00:18:30.180Am I carrying it through the bathroom?
00:18:31.480Am I almost holding my facial expression in a similar tone to the one I did at the table?
00:18:36.460Or do you just you drop you get up, you turn and you drop or the drop and how quick you
00:18:40.760drop is is like like the cruelty of the drop.
00:18:43.760like i mean i think we talked about this about like you know walking away from people i carry the
00:18:47.800i carry the facial expression of the last little like charming laugh the quip for fear you turn
00:18:53.820you're four paces you hold four paces but then it's gotta go do you ever do you ever perform
00:19:00.740the drop as a way to because i found myself a couple times perform the drop no to myself like
00:19:06.060maybe you're having a little small talk with someone it's kind of a professional
00:19:08.960interaction. Well, I know. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. You turn and you drop it almost
00:19:14.840immediately as a private recognition that that wasn't you. Oh, brilliant. Absolutely.
00:19:18.960I find myself doing that or a continuation. I personally, I'm imagining myself at the two
00:19:25.180person dinner. My impulse is to carry the conversation into the bathroom and to remain
00:19:31.020white knuckle grip. It's white knuckle grip. I have the white knuckle grip. I don't want to lose
00:19:34.580it. You're experiencing the ecstasy of intimacy and you don't want to lose it.
00:19:38.320I don't want to forget because I want to go back because it's one of the most stunning things I've ever heard ever articulated what you said about going to the bathroom alone in the movie.
00:19:47.580And that that's that's actually the most that's the most myself I've ever felt or the most I've never if I could just hold on to that interiority, as you said, and also that feeling of of selfhood and of independence and yet remaining held within the social container of still being at the movie.
00:20:07.440you're so protected because everyone's in there and it's also this feeling of you know where
00:20:12.660everyone is and you and you also it's the direct experience of knowing where you're going to
00:20:17.780return you're leaving for a moment and you you have absolute you're there's no way you're going
00:20:23.580anywhere else except back into that seat first of all like i mean like like maybe life is is the
00:20:28.380trip to the bathroom you know like in your soul your soul knows your soul knows where that you
00:20:32.600get to return but like here's the other thing like i was as you're saying i'm like okay there's
00:20:36.280something also about the selfhood feeling more pronounced and sacred and actually kind of like
00:20:42.240lovely i don't hate myself when i go to the bathroom in the mirror i mean in the movie
00:20:47.400right there's something there's something about myself that they feel sacred and i think it's
00:20:50.600because this is this is like let's say it's 200 people in the theater it's like you know that
00:20:54.860their brains are all currently entrained on this one experience you're missing it yeah and yet but
00:21:00.560but you're there's something you're not missing which is you're the only person let's say you
00:21:04.580feel that you're sometimes you can tell i mean it's like if it's a small theater you literally
00:21:07.820know you're the only one you know you're the only one not in there right and you're like they're all
00:21:12.440thinking and experiencing the same thing like somewhat you know what i mean like they're all
00:21:15.900continuing this thing and i am not i am one of them like it's like you also get to be like this
00:21:20.620hero kind of like like like this individual who like is briefly not you were you broke away and
00:21:29.020yet you still belong to the group let's not even get started on the liminality of that place
00:21:32.800that is the ultimate not not me you are not in the theater but you're not not in the theater
00:21:37.640are you still seeing the movie of course you're still seeing the movie but you're not seeing the
00:21:40.760movie in that moment god you have you have retained and insisted upon your own individuality and yet
00:21:46.640you still completely belong to the group oh my god wait how do you feel about silence out in the
00:21:51.640lobby versus music out in the lobby during that experience because because or out in the or the
00:21:56.720walk past walk to the bathroom walking past the closed doors of other theaters it's so cute
00:22:02.320it's literally children asleep in their bed yes and like when you hear when you hear also
00:22:07.880the little bit of the clamoring oh an action movie right are you here though like that is
00:22:12.440that i mean talk about cozy the coziest feeling in the cozier world just like
00:22:17.960and you know like in those moments they're experiencing like that those gunshots or
00:22:24.140whatever or like those explosions on the screen mean something to those people in the theater
00:22:28.260and they don't know it's no it's the din of the of the parents downstairs it's god it is yeah it's
00:22:34.780the party happening downstairs and you're asleep in your bed oh my god it's um it's it's like no
