00:30:07.600okay there once was a farmer who owned a horse
00:30:10.220and had a son one day his horse ran away slower because this changed my life all right there once
00:30:17.060was a farmer who owned a horse and had a son one day his horse ran away the neighbors came to
00:30:24.340express their concern oh that's too bad how are you going to work the fields now the farmer replied
00:30:30.820good thing bad thing who knows in a few days his horse came back and brought another horse with her
00:30:37.920now the neighbors were glad oh how lucky now you can do twice as much work as before
00:30:43.200the farmer replied good thing bad thing who knows the next day the farmer's son fell off the new
00:30:50.880horse and broke his leg and wait for the neighbors here it comes keep going neighbors were concerned
00:30:57.600again now that he is incapacitated he can't help you around that's too bad the farmer replied good
00:31:04.080thing bad thing who knows soon the news came that a war broke out and all the young men were required
00:31:10.380to join the army the villagers were sad because they knew that many of the young men will not
00:31:15.500come back the father's son could not be drafted because of his broken leg his neighbors were
00:31:21.440envious being how lucky you get to keep your only son the farmer replied good thing bad thing who
00:31:28.540knows interesting it ended there that's weird yeah i could have it go on forever i mean i
00:31:37.180because i i thought i sort of remember it like and he died and good thing bad thing who knows
00:31:43.320like they really went there i don't the one that i heard wait is this not the tale because
00:31:47.820something's amiss no no yeah it is no no i just had like you know obviously count no man lucky
00:31:53.860until he's dead the other thing i always bring up no no i don't count no man lucky until he's
00:31:57.760I don't know what that is, but I just was saying what I heard was a similar story, but it didn't involve the good thing, bad thing, who knows, repeating phrase at all.
00:32:06.080It just was like cows, similar things, son's leg being broken.
00:39:16.220and pick a fruit jam for you when you know what I mean when the photo isn't even up on the desk
00:39:21.740I mean that's another thing I'm actually not proud of this I actually slapped my own sheet
00:39:31.260I did like a I slapped myself in the face yesterday you don't have to be you don't have to be it was
00:39:35.460fine but then and then by the way and even as I did it right after I was like I was a little over
00:39:39.080the top but no but I was doing a couple of these little things like I was I was like because I was
00:39:44.400raging. Right. And I was like, I don't want to do the dishes. And there weren't that many. I was
00:39:47.600like, just do them, bitch. And so then I did them. And then it was like, kind of exciting. Like I had1.00
00:39:52.120in a semi rage, taking a picture off the wall, like, or off like a frame thing. Cause it was
00:39:56.980like annoying me. And I was like, no. And I took it off. I'm not living with that anymore. And I
00:40:01.480was like, I have to put it back. I have to put it back. And I was like, I don't want to get the
00:40:04.360chair and stand on the chair. And I was like, you're doing it. And then I did it. And then I
00:40:08.400was like, Whoa. And then I became a little bit euphoric and I started to calm down. And I was
00:40:12.520like and i was like i don't want to meditate because i had meditated oh that's what i did
00:40:16.320so i was like i can't bring myself to meditate so you know what i did i went outside i sat in
00:40:20.320the chair i just did like deep breathing for like 10 seconds the comedy because i just like
00:40:25.240i can't explain it the comedy of you suffering alone is very funny in this way like like if i
00:40:31.280just had a video because you're like so not alone you're very like bring people in call a friend
00:40:35.820whatever whatever so you're just like stewing and sort of marching out to your deck and sitting
00:40:38.900It's good for the steely face with a steely face. I don't know why I could picture you. There's a comedy to use. But wait, I'm dying to go back. Wait, hold on. But the rage and the destroying something. Oh, but they're like, well, I don't want to. You're like, you're like, I should do this, but I don't want to do the dishes. Right. It's truly like we have no middle way. Okay. And this is and I'm not going to go deep into my my young book. Okay. But there but this idea of the Medusa and the Athena or whatever. Okay. These extremes that live in us.
