00:10:25.320um or you know it's like when you're in that rage state and like maybe like a cap flies off a bottle
00:10:30.980it's like oh you're about ready to literally it's like it's like something small kind of rolls
00:10:37.300across the table and like falls on the floor and you're like cool well like like it's completely
00:10:43.900which is why again we're not getting into the gun debate but that's why guns shouldn't be available
00:10:48.580because i'm like in that moment the cap because have you heard of rage have you ever has anyone
00:10:53.300ever heard of rage like yeah has anyone ever heard of boiling rage being completely overwhelmed by
00:10:58.700rage so and literally looking around for a means of destruction to relieve it because that's why
00:11:04.860punching a pillow isn't satisfying yeah the pillow soft catches it i want to punch my hand through a
00:11:10.700wall yeah i want to feel pain yeah okay i want something i love to be destroyed i did something0.88
00:11:15.980i'm actually not proud of this i actually slapped my own cheat i did like a i slapped myself in the
00:11:20.480face yesterday you don't have to be you don't have to be fine but then and then by the way and
00:11:24.420even as i did it right after i was like i was a little over the top but no but i was doing a
00:11:29.300couple of these little things like i was i was like because i was raging right and i was like0.96
00:11:32.820i don't want to do the dishes and there weren't that many i was like just do them bitch and so0.97
00:11:36.760then i did them and then it was like kind of exciting like i had in the semi-rage taken a0.93
00:11:41.160picture off the wall like or off like a frame thing because it was like annoying me and i was
00:11:45.660like no and i took it off yeah i'm not living with that anymore yeah and i was like i have to put it
00:11:49.760back I have to put it back and I was like I don't want to get the chair and stand on the chair and
00:11:53.120I was like yeah you're doing it and then I did it and then I was like whoa and then I became a little
00:11:57.740bit euphoric and I started to calm down and I was like and I was like I don't want to meditate
00:12:01.900because I hadn't meditated oh that's what I did so I was like I can't bring myself to meditate so
00:12:05.660you know what I did I went outside I sat in the chair I just did like deep breathing for like 10
00:12:10.920seconds the comedy because I just like I can't explain it the comedy of you suffering alone
00:12:16.480is very funny in this way like like if i just had a video because you're like so not alone you're
00:12:21.520very like bring people in call a friend whatever whatever so you're just like stewing and sort of
00:12:25.340marching out to your deck and sitting there good for the steely face with a steely face i don't know
00:12:29.420why i could picture you there's a comedy to use but wait i'm dying to go back wait hold on about
00:12:33.800the rage and the destroying something oh but they're like well i don't want to okay you're
00:12:38.300like you're like i should do this but i don't want to do the dishes right do it's truly like
00:12:42.220we have no middle way okay and and this is and i'm not going to go deep into my my young book
00:12:47.680okay but they're but this idea of the medusa and the athena or whatever okay these extremes
00:12:54.400that live in us and that's not the realm of people okay but the point is where's the human
00:12:59.820okay we don't live in the realm of the gods okay and we shouldn't right but we all do like we do1.00
00:13:04.860it in this way that keeps us we animate them from like monster who's like you fucking bitch1.00
00:13:10.160why can't you clean up you piece of shit you know what i mean like or whatever yeah okay and then1.00
00:13:14.100like i don't want to i'm a woman of pleasure okay like these these like these extreme sort of0.99
00:13:19.160characters that we like let war within us and swing back and forth because the central the the
00:13:26.220third way the middle way whatever sounds like a bore a healthy ego deciding like like gently being
00:13:33.500like you know saying no to either god essentially to either extreme yeah oh well that sounds joyless
00:13:40.000sounds joyless and doesn't young say like i think neurosis is a scorned god and also this idea of
00:13:46.000like you have to live brilliant i love the way he talks about the little people meaning like inside
00:13:51.200you are all these there are these dramas constantly unraveling within yourself and like yes they have
00:13:56.540lives of their own and they have relationships of their own like separate from you oh my god and
00:14:00.640it's like really beautiful to be like there's a thief in you who's running away from you know
00:14:05.780it's like there's all these like constant thief and he calls them little people it's so sweet
00:14:10.660to think that's like little sweet makes them small archetypes constantly small see the small
00:14:16.040archetype this is huge no because the small archetype i'm like okay does that give you a
00:14:20.900feeling of like you know gentle loving curiosity towards them you know what i'm saying because
00:14:25.080you're imagining them as like as small versus i tend to picture the archetype as like outside of
00:14:29.920me huge and like rolling through me because i think of it as like a yeah like a giant god and
00:14:36.380because it's collective i make it larger even though of course the collective can you know can
00:14:40.440be like a little puppet show small you know those like things where it's like a little puppet in the
00:14:44.320chest it's a it's in my chest yeah and like you know did you ever have as a kid oh here comes a
00:14:49.440childhood memory it's coming to the surface it's coming did you ever have that little thing where
00:14:53.060it's a magnet and you hold the magnet underneath and then there's a there's a little pawn i'm sorry
00:14:57.300like a little figure with a magnet on the bottom and then it sets down on the the stage and you
00:15:02.560move it from below you move it from below well i'm like was i raised in the 16th century like
00:15:07.520the fact that i had that toy well and that now you know no sorry i'm just i i'm breaking news
00:15:14.480breaking news i never had one as a child i never had one as a child but what was i searching for
00:15:20.060on ebay mere three weeks ago stop that a variety of puppet theaters including that oh my god okay
00:15:25.880OK, I want them for my home. And then I briefly so I wanted them for my own creative reasons. I want to work with puppets. I've always been drawn to them. OK, it's time for myself, if you know, if nothing else. But I mean, certainly just for myself. Right. But then I started to have fantasies of being a collector of vintage puppet theater. OK. And I was imagining people coming over to my house. No one comes to my house. Right. I was imagining just like in life. Right. Like, like, oh, that when companies over. OK. They kind of like happen upon. Oh, what are what are those? Those are those are some interesting.
