00:08:29.240Like, you know, the production designers, Halloween decorations, you know, that you just roll past on a street and you just see absolute magic.
00:21:00.180I'm reflecting on what I didn't achieve during the day.
00:21:03.680And, you know, just exhausted by this, this being something I've dealt with since 12, you know, just like beating myself up at the end of the day, and whatever. And I had this thought, which is like same thought I had in and I see it in my journals in eighth grade, like this plan to almost like live the next day, like perfectly. Okay, of course.
00:21:24.060now I feel like as a result of that I learned that that sort of perfectionist thinking and
00:21:32.960all that kind of stuff it's too rigid and it only leads to depression and you know you collapsing
00:21:38.280and and just you know doing nothing and all that kind of stuff and this no no there should be this
00:21:42.620balance and whatever whatever right and it's like but then like I realized the other day I was like
00:21:48.200well what if I just oh yeah here's what it was are you ready I was like what if like tomorrow
00:21:53.600I go for it okay like it's like I haven't gone for it in so many years yeah okay the classic
00:22:00.580like live the day as I would like to live it if I felt I had the ability to right to do all the
00:22:05.980things that I would love to say I could do in a day right get up meditate read you know work out
00:22:12.420do four to six hours of writing you know whatever four to six so I was like I'm gonna go for it and
00:22:19.500then here was, here was how I, cause what gets in the way, right. With the, I'm going to do that
00:22:24.060is one won't be able to maintain it and that'll be depressing. So might as well not try at all.
00:22:27.660Right. And I was like, all right, well, what if instead, and this is how I would trick myself.
00:22:34.280What if I was, you know, an angel came down. Okay. And said, if you can do it, if you can push
00:22:39.960yourself and do it tomorrow, you know, as you'd like to do it, I will make it effortless for you
00:22:45.520to do that forevermore okay do you see what i'm saying yeah like if you like if you do it you break
00:22:52.120the spell yeah you do it once you actually hunker down your your reward your reward will be it'll
00:22:57.660never be hard again is eternal okay oh my god imagine no that's a weird idea and i don't know
00:23:04.040exactly what's going on there i think it's that you know we all want guaranteeing right and if
00:23:11.780someone said like if you do this you can have it you'd do it I guess right or I mean whatever
00:23:19.440it's not it's not a perfect example but I sort of like was like you are capable it's not like
00:23:25.080these things that you want to do I guess it's like whatever but I kind of like went for it and
00:23:29.800Mabel like woke me up with an aggressive bath utter you know sandpaper bath I don't know 7 30
00:23:36.340or something that's kind of it's unusual no usually not the aggressive bath in the morning
00:23:41.300So it was sort of like, I was like, maybe Mabel knows, knows what's going on.
00:33:42.380So did you schedule it? I'm already feeling jealousy that like I've missed the chance. I thought you wanted us to be next to each other, clutching each other's hands.
00:33:50.980Always, always. But I think we know that's not possible. I got a couple of recommendations. I then my friend of mine goes to this woman a lot and she was like, this is the woman. I go to her website. She's booked up for two months, honey.
