Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - New Year's Resolutions

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00:00:59.160 Hello, hello.

00:01:00.460 Well, hang on, hang on, hang on.

00:01:01.560 No, I need to say goodbye.

00:01:04.000 Say hello.

00:01:05.820 Okay, so New Year's resolutions,

00:01:10.560 one of the cornerstones,

00:01:12.200 one of the dreaded tent poles of the wellness world.

00:01:16.160 Ugh.

00:01:16.760 I mean.

00:01:17.360 Sorry, I came in with my opinion quick.

00:01:20.300 By the way.

00:01:20.640 To be clear, I'm anti, and I don't know where you stand.

00:01:23.020 I'm fiercely anti.

00:01:24.600 Okay, we will free the people from this.

00:01:26.260 We must free them now because we will not be punished by the calendrical system.

00:01:31.600 You know, who benefits from New Year's resolutions?

00:01:35.500 Flat belly tea.

00:01:37.380 Right?

00:01:38.360 And that is not an industry that we are lifting up on poo.

00:01:40.920 Oh, yeah.

00:01:41.740 I mean, that's when they get your phone number at the gym, et cetera, et cetera.

00:01:45.360 Because one of the big New Year's resolution things, right, is the gym.

00:01:48.720 Going to the gym.

00:01:49.620 And obviously now under COVID, that's no longer, you know, it's one of the benefits of COVID.

00:01:54.340 the gym no longer has the pull on us yeah it's devastating um wait i just but i have to cut in

00:02:01.220 and to say that a i when i lived in new york city i lived there for god almost nine years

00:02:06.640 and uh never really left you know just kind of famously famously famously never had a good

00:02:11.340 by party even though i had such a uh huge community i think you've forgotten that you

00:02:15.540 have and i gave a beautiful toast okay listen to me jacklyn yes we had an intimate dinner of maybe

00:02:20.420 for five people but i'm talking about like one of those create a facebook event i'm leaving meet a

00:02:26.400 blue and gold bar you know blue and gold but i just wanted to say that i when i lived in new york

00:02:30.500 city i briefly belonged to a gym that was like exclusively for taxi drivers and i didn't really

00:02:35.400 realize that like i went there it was like basically it cost four dollars every six months

00:02:39.280 it was like is it taxi drivers because it was all night open all night that kind of thing yeah it's

00:02:43.600 called dolphin and i went there and there was i was like the i was like where am i and i signed

00:02:50.060 when i signed up they're like you got a free personal training session and this personal

00:02:53.720 trainer took me into the office weighed me and then he he told me i was obese i'm sorry they

00:03:00.080 really need to cut it with that language by the way i was on yaz at the time i'd gained some weight

00:03:04.900 due to birth control and you know being what 20 but he told me i was obese and i kind of looked

00:03:11.900 and I was like I'm not obese and he was like you are technically you are technically obese

00:03:15.920 and then he stretched me out on the floor mat or whatever and then I you know I went a few more

00:03:20.440 times then never went back again and then I want to say that I was once in New York going through

00:03:25.460 a breakup and I was lured by an Equinox New Year special where they're like ordinarily cost $24,000

00:03:32.380 a year I know this year it only cost $600 something like that so I signed up when you sign up for

00:03:38.840 equinox you have to basically sign away your life and you have to tell them that and they make it

00:03:43.860 impossible to quit that if you're going to quit mid-year your membership you have to prove that

00:03:48.560 you've basically been beheaded okay no longer give their hand write a letter send send the

00:03:53.240 footage from cnn no no it's it's they make it impossible so i was like i'm quitting and i called

00:03:59.260 in and i told them like hi i'm gonna have to cancel a membership they're like you're aware of

00:04:03.020 our policy blah blah so rude i found there in the policy i i told the woman on the phone i told her

00:04:09.960 that i was going to live at sea i truly told her i said i have to i'm moving and she goes well oh

00:04:16.720 we have gyms everywhere we have gyms everywhere you have to prove that your address we need proof 0.67

00:04:21.400 of address they wanted proof of address like they were the goddamn dmv going somewhere and i told 1.00

00:04:26.500 them oh i'm going to live on a boat bitch so good luck and she really tried to press me well do you 1.00

00:04:31.020 have an employment letter that you're going to be living on this boat i said no it's not a job 0.99

00:04:35.880 thing i'm just going to live at sea and they had to release me from my equinox membership literally

00:04:41.880 if we if you love us let us free and if we're meant to be we'll return it's yeah so disgusting

00:04:48.780 that their model operates on uh being locked in i mean like it's like that's your business model

00:04:55.860 like it's just it's incredibly rude i know well i could never the equinox thing of the eucalyptus

00:05:01.400 steam and the keels the keels products that's what you're there for no no i i have something

00:05:05.600 to say which is the business equinox has done as a result of merely having keels in the bathroom

00:05:12.540 cannot be overstated i know okay that is the first thing that everybody mentions it's brilliant it's

00:05:19.220 when describing why equinox is better it's um i went to a reebok gym for some time okay and it

00:05:27.380 changed into an equinox later i i i can't remember how i got out of it but it was like it was ugly

00:05:32.900 it always oh you know what i you know what i really hate well too okay obesity whatever i

00:05:37.660 remember once walking in this gym thinking i gotta actually get an informational session you know

00:05:41.240 like i could actually find out about the gym without them hounding me for the rest of my life

00:05:46.020 you know, and it was impossible. And I remember, and it's this thing like, what's your current

00:05:49.440 exercise routine? Okay. And it's like, I always default to this kind of like three to four days

00:05:55.060 a week yoga or something like, like I give her some lie and I think I'm out of here. Like,

00:06:00.920 I'm not coming back. Like, don't ask me a single question. And I believe the last time I did this,

00:06:05.520 I had the courage to say like nothing recently. Yeah. Trained dancer, of course, from youth. Okay.

00:06:09.980 certain muscular memory remains but i just yeah i don't i don't like uh them i don't know there's

00:06:16.900 just something really wrong about it however i do have glorious memories as a child of accompanying

00:06:21.320 my mom to the gym wow and sitting at the snack bar watching her do the exercise classes so to

00:06:28.160 me the gym's just like french fries and a little paper cup my parents never exercised the exercise

00:06:33.000 was not even considered there was no language for it in the home my mom would go on walks

00:06:37.860 and my dad would walk up and down the stairs just in the house but that was really it and so i

00:06:44.960 yeah notoriously thin no my parents ballooned in the late 90s

00:06:49.820 the late 90s to the early 2000s and they both went on weight watchers and i remember that was

00:06:55.880 huge for me because i used to wake up with like mars capone cream on pumpkin bread and you know

00:07:01.000 and i was like dessert it was ice cream every night and then i remember when my parents went

00:07:04.260 on weight watchers it took a toll i of course was still able to eat whatever i wanted but yeah they

00:07:08.480 went on weight watchers and and they did eventually lose it but yeah no the question of of of whether

00:07:17.100 whether and how we talk about weight on poog is is important because and i don't know where we've

00:07:22.200 landed because uh it's the final taboo no it is and we're some say money is the final taboo

00:07:27.080 maybe but i think it's women talking about weight it's women talking about weight and obviously