00:15:55.880oh right uh i in my i spare time i'm actually a scholar of ancient puppetry wouldn't that be so
00:16:04.420i think that's great to aspire to i want it so bad everyone would be so jealous they hadn't come
00:16:09.160up with a hobby sooner oh scurrying over to your little puppet area and then oh and i get those
00:16:15.740lights from ikea you know the kind that highlight art you mean just track lighting i don't no oh
00:16:21.840oh good genius gate okay okay yes I know I realize now that's what track lighting can do you angle
00:16:26.960it at the art but I mean like those absurd um sort of gold or brass like literally they'll hang it
00:16:34.620like in a home yeah I imagine like a fancy home they hang it above feels very republican yeah
00:16:39.460yeah no it's deeply republican which is like which is why I want like the sex art beneath it0.68
00:16:44.080do you see what I'm saying like yeah like it you know like like bring in the brass steal the brass
00:16:49.260from the conservative home oh my god yeah brass i i could never i've tried to repurpose brass
00:16:56.840and it still it doesn't work i had a by the way everyone might want to know my lamp my world of
00:17:02.380lamps oh wow wait did you get rid of it by the way okay listen you send it to a friend i'm getting
00:17:08.480overwhelmed no listen okay sorry i keep saying listen i can't it's too much flooding me listen
00:17:13.500i did it again there were two lamps in my home that i hated more than anything okay yes and one
00:17:19.780of them had a brass base i bought it in a state of emergency where i was like any lamp will do
00:17:23.980you know and i bought it of course it's brass it's a classic yeah i felt awful i felt it just
00:17:29.620every day i looked at it get out and then i was going to sell it or put it you know somewhere
00:17:34.400give it away and my mother was like bring the lamps to my house and we all use them so i packed
00:17:39.400them up took them to her i'm losing the story where was i going oh well then i and the bamboo
00:17:43.900i'll just say briefly the bamboo lamp which if anyone is following on instagram that i bought
00:17:47.880for 50 a poog a blessed poog listener they've been begging they've been begging for pictures
00:17:53.180they keep we post them they beg again it's highlighted now folks we will not accept any
00:17:58.140more emails or calls and i'll just say that my exact lamp and again there were two available
00:18:03.220for purchase i bought one the other one was purchased and is currently being sold at a local
00:18:08.280furniture store for hold the phone folks or i hope you're sitting down rather eighteen hundred
00:18:14.440dollars i repeat eighteen hundred dollars it's being sold for it's the identical lamp
00:18:18.260and then the same way you believe that wait this is funny you you're sure that there were no there
00:18:23.360were two available on offer up right you bought one you believe the furniture store bought the
00:18:26.960other you don't think there's a third there's no doubt 20 floating around there's no doubt in my
00:18:31.380heart because i believe me to say oh just that's how they get their stuff do not i'm not confused
00:18:36.240i don't think they're all coming from direct from an estate it's the identical lamp and to me there
00:18:40.540were two available and i'm just like oh and then i buy it this person buys it and then that's the
00:18:46.280same week and then boom it's up at the store do you know it just feels too no no i have a lot to
00:18:50.720say here okay okay you know the you know council thrift the ladies council okay we're gonna have
00:18:56.040to go to break in a minute but but but council thrift um you know they're in la whatever yeah
00:19:01.440i've run into shop owners okay from high-end sort of vintage places in the ladies council you know
00:19:09.160by you for your facial recognition you know them oh yes and um well and and they recognized me okay
00:19:15.520and and even said the moment i saw them in in the council thrift okay they just go well you found
00:19:22.400out my secret oh because they go to the ladies council or the the because it's the new york or
00:19:29.780not new york the jewish women's council i once got the most unbelievable coat there and all it1.00
00:19:35.940was this incredible thing where all the women swarmed around me and they were like oh my god0.99
00:19:40.760and i'll never forget this one goes do you work in pr and i was like no and it was why the hell0.98
00:19:47.460was that her question by the way oh and here comes the panic where the fuck is it okay folks0.94
00:19:53.600oh no satin like floor length with a train like a psychotic costume piece and and inside the pocket0.87
00:20:01.260was a bergdorf goodman tag that said 2400 i repeat 2400 and by the way this is 2400 from
00:20:10.3401994 i know i was gonna say i was gonna say this was a completely perfect and i bought it for like
00:20:16.800I'd say $150 because I was like, this is going to give birth to a new era for me.
00:22:09.300Let's talk about thrift shop or any of that for one second.
00:22:14.060because here's all i want to say can you do it with a friend uh yes can you go into a thrift
00:22:20.200shop where there's only or a vintage shop high-end low-end right yeah yes you can where
00:22:26.840there's unique only items listen i actually had so i usually i went to a outdoor flea market
00:22:34.780as they all are um right and i'm usually seized by mania at such an event and i'm like i need to
00:22:43.200buy six things or i'll die you know or i need to find the signature piece for my home and it was
00:22:49.820really liberating to walk around spend an hour there not buy a single thing barely be drawn to
00:22:54.240anything because i once heard a story about the shangri-la diet sorry it's a leap but it's it's
00:23:01.220a lateral it's connected about walking around being not feeling drawn to purchase okay i once
00:23:06.620read this one of my like poog-esque things years and years ago i've mentioned this the shangri-la
00:23:11.300diet that I I read about it was called Shangri-La because you're supposed to like you just you reach
00:23:15.820a kind of nirvana or whatever okay and it was like and it was I've told you this it's it's you
00:23:21.340you there's a couple things you do you basically the idea was well all right I'll give you the
00:23:27.000sale that was relevant to what you were just saying which was someone said that once being
00:23:31.580on the Shangri-La diet okay they walked through a supermarket they walked through a grocery store
00:23:36.600and they felt like they were in a museum oh my god okay they felt like they were in a museum
00:23:45.040there was nothing there was no you know which which maybe some people go i mean yeah sure
00:23:49.640what do you even mean by that and what i mean by that is that you're not walking around literally
00:23:54.220just like to me walking around a supermarket is just a is just shelves and shelves of tempters
00:23:59.700and temptresses okay like reaching out at me with their limbs and their tentacles okay trying to
00:24:05.320like pull me in at every stage. I am beneath, I am at the mercy of, you know, the foods. Okay.