00:22:40.980it's voices floating up it's but the darkness like like oh and then i was gonna say i think
00:22:46.020it might also feel in a way i feel like that walk to the bathroom is the closest experience we have
00:22:54.500to what it might feel like to be a ghost walking the surface i was hoping you were going to say to
00:22:59.600die well there's definitely a death feeling yes yeah like that's the closest to death i've ever
00:23:05.780come because in if you're a ghost yeah if you're a ghost yeah if you're a ghost and you're among
00:23:13.000okay you're it's the same thing because if you're a ghost among living people right yeah hundreds of
00:23:19.240let's say you're walking down the street from new york city as a ghost okay they're all experiencing
00:23:24.580and you know entrained the same movie this one level of reality same movie which is life on
00:23:29.100earth yeah and you are witnessing it aware of it aware of their entrainment know what they're0.98
00:23:34.040looking at but you are you are in those moments not a part of it yeah damn got it god that's good0.98
00:23:40.120oh god that's fucking good i want to if we can identify these these kinds of liminal see it's0.98
00:23:47.100it's not because it's not just you know there's too much here it is okay folks an epiphany to0.94
00:23:52.760see look like i was getting spiritual dollar signs which to me means it's the same thing as
00:23:57.120someone picturing the widget you know then they produce one million and oh look at the money
00:24:01.160they'll have i started to go we got to do this more we got to find more moments like this we
00:24:04.100can find more like this i don't know trust me jacqueline in his last moments i was like well
00:24:07.240here's a book there's a book in here and then i was like and i was like and here comes i was like
00:24:11.060this is film this is cinema how can i express this i'm like you're already expressing it you're
00:24:16.220actually in the microphone this is you are expressing the idea is here it's never enough
00:24:21.440i i need more and i and again i'm grasping wait there was an epiphany that not a major one oh i0.99
00:24:28.680know what it is right they always say they're fools they're fools okay say go to your happy0.97
00:24:33.220place okay now that's like a cliche you know like like it's like a meditative sort of guided0.99
00:24:39.300relaxation yeah well like go to your like you know like close your eyes go to a place that's
00:24:44.400comfortable for you go to the beach i'm like the beach is so loaded and the beach is so stressful
00:24:48.920but instead of go to your happy place they always make it they always make it space instead of time
00:24:54.840okay what about go to your happy time what about so so the intersection of time and space is what
00:25:00.200they need to go so for example if a meditation had led me to the hallway during a movie see i'm
00:25:06.040saying where it's always a it's always a location they think location will automatically relax
00:25:10.900what if it's no it's 4 p.m on a monday afternoon after school okay it's raining
00:25:18.520and you're at home okay and you put something you like you make a little soup or something
00:25:26.160you just heat it up okay and it's heating up and you're deciding what movie you're going to
00:25:29.540pluck off the shelf all right and put it in and the rain is on the roof oh my god oh and oh and
00:25:36.080there's it's it's gray no school tomorrow then there's the neon of the microwave light that's
00:25:40.760always been huge for me yeah the neon of the of the because i don't even want to say it's no school
00:25:45.260tomorrow no no you're right that that's too easy because that's too extreme oh yeah it's more that
00:25:50.200you haven't hit the point where tomorrow feels like it's crushing you yeah that's beautiful
00:25:54.460Jacqueline. This message is sponsored by Raycon. With summer in full swing and so many celebrations
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00:27:04.340they don't get uncomfortable i've been using these constantly ever since they arrived whether i'm
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00:31:24.400Unbelievable. Caffeine being added to Element. I stopped in my tracks.
00:31:30.300Kate, you realize that caffeine doesn't actually give you energy, right?
00:31:34.260I love caffeine, but as you know, you got to be careful with the way you're ingesting caffeine.
00:31:39.820No, it just blocks the receptors that make you feel tired. That's a painful truth and one that,
00:31:45.920Well, I guess Element is interested in helping us navigate.
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00:32:10.860felt better when I had an electrolyte drink during a deep workout or a sauna session.
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00:33:29.760you. Do you have any dreams from childhood? Do you still remember early nightmares? I think
00:33:38.380I remember my first dream ever, which was that I was in some kind of gift shop, obviously a
00:33:43.240wonderland for me. And there was a carousel, the carousel of postcards. I know it well,
00:33:49.040which used to be a really important thing for me, like the postcards, the carousel.