00:07:32.260 we're not we're not uh pushing and let me tell you the sponsors have written in that we've some

00:07:38.160 diets have tried to get on poop they want us to advertise and we refuse to diet cultures is hell 0.71

00:07:44.420 you know food is now a superstructure to control women a patriarchal superstructure to control

00:07:48.620 women's bodies and so we don't want to do that however i also don't want to hide that like i

00:07:53.820 don't want to be robbed of my self-hatred i don't want to be robbed of my neuroses around my own

00:07:58.940 wait. Like, cause there is an expectation that any woman speaking about expressing any self 0.89

00:08:04.800 hatred or self body hatred or anything is damaging to others. And I think that's probably both true 1.00

00:08:10.400 and unpoliceable. Also, I want to live in a world where we're not allowed to acknowledge the low

00:08:15.760 grade anorexia that every woman suffers because she was born. Like there's forever this idea,

00:08:21.260 like body positivity, of course, like, and it's takes work to like, love your body and to not

00:08:27.280 literally hate your body and try to scratch it off like that's a huge accomplishment but like 1.00

00:08:31.900 there's this deeply condescending language to like the body positivity movement as the women 0.97

00:08:37.740 are unable to and again there and again i should have thought of something smart to say before we

00:08:43.740 hit record but help me you know what i'm trying to say well what it reminds me of when you're

00:08:47.100 talking is uh celebrity interviews that i read in magazines as a kid and as a teen in which it's

00:08:53.280 like what is Heidi Klum you know how does she stay trim or what's her whatever and it's like

00:08:57.940 not eating yeah and they always say like they always present these kind of healthy

00:09:03.820 oh well you know I would I don't deprive myself and it's like them putting out this I don't diet 0.97

00:09:11.240 thing in order to not negatively influence young gals right it's like you're you're fucking me up 0.91

00:09:17.620 even more because I don't understand how like you're able to well I indulge a couple times a 0.88

00:09:22.680 week no i know exactly it's like it's like i know what you're doing you're not eating yeah it's like

00:09:27.000 i remember i can't remember if i mentioned this on a past pook episode or in conversation but i

00:09:31.620 remember being eternally traumatized by christina ricci interview i read in which they were talking

00:09:36.820 about you know how do you manage your keeping that waste or whatever and she said well i find

00:09:42.060 that when i want something sweet i actually can usually just curb the desire by eating a pickle

00:09:47.000 i think i remember that see these things go in like spells go they lodge deep

00:09:52.520 indelible on the hippocampus yes no it's completely they lodge and so that of course

00:09:58.280 i was never able to dislodge and so i'm almost just like i need more of these actresses and i

00:10:04.740 need more of these people to be like i don't eat so then the rest of us can be like starve for two

00:10:10.860 weeks exactly yes like tell like give it to us and give us i don't know i want the ugly truth

00:10:15.760 you know like it's more comforting it's like because what i feel less than when i hear that

00:10:21.400 they're able to somehow you know the classic remember when mini meals would be described as

00:10:26.080 a handful of almonds was one of the meals well by the way magazine thing it must have been cosmo

00:10:31.740 and i remember hearing it christina aguilera her food diary which right there so yeah the violence

00:10:37.500 of the food celebrity food diary and the word diary her snack her snack 12 almonds and a piece

00:10:43.460 a fruit and so i of course took that to heart my friend who who writes on tv shows okay she said

00:10:50.140 the actresses always asked for cut fruit like like that was the only thing they were willing

00:10:55.880 to sort of eat on camera that was the thing it was like cut fruit and i always think cut fruit 0.73

00:11:01.560 oh my god i've never waited the final taboo and even when you said the word obese earlier you

00:11:06.660 know i panicked of course i panicked because like is there a way in which you know by merely uttering

00:11:11.880 that word is that offensive do you know what i mean like literally acknowledging the existence

00:11:17.700 of sort of a uh spectrum but those lines i remember specifically i remember my family got

00:11:24.580 like a new scale and maybe it was one of those ones that like zaps a beam through you and tells

00:11:29.480 you the you know different um you know your constitutional issues you know 30 you know you

00:11:36.840 40 pounds of fat you have 60 pounds of bone whatever okay whatever my family got it was

00:11:42.040 this thing where everyone plugs in their identity into the scale so you climb on you hit number four

00:11:47.260 you climb on hello Jacqueline and it basically like said like like my brother was obese like I

00:11:52.220 was obese we weren't morbidly obese but we were obese and like for years you know particularly

00:11:58.420 in the 90s the word obese was just thrown around to mean it's a moral failing exactly exactly and 0.99

00:12:05.880 it's that thing where the medical term becomes the insult right right you know idiot once was a 0.96

00:12:11.240 i think a medical term is there a term for being medically ugly um oh that's another thing i want 1.00

00:12:16.760 to say which is i was like alongside this kind of condescending language on women's bodies and 1.00

00:12:22.080 talking about oh my god like fatness thing is like being gorgeous and this need for like you're

00:12:26.320 gorgeous and being gorgeous i'm like this is huge i mean the world would change tomorrow what we need 0.99

00:12:30.920 are hideous women on billboards what we need are like we need to as soon as we don't like 0.96

00:12:36.720 we need to like this inability to acknowledge the ugly woman is so 0.97

00:12:42.160 i could not i could talk about this for 30 hours because here's the thing i don't have the

00:12:48.560 conclusion like what i'm saying is very like like scrappy and not well thought out and i feel like

00:12:53.200 but sorry keep going i just i'm tired the condescending language around women no the thing

00:12:59.860 See, I realized a number of years ago that me being absolutely unwilling to acknowledge myself finding anything unattractive, OK, yeah, is actually deeply patronizing.

00:13:11.540 Right. So let's just say so anytime someone describes someone else as, God forbid, ugly, OK, I lose my mind.

00:13:21.600 okay and start launching into why they're not right because i am look at those eyelashes or

00:13:27.720 just because to me actually quote being ugly okay is and i have to put in quotes because i can't

00:13:33.620 even acknowledge it as a state no because i also is apparently so it's so offensive a reality that

00:13:39.620 i couldn't allow a person to even in their absence be that thing so i i thus reveal that i am more

00:13:47.640 judgmental of ugliness because i think it's a it's a it's a state utterable truth so so yeah so the

00:13:53.240 reveal is that i'm worse than all like someone being like yeah they're kind of an ungo or whatever

00:13:58.580 you ever hear someone say that i'm like i'm like shaken to the core and lying in bed at night like

00:14:04.780 trying to like talk to myself about how like everything and everyone is beautiful and it has

00:14:09.780 to be true and i do believe it and i do believe it's all in the eye and you got to turn the eye

00:14:13.360 to see the majesty of yet another of god's creations i feel that too and that includes

00:14:19.200 let's say you get burned in a fire okay that yeah that's also part of god's creation okay is

00:14:24.700 the events that unfolded during this life but i think also there's something about and this is

00:14:29.480 when it gets into really like the condescending feminization of like any and all bodies like for

00:14:34.120 example picture somebody who's violently impaled and i'm talking about like somebody goes through

