um no i'm off today i had a quick random question for

00:35:24.640 you do you remember my math tutor mel mel do you remember mel i would go to his house

00:35:31.520 no i don't yes you you took me yeah he was like a i remember him being short and kind of chubby

00:35:40.080 mel math tutor you don't remember him the judgment of a child how old were you like this was like a

00:35:46.200 piss one yeah like i was elementary school age like maybe fifth grade fourth grade god i'm sorry

00:35:53.360 You know, I sort of remember a short kind of little chubby kind of guy, but I took you to his house? 0.52

00:36:01.300 Yeah, to his house.

00:36:03.480 No, because I was remembering that he would take me into the attic.

00:36:07.360 Nothing bad happened.

00:36:08.540 He would take me into the attic, and I would eat candy.

00:36:12.420 And what?

00:36:13.260 And I would eat candy.

00:36:15.800 Oh, okay.

00:36:20.460 Well, that's sort of almost scary.

00:36:23.020 i know but but it was fine i remember i would eat candy i remember looking over and i'd watch him

00:36:27.580 he would just be at his desk doing like paperwork stuff at the end of the session but so he didn't

00:36:32.080 he didn't really tutor you at all no he tutored me but then i would go upstairs for candy toward

00:36:36.940 the end of the session before you'd come pick me up you know i do sort of remember this story but

00:36:42.860 i don't remember his house i don't remember taking you to his house do you remember where it was

00:36:48.880 no some residential street anyway i just had a quick flash of that i'll call you

00:36:55.140 um i'll call you back i'm doing pook i love you okay okay bye

00:37:00.400 there's something weird about it jeopardy i mean like in the way jeopardy has its own kind

00:37:08.260 of things i mean like i went to a property taping in high school really and um price is right you

00:37:13.500 were calling things out were you excited thinking you were gonna get brought to the front i mean i

00:37:17.560 couldn't have tried harder in the interview they interview every single person that walked through

00:37:20.580 the audience in which one price is right you go through they talk to you hey you were tap dancing

00:37:25.380 i was trying to go hard obviously yeah trying to get me on there got me on there yeah were you in

00:37:29.740 costume yeah i think my friends and i we wore like matching outfits or something have i ever

00:37:35.660 been to a taping of a i was i think i was 15 16 was exciting it was fun actually it was kind of

00:37:43.120 hellish price is right i remember we were there i think 11 hours i mean it's evil although i mean

00:37:47.260 that's not evil it's just very grueling yeah being a studio audience member

00:37:50.280 oh yeah passage of time once again strikes right in the heart really shocking it happened to me i

00:38:01.660 saw you know i had a sweet sweet interaction many years ago with an eight-year-old yeah my friend

00:38:06.980 texts me she's graduating high school today what what what what what what what what yeah how do

00:38:12.800 a blink and it's over i went i went to a graduation at my old high school and saw a teacher get ready

00:38:19.520 for this was sure he'd remember me okay oh my god you're sure i go oh my god he's here he's like an

00:38:26.060 administrator well it's me i see him i'm like i'm gonna go for it i'm gonna go over there because

00:38:29.640 he was he was an advisor on the student paper and the particular paper that i uh worked on

00:38:36.040 and he was sort of like a writing teacher to me basically and whoa i'd bring him things and it

00:38:42.040 was almost a joke like like I remember I brought him my college application essay and it was like

00:38:46.500 he starts reading it and like in the second line he's like oh no almost like because it

00:38:51.280 seemed to be like another one about like sex and boys okay it's always like an ongoing joke like

00:38:58.220 you know because I wrote did he see goik well this is the joke I'm like hello okay okay I was

00:39:05.660 like I am a writer and comedian not whatever I go over I was like yeah yeah I was like so tell me

00:39:11.660 exactly what happens okay i hear his name during the graduation mentioned as like an administrator

00:39:17.660 i'm like oh my god is he here i'm in the ranks google him okay i make sure i can see like an

00:39:22.580 updated pic that'll be able to find him after i see him i go over i almost ask someone else

00:39:27.880 is that him right and then i'm like hi i'm like you know i don't know why i want to protect his

00:39:34.780 identity but i do but let's just say his name was like you know mr cabbage or whatever like