00:33:52.840And I'm looking at the carousel of postcards. And then there's just a witch there,
00:33:56.460just like a classic, like witch. And that was, I think my first dream because I was in a stroller,
00:34:02.900I was being strolled. I like, I was in a stroller and I was observing the,
00:34:06.240the postcard carousel from the stroller oh my god and i once also saw a witch it's like early
00:34:12.480like childhood magical reality stuff where i thought i saw a witch on a broom like sail
00:34:18.700across the sky oh fantastic so cool um it was also like around halloween
00:34:25.400therefore legitimizing like that maybe it was well i have a memory that i you know arguably
00:34:33.280could have been a dream but i still like prefer to kind of stand by that i saw the easter bunny
00:34:37.760okay which is like not even like no one thinks that myth is real like but no i believed in the
00:34:43.960easter bunny after santa santa was revealed to be false i told my parents i said you have to tell me
00:34:49.680if he's real or not because a lot of the kids are saying he's not real and i just need you to tell
00:34:53.800me is santa real and it was before school and i remember my parents were like yeah it's not real
00:34:58.360and i was like i wish i had never asked like i got a meltdown and then it was like weeks later
00:35:05.240i was like easter buddy's real though right oh no i was like not the easter buddy too that is so you
00:35:11.440like the anxiety appearing okay they're like easter buddy's right right because that voice
00:35:15.200easter buddy's right is what you do when you're like you're walking a thin line between safety
00:35:22.700and danger okay you know me and you're like if i if i just say it casually like this it's almost
00:35:27.340like the gods won't notice the gods won't notice if i just quickly ask for the thing i want to be
00:35:31.240true i know you're like the rabbit's real right the rabbit's real though if i say it quietly
00:35:35.660yeah like because you don't want to be like the rabbit's real and then the universal screen bag
00:35:39.060no it's not so you're like right right you're like very specific of your psychology through
00:35:43.260gesture and i mean the tooth fairy don't even get me started loved the tooth fairy but i
00:35:48.420thought i saw the easter bunny downstairs i went down for a drink of water it was like a huge
00:35:53.280you know walking Donnie Darko bunny whatever yeah and um did the bunny look at you was there
00:36:00.080an acknowledgement I can't remember now I've lost it now I became too accepting of the idea
00:36:05.300that it was merely a dream and so I've sort of lost the memory but wait well you know my Santa
00:36:10.120Claus what they had to do no I had anxiety that I'm sure I've told you this I was like I'm so
00:36:16.020excited for Santa to come tonight I'm so excited for Santa to come tonight
00:36:20.200like and then like crying hysterically thus revealing they were scared as a little child
00:36:29.340that i was like terrified okay it was like so i was trying to like i was trying to be positive
00:36:33.920about it right i'm so excited for santa to get denied and then like crying and then it was like
00:36:42.160or this is how my parents describe it is almost like i'm saying i'm excited saying i'm excited
00:36:46.640and then like it's like but i'm saying it with an intensity that's revealing something under the
00:36:50.540surface and then um then like a like a freak out and then um the fear i was like my fear was of
00:36:57.160surprise okay um anticipation and surprise this used to happen to me if someone delivered pizza
00:37:02.120to our house same thing if i know something's coming it's like this when's it gonna happen
00:37:06.500so i was afraid that i would go to the bathroom in the night yeah and run into santa okay santa
00:37:12.340like this this like i'm gonna head out into the hallway and see santa and that was frightening so
00:37:17.580i was really freaked out by it so what my parents told me it was really cozy okay was that well you
00:37:24.100don't have to worry okay because because um because santa has to get to so many houses
00:37:31.300yeah what he does he actually drops off some of the gifts in advance and so the gifts have
00:37:37.400Santa is already the gifts are already here and they're hidden in dad's closet okay they're hidden
00:37:42.780in dad's office okay and so they're already here and we're gonna put them out isn't that the best
00:37:48.560it's that's so sweet no because what you're saying really rings true to me I know that you know that
00:37:54.080I do this now it's like let's say you're at a restaurant you know you're like you're have your
00:37:57.780you know I want the chicken pot pie right and they come over and they go we're out of chicken
00:38:00.960pot pie and you're devastated right but then you go well you know I'm actually excited to get the
00:38:04.460salmon you know and then like so and being like being like i'm actually looking forward to it no
00:38:09.120no this is actually exactly what should have happened and it was the mushrooms the whole time
00:38:13.820yeah yes and this is it's never been revealed on poog and i'm going to try to say it once in one
00:38:19.400sentence instead of the 70 sentences that got cut from a previous episode right i'm gonna try it i
00:38:25.340want to say the mushroom thing i'm gonna try i'm gonna try that was cut yes are you sure positive
00:38:29.960here i am saying it was the mushrooms the whole time assuming the listener knows that the deep
00:38:33.700listener will know what i'm referring to no right right no no it was cut because i internalized that
00:38:37.820it was cut as oh that was quite interesting i thought that was so like important but yes i did
00:38:42.600take nine minutes to say this is very and i will say just to preface this is feels very because
00:38:47.780this is such a true this is to me is evidence of you really knowing my deep psychology yes like of
00:38:52.420how i feel so seen by you and one of the great things about you is that you enjoy being seen
00:38:57.400even called out so to speak yeah i'm not called that called that's too like culturally loaded
00:39:02.720yeah but like if someone is observing you or knows you well enough to actually be able to maybe
00:39:08.300gently criticize is almost too strong a word but is able to kind of point out your own pathology
00:39:14.120to yourself yes divine divine and and you light up so it's really fun i love it but the mushrooms
00:39:20.400the whole time thing which you know could be a t-shirt um is simply i observed kate's psychology
00:39:26.680including my own, sitting at a restaurant, deciding what to order. And we were deciding
00:39:30.800whether to get some kind of mushroom, a mushroom mousse as an appetizer, or there was a side of