00:14:39.100 some horrific accident okay wait violently impaled is because to be impaled is merely the sword

00:14:46.000 through you you mean i mean you're run over by a train you're set on fire you're thrown off a cliff

00:14:51.780 okay it's bad okay and you're you're propped up with the hospital you're unrecognizable so to speak

00:14:56.600 you're propped up in the hospital yeah i can i can only define it as that okay go on the nurse

00:15:01.740 comes in with a pink glittery headband and puts the little headband on you isn't she gorgeous 1.00

00:15:09.140 right so it's like oh thank you god damn she got a rough deal she is no she's now a thumb 0.98

00:15:19.500 all right but because of the pink headband yeah wrap her head with the big pink bow on the head 0.99

00:15:26.120 weighing down the skull right like the child being literally collapsing under the weight 0.98

00:15:31.580 of gender the weight of a fascinator yeah exactly so this like so a body that's not

00:15:37.500 just automatically recognized as being available for consumption is so horrifying that that we

00:15:43.420 respond with gorgeous well i always and again this may have to be cut

00:15:49.420 the ring light has fallen okay my vanity has caused this okay my vanity has caused me to set

00:15:58.800 it up in a shoddy fashion. I need my ring light now. Now it's going away. Okay. So wait, wait,

00:16:05.240 wait, wait. Sorry. Okay, hold on. Take me back because it's really important. Oh, you're gorgeous.

00:16:11.040 Yeah, something that I hesitate so deeply to say because again, and I whatever, but I remember

00:16:16.360 realizing in college, there was this dynamic where with my friends, okay, which was they were more

00:16:23.360 critical they were they were willing okay they felt comfortable criticizing how good an outfit

00:16:29.480 looked let's say we're all getting dressed to go out okay and i'm put on an outfit and come out

00:16:34.340 they were more willing to criticize what i was wearing the outfit when i was thinner this is so 0.98

00:16:39.660 fucked up are you ready okay so let's say i'm i'm at my skinniest okay i'm snorting at a roll 0.99

00:16:45.620 off at the end of the rest it's whatever eating nothing but caesar salads in the dining room okay 0.99

00:16:49.840 i come out they're willing to go like that belt that belt's doing a weird thing on your

00:16:55.020 on your waist okay however okay gain 30 all right suddenly i come out in a let's just say

00:17:02.080 now quote ill-fitting skirt it's like okay oh there she is okay someone's going out 0.98

00:17:10.240 someone's getting ready to get fucked tonight okay and it's like because they see me as actually 0.63

00:17:16.900 they see me as quote beyond hope beyond fixing yes yes so i'm beyond being tweaks i'm tweaks 0.99

00:17:23.560 can't help you now you're beyond so all we're gonna do is support you blindly scream gorgeous

00:17:27.980 and put a little thing on your head because the assumption being that you somehow are so fragile

00:17:33.760 right you you've been you've taken such a huge hit by the 30 pounds that to say god you know

00:17:39.660 that shirt is doing something weird on you is like you would cease to even exist and you would

00:17:45.300 you would be so incapable as if you don't already know the criticisms that are being flung at you 0.99

00:17:50.260 because of the weight gain as if you already don't have the goddamn mental acumen to be like 0.99

00:17:55.500 it's so offensive it's so hurtful for them suddenly to just go like there she is yeah okay 0.98

00:18:04.220 and it's like i mean you could even test it like you could act actively put something on

00:18:10.740 yeah that's a problem and if they don't acknowledge it well that's like when someone

00:18:15.620 posts a pic of you that like you think is heinous and you're like so i guess you you think that

00:18:20.720 photo is an accurate representation of me good to know right right you know what i mean right

00:18:25.160 it's also like oh i i i don't know if i've told this before but it it literally killed me and it's

00:18:31.580 it's a personal example of deep uh patronizing more offensive than just the the simple truth

00:18:37.400 Okay. So one of my oldest friends sees a photo of me on Instagram. Okay. And in her mind assesses

00:18:44.740 that I have apparently lost weight. She sends me a text. Okay. That's a paragraph long. And it says

00:18:52.600 something like, um, I don't want to like, because I don't want to, um, support the idea that that

00:18:59.580 weight loss is inherently, uh, what's the word? I don't know. Good. Okay. Like, because I don't

00:19:04.660 want to like propagate notions of blah blah blah blah blah you know this sort of thing okay so i

00:19:09.260 don't want to say oh my god you look so great you know you lost weight because of course you always

00:19:13.520 look great but i do want to say congratulations because you know this to me means that you're

00:19:20.160 happy and you're no longer using food as a palliative no palliative palliative you know

00:19:27.420 like palliative care oh my god i hope that friend was ripped out of your life no she remains my

00:19:33.660 best friend okay just kidding okay okay but palliative isn't that and the idea of the

00:19:39.900 thinness somehow equating health or happiness is one of the most shocking well it's so much worse

00:19:46.340 it's such a worse statement like i'd much just prefer like the ignorance of congrats on the

00:19:52.080 weight loss you know almost over congrats on well you must no longer be using food as your drug

00:19:59.120 that is so crazy but obviously we have gone deep into weight we've gone into the final taboo and

00:20:07.040 we'll continue to explore it no but that is a result of new year's resolution talk because

00:20:12.240 the new year's resolution and weight loss are inextricably linked that is the thing right

00:20:16.340 number one hitting the gym i'm gonna lose 20 pounds this year um and who wants to lose it

00:20:21.480 when the others do who wants to lose it when the others do is all i'm saying but i i hate working

00:20:26.600 with other people working so so like i certainly don't want to work on myself with a group like 0.61

00:20:32.120 all of us like slobs come back from the holiday and we all show up at the gym no no it's an 0.76

00:20:37.580 indignity so here at poog we want to officially rebuke the new year's resolution of weight loss

00:20:41.580 while retaining the personal right to express my own anxieties and insecurities around weight 0.99

00:20:48.600 just feel fat and move on get a goddamn grip 0.99

00:20:51.840 if you want to join a gym join a gym but don't give them what they want which is the january 0.99

00:20:58.920 3rd sign up yeah aesthetic okay hate to take you away but we must go to commercial

00:21:05.540 welcome back to poog so in this discussion of the new year new year's resolutions there is

00:21:19.680 something inescapably attractive about the new beginning and even as here i laugh at the needing

00:21:25.960 the calendar to tell you when to change your life you can change it tomorrow you can change it

00:21:29.240 november 4th you know but it's like there is something just so attractive about it like right

00:21:34.760 now i'm imagining getting a brand new calendar you know and those clear pages and and a new

00:21:38.960 beginning and that is very poogie and right if i may be so bold the kind of with the arrival of

00:21:43.460 the new tincture comes a new beginning and a new way to live and so of course i'll be seduced by

00:21:48.020 the by the new year's resolution and i and i do have some some that i will share and um maybe i'll

00:21:53.960 do that now or what do you think i just want to talk about one thing that's a psychological dynamic

00:21:58.080 for me of jan one okay that yeah really affects me particularly in december so how do you uh

00:22:05.020 visualize time okay specifically the year okay so for me it's very much based on these month