00:24:11.300And this person, I, and I felt immense, um, fellowship with him. Okay. And then the other
00:24:15.480example they gave, and this, I loved, it really made me, it gave me joy. They described how once
00:24:20.140being on the Shangri-La diet, they brought like a burger and fries back to work, you know, for
00:24:24.680lunch. They brought it, they sat down at their desk, they started working, they're eating,
00:24:28.040they start working and they go, and I forgot about my fries. Like I looked over, I looked over an
00:24:34.540hour later or whatever okay and there were still fries left and the person just goes this is all
00:24:38.720in a forum by the way person just goes i've never forgotten about my fries and i was like
00:24:45.560i'm giving it a very specific dramatic intonation and it was in text but it was like any version i
00:24:53.220mean but but yeah to me it's i mean just no it's like it's like you no matter how you read it it
00:24:57.800stands it holds okay because it's just i've never forgotten my friends and i was like what yeah
00:25:01.560exactly i've i've never forgotten about my fries like and so i i was like i'm intrigued i don't
00:25:08.320even know what they're referring to this is a very different relationship to food but the ginger
00:25:12.280diet is completely outrageous you a couple things you do you take in flavorless calories okay oh god
00:25:19.360because what what your body does then this is another one of these cavemen models okay the0.99
00:25:23.900the body oh fuck i can't even remember how it works it doesn't matter but the point is you0.99
00:25:27.840your nose closed so you don't get yeah you see you pin your nose closed while you eat so you0.99
00:25:32.060don't experience flavor okay oh this is the body that is like hard times or something i forget what
00:25:37.120it is okay and then you drink extra extra extra virgin olive oil the most refined the one with
00:25:44.520absolutely no flavor you take like a shot of that between with like two hours on either side before
00:25:51.100your meal you self-flagellate for 45 minutes yeah then you oh wait i'm going to come back to
00:25:56.340meditation but the reason i said this was because walking around a thrift store without desire
00:26:01.040experiencing a place where you used to experience desire experiencing none is like you almost feel
00:26:06.140like a god you feel like you've transcended anyway i just that's for me to not feel the
00:26:11.840gnawing want and the panic like if i go shopping with a friend in one of those environments okay
00:26:18.840it's like well it depends i mean you can go with a friend who is completely different style
00:26:23.500but then you know so you're not competing for the same items okay you're not gasping at the
00:26:27.220same coat running towards it checking the size and deciding who it's more likely to fit you know
00:26:32.580okay and then like but i remember being really but i'm like who wants the shop based on their
00:26:38.800style in that sense right i go to a store to see possibilities okay so i go into a store to get
00:26:44.860oh well that's not you know that's not something you'd wear how do you know okay right maybe that's
00:26:50.040why i'm here today to discover the new discover the new look so like i remember a friend being
00:26:54.660like you know it's it's that whole like for you thing like a friend being like well like i i just
00:26:58.740don't wear anything with a flower on it like no it was like flower like florals like it was like
00:27:03.840a realization oh oh my god you're right i've never seen you in a floral do you know you once
00:27:07.880discussed how it's like insulting when someone says like oh yeah that's good for you or something
00:27:12.300oh yeah because i've rudely said that to my mother so many times so i'm like because my my sweet
00:27:17.700mother god bless her but you know she'll be like look at this like dress or something right do you
00:27:22.780like this no and i'm like i like it for you yeah and um you're like cool so like with my friend
00:27:29.540with the florals i don't wear florals but like yeah i can see you liking it you with your florals
00:27:34.040yeah you 1700 floral lover common woman wait wait but there was something about meditation i was
00:27:42.800dying to say that was related to all this yeah meditation of like letting things you know
00:27:46.340meditation is supposed to let thoughts float by notice them right go oh similarly you're floating
00:27:50.640through the thrift store you're going oh look a chair oh look a lamp you're like not clinging
00:27:55.800you're not being activated you're not grasping you're just letting letting it pass which sounds
00:28:01.260great and there is grasping yeah causes 11s okay i'm trying to grasp a lot less okay i i realized
00:28:07.880that grasping with my head that my head is another set of hands my mind is another set of hands okay
00:28:13.440And there's a lot of things that and I realized some of that I grasped with my head, trying to hold something with my head and understand it and work through it and save myself through thinking. Right. And then I furrow the brow and then I get the elevens. Do you see what I'm saying? So frownies, which, you know, I'm getting you into frownies support the act of non-mental grasping. Wow. And I have collapsed the wellness industrial complex.