00:41:08.280and that's not the realm of people okay but the point is where's the human okay we don't live in
00:41:13.740the realm of the gods okay and we shouldn't right but we all do like we do it in this way that keeps0.99
00:41:18.380us we animate them from like monster who's like you fucking bitch why can't you clean up you piece1.00
00:41:23.960of shit you know what i mean like or whatever okay and then like i don't want to i'm a woman1.00
00:41:28.020of pleasure okay like these these like these extreme sort of characters that we like let0.99
00:41:33.280war within us and swing back and forth because the central the the third way the middle way
00:41:40.080whatever sounds like a bore a healthy ego deciding like like gently being like you know saying no to
00:41:47.680either god essentially to either extreme yeah oh well that sounds joyless it sounds joyless and
00:41:53.540doesn't young say like i think neurosis is a scorned god and also this idea of like you have
00:41:59.000to live brilliant i love the way he talks about the little people meaning like inside you are all
00:42:04.420these there are these dramas constantly unraveling within yourself and like yes they have lives of
00:42:09.440their own and they have relationships of their own like separate from you oh my god and it's like
00:42:13.620really beautiful to be like there's a thief in you who's running away from you know it's like
00:42:18.980there's all these like constant thief and he calls them little people it's so sweet to think
00:42:23.460that's like little sweet makes them small archetypes constantly small see the small
00:42:28.580archetype this is huge no because the small archetype i'm like okay does that give you a
00:42:33.420feeling of like you know gentle loving curiosity towards them you know what i'm saying because
00:42:37.620you're imagining them as like as small versus i tend to picture the archetype as like outside of
00:42:42.460me huge and like rolling through me because i think of it as like yeah like a giant god and
00:42:48.920because it's collective i make it larger even though of course the collective can now i think
00:42:53.000it was like a little puppet show small you know those like things where it's like a little puppet
00:42:56.440in the chest it's a it's in my chest yeah and like you know did you ever have as a kid oh here comes
00:43:01.860a childhood memory it's coming to the surface it's coming did you ever have that little thing
00:43:05.460where it's a magnet and you hold the magnet underneath and then there's a there's a little
00:43:08.620pawn i'm sorry like a little figure with a magnet on the bottom and then it sets down on the the
00:43:14.440stage and you move it from below you move it from below well i'm like was i raised in the 16th
00:43:19.340century like the fact that i had that toy well and that now you know no sorry i'm just i'm
00:43:25.280breaking news breaking news i never had one as a child i never had one as a child
00:43:29.900my primal wound is like yeah it's like the eyes leaving me for a moment like like like not being
00:43:43.760and then direct like just for a moment someone's eyes but don't you also here's another object
00:43:51.080is that enacted drama actually what you need right so like i don't mean actually what you need for
00:43:57.080health i mean like is it that that's the wound and you suffer from it or do you love the dance
00:44:03.140okay of fearing the eye leaving keeping the eye on you then the eye leaving suffering bringing it
00:44:08.620back no i'm saying like do you enjoy that dance which again okay it's like the idea is like what
00:44:13.880you know what harms us are not our wounds it's our defenses against them right is the idea much
00:44:19.060like freud the neuroses the repression is the neuroses wait wait wait all right sorry so it's
00:44:26.080like if the eyes leave me instead of going oh the eyes have left me and here i am and no one's
00:44:31.620looking and going still alive still alive i'm still here so i can maybe have my own observation
00:44:37.940i can maybe have some pleasure here instead of kind of sitting in that discomfort or that whatever
00:44:44.100you want to call it it's like well i better start tap dancing at a very high frequency now to get
00:44:51.160the eyes back and so that is sort of my defense in childhood grab them back still yeah it's like
00:44:56.900we'll get it back by any means necessary right and then you're banging on the door of the funny
00:45:00.700bone yeah and i think now it's like embarrassing almost to admit but i feel like now i'm trying
00:45:05.740to experience more of like okay you know what even if no one's watching i'm watching like i'm
00:45:11.220watching me guess what my own gaze has value yeah and also being like oh how interesting like it
00:45:17.380kind of hit me yesterday i was doing a quick bath as i tend to do four times a day and i was like
00:45:23.100it was after i've been raging i've been raging tearing through the house and then i hung up the
00:45:27.940picture and i washed the dish and i did some deep breathing and i was like look at you like i actually
00:45:32.820felt I was able to be like you felt good job yeah I was able to be it's like it's reparenting I was
00:45:38.220able to be like oh wow like look at you you were really upset you did these things you took care
00:45:43.020of yourself and now look there's time for a bath and I was able to read for a few minutes okay it
00:45:47.300was huge but I was in the bath and I was talking to myself and I was like or I had this moment this
00:45:52.260feeling which was robbed of me or maybe something I haven't felt since I was a kid and being an only
00:45:56.440child and really feeling like oh no one's around or something like I had this feeling of like oh
00:46:02.140I get to have a little private show for myself of myself. Like I was like, I can't quite describe
00:46:08.840it. But there was this actual feeling of like, oh, even if no one else sees it, I'm seeing what
00:46:14.120I'm doing. And like, and almost like I get to have secrets, not that the secrets or anything.