00:22:11.320 calendars that hung above the blackboard etc in school okay and so it's from left to right

00:22:17.120 okay jan feb etc you know the months now here's the thing you'd be surprised you would be surprised

00:22:23.600 indeed march or april which comes first okay well by the way it's too easy that one's too easy but

00:22:29.540 i struggle give me another okay rapid fire okay is june seven or six that i know because my birthday

00:22:36.060 month's july so okay looks like you're doing better give me another give me another april and

00:22:40.180 may april's first no you know because when i say it that way because if i go may april you haven't

00:22:44.740 heard it it's impossible to trick you okay okay it's impossible i know i know it's hard so obviously

00:22:51.200 we go november october i'm not sure where april falls around april may june is confusing no

00:22:58.480 march april may is confusing march april may march april may is real confusing 0.94

00:23:03.040 it's like 10 polls and there's no temple there april may march no no jan feb is easy as fuck 0.96

00:23:11.000 okay okay i feel like october november december is easy as fuck because it it always march 0.98

00:23:15.560 it's crazy center gets a little soupy in there the center cannot hold the year so so all right 0.74

00:23:24.040 so much to say by the way are you a synesthete much like myself you know synesthesia where you

00:23:30.320 experience things like that okay i don't know i experienced dinner at lunch what does that make me

00:23:36.180 okay okay but here's the thing because i'm because what i'm tempted to do right now is

00:23:41.740 to go into which colors the months are for you but we can talk about that after do you have strong

00:23:45.940 you know no okay so march feels green to me though indeed but that might just be the spring 0.97

00:23:53.000 for you god damn it you're right how pathetic okay okay um okay so last week of december and 0.97

00:24:01.300 first week of jan okay okay those are merely a week away right to me however they are not 0.99

00:24:08.180 okay they're absolutely not it's not because of the holiday break folks okay it's not because

00:24:12.860 of a long weekend it's because when i get as we are moving towards the end of the year and that

00:24:18.080 language means something to me visually okay it's headed all the way to the right there's a thing

00:24:23.140 that happened this is new year's eve for me are you ready i have to fly through space all the way

00:24:28.960 from the way right end, a.k.a. December, I have to fly through absolute space in the air to get

00:24:35.780 all the way back to over on the left January. I see. So next year is as far away in my mind.

00:24:43.200 Yeah. As last January. No, I was going to say, I see that. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah.

00:24:47.640 They're both 12 months backward to the left. Yeah. Is that not crazy? So these are some of

00:24:53.220 the reasons that I struggle with time management because I'm not even going to tell you this week

00:24:57.920 about how i picture the weeks in a month and what next friday means to me and visually i just want

00:25:03.440 to say the amount of time between tuesday and saturday is crazy what do you think is one of

00:25:07.320 the quickest monday to tuesday probably i think sunday to monday see but the hell of it stretches

00:25:13.340 it into agony i think yeah well sunday okay do you don't even have colors for the months i mean

00:25:18.140 for the days of the week no i don't have monday monday feels red thank you that is it that's the

00:25:25.740 answer. Really? That's mine. Okay, you ready? Are you ready? Tuesday is kind of yellow. Wow.

00:25:30.880 What's yours? Electric blue. Yeah, see, I don't have it. Monday feels red, but green. I've always

00:25:35.520 felt that I would die on a Thursday. Oh, wow. If I was gonna say what day of the week you feel like

00:25:40.920 without literal associations. Yeah. Okay. Without any not being lit or not. Oh, Kate loves Thursdays.

00:25:46.480 I feel like kind of like the word Thursday. Wow. I feel a little bit spiritually Thursday,

00:25:50.840 actually. Feels like you. I'm waiting for you to tell me what I am. Okay. I'm sorry. I mean,

00:25:55.420 i really feel that you're sunday i had a feeling you were gonna say that really

00:25:58.720 yes okay my favorite game that my mother made us play is um called uh oh no i can't remember

00:26:08.900 okay i'll have to get it during i'll have to get it during the uh okay it's a game where you do

00:26:15.700 if i was an animal what would i be it's a guessing game but it's it's abstract it's

00:26:20.480 completely abstract and non-literal and it's really like that okay so but as we talk about

00:26:24.100 resolutions i do have some because i am seduced by the idea of a new beginning and i constantly

00:26:28.920 want to change my life right and so for example i've spoken about this briefly on poog but at the

00:26:34.240 beginning of the pandemic the first couple months i was living a life i had never lived before i was

00:26:40.480 going to bed and i'm talking about lights out my eyes are closed at 11 seven o'clock like lights

00:26:45.940 lights out girls i'm gone and then the eyes have been effortlessly opened at 659 like yeah

00:26:53.800 shock grasshopper full grasshopper and then i was doing i can barely even say it i was doing

00:27:00.700 a half an hour morning pages i was doing a whopping hour of yoga and then i would do a 0.95

00:27:07.180 20 minute meditation yeah okay and it was and i did it every goddamn day and it was 0.69

00:27:14.740 great morning it was and i and i dubbed it my sacred morning and i realized the morning was 0.96

00:27:20.260 sacred and i have always laughed at scoffed at and hated those with their sacred mornings

00:27:24.780 those people out in the morning with our golden retriever their mug their steaming travel mug

00:27:31.000 you know and their cymbalta i always i was always envious but then i started to really feel it i too

00:27:39.940 could have a sacred morning and i do want to return to a sacred morning and here's the thing

00:27:43.580 sorry no but i have been waking up earlier i find that it does help because i struggle with time

00:27:49.920 management and debilitated by the day as you are too. We can't, where does the time go? I've always

00:27:55.580 said, I don't know how people work out because it takes four hours. Yeah. I don't believe in the

00:28:00.160 quick workout. However, I have to say, and this is a new year's resolution. This is me kind of

00:28:04.940 plugging someone, but I really do enjoy this Instagram. Melissa would help. I forgot where

00:28:10.420 I got it initially. It went on the account. I signed up. It's $10 a month. I believe you get

00:28:15.320 all her workouts. And again, this is not sponsored. I am not. Hello. I will take a free membership

00:28:19.800 now Melissa and I am loving it's like Pilates mix with yoga and she has videos are like from

00:28:27.460 10 minutes all the way to 45 and I have found that if I even just if there's a day where I

00:28:31.740 can't bring myself to move and I go you have to do the 10 minutes it's worth it now do you once

00:28:37.580 you do the 10 minutes start do you do more occasionally the quick workouts bum me out

00:28:44.100 I mean everything everything does I think it's just because changing activities

00:28:47.820 is hard for me with add okay um with my hyper focus okay changing activities is very uncomfortable

00:28:56.020 so i i when i'm in something i want to stay in it you know yeah oh i feel that which you know

00:29:00.760 when i'm and that's like the embarrassment when i'm doing the yoga i'm literally like

00:29:04.700 i am saved yes oh i'm i love it so much and yet you know as you know can't bring yourself to

00:29:11.000 bring yourself back into a state you can't come in you yourself enjoyed no no and every time when

00:29:16.340 i do like when i hit like a 30 minute mark and i'm doing it i'm like kate this is the time that

00:29:21.060 you take this information and you go next time you're like i can't do it i really don't want to 0.59