00:39:36.140roasted melange of different mushrooms. We were deciding going back and forth and Kate was having
00:39:40.240a lot of anxiety. I mean, just, and the thing is we're in it together because menu anxiety,
00:39:46.480making the right choice, all of that is huge for me as well. So we're really going into it. Like
00:39:51.600life depends on it yeah and i i got to a point where i was able to say that i really think it's
00:39:58.320the roasted mushrooms and we can get them as an appetizer even though they're a side yeah genius
00:40:02.440by the way yeah recommend to all listeners okay a side can be an appetizer it's huge okay so
00:40:07.560like so like roasted mushrooms sound great so yeah so so so so it's like i was like kate it's
00:40:14.740the mushrooms okay oh no it was like this is more what it is i'm still because i'm not doing that
00:40:18.420thing yet i go i think we should get the mushrooms i think the roasted mushrooms are going to be
00:40:23.540infinitely more satisfying whatever and kate this is the key of her psychology goes you're right
00:40:28.460it was the mushrooms the whole time okay and and and it was a mushroom the whole time like like
00:40:35.320and what it revealed was kate's desire for something to have to be absolutely certain
00:40:42.860and so certain that it was inevitable right it was the mushrooms the whole time fate led us
00:40:48.420to it being the mushrooms and that puts her at ease it's huge it's so big to your psychology
00:40:55.300it's just so central and it's not far from mine right it's like part of my psychology so i can
00:41:02.400recognize it in you desire for certainty and as you said fate this desire yeah inevitability yeah
00:41:08.320this absolute truth that my own behavior my own nothing could interrupt it that nothing could
00:41:12.900get me away from that it was always going to be the mushrooms and i can surrender forever but
00:41:16.980and that certainty is like so much of something i chase and something i'm having to let go of
00:41:22.320right as i strive to be an adult but wow but it's also it's also i think there's something very
00:41:28.540joyous and it's almost a hyperbole as you know maybe this is one of the lovely facets of the
00:41:34.680hyperbole that you and i so enjoy and that trump almost took from us i don't want to talk about
00:41:39.640but but anyway it was like we start now we start talking about trump right do the entire
00:41:46.100what if poog what if poog was like what if poog was like cheeto man i was gonna say cheeto man0.52
00:41:54.680over here he wants to sleep with his daughter oh my god who doesn't what if poog became like0.58
00:42:03.700just hell what if pook was us being like 2020 was a dumpster fire i know i know so wait where were0.68
00:42:12.200we because it was deeply exciting oh the mushrooms right you're the certainty and then i'm trying to
00:42:16.020think where else and so oh oh hyperbole so it's like it's like one of the joys of hyper that is
00:42:21.140a version of hyperbole to me that's joyful is to just choose to believe that it was the mushrooms
00:42:25.580the whole time like isn't it more fun and we love doing that right like i feel like even like when
00:42:29.780we would go to um like you imbued uh russian samovar or whatever samovar in new york city
00:42:35.640on what like 57th and 8th or something yeah and like and you imbued that with a kind of meaning
00:42:40.940okay and you get into this thing where it's got to be samovar it's got to be samovar we got to go
00:42:44.180to samovar okay yeah and then it sort of takes on this meaning that's another level and it's like
00:42:48.080it's like it's fated to be that restaurant it's fated yes i just should we talk about restaurants
00:42:52.340a little bit for fun it's no because i'll start weeping because it's the only purpose of life is
00:42:56.640to be in restaurants and but you're right there's certain when was the restaurant invented is a huge
00:43:01.640question for me i have a theory but i'm not sure and i and guess what you've never considered it
00:43:06.680right you've never considered it i completely i'm stunned all right maybe we'll okay we'll go to
00:43:10.920break and you revel in that okay i just want to say that i wanted to spread a lie and i was even
00:43:18.920considering really kind of starting to spread it i was going to spread a lie that i went to juilliard
00:43:23.840because i was like that actually i think if you if people thought i went to juilliard for acting
00:43:28.820i would never say that no i guess i was considering like what if just i started
00:43:33.500telling people to kind of start slipping that into conversation then i did go to juilliard
00:43:38.720because i did go to juilliard okay see i know you're lying okay i know but here's the thing
00:43:44.380i was silent with the excitement okay because currently and i had to take it out for space
00:43:50.600and then I had to put it back in because I missed it too bad currently in my uh profile okay on
00:43:55.840Instagram I don't say I went to Juilliard but I do have a quote that's meaningful to me from
00:44:00.100save the last dance okay that I think is both hilarious and whatever which is do you want
00:44:05.120Juilliard oh my god I've never noticed that that's in your Instagram bio yes okay dash save the last
00:44:11.460dance I assume it's there unless I made room to promote something okay because yeah it's not there
00:44:17.940right now fuck okay it was there literally a week ago okay and it's going back in it's going back in
00:44:23.420whatever it doesn't matter but yeah everything about Juilliard Juilliard is is is the catnip to0.98
00:44:29.620my ego in a way that the devastation of not having gone to Juilliard I mean you talk about there being
00:44:37.800no no language for exercise in the home growing up I feel like no one raised the possibility of
00:44:42.860juilliard generally to me you know like i just truly thought it was something others found their
00:44:49.160way to and i don't even know what i would have gone for you know what i'm realizing i'll just
00:44:54.160say that part of my lying my mother um tells a story about how she lied my mom has a self-consciousness
00:45:00.880of having not gone to college and she was at some party some dinner party and the topic of harvard
00:45:07.920came up and someone was like, who went to Harvard? Maybe it was like, it was some kind of like gala
00:45:12.900or something, or like, there was like someone in the microphone and people at tables. And my mom
00:45:16.260raised her hand and just like, to kind of gain the power of like, I went to Harvard. Right. And
00:45:21.540people kind of looked at her like, Oh, you know, and then a friend that knows her goes, you didn't
00:45:26.040go to Harvard. And she was like, she was like, I went for two years. I left. See, that's the gift.