00:39:39.600 yeah I'm like Mr. Cabbage yeah no but I'm like Mr. Cabbage I'm like I'm like I'm a former student

00:39:48.720 of yours Jacqueline Novak like I was like yeah of course I was like um what did I say I was like

00:39:54.320 you you were my you were a writing teacher and you were the advisor on you know the paper I worked on

00:40:00.560 and you know we had a huge impact on me or whatever I was like I'm a writer now I was like a writer

00:40:06.000 and whatever and and I realizing like he's not what's going on his face you say Jacqueline Novak

00:40:12.700 he looks at you blankly yeah no and I go okay in high school I was Jackie so you know Jackie

00:40:19.940 Novak yeah still right and I'm like it was your first couple years I was like you went to such

00:40:26.480 and such college like I was like I was dropping on him all the stuff I remembered about him

00:40:29.920 I didn't say the following but I was like I met your wife okay I remember the day she came to the

00:40:34.760 school like in the afternoon you know i'm like i'm like i could tell him so much about him and

00:40:39.700 it's an amazing thing of like and the whole time he's playing because he's just like oh my god i'm

00:40:42.940 so sorry and i was like is your fridge he's like i was the advisor of the paper and i because like

00:40:48.860 i just thought it was the first couple years like those are sort of core and then and then i was

00:40:54.140 like anyway i like don't want to keep you kind of thing i was like but you had a huge impact on me

00:40:58.240 and then i was like so nice i was like i was like i'm gonna email you yeah because

00:41:04.480 we're not done here you know like i was like i love that i love that he needs was he charmed

00:41:09.360 was he into it yes he was really sweet and then he was like and he was like my email like is

00:41:13.680 you know whatever he he was mr cabbage industries.com and and and and because he's been he's

00:41:22.560 since been like he was like became principal and then and then you know i forget what his

00:41:27.740 current title is but i sent an email today based like being like i don't i've i'd be like i was

00:41:33.120 amused at how uh like convinced i was that you'd remember me i was like yeah and it's okay if you

00:41:38.320 don't it's not about that but i still think it's fun for me to share a few memories with you

00:41:42.280 did you send him goik i didn't send it to him but i told him like so on netflix yeah you know

00:41:48.840 i did a show i was like because i told him the anecdotes of because i used to write like

00:41:53.580 my early writing was very like and i plan to bring it back okay i plan to bring the fiction back you

00:41:59.340 know what i mean like the short stories but it was very like you know like these like haunted

00:42:03.480 characters who like like this sort of like absurdity of the mundane you know like like

00:42:10.180 kind of like sort of like sexualized like like a woman like fixated on a man's like hands like

00:42:16.520 eating a donut or whatever you know like this is like my neighbor and what's going on behind my

00:42:20.280 you know just whatever so and you used to be you know like like laugh and be like oh no like because

00:42:26.480 would be like another piece about like sex or boys or something like that and I was like

00:42:29.880 well like you know I wrote and performed a show that got me all the way to the top I was like

00:42:35.120 the themes are the same I was like but also they include like writing and like high school education

00:42:41.700 so I'm like I really think you'd love it he's going to be crying so I it was it was it was

00:42:49.000 quite fantastic keep us posted I know I know and and gosh but the whole thing of the teachers

00:42:55.380 you know the it's it's it's a strange it's a strange not power thing but a strange status

00:43:03.140 where it's like I mean I remember I remember specific things he said about writing that were

00:43:08.620 like like one time I brought in this sort of short story and I was like it could be better

00:43:13.420 like I could have done I could have made it I could have like something like I could have done

00:43:17.940 it better I could have made it better and he's like well you couldn't have because you didn't

00:43:22.180 like, you know what I mean? Like, this is what you did. Like, yeah. And so I mentioned that to

00:43:27.720 him. Radical. Because it was kind of radical. You know, it was like, you don't get points for,

00:43:32.360 I don't know. Yeah. Anyway, huge experience. Also ran into a couple hags at the graduation.