00:28:38.580okay in a sheer all product is i think i was doing a lot of scowling in my sleep last night
00:28:43.980i was having some like disturbing dreams really yeah and i like woke up at one point and i was
00:28:50.180like god dreams not to here i go dreams are crazy it's truly what i was gonna say but like they are
00:28:58.040they are and i'm not done talking about transported somewhere and i woke up like upset and that thing
00:29:04.040of when you know something's happened in your dream it's it's upsetting and you're seized by
00:29:08.500it and it feels completely real and then I had the cartoon thing happened this morning of the
00:29:14.580alarm going off in the dream no and like hitting snooze like a like it's a 90s movie yeah and I
00:29:19.860was yes and then I you know woke up and it was really happening but I was scowling I felt myself
00:29:24.740scowling so that's a terrifying realization scowling in the sleep hour imagine hours well
00:29:30.100that's why i'm trying to sleep with frownies all over my face placidity on on the face shall send
00:29:35.880messages back to the brain to experience i want a frowny not that placidity interests me let's get
00:29:40.580real how much are you reusing a frowny well i've gotten to the point where i wear it during the day
00:29:45.280and i like wear it out okay no i'll no that's because i have my that's because i my my and i
00:29:52.640wear it out no i barely go anywhere at this time in my life okay when you say out like you know
00:29:57.560out onto the the front out onto the veranda out onto the balcony where i could be seen or like
00:30:03.540on a walk what am i here i'm not here to present myself as a fashion plate yeah i don't know walk
00:30:09.300and i have my my signature visor i'm waiting to be recognized for it of course okay you know given
00:30:14.940that i've posted it a single time on poog i expect to be recognized at every corner okay with my
00:30:19.880nondescript but extreme visor so the visor kind of covers the frowny the visor covers the frowny
00:30:25.640a bit so they can't really see it okay okay okay and then and then i've got a face mask listen i
00:30:30.740want to break in and say yes i want to break in and say because jacklyn you sent me a photo
00:30:34.620of yourself with the visor frowning and you're i'm laughing thinking about it brought me so i
00:30:41.320want to make it the background of my phone like it's funny posted on poog and i was like literally
00:30:45.620what's funny it's literally it's and it's completely the fact that you can't see why
00:30:49.820it's funny we're posting it on poog okay but continue also let me say it this way you sent
00:30:53.700me a photo the other day and I merely responded ha ha okay just because I don't know why it made
00:30:58.980me laugh like and it was sort of the same thing it was just like you and like sunglasses or in a
00:31:02.580hat do you remember you were like what's funny so we'll post both we'll post both yeah oh yeah
00:31:06.960and you were like that it's not even like I think the hat's funny it's like there's something about
00:31:11.620seriousness in a hat okay to be like in a sun hat and shades like grimacing that's kind of the you
00:31:16.800I'm picturing on the on the angry I'm also wearing my own merch I think in that photo which you know
00:31:23.200i always do those are the sweatshirts i'm stomping around anger there is something about anger in me
00:31:29.640you know when i first went to therapy as a child as a very young child oh my god they're like i was
00:31:34.300like four or something and i went to go see a therapist because i was to quote my mother angry
00:31:39.640no yeah yeah oh my god oh my god an angry four-year-old i was really angry like she felt
00:31:49.560more than other four-year-olds yeah or something like i like i had a lot of anger and it wasn't
00:31:53.960that i was throwing tantrums or anything i was just like i think i had this like solemn anger
00:31:59.480which is crazy to imagine in my in myself if i were your mother i would have been digging for
00:32:06.060past life info of course yeah um you know i would have been going well could this be left over
00:32:12.940from your unvanquished murder and i remember and i i swear to god i have the memory of the
00:32:18.460therapist's office at that at that um because therapy for kids at that age it's like really
00:32:22.800toy based right and you like watch how the kids interact with the toys then you learn and there
00:32:26.140was a dog there was a stuffed animal the dog where you could bring the lips up and show the
00:32:32.080dog's angry teeth or you could bring it the lips down and then the dog would be i guess neutral
00:32:36.240and i was always making the dog of course you were but then sublime hideous but then also it's like
00:32:43.260the comedy of those kinds of interpretations being incorrect by a therapist like oh i'll just
00:32:48.900say quickly the anecdote a dear friend of mine talks about she went to a therapist when she was
00:32:53.060very very young as her parents were divorcing or something and it was like draw a picture of her
00:32:56.840family and she drew a tree with a big hole in it right which is like where the owl lives and the0.95
00:33:02.440therapist was like why is there a hole in the tree and he's like that's where the owl lives bitch0.94
00:33:06.800and she's like don't you think that hole is about you know and it's like no i understand that too0.57
00:33:11.420that's where the vibrant owl the hole in the tree is like a very i have a lot to say about this yeah
00:33:16.520no no the therapist's cheeseball interpretation of something that isn't the thing reading the
00:33:21.480textbook or like you know so entrenched in the in their own training that it's like the whole
00:33:26.440yeah seeing the hole in the tree perfect example or maybe not perfect well there's a couple things
00:33:31.540one i want to say something i read vanni defranco okay i was four years old they tried to test my
00:33:36.140iq they showed me a picture of three oranges and a pear and asked me which one is different
00:33:40.700and does not belong. It taught me different is wrong. Oh, wow. I always forget your deep
00:33:46.340DeFranco. I know. And I can't believe I haven't even dropped a single lyric considering my entire
00:33:51.380identity. My entire mind is based on concepts introduced to me via the lyrics of by Ani,
00:33:56.620you know, through Ani, et cetera. Whereas I've never heard a single note of a song.
00:34:00.860No, no. Yeah. I want to. Yes. Let's talk about this. So it's like there I was. I was playing
00:34:05.720with this dog toy. And the only thing that you can that's malleable on this dog toy is the
00:34:10.360scowl that you either produce or disappear. Right. So it's like, no, I was, I was, of course I was
00:34:16.160doing that. I was making the dog angry. No, it's like giving you a squeeze ball and you squoze the
00:34:21.640ball. Yeah. I don't know what I said. Squoze. Okay. You squeeze ball and you squoze it. Something
00:34:27.280that, uh, sorry. I actually, no, I'm not sorry to constantly be talking about James Hollis because
00:34:32.440I am also going to write to James Hollis. I'm going to write, I last night I was ranting about
00:34:36.340I'm going to write James Hollis a letter because yes, I'm sorry, but people are buying the books.
00:34:40.940And I have this fantasy of him, his like book rep calling him being like, we're really getting a
00:34:46.020spike in these books, baby. And he needs to know. He needs to know. And I'm going to write to him.