00:34:08.480oh my god okay so she's art which got me of course so excited um and then my friend i was
00:34:16.540my friend was like i'll text her if you want and see if she can get you in i go please i go
00:34:19.720tell her i have a podcast tell her i have a wellness podcast top 10 baby yeah yeah i get a
00:34:25.860text how about 7 45 a.m on sunday and i go i'll be there la gravity colonic can't wait to report
00:34:33.840back my god the gravity colonic thing about it is that which is i know very little but what i've
00:34:38.900heard by the way i've already of course terrified my colon will rupture and i'll die on the table
00:34:43.100i mean i'm really pushing through some fear here but the thing about the colonics that i've heard
00:34:48.020about through like for my very limited reading on ayurveda or something is like you want gravity
00:34:53.780to be the thing like you want the water high up like so it doesn't force like a lot of conventional
00:34:58.400modern colonics it's like a hose it's like a horizontal hose and it's too forceful you want
00:35:04.800gravity to be the thing pushing it through like a yeah you don't want to be like power hosing one of
00:35:10.080those things you stick in plants that like waters them all the time those are globes
00:35:14.580clearly gravity based oh yeah yeah exactly exactly so it's a globe and so i already have my i mean
00:35:23.480can you believe the romance of that i'm going on sunday so my big plan is to get it you know by
00:35:28.200by nine o'clock I'll be cleaned out and I have this fantasy of driving myself to the ocean
00:35:34.560and like this is my big fantasy because it'll be the second so it'll be the day it'll be the
00:35:41.360new year essentially I'll I'll drive out to the ocean and I'll um you know pick up a juice
00:35:47.720and I'll just walk the ocean I'm being called to the sea I'm being called to the sea lately in a
00:35:53.820way that I cannot ignore so I know even though your fears of madness you mentioned that last
00:36:00.960week the sea can make you mad driven mad by the sea a mad woman wouldn't it be nice to end life0.64
00:36:09.880as a mad woman like doesn't that seem like like a good idea screaming into the night yeah absolutely0.88
00:36:15.420utter banshee hood well that my dream yeah no absolutely to be rendered I mean madness because
00:36:21.920you don't have to come back for from it like at the end of your life like like i remember someone
00:36:26.800i knew talking about how they were just like yeah like if they know they're gonna die or like it's
00:36:30.780like really near the end or something or last like however long of their life or they're very old and
00:36:36.060they're like i've only got a couple years left like they're just gonna go to some beach and like
00:36:39.620just do heroin or something constantly or whatever people always go to heroin they're like i'm gonna
00:36:44.100do heroin when i'm okay so this is not i'm like someone i knew said this you're like yeah everyone
00:36:48.580says it no no I've I've heard that through the years yeah I don't have that at all I have like
00:36:53.200me neither I have fantasies of I always assume that that's when I'll go and it's so like cheap
00:37:00.000because it's like that's when I'll go spiritual that's when I'll become an absolute like
00:37:03.920meditative master you know and it's like I'll finally relax yeah I mean well you know I feel
00:37:11.280like that's when all possible remedy to finally relax exhausted so with it goes grief okay this
00:37:16.040is a huge idea for me I guess it's like Aristotle it's huge it's huge okay and and say it again
00:37:23.960when all possible remedy is exhausted so with it goes grief yeah so no I've heard that I just have
00:37:30.540it's like and I don't have it exactly right but the point is there and it's like it's like you
00:37:35.660know hell is when you still think you could do something oh my god like my cousin um Jack had
00:37:42.120this thing about when we were, when our, uh, grandfather was in hospice and talking about
00:37:48.820the kind of like, um, the relief or the vibe at the, in hospice care, right. And palliative care,
00:37:55.220whatever. Um, that there's a piece there because there's none of the, what's the prognosis doc
00:38:03.240energy. Death is guaranteed. And just sort of like, I don't know. It just, it always made me
00:38:11.600laugh also i think it's funny to say that they um something about the roach motel you know the
00:38:17.020roach motel the roach motel is like a term for a certain set of roach traps which i always thought
00:38:26.020because and they say that the tagline was they check in but they don't check out also true of
00:38:31.680hospice okay life but yeah i thought for years i assumed those roach motels were actually big
00:38:42.500enough structures that a roach could fully climb in and not leave and i don't believe that's
00:38:47.440actually how they well that's what it sounds like they just poison i think and they carry
00:38:51.900it back to the others oh my god it's really disturbing doesn't can't you imagine human