00:43:40.040 That was great. Amazing. You're like, please go recognize me in front of Mr. Fucking Cabbage. 0.99

00:43:43.720 okay huge question shopping like and i even mean you know like you have no money and you're 11 but 0.93

00:43:53.340 you're still kind of like in a store with a friend or whatever i feel like young teen like a couple

00:44:00.680 of girls together going into a store and looking at things or a vintage store like you know like

00:44:05.640 a secondhand whatever like i feel like that was a major like life change experience okay oh yeah

00:44:12.340 being in a store with a major with a co not with a parent subjectivity formation and then the

00:44:17.440 competition and the i like this oh you like that it's yeah yeah i want that yeah yeah yeah like

00:44:22.420 ew you know what i mean like i would never wear this or or oh and then the panic like they've got

00:44:27.040 the one and do you remember that like yes very intense and get it did you ever get like i had

00:44:32.380 to learn like did you ever get convinced by a friend into buying something and take it home

00:44:35.760 and you're like i don't like this oh my god of course of course of course i mean still yeah it's

00:44:43.020 like a huge learning yeah it's how to shop with a friend it is because you have to maintain your

00:44:47.860 own personhood yes while being right up against someone else's and you have to see the way in

00:44:53.460 which you i mean nothing's more classic than you know for you the whole free well that's i like

00:44:58.080 that for you i know i like that for you this is a classic yeah i never would but yeah

00:45:03.020 so i did um there was a colonial god sometimes you could just sob for education in a good way

00:45:13.260 okay like a teacher so in fourth grade there was this program where we it was like this colonialism

00:45:18.020 beautiful program about um no but but you know the good part i guess was uh learning about

00:45:26.540 so bakers cabinet makers um i'm trying to think what else there was uh what more do you need

00:45:33.660 yeah yeah what else could there have been in the in the colonial village laying railroad

00:45:38.120 because there were like definitely like surgeon oh a candle maker okay there were candle makers

00:45:43.800 and we built it in the in the classroom like we built this little town inside the classroom like

00:45:50.440 all the chairs went away and it was like different stations and then you come in and you know a lot

00:45:55.860 of the girls were bakers okay a lot of the girls were candle makers yeah i wanted to be a cabinet

00:46:02.320 maker and uh i remember doing a report on i remember doing a report learning about joints

00:46:13.180 and being a joiner i guess yeah and i learned about the dovetail joints i thought they were

00:46:18.800 just absolutely you know it's incredible something to be held together and then we made

00:46:24.480 candelabras wooden candelabras okay you saw them you know dowel these two things and then from the

00:46:31.960 we went and got from the candle maker the candles okay whatever it's just i think i sent you a thing

00:46:37.680 that i of my i found a report it's a joiner by jackie novak yeah and it's like the kid handwriting

00:46:43.380 but done really well like report level yeah right right it's just there's a little drawing of a man

00:46:49.240 yeah um the joiner yeah being like proud of his yeah the home he built and it's like

00:46:55.420 it's very sweet you know there's no there's no tale other than being charmed by oneself as a kid

00:47:00.580 which is worth exploring what is that so by the way i think it's also a unique actress thing

00:47:05.760 and this is why i get really because every once a year every once every 18 months i get the urge

00:47:11.680 to post a picture of myself as like a baby or a five-year-old you have to resist no no no no

00:47:17.020 you have to

00:47:17.540 and actually I did

00:47:18.540 no I did it once

00:47:19.280 I did it once

00:47:19.680 no no

00:47:20.340 I've done it too

00:47:20.840 no no

00:47:21.340 yeah and we all get

00:47:22.800 a couple freebies

00:47:23.560 well here's the worst

00:47:24.140 and by the way

00:47:24.700 this is gonna maybe

00:47:25.300 hit hard

00:47:25.720 maybe you know

00:47:26.420 this show

00:47:27.280 can go far and wide

00:47:28.460 someone might

00:47:28.920 see them go 1.00

00:47:29.480 oh she's attacking me

00:47:30.820 no but listen

00:47:31.920 it's particularly tough

00:47:33.880 particularly tough

00:47:34.980 actress performer

00:47:37.120 finding a video

00:47:38.620 themselves as youth

00:47:39.460 with a microphone

00:47:40.300 on stage

00:47:41.200 doing something showy

00:47:42.360 and they go

00:47:42.900 I'm doing the same thing

00:47:45.360 and it's like no

00:47:46.500 all kids do that oh no no no this is a huge issue for me it'd be a stranger to be a child

00:47:51.360 she didn't do that again i'm like american now she's been singing since she was three yeah