00:34:50.720Yeah. He needs to know his poo. And again, creating a life I'll post on, but the Eden0.97
00:34:54.400project I'm reading right now, it's absolutely my mind. But he says at one point, James Hollis is
00:34:57.960like a therapist can only take you as far as they've gone. Okay. Yes. You know, it is a similar
00:35:02.780concept I've heard a sex therapist can only direct you to have sex as good as they've ever had
00:35:08.580right right oh like I mean which of course in one sense seems okay I was just so excited by
00:35:15.400the connection between these two ideas that I flexed my foot and it cramped again this is
00:35:19.720constantly happening like my foot just cramped that's so painful I want to give another example
00:35:23.720of the bad oh my god oh my god wait can I just say that I just remembered the middle of the night
00:35:28.240I fell asleep on my arm and I woke up and my arm was completely numb and I was like
00:35:31.820I was like I was biting my hand to wake it up I was biting my own hand and moaning like a child
00:35:42.140like no because it's so scary the full the numbness of the full arm okay one time no I
00:35:50.700had a numb leg yesterday and I I just I hate numbness you know it was post-meditation actually
00:35:56.400you know because I got too fancy and I folded it under myself and then I had to wake it up and I
00:36:01.020was so afraid it was going to get to that point where it like where it's the full vibration it's
00:36:04.700not pins and needles pins and needles are fine it feels like blood when you touch your leg it's
00:36:09.160like sickles where i try to i don't want to wake it up because the pain is like not the pain the
00:36:13.240feeling is like tickling me to an extent it's like it's strumming a guitar string in my leg
00:36:18.200and it vibrates the whole thing and it's like it's like i can't move and it's like it's i don't know
00:36:22.360i just i hear people talk about pins and needles and i'm like i'm not sure we're experiencing the
00:36:25.800same thing because i like can barely push through mine i'm like stay numb stay numb yeah no it can
00:36:30.940be very painful wait but i'm dying to say another example oh yeah my friend my friend my friend so
00:36:35.480my friend um her older sister you know a genius okay had some early education therapy type testing
00:36:43.340thing and there was a thing where this was an example of like her genius and the therapist
00:36:48.700being a fool of course right it's like a little girl on a swing right on a swing set and like one1.00
00:36:54.040of her ponytail like she's got like pigtails but like only on one side one one pigtail right and0.98
00:36:59.100they're like what's missing in this photo okay and she's like um the chain on the swing isn't
00:37:05.900actually connected to the swing like so the swing would fall you know like okay and they were like
00:37:13.060no she only has one pigtail there's supposed to be two pigtails yeah you know what i mean like
00:37:19.820yeah like she found a much more interesting and real answer about like what was missing and it
00:37:24.280was like the latch that connects the chain to the but they weren't like moved by that they weren't
00:37:29.120like you're a genius i mean in my memory that's not the way it goes but i just i always think of0.81
00:37:33.600that damn half pigtail i just was flashing back to all those tests that i took i think if i've0.72
00:37:38.120ever been miss miss grossly miss um misread oh well you know what okay in fifth grade they gave0.99
00:37:45.360out this test that i now realize or maybe kind of knew at the time was like a screener for mental
00:37:50.720health or something i think okay it was very weird it was like one day we're taking like this
00:37:54.160emotional quiz that had come from outside the classroom wasn't like from our teacher it was
00:37:58.340like they were dropped off you know like you know what's up you always know something's up like when
00:38:03.180an administrator comes by with like a with like freshly photocopied okay and it was like okay we
00:38:10.440take this test and i remember sort of like finding the question stimulating you know almost like what
00:38:15.020is it like inside your brain or something you know yeah so like i answer honestly and then what
00:38:20.440do i know before i know it okay me and five other kids are being asked to once a week when the other
00:38:27.420kids go to recess to instead go into the the psychology uh room okay and sit with the two
00:38:33.940school like therapists okay and it was kind of like this is like a pilot program for whatever
00:38:40.500like they weren't like we think you all have problems and i don't think they necessarily
00:38:43.920thought like it was this weird thing where I remember almost I don't know if I asked my parents
00:38:47.040about what was going on but they sort of who's like research paper was using you I know I know
00:38:52.120it's like a public school nonetheless okay but but but it was like it was like um I remember
00:38:57.780sort of them combining the message that made it feel like simultaneously you were being selected
00:39:02.080for being gifted and simultaneously you were being selected for being mentally ill and it wasn't kind
00:39:07.040of clear and perhaps that's where I where I first interwove the two yes and decided for the rest of
00:39:12.920my life that that any of you know that i must suffer whatever so i remember being in this little
00:39:17.720group and both feeling special and denigrated or whatever but i remember specifically they like
00:39:23.640went around and had everyone say something about themselves that like they don't think the other
00:39:27.620kids would know or or something they like or you know that they've never told anyone or whatever
00:39:32.080i think my answer was fantastic and i stand by it ready yes okay so you think this is like a
00:39:37.280supportive like group situation okay we're like surely the teacher is going to be supportive so
00:39:42.100i said that i really like watching the weather channel and like hoping for snow days or something
00:39:46.240okay but just like i like having a weather channel on that was it it was like i like put it on i like
00:39:50.200having it on like i find it comforting or something right which is like the most normal
00:39:53.920fucking like tweet like it wouldn't even be a tweet you know what i mean like that's not like0.80
00:39:58.520some admission and they were all like0.99
00:39:59.640including the psychologist right no is that not bizarre that's utterly bizarre i was like i love
00:40:09.860the weather channel i love having it on like like in the afternoons or whatever and like they cackle
00:40:14.480and cackle and act like and act like like okay well that one was too far you know what i'm saying
00:40:19.860i'm trying to wrap my head around do you remember any of the other children's admissions i feel like
00:40:26.740the other children's admissions were like even more boring than that yeah you know what i mean
00:40:31.320like i i actually felt like it's like it's like hard to imagine that saying you like watching
00:40:35.260the weather channel is quirky before like a fifth grader it's pretty quirky oh like again i just
00:40:41.120love yeah i have like in that in that story it's like i just want to protect you well we should