00:29:24.820 remember this moment it makes you feel so much better you feel relaxed you're not on your goddamn 0.90

00:29:28.200 phone it's like that's why i'm a stand-up as guaranteed time i couldn't be on my cell phone 0.97

00:29:33.040 like that's now all i'm looking for is a guaranteed time that i can't be on my phone like that's why

00:29:38.120 i love showering so much i can't be on my phone that's why i love sleeping you're not on your

00:29:42.020 interesting i i do not get in my shower without my phone you've said that i don't i've taken

00:29:47.340 baths with the phone but how do you get what do you mean i simply bring it in and i let the chips

00:29:51.560 fall where they may what it's not in the shower now iphones are literally waterproof no yeah i

00:29:58.360 think they are the new ones are literally you don't have to plug them with the silicone little

00:30:02.080 tab okay wow but i've been doing it for literally as long as i'm pretty sure i used to take a

00:30:09.020 portable and in there in like 99 where would you prop it up usually i hold it i pass it back and

00:30:14.180 then i use the um i use it like so here's the thing that i'll do it will get you know steamed

00:30:19.640 up and wet and stop accepting my thumb yeah so then i reach out i grab my underwear that's on

00:30:25.180 the floor i drive with my underwear okay if the underwear isn't accessible i use the shower

00:30:32.180 curtain oh the cloth outer version okay but yeah i am i always have said i live free die hard when

00:30:38.600 it comes to the iPhone. I won't be in a prison of the delicate iPhone existence. I'd rather let it

00:30:45.760 fall, let it die and know that I've been living my life. Wow. No, I mean, that's where Steve Jobs 0.52

00:30:51.840 gets it wrong sometimes. OK, where he acts like it's the Zen simplicity that he was going for.

00:30:56.640 Yet there's nothing simple about how slippery iPhones are. Like the fact that they don't come

00:31:02.180 with a rubberized case is absurd. Like the fact that you have to add that. Well, that's what you're

00:31:06.520 paying for this illusion of the fragility of this object that's like it's an art object right i mean

00:31:12.720 it's you know it's it's sensual it's metal the most beautiful that had the metal i still have

00:31:17.560 this was gorgeous i don't even know what this is i have an oldie i still have the button i can't i

00:31:21.960 can't even turn on these new ones without the button on the bottom okay so back to just a

00:31:26.600 couple resolutions i want to say so i really am and i hate myself for saying it because we've heard

00:31:31.680 it forever. And I can't even bring myself to say it. Move 30 minutes a day, no matter what.

00:31:36.720 Oh, God. Kill me. I'm so depressed. I'm so sorry to say it. 1.00

00:31:40.280 Oh, OK. I have something to say about this. So so the thing is moving 30 minutes a day,

00:31:46.220 et cetera, et cetera, is absolutely a thing. Joyless. OK, it's a joyless concept. OK,

00:31:54.380 it does not ignite the imagination or the soul. God, I love you.

00:31:57.340 So I refuse. OK, now I've thought about this recently because I've recognized I'm starting

00:32:01.540 to have the thing where because of no exercise in the last many months i am starting to have like

00:32:06.040 the pain from no exercise but this is this is ugly and i wrote this down to tell you are you

00:32:11.680 ready for this it's horrible it's horrible news okay not all muscular aches can be solved through

00:32:17.180 stretching and massaging and theragun sometimes are you ready you have to strengthen the muscle

00:32:22.500 to fix it that's not devastating i realized it was like oh my back hurts because i have to

00:32:27.700 strengthen my core, uh, hell. Okay. So anyway, movement has to come back. And I decided the

00:32:33.920 other day I'm an optimizer. Okay. And I refuse to experience things unpleasantly. Okay. I will

00:32:38.680 not move for whatever. I just will not. So I've decided that I'm going to create sort of an

00:32:43.360 elaborate, I refuse to do exercise that has not been imbued with magical spiritual, um, thing,

00:32:49.380 not a single movement. So what I, what I came up with the other day is I want to animate certain

00:32:53.060 archetypes in my life. Okay. And so I decided to choose the archetypes, the king, okay, the king,

00:32:59.220 the queen, okay, the, you know, wise crone, okay, the magician, the alchemist, whatever the fuck, 0.95

00:33:06.260 okay, I'm gonna choose some, I'm gonna get like pumped about them. And then I'm gonna base my 0.98

00:33:10.600 movements around them. So I'm gonna I'm gonna choreograph my own workout. That's like a magical

00:33:15.980 ritual. Okay. So for example, in which I go into king, and I have movements in which I'm prancing

00:33:22.360 around okay as a king okay and i'm embodying that and exploring it okay then a warrior etc okay

00:33:28.040 and so but i'm gonna do ones that really like excite me and then i'm gonna do like sacred

00:33:32.560 dancing okay which is like throwing rose petals yeah you know the song um the joni mitchell you

00:33:38.940 know river it's the one right i wish i had a river so long i teach my men do i'm really horrified

00:33:48.060 i'm struggling because of the panic of trying to sing it her dolphin register it's around christmas

00:33:54.500 i wish i had a river i could get away i made my baby cry okay i'll be retaking that later okay

00:34:09.700 i'll be retaking that later okay because i can sing except for when scared now some would say

00:34:14.660 that means you can't sing okay i believe in possibility transformation what were you saying

00:34:20.160 about joanie mitchell so i was listening i was listening i it came on yesterday as part of our

00:34:24.480 christmas carol um tunes and um or it came on yesterday i started dancing in the living room

00:34:30.820 i remember the love of dance okay and i was dancing with all my soul okay my when when i am

00:34:36.480 when i'm spiritually and imaginatively engaged i will move my body to the point of just pure

00:34:43.140 exhaustion yeah with no with no hesitance no dancing is the only way way it's the pathway

00:34:50.320 to god it's a pathway to all of it is dancing and that i mean that is one of the most gruesome

00:34:54.780 casualties of covid is is is the lack of dancing you know what you do when you park when you when

00:35:00.600 you go to the mall you park as far away from the entrance as possible yeah yeah take the stairs at

00:35:07.300 work sure anything about just trying to get the body to move more yeah you hate that i refuse

00:35:13.600 okay i like that i do but i will say about i will say and i'm going to look up some of my phone

00:35:19.260 because i want to get it right i will say that i i do find and i and i will be doing the mat work

00:35:24.340 i will be doing the melissa wood health i will be doing some of the the floor pilates low impact is

00:35:29.300 what i enjoy but i have to say it really is true because what i do the main thing i do for exercise

00:35:34.920 is i just take walks right i mean i think i but i do and so but i did see online this certain

00:35:43.540 treadmill which really captured my eye and i'd like to officially say that this is on my christmas

00:35:49.440 wishlist even though it is the new year's resolution episode new year's this is the

00:35:53.480 new year's resolution wishlist the walking pad r1 pro treadmill now this was sent to me by kate and

00:36:00.140 i sent this to jacqueline immediately i said oh my god it's a walking treadmill and here it comes

00:36:04.980 folks takes up hardly any more space than a yoga mat it folds up so so oh my god in my dream last