00:47:54.960 everyone has including plenty of bad singers right of course it's not it's not the years

00:47:59.920 we're singing yeah it's not her years in the biz no no no yeah it's also funny like i sent you one

00:48:09.320 of me oh well this is the new year's eve friends can do it friend you can do it friend to friend

00:48:14.920 certainly friend to friend and that's that's where you have to take it you take it to your

00:48:18.520 friends you don't bring others in that's where you get that um don't bring particularly bad i

00:48:23.940 feel like there's a there's a gimlet eyed um you know it's particularly bad around thanksgiving

00:48:29.340 day before thanksgiving of course people are at home they're yeah going right and i mean i used

00:48:36.580 to sit in that chair i mean i'm really i my sense of mentality around that it gets out of control

00:48:42.000 as you know as we talked about my fantasy was always to die in my child's bedroom right between

00:48:49.320 your parents yeah both my parents yeah that's the dream that you know right but then you can't do

00:48:54.980 that because you know the tragedy is a child you know they're supposed to go first and then my

00:48:59.140 ideal remember me giving birth i'd be giving birth in my parents bed with them just outside the door

00:49:05.000 anything you need right but that's that's changed i don't feel that way anymore yeah yeah

00:49:09.480 no you know it's like i give birth i still like you in the room oh yeah can we just outside

00:49:16.940 me they wouldn't let you in i think now it's crazy only one person in oh no sure sure i mean

00:49:24.160 if you had nobody i think you should have be able to have as many like you should make go

00:49:28.020 no more than i dragged john no more than 10 10 i could see five around you yeah no i think for me

00:49:36.480 it would help no i think really that's i think

00:49:40.220 classic day two of my period going to the beach which by the way advertising is so deep in our

00:49:51.060 personal language or internal language that i was like it really is a tampon commercial isn't it 0.90

00:49:57.160 here i am on the beach with a tampon or whatever the fuck so but the point is those close to me 0.94

00:50:03.880 know i'm heavy the first couple days and um i so i'm in the bikini standing packed beach right 0.96

00:50:12.360 i'm standing there facing the water with some friends by the way there was a really serious

00:50:18.460 riptide warning that day so we weren't going like all the way in and there were lifeguards on booty 0.84

00:50:23.780 coming out telling people like get the fuck out like it was serious yeah so we're kind of just 0.92

00:50:28.040 going up to our knees and you just like you kind of feel the current like pulling like it's yeah 0.87

00:50:31.800 it's like terrifying okay so i'm we're standing there facing the ocean i feel a tap of my shoulder

00:50:38.940 i turn around there's a woman maybe you know in her late 40s i go oh that's sweet a fan she goes

00:50:45.860 hi um there's blood running all down the back of your leg you're and i oh my god oh my god

00:50:55.000 thank you thank you i start backing into the ocean my back to the ocean so fast into the

00:51:02.440 riptide right by the way knocked down pulled not not far out but started to be i was knocked down

00:51:10.340 i'm starting to be pulled and it was like all to avoid the embarrassment of blood i mean it's so

00:51:16.000 funny and here's what was liberating so it's never happened to me since you know since you

00:51:21.880 turned 13 once you're you know the fear of bleeding of public oh my god it happened to me

00:51:27.500 right for the first time at this age here i was standing on the beach in the bikini stranger 0.97

00:51:32.180 hey you're bleeding down your fucking leg okay i was like it was amazing my instinct was 0.98

00:51:40.420 run disappear into the ocean i didn't feel i wouldn't say i felt embarrassed i wouldn't say 0.99

00:51:47.880 I felt shame but it was like right something overtook me run into the sea and then I of course

00:51:55.320 was like to I was I was like walk behind me check and then it was like fine but it was like you know

00:51:59.720 I was like walk behind me check me you know I didn't want to be walking all the way back to

00:52:03.600 the blanket but then I was fine but I just thought it was interesting to face that now

00:52:11.800 i mean i wonder um i'm trying to think if i've ever had i don't think i've ever had anyone else

00:52:19.820 yeah a stranger to tell me which i appreciated you know i fairly regularly straight through the

00:52:26.920 jeans yeah yeah like and it's almost like like the other day i was like it's like i noticed it's

00:52:33.520 happening get distracted okay just straight up get distracted and then i'm like oh okay and i