00:40:47.040tell our traumas our minor traumas and injuries that i would love to do a micro t sesh after the
00:40:54.520break okay we're back from break we're back from break here we go baby
00:41:05.180we're back i threw out the term micro t yes i was gonna wait can i guess before you say it i was
00:41:09.420gonna say microtherapy session no micro t is like a micro trauma like a lowercase t so it's like oh
00:41:15.880okay you think of these kind of big traumas right that people suffer and then there are these smaller
00:41:20.720traumas right so oh okay this is not my this is actually not a micro t but i just wanted to say
00:41:25.600that one of the first moments that i was ever aware of wellness or skin or anything about taking
00:41:31.080care of one's shell it was at my i think it was maybe my 11th birthday or something and i was
00:41:38.400sitting at a table adults around the table and some kids like i remember my aunt some comment
00:41:43.160was made about i was turning 11 right and there was something about the women remarking like oh
00:41:47.200to be 11 and oh look at that skin or something about like oh my god the skin of a child while
00:41:53.160it lasts type of thing and then i remember i don't remember which aunt it was but i remember
00:41:57.100them kind of laughing and one of them going well start moisturizing now exactly and that like went
00:42:02.840directly into me and i remember and i just remembered that but okay no no no i my sister
00:42:10.120said to me once in the car you know how your thighs like spread on a seat yeah okay and like
00:42:15.040and like and like i was in the middle because i was much younger and so like my feet are up on
00:42:19.240that hump right so my my legs are lifted up so my thighs are not spread right i mean they're like
00:42:24.240they're narrow as they've ever been yeah yeah my sister saying something like enjoy it while it0.61
00:42:29.060lasts like commenting on my thighs and enjoy it while it lasts thighs as as a war zone0.68
00:42:34.760thighs are like i remember thinking like on the bus specifically in shorts okay like basically
00:42:42.320thinking that there was something wrong because like i don't know like that i i guess because
00:42:46.480it's like thighs on seats weren't shown in media i blame media i mean i do we were just constantly
00:42:53.880fed images of of the standing thigh the standing thigh the the flexed thigh yeah so i was very
00:43:00.280confused by that shape of the way the knee the knee then goes out like i just it's it's it's
00:43:05.820you know whatever but i remember that i'm trying to think of other ones like that early um beauty
00:43:09.820or body well i think i've talked about this over the hill mug the over the hill mug that was given
00:43:15.280to my mother oh no for like at her 40th birthday you know it was like there were two mugs it was
00:43:21.220like one said like like welcome you know welcome to 40 or something okay and it had all these terms
00:43:27.620written on it and it was like boils constipation skin tags wrinkles mood mood whatever okay and so
00:43:36.400I would read every single one vile I would read every single one on the thing I mean it's almost
00:43:41.300amazing that I I don't know didn't become one of these people that's like obsessed with age in that
00:43:47.820way you know what i mean i mean honestly that mug like what is that mug you send that into someone's
00:43:51.720home i just that is so 80s and 90s okay to like give in to this like for humor to be this kind of0.96
00:43:58.840like well you know how it is these things all happen to all of us and it's shit and life is0.91
00:44:02.840shit you know it's like so like annoying and like i'm like it's not funny it's not funny which by0.97
00:44:10.280the way i don't think we've mentioned on poog but jacklyn right you brought gynecologist so when i0.98
00:44:14.320went to my gynecologist's office not the one i've talked about in the past a different one i don't1.00
00:44:18.280want to get into it um no that means now i have to clarify nothing's wrong with my vagina but okay1.00
00:44:23.040okay um this is a long time ago not a long time ago a year ago okay anyway i was waiting for her0.98
00:44:30.240and then on the wall was a sign was like on like on an old piece of driftwood or something like a0.93
00:44:37.820kooky sign and it said the seven dwarves of menopause bitchy cranky ew ew like i'm dead0.77
00:44:47.680i took a picture i'm dead and dying i'm dead and dying i can't remember because i have it so clearly0.95
00:44:52.620in my head as a visual but i feel like it was just it's spraying to life in my head the moment
00:44:56.400you told me about it so i truly don't know whether i saw it or not no and i know i think i sent you
00:45:00.080a picture i hate see how do you feel about like humor humorous signs in the dentist office or
00:45:05.700the doctors i mean doctor is completely obscene dentists and and this is you know what i'm gonna0.56
00:45:11.160be ridiculous but you want to be taken serious as a real doctor dentist you know they're always0.89
00:45:15.200bitching that no one thinks sees them as a real doctor when you're gifted when you're gifted a1.00
00:45:20.320little cartoon about dentistry put it in a goddamn drawer again they're always like you can feel0.98
00:45:27.420what's a gift that's been hung yeah do you know what i mean you can feel like it's you know i0.99
00:45:31.680always picture the scene that they came in menopause i'm like that was a gift or something
00:45:36.460and also you know in gynecologist office there's always the pamphlets on the wall for latisse0.99
00:45:41.500for like want a new ass tits on the fritz like whatever like it's all oh oh the cosmetic that0.99
00:45:50.620is that has infiltrated it's all it all goes cosmetic instantly it's instantly cosmetic but0.99
00:45:56.540they really push latisse at the guy latisse i mean the problem with latisse is we'd all slap it on
00:46:02.100freely like why not get more lashes right without like oh i have a lash problem but then there's
00:46:07.640like there's some risk right there's like risk of um like discoloring your eye or something and
00:46:12.600like and so you're just like okay i guess i can't have the fun of like slapping latisse on for no
00:46:17.480reason i also missed i i i entered with the prompt of micro tees and i don't want to lose that i'm
00:46:23.720try to think of my own well i consider you know that mug a micro tea okay and i don't even know
00:46:29.660how micro it is when you consider that it came in daily too right yeah yeah yeah well that's the
00:46:34.740real truth of the micro tea right yeah it's just because it's a small pinprick in the in the
00:46:40.660hippocampus it's there you know what i mean small weeping wounds i i sort of um i make this case i
00:46:48.340make this case in my depression book okay which is that like i was always searching for the big
00:46:52.540trauma okay yeah like that caused the depression like you know like of course you're looking for
00:46:57.480like the early and profound and heinous trauma like praying to have uh repressed something that
00:47:02.840will emerge in therapy and what a relief that'll be and like the devastation of continuing being
00:47:08.100like i really don't think i was abused yeah yeah yeah okay and then like every once in a while
00:47:13.140like almost like being like maybe i was like like looking looking looking because they're there you