00:38:57.100life without anything smaller than us basically would be a lot more dignified the fact there's
00:39:03.740life on every level is disgusting there's also sadness well i i had that happen i was doing i was
00:39:09.800doing a guided meditation and it was like go to your favorite place in nature and i was like
00:39:13.740couldn't find one my favorite place in nature like i started to panic yeah and then i was like and
00:39:18.140this is the and i was because this is the question right go to your favorite place in nature i'm like
00:39:22.720i start to panic about choosing the right place it's this no it's that it's the redwoods it's
00:39:28.960the ocean it's the like and then i'm like well is this it because is this my favorite place and that
00:39:33.940is um also the thing of like what would you do at the end of your life if you could you know
00:39:38.340go to the beach try heroin what i would do at the end of my life or that hypothetical issue for me
00:39:42.760is just constantly cycling through what should i do what should i do and i'd want a cross-reference
00:39:47.600dinner no no absolutely no you're it's actually very easy it'd be a dinner party god it'd be
00:39:53.320heaven waiting for the thing and just being um dinner party with a with a highly curated group
00:40:00.560well of course no one i don't know obsessiveness about who you're leaving out um or rather what i
00:40:07.100mean is like them you gotta invite them if you invite them you gotta invite them yeah
00:40:10.300yeah exactly like and you I just it's very easy to see you in sort of a um end times1.00
00:40:17.860situation like being fucking hard ass and being like like it's so easy like you have a hard ass0.99
00:40:25.340in you that's like they're not coming well you know like I have this like thing I shouldn't be1.00
00:40:33.020delighted it's just the delight at being seen not that I'm proud of that quality yes well like0.93
00:40:36.980well like no no it's hysterical like i love when you're a hard ass you know play the hogs game i
00:40:42.920always bring up it's not about me not bragging about some accolade some comedy accolade you're0.76
00:40:47.240like why have i seen nothing on instagram you got to play the hogs game that part of you is delightful
00:40:53.560i sometimes lie around thinking about how the word toxic comes out of your mouth in this way
00:40:58.860that's like i don't know if it's california it's like toxins talk it's like the widest
00:41:05.280pronunciation of toxins and i feel like it's it's a it's representative of almost like california's
00:41:12.200fear of toxins like it's like there's such a understanding that toxins are a thing and we
00:41:17.540have to watch out for them that it's like your mouth is as wide as it could possibly be open
00:41:21.260just because it's a blunt truth toxin yeah yeah i'm obsessed with the shape of words
00:41:27.820oh i wrote down cater waiters seen by you did this come up oh i was talking about it with a
00:41:34.180friend that's what it was about um the stress of eating um you know like the cocktail hour
00:41:40.160at an event and the food floating by on trays and and forging intimate connections with the
00:41:48.920with the people passing the food well that's that's amazing i mean i and i and oh i can't
00:41:55.700get enough of these i mean i always fall into that i always fall into the trap of of i'm gonna
00:42:00.820take two oh and are you like all right you know or i see or yes making eyes i'm not one of them
00:42:06.740like i was at it i'm not one of them i was at a very fancy wedding and there were past
00:42:12.820hors d'oeuvres and i felt the need to you know connect with the with the um the i i felt the
00:42:20.980need to be like particularly because it's this added uncomfortable like there's this added
00:42:26.340deeply uncomfortable element if everyone's unmasked except people passing around the food
00:42:31.300right oh right so which is very um and then feels like dystopian hunger games oh yeah they must be
00:42:41.700masked so deeply disturbing and like oh finally we can all just relax we don't have to see the
00:42:47.860full face they can finally just be reduced to pure service transfer just so it's a pure automation of
00:42:54.820hors d'oeuvre um that's so funny of the hors d'oeuvre you know it's like deeply haunting so
00:43:00.020i went overboard clowning and being like like hey what's your name i'm gonna fall back to the
00:43:04.180kitchen i mean yeah yeah yeah like like a patronizing level of interest in them yes
00:43:10.820exactly it it doubles it becomes more offensive it's more embarrassing you know like tell me
00:43:16.720about your dreams do you have kids yeah and it's like it's like actually they just would rather
00:43:20.880perhaps get the job done in this scenario like like it's as though your interest is so valuable
00:43:27.200that to casually it presupposes it's disgusting um and i fall prey but also hey i just like people
00:43:36.800i like yakking them up oh my god well yeah trying to sort of