00:45:31.080You have that gift, that lie, that secondary lie, the defense lie. I heard you in that so
00:45:37.420hardcore the um i wouldn't have two years left that is like that's like a you lie yeah you know
00:45:42.100what i mean because it's very it's very good it's it makes sense i don't know i just i hear you in
00:45:47.240that it's like wild no i'm realizing oh that's totally my mother's influence because how dare
00:45:53.060you tell me i didn't go to juilliard who the hell do you think you are and all that me going to
00:45:57.720juilliard really means to you right is me saying i went to juilliard huge and i think this is huge
00:46:03.680So I did go to Juilliard. I did. No, no, as did I. That's why I was trying to claim it earlier. I was trying to because I thought I felt that it was very clear that there was a benefit to doing this. OK, psychologically. And so I said, well, you know, I did go to Juilliard. That was me dropping right into it. Of course, you shut me down instantly. Apologies. And I understand, you know, but no, we went to Juilliard.
00:46:26.180um harvard though can be a curse where it becomes uh you have there if someone has gone to harvard
00:46:34.840right that causes me to ask myself do i think they like uh do i think they are up to the snuff
00:46:44.340of what i believe harvard is okay okay so so if someone's gone to harvard that causes me to pose
00:46:51.300a question of how smart do I think they are, right? Are they matching up to Harvard? Are they
00:46:55.900below? Are they absolutely above? So like, I have a friend who went to Harvard, who I regularly,
00:47:01.040anytime she does something genius, I'm like, Harvard, okay, going to Harvard, that she's so
00:47:05.500over the top. Okay, not that she got the genius there, of course, right? But I got that's the
00:47:10.300Harvard. Okay, there it is. That's the the essence in you that was Harvard bound, okay, from the
00:47:15.160start. And then there's other people who I find out go to Harvard, I never forget it, because I
00:47:20.760go they're a fool and an asshole i do not see how they slipped inherited wealth i mean that's0.99
00:47:27.820the because at this point if you're going to harvard if you're still you know dining at the1.00
00:47:32.220table of the ivy league like it's so antiquated we've already now we know college is like
00:47:36.400essentially useless in a ponzi scheme like unless you know yes of course for the friendships and be
00:47:40.960exposed to new ideas but also do that in your apartment with your friends or like download a0.97
00:47:45.220goddamn syllabus like it's a it's just you know more and more and it's really great that college0.96
00:47:50.240should be like kneecapped right kneecap and it's an affordable and there's no protection0.99
00:47:54.720in the knees is that what you mean hitting the knees yeah like the mob term
00:47:57.760ease of which you said yeah it's got to be kneecapped it was like wait i know you think it
00:48:06.680was like yeah so you know college should be yeah you know revealed for what it kind of truly is or
00:48:12.540kind of what it allegedly promises has been right revealed to be a lie you know so we know that now
00:48:21.420and so having like wearing the harvard sweatshirt in this world now is so strange like i'm obviously
00:48:27.900not actually saying that it's like wearing like a swastika but there's something about it that
00:48:32.220feels like there's something about because we also know that that system is like deeply like0.99
00:48:37.980racist and like yeah like so fucked up and corrupt and so it's like you're holding on with a white0.99
00:48:43.980knuckle grip to these symbols that have been kind of stripped of their power and so but they still1.00
00:48:49.320hold power so totally like if i were to walk around in a yale sweatshirt but it does make me
00:48:57.120kind of scream with power in a certain way no right can you use the symbol i'm actually i'm
00:49:02.680gonna buy a juilliard sweatshirt i just realized i'm like absolutely racing i'm absolutely racing
00:49:07.220because i think if i start line with going to juilliard and then someone calls me on it i'll
00:49:11.940just go i haven't actually decided yet no no no no no but you i i agree i i okay i flew forward
00:49:20.360with this okay because in my mind so so someone goes you know i know you didn't go to juilliard0.55
00:49:25.600okay and i scream out of course you don't know shit about me first i say like i just in a general
00:49:30.140sense, even to a good friend. Right. I go, what does that mean to you? Right, right. I investigate0.88
00:49:38.160their ideas around Juilliard. Okay. So it's it's like, it's like, or you know what I got? You
00:49:45.120didn't go to Juilliard. I go, you did. Okay. That's crazy. Okay. No, it's actually I'm going
00:49:52.340you did. I did. We all did. Okay. Yeah. For me, you know, the fantasy, the fantasy of Juilliard
00:50:00.120and i you know is young prodigy that's that's what it's about for me i've always yearned to0.82
00:50:06.100be a young prodigy for me it's the sex sex behind that behind the um uh juilliard it's so 90s
00:50:14.780well also it's what's that other dance movie um i'm looking up juilliard sweatshirt uh new york