00:47:18.800know there was always like a reaction to me almost a like well something must have happened right
00:47:23.720right something is wrong clearly you know and looking for an origin and and maybe not being
00:47:29.200satisfied with like my glia cells you know not being resilient or whatever right the bio the
00:47:34.480biochemical whatever he is literally i'm like not experiencing full adoration at all times
00:47:39.480like that's like my like no no no my primal wound is like yeah my eyes leaving me for a moment like
00:47:47.820like like not being in the direct like just for a moment someone's eyes but don't you also
00:47:55.620here's another object is that enacted drama actually what you need right so like I don't
00:48:02.080mean actually what you need for health I mean like is it that that's the wound and you suffer
00:48:06.060from it or do you love the dance okay of fearing the eye leaving keeping the eye on you then the
00:48:12.780suffering bringing it back you know what i'm saying like do you enjoy that dance which again
00:48:18.280okay it's like the idea is like what you know what what harms us are not our wounds it's our
00:48:22.640defenses against them right exactly much like freud the neuroses is the repression is the
00:48:29.260neuroses wait wait wait all right sorry so it's like if the eyes leave me instead of going oh
00:48:34.780the eyes have left me and here i am and no one's looking and going still alive still alive i'm
00:48:40.480still here so i can maybe have my own observation i can maybe have some pleasure here instead of
00:48:46.560kind of sitting in that discomfort or that whatever you want to call it it's like well i
00:48:52.000better start tap dancing at a very high frequency now to get the eyes back and so that is sort of
00:48:59.120my defense in childhood grab them back still yeah it's like we'll get it back by any means
00:49:04.080necessary right and then you're banging on the door of the funny bone yeah and i think now
00:49:08.000it's like embarrassing almost to admit but i feel like now i'm trying to experience more of like
00:49:13.180okay you know what even if no one's watching i'm watching like i'm watching me guess what my own
00:49:18.680gaze has value yeah and also being like oh how interesting like it kind of hit me yesterday i
00:49:24.200was doing a quick bath as i tend to do four times a day and i was like it was after i've been raging
00:49:30.940i've been raging tearing through the house and then i hung up the picture and i washed the dish
00:49:35.020and I did some deep breathing and I was like look at you like I actually felt I was able to be like
00:49:40.400good job yeah I was able to be it's like it's reparenting I was able to be like oh wow like
00:49:45.720look at you you were really upset you did these things you took care of yourself and now look
00:49:50.280there's time for a bath and I was able to read for a few minutes okay it was huge but I was in
00:49:54.360the bath and I was talking to myself and I was like or I had this moment this feeling which was
00:49:58.980robbed of me or maybe something I haven't felt since I was a kid and being an only child and
00:50:02.760really feeling like oh no one's around or something like I had this feeling of like oh I get to have
00:50:08.920a little private show for myself of myself like I was like I can't quite describe it but there was
00:50:15.220this actual feeling of like oh even if no one else sees it I'm seeing what I'm doing and like
00:50:21.260and almost like I get to have secrets not that the secrets or anything like this is huge but I
00:50:27.340actually felt like it was kind of a huge revelation for me to feel that and to not feel lonely or not
00:50:34.180feel something of grasping for the presence of the other I actually had it last night Jacqueline
00:50:38.520I went to text you flailing in the night I went to text you and I stopped myself and I literally
00:50:44.280like spoke to God and it helped brilliant yeah no no no I um okay you and me live in our heads
00:50:54.040blah, blah, blah. We think of ourselves as, oh, we're the ultimate of like, you know,
00:50:57.900these interior living kind of people. Right. We live in our heads. We think we can think our way
00:51:01.400through everything, et cetera, et cetera. But I but I don't always realize that you can have an
00:51:08.020interior chamber. OK, that is a place where like you and yourself can be literally cozy. OK, now
00:51:15.580the way that I define that, like so my discovery of that as a child and I feel like because we're
00:51:20.920talking about micro it's this is all like my book and I'm embarrassed when I'm recounting my own
00:51:24.340book but whatever who cares okay but anyway like as a child I'd experienced this thing a couple
00:51:29.060things one was like we had desks that you know you could stick your hands right in that classic
00:51:33.440school desk that you can stick your books in yeah and like if you put your hands in no one can see
00:51:37.540them and I used to feel this like cozy feeling okay inside the desk about like almost like I'm
00:51:42.740gonna move my little eraser around in there like I'm putting on a little play of puppets okay but
00:51:47.300like where my pencil is my friend my eraser is my friend like even the side of this book is my
00:51:51.600friend okay and these are little like no one can see but I could put on a whole play in here and
00:51:56.260then I realized the next level because I don't even need objects that I'm trying to obscure from
00:52:01.080view I was like no one can see inside my mouth okay and so I was like I can put on a little play
00:52:07.040with my tongue inside my mouth with my mouth closed so my mouth is closed and I'm moving my
00:52:11.300tongue around and they're dancing a little to the right try it close your mouth close your mouth
00:52:14.700this is so profound and sweet dance your tongue around in there okay okay so i was like okay this
00:52:19.820man was like oh my god no one can see it i'm like loving it and then of course you know i guess the
00:52:23.580next level you know as an adult would be to realize that oh you could create a place of peace joy play0.93
00:52:30.200whatever the fuck you know joy i've never the word does always bother me but something right0.90
00:52:34.380something intriguing solidarity can occur in the interior interior and i've been thinking a lot0.99
00:52:40.700recently i've been lying there after a gummy frankly after a gummy yeah and by a gummy i
00:52:45.940mean four gummies okay let the THC guys do what they do yeah okay my body always requires high
00:52:52.140dose of anything to have an effect so i'm lying there on my i guess cantha canna i'm waiting for
00:52:57.380free bags thank you um we'll reach out we'll reach out well you're what okay keep going free
00:53:01.900marijuana gummies oh god i got it okay i want all right so i'm lying there and i'm like oh my god
00:53:06.840can you be safe inside of your own interiority from anything okay now i know that it feels a
00:53:13.460little bit like i'm trying to avoid pain which you know what else no i don't i don't see that
00:53:17.900there can i go no matter what so i fear things like i get really upset if i think someone doesn't
00:53:23.060like me or it quote misunderstands me right you know my intention is this you interpret it as this