00:43:41.820pillsbury doughboy them you know like they poke the belly and the pillsbury doughboy makes that
00:43:47.760like sound and it's it's yeah who's doing that are they the the doughboy the person that you're
00:43:54.200trying to yuck up the person that you're trying to break through to get the the feel the connection
00:43:59.120with or whatever but wait i want to think more about oh yeah no i was just going to talk about
00:44:05.260our nerves nothing i just think i was thinking about being broken through trying to break
00:44:09.700through i actually recently had somebody that i couldn't break through um it's a cashier at
00:44:15.200and it was so subtle. Yes. Did you keep going? I, I gave a little something, nothing. I went,
00:44:24.200okay. I gave a little something more there. There was like, I'm not kidding. It felt karmic. It
00:44:29.560felt past life. There was immediately this thing of like you and I like this. And it's something
00:44:35.020I don't feel often. It felt very unfamiliar and it felt very jarring. I was like, oh, this is
00:44:39.600historical we have historical beef right and then this woman comes floating behind me and says to1.00
00:44:47.080this cashier hi my love how'd you feel about her what and then my cashier i was like get the fuck0.96
00:44:54.000i'm working here lady i'm trying to get this trying to flip this guy hysterical hi my love0.95
00:45:00.300and then they start having their little banter and he's like i love your jacket and she's like
00:45:32.820but wait i think this is something that you said to me that what's the belief i forgot whose idea
00:45:38.500it is but that it's like a reincarnation thing or something thing about how everyone that you
00:45:45.080ever meet like you've only ever met them or something like everyone that you encounter in
00:45:50.420your life like there is no one do what i'm saying is this something like well it sounds we all you
00:45:57.720like like early like in neanderthals only knew like 12 people like like it was like maximum 12
00:46:03.960people you would you would ever encounter in your life which is a unbelievable idea
00:46:07.860like like like we're sort of meant perhaps to roam in these very small humans right are highly
00:46:16.260what's the word what's the more elevated word than click yeah yeah like humans are intensely
00:46:23.540um oh my god how did language form that's when i start losing well how did language form been the
00:46:30.300question since childhood okay because i always picture and i have a location for this in my mind
00:46:34.960so like as a kid so this obsession with like words it's like as a kid what this took the form of is i
00:46:41.080always imagined and i guess because i was having this thought in my bedroom then it took this image
00:46:46.700took place in my hallway because that's still where i go in my mind the hallway of my house
00:46:50.640growing up is where I picture this meeting of people like like almost like but not having words
00:46:56.100but being like okay we got to get some words okay and and what would be like the first ones that and
00:47:01.300how would they get there without any words that's so so so it's like you have to start with something
00:47:06.280like if there was no language you know what's the first concept what's the first like division is it
00:47:13.300is it i you know sorry is it is it i and you do you know i'm saying like i know i versus you like
00:47:21.860is it is the first word no i know boober yes i think so but then who did i who who told me this
00:47:29.960like the first poetry who's like the first there's like a poet who's a woman who's like the first
00:47:36.200one to say i oh seems too good to be true you mean the first one in poetry to say the first
00:47:42.260reference to i in in poetry or potentially maybe it extends beyond poetry and just means like
00:47:49.580the rest of us that birthed yeah entire civilization of i well that's the you know
00:47:58.340the martin buber i thou that's what i started to say i said buber and then i was like wait0.92
00:48:03.520is it buber is it heschel shit i even heard you no it's buber okay i said buber and then and then0.97
00:48:08.920I wasn't yeah that's the eye that one I would kill to go back to college with you we could do it we0.99
00:48:15.680could take one of those great courses together I really want you I I demand I I need the rigor I0.87
00:48:22.960enough is a fucking enough I can't do this anymore well what you're doing what it's like is and
00:48:28.580sometimes the only way to I can't it's the opposite of the thing of okay I'm gonna try to just0.97
00:48:35.260live perfectly. It's like, let me drive myself into the hell. Like, okay, I'm going to eat
00:48:39.900seven jars of peanut butter so that I could finally be free of peanut butter. Like I'm
00:48:43.580going to make myself sick on peanut butter. And then what I find is that it doesn't actually
00:48:48.040happen. Like maybe you're sick of it for like a day, but she comes back ready to go pretty quick.