00:36:12.720 night i was on a treadmill i just realized second then that means it's gonna happen looking at the

00:36:17.100 image to recall the dream so something like that could really be huge you said it to me and what

00:36:22.620 what was the conversation just read the text i want to hear it okay let me bring it up you just

00:36:26.480 sent me a screenshot from the strategist right i sent you it was on the strategist and i sent me

00:36:31.540 a screenshot hang on pause i sent you a screenshot and then you said i need that now and i said now

00:36:37.580 same and then i said i really wish i had done more research before the christmas episode and

00:36:46.120 then i said oh wait new year's resolutions duh yeah the wishlist never has to stop if you are

00:36:51.700 empowered and knowing your desires so the treadmill i want it so bad so that could be huge for me and

00:36:57.360 then so listen folks i realize here i am being you know screw weight loss screw dieting and now

00:37:03.580 i am begging for a treadmill but i i hate it when people say this but i swear to god it's true it's

00:37:08.860 for mental health i really do fine it's true and i'm i'm devastated every time every time i work 0.95

00:37:15.160 out and i feel better mentally i'm like god damn it right because it god damn works for months and 0.91

00:37:20.880 And it's so tiresome. 0.88

00:37:23.140 No one wants to talk about it. 0.95

00:37:24.080 It sucks, but it's true. 0.94

00:37:25.340 When you sweat and are panting, you just do feel better. 0.98

00:37:28.600 It's horrible.

00:37:29.240 I wish it weren't true.

00:37:30.120 And it's hell to do it every time.

00:37:32.100 And I need it also because sitting is killing me.

00:37:35.100 Sitting is killing me.

00:37:35.940 The posture is killing me.

00:37:36.960 I need a standing desk as well.

00:37:38.700 What I really want is the walking thing plus a standing desk.

00:37:42.240 No, I hear you.

00:37:42.940 I once in my optimization work back at my parents' house created a desk that attached to their treadmill.

00:37:49.520 Okay, so hang on.

00:37:50.140 so I want to do the exercise thing. I'm sorry, but it's true. And then my, by the way, my

00:37:54.500 resolutions are boring. They're what everyone's are, but yeah, me on my phone last, but truly

00:37:58.660 I almost bought a Palm pilot to get out of the Apple hellscape. And I, I, you know, I can't,

00:38:04.460 it's just, it's, it's robbing our every moment. And, you know, we all know that, but truly,

00:38:08.620 how do we get out of this pure hell? We've lost everything and we continue to lose it at a rate

00:38:13.000 that's so alarming. And so what I would like to do is, and the fact that I even have to say this

00:38:18.080 is just such a humiliation. And in fact, I'm not going to, well, here I go read every day,

00:38:22.840 but truly it's like literature shall free us all. Fiction is the only way through fiction.

00:38:29.780 Shall we all find ourselves and hope in our ancestors? And I, the 2021 for me is the year

00:38:36.760 in the headline for me is the return to fiction. And, um, I just think that I really need that.

00:38:42.040 And then I think if I can really return to to the written word and sweat, I'll be OK.

00:38:50.360 See, I can't do any of those resolutions at the moment because the feeling of around New Year's resolutions and everyone doing it.

00:38:56.620 It's horrible. I know. I know. I like to wait for everyone.

00:39:00.500 Like I used to like really hate being in the library in college when other students were in the library working.

00:39:05.860 Like, yeah, I had to like wait until like 3 a.m. and they were all gone or like finish my work over Christmas break.

00:39:11.220 like taken and completes and finished.

00:39:12.660 So I like to work when other people aren't working.

00:39:14.860 And you know what it reminds me of?

00:39:16.040 Yeah.

00:39:16.500 Back to school.

00:39:17.480 Well, that's the true new year for me.

00:39:19.140 That's the new year.

00:39:19.920 It's September.

00:39:20.660 It will always be September.

00:39:21.500 Back to school pencils and pens, but the notebook's clean.

00:39:24.740 And you go, oh, it's the first day of class.

00:39:26.720 And you open the page and you've dated it.

00:39:28.600 And it's all so gorgeous.

00:39:29.980 And then 12 hours later, it shambles again.

00:39:32.660 And so it's like the humiliation of the fresh page,

00:39:35.960 which serves only to mock the pages to come.

00:39:38.580 No.

00:39:38.660 and what how do you write your your name in the in the if lost you know and you write your name

00:39:43.860 in there in some handwriting that can never be sustained what's your reward for a lost journal

00:39:47.780 i just always write reward and then with my phone number i don't know i have to check it depends on

00:39:53.060 the journal it really depends on the journal i think it's i was thinking about the state of my

00:39:56.600 computer should i write a hearty reward okay or i was thinking i was thinking okay or like on my

00:40:02.960 iphone like like a hundred dollar reward come on that's a pretty good get like that's a pretty good

00:40:08.840 deal i have to just return it otherwise you're like sell it and unlock it and all this kind of

00:40:13.820 stuff um yeah i like to like i i i like to work when no one's working it's absolutely my favorite

00:40:19.380 like it it's it's a comforting feeling so i don't like a good morning kind of i remember i hate the

00:40:24.280 the new year's kind of chat okay like the chat around the new year about about the the resolution

00:40:30.460 like like I resent it I remember a very embarrassing moment in my life that's referenced near

00:40:35.560 constantly around the new year is I was on the phone in the context of the my advertising work

00:40:41.020 and talking to a client after you know the new year had begun and they said something like do

00:40:45.300 you have any new year's resolutions and Chris overheard this me say oh I always like to say

00:40:51.400 I have January to figure it out is that embarrassing I don't understand what the problem is it's just

00:40:57.080 like it was me trying to say something that had a little bit of charm but not too much right right

00:41:03.640 and like i got off the phone and chris was like i always say i have january to figure it out

00:41:08.340 oh yeah it's just like humiliating by the way i got a little distracted there i'm gonna tell you

00:41:13.300 why and it's something that's been happening lately and i'm should i be worried more and

00:41:17.520 more lately i think i see mice and insects in the corner like more i like this may be too

00:41:24.220 disturbing for it to be on air like i feel like more and more i'm like like i look over and i

00:41:29.180 think i see a mouse and there's nothing or i'm like oh is that a cockroach on the floor and

00:41:32.900 there's nothing there what is that what would the psychic what would what's the emotional weight of

00:41:36.600 that well i think um you know like kind of a sense of creeping danger or like a sense of like right

00:41:44.920 almost i need to be more alert than i'm being or something like i need to be like oh that's scary

00:41:50.440 I need to be. But I remember one time sitting in my New York apartment and staring absentmindedly,

00:41:57.080 just thinking, and your eyes are kind of like blurring, right? And then my eyes kind of came

00:42:01.320 into focus. And I realized, not only was I staring at a mouse, I was staring into the eyes of a mouse,

00:42:06.940 okay? Me and a mouse were making eye contact. And it was in a pot. It was in a pot on my stove.

00:42:12.980 So cute.

00:42:13.720 It was really cute. And then like we look under the stairs, and there's a doorway shaped mouse door.