00:50:21.140it's not abt but it's like abt it's called something else oh there's the ballerinas sorry
00:50:27.820i'm scoffing at the the contemporary juilliard font but continue sorry that i will be buying
00:50:32.640the sweatshirt i want to see it it's heinous it's like it's like helvetica's uncle it's like
00:50:37.700it's a bad one that's like go for the classic go for the like they're trying to modernize with a
00:50:43.360sans serif kind of like yeah give me give me serif the font doesn't have this but the font
00:50:48.920is communicating as if the sweatshirt said juilliard period of course like that's like
00:50:54.100like that which is no i get that and juilliard period to me is like is like it's like juilliard
00:51:00.940need i say more yeah yeah like here i'm gonna have to go to ebay to buy good ass julia yeah
00:51:06.440here's a vintage 90s juilliard sweatshirt size xl fifty dollars free shipping but it's xl i know
00:51:12.280you don't wear xl i love an xl i love a big one so i'll expect a package delivered quite soon
00:51:17.860i'm racing because i'm afraid i'm this is the race of ebay are you gonna catch it before i do
00:51:22.240hold on oh vintage shopping with a friend i'm watching it vintage i should hope so
00:51:29.560vintage juilliard sweatshirt do you recall shopping with a friend like what's that
00:51:36.220shopping with a friend as being a movie wait this doesn't make sense oh you know what well
00:51:45.580here's a big question did you spell juilliard right i'm pretty sure i did i did you know about
00:51:50.460the i in the first part of the word honey i learned the hard way but i know now but yeah to be
00:51:56.720like the shame of a well-rounded liberal arts education you know like i was ashamed before
00:52:03.580i went into it and i was ashamed after but but the seduction of well-roundedness yeah
00:52:08.420i remember once walking in this gym thinking i gotta actually get an informational session
00:52:19.520you know, like I could actually find out about the gym without them hounding me for the rest
00:52:24.200of my life, you know, and it was impossible. And I remember, and it's this thing like,
00:52:27.460what's your current exercise routine? Okay. And it's like, I always default to this kind of like
00:52:32.840three to four days a week yoga or something like, like I give her some lie and I think I'm out of
00:52:38.600here. Like, I'm not coming back. Like, don't ask me a single question. And I believe the last time
00:52:43.880I did this, I had the courage to say nothing recently. Yeah. Train dancer, of course, from
00:52:48.000youth okay certain muscular memory remains but i just yeah i don't i don't like uh them i don't
00:52:55.240know there's just something really wrong about it however i do have glorious memories as a child
00:52:59.460of accompanying my mom to the gym wow and sitting at the snack bar watching her do the exercise
00:53:06.020classes so to me the gym's just like french fries and a little paper cup my parents never exercised
00:53:11.020the exercise was not even considered there was no language for it in the home my mom would go on
00:53:15.940walks and my dad would walk up and down the stairs just in the house but that was really it
00:53:22.760and so i yeah notoriously thin no my parents ballooned in the late 90s the late 90s to the
00:53:31.300early 2000s and they both went on weight watchers and i remember that was huge for me because i
00:53:35.760used to wake up with like mars capone cream on pumpkin bread and you know and i was like dessert
00:53:40.680it was ice cream every night and then i remember when my parents went on weight watchers it took a
00:53:43.980toll i of course was still able to eat whatever i wanted but yeah they went on weight watchers
00:53:48.280and and they did eventually lose it but yeah no the question of of of whether whether and how we
00:53:56.880talk about weight on poog is is important because and i don't know where we've landed because uh
00:54:02.620it's the final taboo no it is and we're some say money is the final taboo maybe but i think it's
00:54:08.000women talking about weight it's women talking about weight and obviously we're not we're not
00:54:12.340up pushing and let me tell you the sponsors have written in that we've some diets have tried to
00:54:17.920get on poop they want us to advertise and we refuse to diet cultures is hell you know food0.72
00:54:23.820is now a superstructure to control women a patriarchal superstructure to control women's
00:54:27.680bodies and so we don't want to do that however i also don't want to hide that like i don't want
00:54:32.840to be robbed of my self-hatred i don't want to be robbed of my neuroses around my own weight like
00:54:38.160Because there is an expectation that any woman speaking about expressing any self-hatred or
00:54:44.140self-body hatred or anything is damaging to others. And I think that's probably both true1.00
00:54:49.160and unpoliceable. Also, I want to live in a world where we're not allowed to acknowledge the low
00:54:54.520grade anorexia that every woman suffers because she was born. Like there's forever this idea,
00:55:00.020like body positivity, of course, like, and it takes work to like love your body and to not