00:52:40.880 look down and it's sort of like it's kind of incredible though i will say it with jeans

00:52:45.280 it's almost like for the most part the place that you can take it that it goes through

00:52:50.980 is not that visible when you're standing like usually yeah usually it's like there's also

00:52:58.780 something i think like there's something about like the period blood soaking through whatever

00:53:03.560 like the jeans or the underwear or whatever it is like visible from behind when it is when it's 0.95

00:53:08.380 kind of up like heading towards the ass right there's something about that that's almost like 0.86

00:53:14.020 i feel like it has a different quality of shame to it because it's like if it was pristinely in 0.97

00:53:22.460 the center like straight down to the earth but there's something about it like making its way 0.96

00:53:28.140 up that it's kind of like headed towards the ass like that like the stain being in that kind of

00:53:32.260 like not in the bottom but like here like out of 45 that's where the earth is yeah it's like 0.97

00:53:37.100 shameful somehow like it's like well i have the most the strongest memory of the head of my middle

00:53:42.860 school walking down the hall in khakis with blood she was bleeding through her head head of the

00:53:47.900 middle school mistress head mistress in middle school and all girls school all of us like oh my

00:53:52.720 god she has blood and it was like really formative i think for me i mean hugely because and i remember

00:54:00.580 feeling bad for her you know it's like people like seeing their teacher at the grocery store freaks 1.00

00:54:04.800 like the shit out of people like when you walk in on your two teachers fucking 1.00

00:54:08.000 it never got to be it's sad or it's not sad but i never got to be like a full whore 1.00

00:54:19.720 you know what i mean well well welcome to the um it makes you go like welcome to the morning 0.98

00:54:25.040 should i try to be a slut welcome to the morning of you know i know of life and there it goes i 0.94

00:54:31.220 know I know I mean I was you know I was very concerned with um from the time I was like you 0.94

00:54:37.340 know 10 of like I was very aware that the life phases the early ones were quick yeah and so I

00:54:43.000 had a lot of panic about like is this what a 13 year old should be experiencing like am I getting

00:54:47.580 it at 16 you know like yeah constant loss but but you know 16 a big one like I mean I was totally

00:54:55.460 remember my brother being like he was in like eighth grade or something I was in sixth grade

00:54:58.640 or maybe maybe when i got to eighth grade and he was in high school he's like yeah you know like

00:55:03.480 maybe i was talking about the changing social dynamics like we don't have the wild parties we

00:55:06.800 had in seventh grade you know like something he was like and he's like yeah i mean i think like

00:55:11.000 eighth grade you kind of just want to like hang out with your like your girlfriend or something

00:55:14.480 or like your boyfriend or whatever right whoa and it was like i don't have a boyfriend right

00:55:20.860 yeah and so there's this panic of like my brother having defined almost like i don't know like it's

00:55:27.000 laughable as though seventh grade was ragers yeah and eighth grade people were just kind of

00:55:31.040 like settling down yeah yeah my my old neighbor always said um that he cool guy and um that when

00:55:41.500 i was i said to him once like very seriously he was like oh great even now are they talking about

00:55:46.680 school and i said to him completely seriously life begins in the fourth grade oh but i remember i

00:55:55.020 i remember i remember like i get it having that conviction like i completely get it and it makes

00:56:02.480 sense okay i remember yeah you ready i remember okay yeah realizing being four okay okay and going

00:56:09.480 when i was three i thought four was gonna feel like now we're here now it's real okay like four

00:56:16.960 is okay yeah i go now now that i'm four i don't really feel that way i go it's five okay well

00:56:23.560 And I go, it's five.

00:56:25.280 This is what life is.

00:56:26.180 It's five.

00:56:27.060 Okay.

00:56:27.260 And I go, I know I said that about four.

00:56:30.180 But I'm changing my story.

00:56:32.280 Yeah.

00:56:32.460 I knew, I know, I know I said that before, but she probably think I'm going to do it

00:56:35.140 again about six.

00:56:36.020 Like I'm not five is actually.

00:56:39.060 Yeah.

00:56:39.300 Yeah.

00:56:39.600 And I actually don't think I did.

00:56:41.000 I think I was like, it's real.

Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - March 10, 2026

Berlant & Novak Remix： When We Were Girls

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