00:53:27.460i want to die until i've corrected their imagined perception you know which might not even be their
00:53:33.100perception right it haunts me the disease of perception baby yeah okay so and that's something
00:53:38.300that you know i try to work through whatever and get over but it's like it's almost like okay what
00:53:43.800if someone said i hate you okay like i know can i is there a shield like can i at any moment or or
00:53:51.280i mean it's a little bit or like great pains like someone i love dies okay like is there a place
00:53:56.280where you can almost go like but i'm safe like yes i think that we can cultivate that and i don't
00:54:02.660think it's wrong i think it's a healthy this is i think it might be the healthy version of
00:54:07.480dissociation that's the life's work i don't see that as like spiritual bypassing or some kind of
00:54:13.120like thing of like avoiding pain the pain is inevitable suffering is inevitable we're not
00:54:17.680have pain and so it's like how can you accept pain feel pain embrace pain walk toward the pain
00:54:27.120and yet still have some kind of a inner fortress or inner experience or inner world where you're
00:54:33.040able to safely have pain like that's almost well it's like being identifying with the witness i
00:54:39.140mean this is classic meditation stuff but it's like it's like there's your thoughts there's your
00:54:42.340emotions there's your body whatever who's experiencing all those like who's who's the
00:54:45.880thinker behind the thoughts who's who's seeing it all right and this is a full circle this is a full
00:54:50.620circle because to meditation yes the 20 minute room okay that unfortunately i pictured as a blank
00:54:55.580room but perhaps i could put a little sofa in mine's dark blue yes it can be it can be i mean
00:55:01.160one thing relatedly that i always that i thought was huge and in one depression cover from your
00:55:05.520hands in the hands of the desk and that it's so profound and there's so much i will say the word
00:55:11.060joy there's so much yes there's so much there and it's like again going back to like our life's work
00:55:17.220is to become ourselves right or to like or like to actually like what would it be to like actually
00:55:22.220become myself or extend myself to the furthest reaches of like my desires or my own neurosis
00:55:28.920or whatever my own nature right the soul all of this like and by having a little puppet show in
00:55:33.980your desk that is a way to you know to honor that or to just no it's existence it's like right it's
00:55:41.120well it is kind of like between you and god in this way right yeah it's you and you or you could
00:55:45.480say it's you in the universe like i do exist when alone you know i do exist when but and for some
00:55:51.360reason i guess for me it's almost like that yeah that felt like school and other people always felt
00:55:57.340like just this brutal cold wind right like the second you're in school it's like the wind of
00:56:03.880just everything and everyone and like it was just a way of creating a little space you know what it
00:56:09.480was it was this is kind of interesting it's almost like a secret or doing anything that you're not
00:56:14.980talking about or you're not sharing with other people literally create space that they are not
00:56:19.880aware of and thus created more space for yourself to exist in because you've created a bigger world
00:56:25.700that they can't enter like that's wild and this is like a huge thing for me I actually think and
00:56:30.380I've been doing a lot of this like path working stuff right now and a lot of stuff about you know
00:56:33.520creating mental palaces not for memory I gave that up years ago okay not for trying to you know
00:56:38.060mnemonics and whatever okay masonic palaces and the head this more is a different thing but I've
00:56:43.800become so aware of how we like narrow our interiority to the space of our head like we
00:56:50.680keep it so small when of course the brain is infinite and i think part of the reason it feels
00:56:54.800so small is because the brain we experience this little television screen in our head and we're
00:56:59.100like you can only watch one thing at a time almost right so it's just coming in and you're in the
00:57:02.820present and it's like no what if i built out piece by piece my own little mental world
00:57:08.980living alone no but like but like like and some of this gets into my um like spiritual
00:57:16.460psychological materialism okay where i start to fantasize about like well you know then this does
00:57:21.280become where it's about avoiding pain in some ways okay or preparing for pain where it's like
00:57:25.240well i need to have a room where i work on my pain and that room in my head is going to look
00:57:28.700like this and it's going to have these quotes hanging on the wall in my head okay i'm permanently
00:57:32.380preparing myself for like the death of my mother because i've always been like when my mom dies i'm
00:57:36.200going to kill myself right like like and that's actually something i'm only now starting to be0.78
00:57:41.200like guess what i won't you know no i i used to feel like it's we should commit suicide when they0.87
00:57:45.980when they go and by the way there's nothing wrong with preparing yourself for the pain to come or
00:57:51.320to acknowledge we have suffered we are suffering we will suffer like that is like right that is
00:57:56.780the guarantee that is the truth and i think via meditation like we do have to cultivate these
00:58:02.280rooms in ourselves because we have to be able to live in here yes and also there are you know
00:58:08.320rooms inside yourself that you've never been that can be so helpful or offer some kind of comfort
00:58:13.280and imagine the power i mean that's all anybody wants like you just want to feel like you're okay
00:58:18.020and so it's like imagine if being like oh like i actually will be okay or wow i'm no no i'm with
00:58:24.200you like i just my knees in awe no no i'm gonna work on the interior palace and i'm gonna get
00:58:29.020very like over the top with it because i have this whole plan which i'm gonna go outside my0.86
00:58:32.460home i was thinking about this yesterday you know who i am i'm fucking tool man tim like i get an0.72
00:58:36.820idea and i'm like okay we're gonna drive it to it's like to it's extreme but i was thinking like0.85
00:58:40.480i'd go out on my sidewalk and i'd like learn my sidewalk okay like to a point of like i know it's
00:58:45.260so well i know every lamp and then i was gonna hang things okay along my journey so i could
00:58:49.580always go on that walk alone in my head uh in addition to outside whatever it's the lamps is
00:58:54.820beautiful it doesn't it sound great hanging like a little and then you could take the walk and see
00:58:58.460the things that you love hey and by the way sometimes you can only if you can hang a lamp
00:59:01.980it can be a slow process but imagine then the path that in your life you can maintain or cultivate
00:59:07.840no it's like you no one builds a palace in their mind when you could we build palaces like ramshackle
00:59:14.160palaces of hell okay like cobbled together from one trauma to the next yeah it's like what if we
00:59:20.520used our creative visualization abilities to create something more pleasing for ourselves