00:55:06.020literally hate your body and try to scratch it off like that's a huge accomplishment but like0.91
00:55:10.640there's this deeply condescending language to like the body positivity movement as the women are0.96
00:55:16.760unable to and again there and again i should have thought of something smart to say before we hit
00:55:22.620record but help me you know what i'm trying to say well what it reminds me of when you're talking is
00:55:26.500uh celebrity interviews that i read in magazines as a kid and as a teen in which it's like what
00:55:32.440does Heidi Klum you know how does she stay trim or what's her whatever and it's like not eating
00:55:37.580yeah and they always say like they always present these kind of healthy oh well you know I would I
00:55:44.400don't deprive myself and it's like them putting out this I don't diet thing in order to not
00:55:51.680negatively influence young gals right it's like you're you're fucking me up even more because I0.93
00:55:57.320don't understand how like you're able to well I indulge a couple times a week no exactly it's like1.00
00:56:03.000it's like I know what you're doing you're not eating yeah it's like I remember I can't remember
00:56:06.780if I mentioned this on a past book episode or in conversation but I remember being eternally
00:56:11.620traumatized by Christina Ricci interview I read in which they were talking about you know how do
00:56:16.480you manage your keeping that waste or whatever and she said well I find that when I want something
00:56:21.600sweet i actually can usually just curb the desire by eating a pickle i think i remember that see
00:56:28.080these things go in like spells go they lodge deep indelible on the hippocampus yes no it's
00:56:34.480completely they lodge and so that of course i was never able to dislodge and so i'm almost just like
00:56:40.960i need more of these actresses and i need more of these people to be like i don't eat so then the0.98
00:56:47.840rest of us can be like starve for two weeks they exactly yes like tell like give it to us and give
00:56:52.820us i don't know i want the ugly truth you know like it's more comforting it's like because what
00:56:58.460i feel less than when i hear that they're able to somehow you know the classic remember when
00:57:03.160mini meals would be described as a handful of almonds was one of the meals well by the way
00:57:07.640magazine thing it must have been cosmo and i remember hearing it christina aguilera her food
00:57:13.760diary which right there so yeah the violence of the food the celebrity food diary and the word
00:57:18.680diary her snack her snack 12 almonds and a piece of fruit and so i of course took that to heart
00:57:24.960my friend who who writes on tv shows okay she said the actresses always asked for cut fruit
00:57:32.320like like that was the only thing they were willing to sort of eat on camera that was the
00:57:36.300thing it was like cut fruit and i always think cut fruit oh my god i've never waits the final
00:57:42.700taboo. And even when you said the word obese earlier, you know, I panicked. I panicked because
00:57:47.500like, is there a way in which, you know, by merely uttering that word, is that offensive?
00:57:53.580Do you know what I mean? Like literally acknowledging the existence of sort of a
00:57:57.360spectrum. But those lines, I remember specifically, I remember my family got like a new scale. And
00:58:04.840maybe it was one of those ones that like zaps a beam through you and tells you the, you know,
00:58:09.020different um you know your constitutional issues you know you're 30 you know you have 40 pounds of
00:58:16.400fat you have 60 pounds of bone whatever okay whatever my family got it was this thing where
00:58:21.160everyone plugs in their identity into the scale so you climb on you hit number four you climb on
00:58:26.520hello Jacqueline and it basically like said like like my brother was obese like I was obese
00:58:31.600we weren't morbidly obese but we were obese and like for years you know particularly in the 90s
00:58:38.320the word obese was just thrown around to mean it's a moral failing exactly exactly and it's0.99
00:58:44.780that thing where the medical term becomes the insult right right you know idiot once was a0.98
00:58:49.980i think a medical term is there a term for being medically ugly um oh that's another thing i want1.00
00:58:55.500to say which is i was like alongside this kind of condescending language on women's bodies and1.00
00:59:00.840talking about oh my god like fat and something is like being gorgeous and this need for like
00:59:04.900you're gorgeous and being gorgeous i'm like this is huge i mean the world would change tomorrow
00:59:08.800what we need are hideous women on billboards what we need are like we need to as soon as we0.97
00:59:14.520don't like we need to like this inability to acknowledge the ugly woman is so0.96
00:59:20.900i could not i could talk about this for 30 hours because here's the thing i don't have the
00:59:27.300conclusion like what i'm saying is very like like scrappy and not well thought out and i feel like
00:59:31.940but sorry keep going I just I'm tired the condescending language around women