00:42:20.440 no just like in cinderella like it was ridiculous i put steel wheel like steel

00:42:24.780 did you scream you know i i can't you know i can't recall okay but it was pretty it was pretty

00:42:30.060 exciting um i celebrate your your resolutions okay i i by the way i think being on phone less

00:42:36.660 is not a useful goal it's too abstract it's it's like it's i know what it is it's it's i want to

00:42:42.900 be on it half an hour a day good luck bitch but that's my dream well yeah there are ways there

00:42:47.720 are ways to make it happen okay but anyway i celebrate and acknowledge but i i simply cannot 0.97

00:42:52.180 join you um it's it's too dark and dangerous forest for me to enter i respect that i respect

00:42:59.000 that all right we're gonna go to ad and we're back to poo i remember when i was a teenager

00:43:12.400 i would do these sort of yearly goals uh but it was goals versus resolution a resolution is too

00:43:19.680 high stakes for me yeah resolutions are too high stakes and stressful i just i just know but a goal

00:43:26.740 i can i can get behind a goal is a little more i know resolutions feel like self-mutilation like

00:43:33.180 there is something that's so dark about like even here is i'm like i'm gonna move 30 minutes a day

00:43:37.760 it's like or not at all and i'll be fine yeah and that's obviously the ultimate horror which i came

00:43:43.580 to reckon with my sacred mornings my hour yoga my journaling my meditation was i better off right

00:43:49.100 were you actually better off and how is there a way to measure that was there a way to even measure

00:43:52.840 that i ayana van zant i think is her name but um yes ayana i remember her talking about instead of

00:43:58.980 balance balance balance okay which is always pushed you know uh oh you want to balance your

00:44:04.460 family life and you're da da da and you're da da da okay it's like she was like she's like that's

00:44:10.880 too hard and like too i mean she didn't say it like that but she's like that's not necessarily

00:44:15.720 sustainable okay this kind of divide up and have equal tension pulling from these different areas

00:44:21.380 of your life so she said instead she seeks to have harmony so let's say you can't spend you know a

00:44:28.180 third of the day with your kids a third of the day working and a third of the day whatever it's like

00:44:31.720 no like you go away for three weeks working and no one sees you but you you know not make up for

00:44:38.860 it but i just like i really like that okay i like that too i like rapture by the way do i even know

00:44:45.620 what rapture is what's rapture well biblically i believe it's like when like they all the souls

00:44:52.420 get like lifted up to heaven i guess i'm just thinking of like ecstasy like i'm like yeah is

00:44:57.860 room for ecstasy in resolution do you know what i mean like i want ecstasy i want rapture i want

00:45:03.860 resolution i want hedonism i want to roll in the garden and i want grapes like shoved in my mouth

00:45:10.300 i don't want i did my thing today i did the thing i said i was gonna do let's check it off in my

00:45:16.280 bullet journal's new uh i don't want balance sucks okay and guess what i want to scream at

00:45:22.500 the glory of the sun yeah okay i want to roll into the the majesty of the moon you know here's

00:45:29.420 the thing people say balance and what they what they mean and it's rude is an equal division of

00:45:35.820 you know exercise okay all these are you saying yeah okay one-fifth of my life is this one-fifth

00:45:42.100 of my life is that come on however the truth of the truth of balance okay sometimes balance is

00:45:47.940 achieved by a tiny thing over here and a big thing over here find it equilibrium uh you could

00:45:55.000 have 60 grapes and one small there's also some things to be said about this idea of peace and

00:46:02.080 the way peace is boring like the idea of the measured like oh yeah i'm up at 6 a.m and i'm

00:46:06.060 jogging and i'm writing in my journal and i'm doing this and there's and there's such there's

00:46:10.440 no room for like i said rapture or like i don't know strong emotions yeah or like what well when

00:46:17.280 do you weep when do you scream out in pain or when do you let the pain flood you it's like we have to

00:46:22.280 give ourselves and this is something that i'm thinking about a lot it's just like no serenity

00:46:25.820 as hell you know running towards the pain and like right letting the pain really overtake you

00:46:30.440 and we live in a grief you know we fear grief in this culture and we don't yeah we assume that

00:46:35.660 negative feelings are something to avoid under in which they show the grieving oh of course sicilian

00:46:40.900 woman on the shores yeah and it's like no sometimes we do need to pound the earth and wail and you

00:46:46.060 know in this culture and when i say this culture i barely know what i'm referencing yeah but i just

00:46:50.760 but there's no this is always the case but there isn't and one of the thrills of using the word

00:46:55.240 okay but we need to give ourselves more room for those feelings because sadness and and pain and

00:47:01.460 grief are inevitable and the wellness day okay the wellness day this is part of the reason i just

00:47:06.400 painted my office navy blue and dark okay i want dark and gorgeous in certain ways thank you

00:47:11.320 Okay. Is I'm tired of fresh and airy. Okay. Like that the ideal work environment is blonde,

00:47:18.120 blonde sort of woods and white walls. Okay. Is this sort of model of serenity. See, 0.87

00:47:24.820 this is the thing when we, when we say wellness, I think you picture this kind of moisturized skin,

00:47:31.480 placid expression, all that stuff. And there is no, there is no passion in that life, right?

00:47:36.780 You and I want to be wailing on the beaches. We want to be rolling in ecstasy. Okay. We want

00:47:41.040 highs and we want lows and so my wellness will not be a homogenous in that way yeah my balance

00:47:48.280 so to speak will be the tiny thousand pound nail on one side of the scale you know and then and

00:47:54.440 then six thousand grapes on the other equaling it yeah that's what i was trying to say about

00:47:58.980 balance like for something to balance you know it doesn't just mean equal division of a well

00:48:03.640 well you know your life's like a um like a pie you know like a pie chart well both really okay

00:48:09.280 yes you divide it up into triangles it makes me sterile that's why yeah my exercise is going to

00:48:19.240 be this this is why i'm self-choreographing spiritual ecstatic quote exercise i will no

00:48:24.760 longer use the word exercise okay it is moving meditation it is alchemical bodily corporeal

00:48:32.060 uh magic by the way that is what changed my relationships to yoga because i always had

00:48:36.840 anger toward yoga and then I realized oh it's not exercise it's meditation and that really did help

00:48:41.420 I was like if I just focus on my breath then it really and I got again here we are with the breath

00:48:45.640 I hate that it's real but folks the breath is real I'm sorry it's real no I'm sorry guys it's

00:48:50.640 like it's like I want to tell you that don't breathe who cares but it's true the breath is

00:48:54.720 real it's real and I I I despise I've I've never liked taking a full breath and I've had to work

00:48:59.900 at it it's hard it's hard but the pie you're so right the sterile kind of vision of your life

00:49:05.020 as these pieces of pie that ultimately serve sorry capitalism right it's like this idea like

00:49:09.560 of um of unlike poog no it does because it's like it's like meditate because the idea is like

00:49:16.080 meditate so that you can write your book faster and it's like that's all meditation is about

00:49:20.240 productivity above all costs right like like productivity is valued in a way that i guess

00:49:27.600 it wasn't not everyone was always obsessed with productivity as a value the idea that night has

00:49:34.880 been robbed from us and again i'm speaking as you know i have a little bit of information i take

00:49:38.420 fragments over the years and piece together like a horrifying collage of rhetoric but there is

00:49:43.340 something about like yes of like the the 24-hour work day right and the the idea of the endless

00:49:49.000 we should always be productive and we can always be producing and so that you have no value if

00:49:53.540 you're not producing much like a you know steam engine operated 19 we're still stuck in the

00:50:00.220 industrial revolution applied to our own bodies in italy they go home for lunch this is key to why

00:50:06.980 i i don't do resolutions okay i have been to the desert and back i have been through the forest of

00:50:13.240 every productivity model i mean i i i truly could teach a variety of systems getting things done

00:50:18.520 david allen's uh gtd shout out gtd fans um you teach i'm sorry i could i could is what i'm saying

00:50:26.240 Okay. I thought I said I teach truly. I mean, I don't, I'm not going to listen right now,

00:50:31.100 but I, I, I could teach and I have, I mean, I, you know, casually to friends. Okay. Now have

00:50:36.600 the times when I've been using those systems been my most productive? No. Wow. Okay. There it is.