00:46:20.240This is huge. But I actually felt like it was kind of a huge revelation for me to feel that and to
00:46:26.880not feel lonely or not feel something of grasping for the presence of the other. I actually had a
00:46:32.000last night jacqueline i went to text you flailing in the night i went to text you and i stopped
00:46:36.260myself and i literally like spoke to god instead and like brilliant kate well and it helped brilliant
00:46:43.760yeah no no no i um okay you and me live in our heads blah blah blah we think of ourselves as oh
00:46:50.520we're the ultimate of like you know these interior living kind of people right we live in our heads
00:46:54.620we think we can think our way through everything etc etc but i i but i don't always realize that
00:47:01.040you can have an interior chamber. Okay. That is a place where like you and yourself can be
00:47:07.840literally cozy. Okay. Now, now the way that I define that, like, so my discovery of that as a
00:47:13.420child, and I feel like, because we're talking about micro it's, this is all like my book and
00:47:17.020I'm embarrassed when I'm recounting my own book, but whatever, who cares? Okay. But anyway, like
00:47:21.060as a child, I'd experienced this thing, a couple of things. One was like, we had desks that, you
00:47:25.640know, you could stick your hands right in that classic school desk that you can stick your books
00:47:29.360in yeah and like if you put your hands and no one can see them and i used to feel this like cozy
00:47:33.860feeling okay inside the desk about like almost like i'm gonna move my little eraser around in
00:47:38.400there like i'm putting on a little play of puppets okay but like where my pencil is my friend my
00:47:43.600eraser is my friend like even the side of this book is my friend okay and these are little like
00:47:47.500no one can see but i could put on a whole play in here and then i realized the next level because i
00:47:52.740don't even need objects that i'm trying to obscure from view i was like no one can see inside my
00:47:57.680mouth. Okay. And so I was like, I can put on a little play with my tongue inside my mouth with
00:48:03.180my mouth closed. So my mouth is closed. And I'm moving my tongue around and they're dancing a
00:48:06.460little to the right. Try it. Close your mouth. Close your mouth. This is so profound and sweet.0.92
00:48:10.800Dance your tongue around in there. Okay. Okay. So I was like, okay, this man was like, oh my God,
00:48:14.780no one can see it. I'm like loving it. And then of course, you know, I guess the next level,
00:48:18.600you know, as an adult would be to realize that, oh, you could create a place of peace, joy,0.93
00:48:23.960play whatever the fuck you know joy i've never the word has always bothered me but something0.72
00:48:28.200right something intriguing solidarity can occur in the interior interior and i've been thinking a0.99
00:48:34.640lot recently i've been lying there after a gummy frankly after a gummy and by a gummy i mean four
00:48:40.460gummies okay let the THC guys do what they do yeah okay my body always requires high dose of
00:48:46.640anything to have an effect so i'm lying there on my i guess cantha canna i'm waiting for free bags
00:48:52.020thank you um we'll reach out we'll reach out well you're what okay keep going marijuana gummies oh
00:48:57.220god i got it okay i want all right so i'm lying there and i'm like oh my god can you be safe
00:49:02.740inside of your own interiority from anything okay now i know that it feels a little bit like i'm
00:49:07.920trying to avoid pain which you know what else no i don't i don't see that there can i go no matter
00:49:13.220what so i fear things like i get really upset if i think someone doesn't like me or a quote
00:49:18.220misunderstands me right you know my intention is this you interpret it as this i want to die
00:49:22.340until i've corrected their imagined perception you know which might not even be their perception
00:49:27.580right it haunts me the disease of perception baby yeah okay of course so and that's something that
00:49:32.800you know i try to work through whatever and get over but it's like it's almost like okay what if
00:49:38.080someone said i hate you okay like i know can i is there a shield like can i at any moment or or i
00:49:45.640mean it's a little bit or like great pains like someone i love dies okay like is there a place
00:49:50.420where you can almost go like but i'm safe like yes i think that we can cultivate that and i don't
00:49:56.780think it's wrong i think it's a healthy this is i think it might be the healthy version of
00:50:01.600dissociation that's the life's work i don't see that as like spiritual bypassing or some kind of
00:50:07.240like thing of like avoiding pain the pain is inevitable suffering is inevitable we're not
00:50:11.860have pain and so it's like how can you accept pain feel pain embrace pain walk toward the pain
00:50:21.260and yet still have some kind of a inner fortress or inner experience or inner world where you're
00:50:27.160able to safely have pain like that's almost well it's like being identifying with the witness i
00:50:33.280mean this is classic meditation stuff but it's like it's like there's your thoughts there's your
00:50:36.480emotions there's your body whatever who's experiencing all those like who's who's the
00:50:40.000thinker behind the thoughts who's who's seeing it all right and this is a full circle this is a full
00:50:44.740circle because to meditation yes the 20 minute room okay that unfortunately i pictured as a blank
00:50:49.720room but perhaps i could put a little sofa in mine's dark blue yes it can be it can be i mean
00:50:55.280one thing relatedly that i always that i thought was huge and i'm never gonna recover from your
00:50:59.660hands and the hands and the desk and that it's so profound and there's so much i will say the