00:59:36.880the thing see I realized a number of years ago that me being absolutely unwilling to acknowledge
00:59:44.720myself finding anything unattractive okay yeah is actually deeply patronizing right
00:59:50.420so let's just say so anytime someone describes someone else as god forbid ugly okay I lose my
00:59:59.980mind okay and start launching into why they're not right because i am look at those eyelashes
01:00:05.700or just because to me actually quote being ugly okay is and i have to put in quotes because i
01:00:12.220can't even acknowledge it as a state no because i also apparently so it's so offensive a reality
01:00:17.920that i couldn't allow a person to even in their absence be that thing so i i thus reveal that i
01:00:25.560am more judgmental of ugliness because i think it's a it's a it's a state utterable truth so
01:00:31.180so yeah so the reveal is that i'm worse than all like someone being like yeah they're kind of an
01:00:36.380or whatever you ever hear someone say that i'm like i'm like shaken to the core and lying in
01:00:42.740bed at night like trying to like talk to myself about how like everything and everyone is beautiful
01:00:47.860it has to be true and i do believe it and i do believe it's all in the eye and you got to turn
01:00:51.640the eye to see the majesty of yet another of god's creations i feel that too and that includes
01:00:57.760let's say you get burned in a fire okay that yeah that's also part of god's creation okay is
01:01:03.460the events that unfolded during this life but i think also there's something about and this is
01:01:08.220when it gets into really like the condescending feminization of like any and all bodies like for
01:01:12.860example picture somebody who's violently impaled and i'm talking about like somebody goes through
01:01:17.840some horrific accident okay wait violently impaled is because to be impaled is merely the sword
01:01:24.760through you you mean i mean you're run over by a train you're set on fire you're thrown off a cliff
01:01:30.520okay it's bad okay and you're you're propped up with the hospital you're unrecognizable so to speak
01:01:35.340you're propped up in the hospital yeah i can i can only define it as that okay go on the nurse
01:01:40.480comes in with a pink glittery headband and puts the little headband on you1.00
01:01:45.660god damn she got a rough deal she is no she's now a thumb all right but because of the pink headband1.00
01:02:01.620yeah wrap her head with the big pink bow on the head weighing down the skull right like the child0.99
01:02:07.700being literally collapsing under the weight of gender the weight of a fascinator yeah exactly0.72
01:02:13.480so there's like so a body that's not just automatically recognized as being available
01:02:18.400for consumption is so horrifying that that we respond with gorgeous
01:02:24.060well i always and again this may have to be cut
01:02:28.160the ring light has fallen okay my vanity has caused this okay my vanity has caused me to
01:02:37.380set it up in a shoddy fashion. I need my ring light now. Now it's going away. Okay. So wait,
01:02:43.700wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Okay. Hold on. Take me back. Cause it's really important. Oh,
01:02:48.700you're gorgeous. Something that I hesitate so deeply to say, because again, and I, whatever,
01:02:54.260but I remember realizing in college, there was this dynamic where, um, with my friends. Okay.
01:03:00.200Which was, they were more critical. They were, they were willing. Okay. They felt comfortable
01:03:05.920criticizing how good an outfit looked let's say we're all getting dressed to go out okay and i'm
01:03:11.900put on an outfit and come out they were more willing to criticize what i was wearing the0.96
01:03:15.800outfit when i was thinner this is so fucked up are you ready okay so let's say i'm i'm at my0.99
01:03:21.880skinniest okay i'm snorting at a roll off at the end of the rest it's whatever eating nothing but0.98
01:03:27.000caesar salads in the dining room okay i come out they're willing to go like that belt that belt's
01:03:32.620doing a weird thing on your on your waist okay however okay gain 30 all right suddenly i come
01:03:38.880out in a let's just say now quote ill-fitting skirt it's like okay oh there she is all right0.99
01:03:47.980someone's going out someone's getting ready to get fucked oh my god okay and it's like0.93
01:03:54.000because they see me as actually they see me as quote beyond hope beyond fixing yes yes so i'm0.98
01:04:00.000beyond being tweaks i'm being tweaks can't help you now you're beyond so all we're gonna do is
01:04:04.700support you blindly scream gorgeous and put a little thing on your head because the assumption
01:04:09.960being that you somehow are so fragile right you you've been you've taken such a huge hit by the
01:04:15.82030 pounds that to say god you know that shirt is doing something weird on you is like you would
01:04:22.520cease to even exist and you would be so incapable as if you don't already know the criticisms that0.99
01:04:27.960are being flung at you because of the weight gain as if you already don't have the goddamn0.99
01:04:32.840mental acumen to be like it's so offensive it's so hurtful for them suddenly to just go like0.99