00:50:41.300 I wrote my first book. I developed, you know, my show in an absolute unadderald free state that

00:50:49.660 involves naps for days, you know, and, and you do have to survive. Right. So like at the,

00:50:54.900 during these times I'm doing sort of advertising type stuff. Right. But it's like, get that done

00:50:59.400 at 2am. Who cares? Right. Right. Your productivity, if you are going to worship at the altar of it,

00:51:04.680 which, you know, fair enough, if you're creative, whatever you want to produce things,

00:51:09.160 it doesn't have to look even regimented into little squares. So anyway, I've been there and

00:51:14.780 back and realized that I ultimately have gotten more done living a hedonistic. Well, it's like

00:51:20.680 my thing about shame-free naps, okay? I think it's really important to take shame-free naps

00:51:26.060 so that you don't manifest illness in order to give yourself the right to nap.

00:51:29.740 Wow.

00:51:30.120 So you're not manifesting a headache so that you can lay down. So it's like, I'm going to lay down.

00:51:35.440 I even was thinking about giving myself, quote, sick days, okay, to kind of hack the mental system

00:51:40.180 of, I'm going to lay down, I'm going to eat soup, I'm going to treat myself with the kind of care.

00:51:45.020 That's smart.

00:51:45.760 And I know they'll talk, a mental health day, you should take one, blah, blah, blah. It's a

00:51:48.900 corny and the word self-care has reached a point of hell okay i love what you're saying and i think

00:51:53.940 that's also really why we're such close friends that we are both driven by hedonism and i also

00:51:59.240 like and chaos is my preferred method it's the only one i truly know and the more i turn away

00:52:03.920 from that the more i suffer this idea of the kind of model of like beating yourself into what

00:52:08.820 someone else's version of productivity looks like okay it's never going to work for me well it'll

00:52:12.540 be an endless fight i mean me on adderall and what that looked like and getting up and doing

00:52:17.280 my brain training exercises and moving into this and that and nothing being done versus me sleeping

00:52:22.800 for three hours, writing, taking it to the Italian restaurant, ordering a pasta, doing absolutely

00:52:29.060 nothing for a few days and then working really intensely. It's the truth. Yes. And there is

00:52:35.380 something here where you're talking about, about pleasure, about punishing, like this world of

00:52:39.660 beauty, right? And this world of the skincare regimen that we, that we speak of and all of

00:52:44.000 this. It's like, there's a way to do that to punish yourself or to live in fear, which I can slip into

00:52:49.040 of like, I've been using my serums wrong. Yes. Right. Or something. And it's like, but what

00:52:53.120 about your titillates, the fear titillates for the most part? Yeah, it doesn't go completely over for

00:52:58.020 you. I think there's the pleasure right in like in indulging in the obsession. Yes. I feel like I

00:53:03.440 feel like indulging obsession to me feels like pleasure because obsession is something I do

00:53:10.720 naturally and my brain goes towards. And so letting myself do it on something technically

00:53:17.240 harmless. There are times where the skincare regimen or the productivity model or any of

00:53:22.420 those things, obsessing over those things does have a juicy pleasure to me. There's an addiction.

00:53:27.460 I love it. I love researching those things. A lot of times it's not about it's not about the

00:53:32.340 productivity model serving. I mean, just like the skincare thing, it's the novelty of the new

00:53:37.000 system it's the novelty of the new product and it's okay to enjoy novelty i mean novelty

00:53:41.900 sets off something in our brain doesn't it i mean something fires in the brain because

00:53:46.220 that's a new kind of squirrel and i gotta eat it i actually hate how everything goes back to

00:53:50.340 cavemen you know what i mean well when we were running from lions when we were still i was

00:53:55.720 activating our stress system but now it's not a lion it's your landlord exactly exactly we don't

00:54:03.520 know the difference anymore because we evolve at the rate of blah blah blah i despise it and yet i

00:54:09.160 find myself running to it as quickly as i run to a hitler analogy maybe even worse no but once again

00:54:16.620 the the obsession uh the search is revealed to be the the center a new year's resolution to me

00:54:24.820 can't have the quality of joyful obsession or indulging in my own obsession because a collective

00:54:33.620 urge doesn't feel like what obsession joyfully feels like to me. Obsession joyfully feels to me

00:54:40.260 like I'm going to turn away from the others and go down this path myself into this thing. But also,

00:54:46.180 but the hell of a resolution, okay? A resolution is a line that you are trying to maintain,

00:54:53.260 Okay. It's like this question mark and then check it off. You know, like it inspires nothing because

00:54:58.140 it's too tangible. Okay. Resolutions are too static. You're not following instincts. You're

00:55:03.480 not following impulses. Right. A resolution is, is a like, it's homework. It's homework. It's why

00:55:09.380 POOG is about submitting to an endless and open sense of possibility and transformation. Right.

00:55:16.940 I worship more at transformation as a act, as a state than I do at what I'm trying to

00:55:22.840 transform into.

00:55:23.660 I don't care what I'm transforming into, right?

00:55:25.760 I'm just, I'm deeply inspired by transformation itself because that means I'm living in a

00:55:29.900 magical world where things are possible.

00:55:32.400 Gorgeous.

00:55:33.640 I love it.

00:55:34.480 Listen, we have to have room for pleasure and hope and there will be a pleasure even 0.99

00:55:40.440 in the, amongst the wreck, even amidst the, amongst the wreckage, I've become stupid. 0.99

00:55:45.400 Is that what I'm trying to say? 0.98

00:55:46.300 even amid the wreckage we have hope and we have beauty and we have pleasure and we have poog and

00:55:52.700 we have poog and we have you the listeners and truly it's going to be a wild year of poog you

00:55:59.040 know sure the world may crumble but poog honey the internet the internet's stable as far as i

00:56:03.460 can tell so poog will be going out goodbye and see you in the new year see you in the new year

00:56:09.580 That was POOG.

00:56:12.060 If you enjoyed POOG, please subscribe, rate, and review.

00:56:15.820 If not, we will press charges.

00:56:21.340 This is an iHeart Podcast.

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Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - December 29, 2020

New Year's Resolutions

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