00:51:05.060joy there's so much yes there's so much there and it's like again going back to like our life's work
00:51:11.340is to become ourselves right or to like or like to actually like what would it be to like actually
00:51:16.340become myself or extend myself to the furthest reaches of like my desires or my own neurosis
00:51:23.040or whatever my own nature right the soul all of this like and by having a little puppet show in
00:51:28.100your desk that is a way to you know to honor that or to just right no it's existence it's like right
00:51:35.040it's well it is kind of like between you and god in this way right yeah it's you and you or you
00:51:39.500could say it's you in the universe like i do exist when alone you know i do exist when but
00:51:44.920and for some reason i guess for me it's almost like that yeah that felt like school and other
00:51:50.080people always felt like just this brutal cold wind right like the second you're in school it's like
00:51:56.980the wind of just everything and everyone and like it was just a way of creating a little space you
00:52:03.340know what it was it was this is kind of interesting it's almost like a secret or doing anything that
00:52:08.520you're not talking about or you're not sharing with other people literally create space that
00:52:13.620they are not aware of and thus created more space for yourself to exist in because you've created a
00:52:19.200bigger world that they can't enter like that's wild and this is like a huge thing for me i actually
00:52:24.100think and i've been doing a lot of this like path working stuff right now and a lot of stuff about
00:52:27.280you know creating mental palaces not for memory i gave that up years ago okay not for trying to
00:52:31.840you know mnemonics and whatever okay masonic palaces and the head there's more is a different
00:52:37.120thing but i've been come so aware of how we like narrow our interiority to the space of our head
00:52:44.520like we keep it so small when of course the brain is infinite and i think part of the reason it feels
00:52:48.920so small is because the brain we experience this little television screen in our head and we're
00:52:53.220like you can only watch one thing at a time almost right so it's just coming in and you're in the
00:52:56.940present. And it's like, no, what if I built out piece by piece, my own little mental world
00:53:03.100living alone? No, but like, but like, like, and some of this gets into my, um, like spiritual
00:53:10.580psychological materialism. Okay. Where I start to fantasize about like, well, you know, then this
00:53:15.180does become where it's about avoiding pain in some ways. Okay. Or preparing for pain where it's
00:53:19.280like, well, I need to have a room where I work on my pain and that room in my head is going to look
00:53:22.820like this. And it's going to have these quotes hanging on the wall in my head. Okay. I'm
00:53:26.160permanently preparing myself for like the death of my mother because i've always been like when0.75
00:53:29.560my mom dies i'm going to kill myself right like and that's actually something i'm only now starting0.59
00:53:35.160to be like guess what i won't you know no i i used to feel like it's we should commit suicide when0.97
00:53:39.960they when i go and by the way there's nothing wrong with preparing yourself for the pain to
00:53:44.980come or to acknowledge we we have suffered we are suffering we will suffer like that is like
00:53:50.140right that is the guarantee that is the truth and i think via meditation like we do have to
00:53:55.760cultivate these rooms in ourselves because we have to be able to live in here. Yes. And also
00:54:01.380there are, you know, rooms inside yourself that you've never been that can be so helpful or offer
00:54:06.620some kind of comfort and imagine the power. I mean, that's all anybody wants. Like you just
00:54:10.720want to feel like you're okay. And so it's like, imagine if being like, oh, like I actually will
00:54:15.380be okay. Or wow. I'm no, no, I'm with you. Like I just, no, no, no, I'm going to work on the
00:54:21.720interior palace and I'm going to get very like over the top with it. Cause I have this whole
00:54:25.400plan which i'm gonna go outside my home i was thinking about this yesterday you know who i am0.81
00:54:28.860i'm fucking tool man tim like i get an idea and i'm like okay we're gonna drive it to its like0.80
00:54:33.260to its extreme but i was thinking like i go out on my sidewalk and i'd like learn my sidewalk okay0.95
00:54:37.240like to a point of like i know it's so well i know every lamp and then i was gonna hang things
00:54:41.720okay along my journey so i could always go on that walk alone in my head uh in addition to outside
00:54:47.440whatever it's in the lamps is beautiful it doesn't it sound great hanging like a little and then you
00:54:51.820could take the walk and see the things that you love hey and by the way sometimes you can only
00:54:54.940if you can hang a lamp it can be a slow process but imagine then the path that in your life you
00:55:00.240can maintain track or cultivate no it's like you no one builds a palace in their mind when you
00:55:05.500could we build palaces like ramshackle palaces of hell okay like cobbled together from one trauma
00:55:12.740to the next yeah it's like what if we used our creative visualization abilities to create
00:55:18.040something more pleasing for ourselves and then we could also do it and we could meet on the astral
00:55:21.360plane and visit each other's palaces which would be hell yeah all right we gotta get out of here
00:55:26.020i really needed this today i love things to do i mean take walks inside my brain i want to meditate
00:55:30.620right now all right okay bye enjoy yourself that was poop if you enjoyed poop please subscribe
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