00:48:54.700Well, I've done that with social media when I'm avoiding work or something. And so I go,
00:48:58.880I'm scrolling. I go five more minutes and then I go, you know what? Fuck it. Go for it. You hog.
00:49:03.780go drink drink the poisonous well go as though it'll force you out and i go okay0.94
00:49:09.940and i'm in it and i go great i feel like years can pass though like like with these these peanut
00:49:16.740butter dreams okay where it's like where i'm where i'm in the phase of let's make myself sick
00:49:23.280of peanut butter you know i'm i'm doing that for um i remember this thing i can't remember where
00:49:27.300this is from if it was just someone's story or i read it or whatever but it was oh i think i know
00:49:31.540I think it was a friend's dad caught smoke the whole pack better no I know that one the force
00:49:38.160to smoke the whole pack eat them I think they had to soak them in water and then eat them I
00:49:42.440actually think I'm combining two stories no but I feel like even that like every time I've smoked
00:49:49.140a cigarette like you know after years of not smoking one I have one and it's like it's like
00:49:54.760sort of horrible but then like you could push through in one second it's just the promise of
00:50:00.380rock bottom and and thinking you're at rock bottom on a on a given thing and not being there
00:50:05.980is like you know hell like I just it's like I don't believe that I'll bounce back up as high
00:50:11.440unless I've gone super low like you know you have to like if I if I'm a ball if I bounce myself if
00:50:18.140I throw myself the ground really hard I'll bounce back up higher no there's something there is an
00:50:23.960undeniable truth in there but then but but but then you've come flying up and it's too it's too
00:50:32.900like forceful you go back down with the same force you know steady steady steady cumulative
00:50:42.060you know growth is really hard for me to believe and me too i don't fucking buy it but i know it's
00:50:50.720I know it's it's real and I've like I've you know what I've fallen I'm sorry but I've fallen off
00:50:56.800athletic greens why greed okay I'm furious I'm resentful my eyes I feel like I just had this
00:51:03.860reaction okay I'm I'm well I just I just became no my greed was not about like you fell off exactly
00:51:11.760but like like the extent to which we've pushed them I'm like confused why I've run out and no
00:51:18.100more has appeared at the door and i say that right i say that because you know who has been amazing
00:51:24.040and i want to say austin river riders but their name is ranch rider spirit or no
00:51:29.260yeah austin ranch rider spirits okay they have just consistently with every mention been like
00:51:35.120let me send some more okay they're always ready to send more hoping that a pallet will arrive if i
00:51:41.060i'm gonna look but but i just i appreciate that i appreciate not being shamed into you know so
00:51:47.060anyway I'm like however at the same time a big principle of mine that I stand by strongly is
00:51:52.900that you don't do something for someone and then after the fact get to act like um they owe you
00:51:59.860like that is absolutely not fair of course I cannot stand someone doing the dishes you know
00:52:05.440before you arrive in the room and acting like you don't do the dishes when they just you know
00:52:11.180flew forward and and did it like when you would have been willing you know I'm saying
00:52:16.820And I really don't like, like one time someone offered to, I would go to this shop with these crystals like, like every day for a while, weekly, because my therapist at the time was nearby. And so it became part of the ritual. They had a wonderful crystal sort of bar. And, you know, I would look at the crystals and read metaphysical books, whatever. And sort of that was before and after the therapy.
00:52:40.120and i got really into it and i was really into the stone the moldavite one right that you love
00:52:47.320moldavite yeah because like all the crystal books they were like and the things they're like moldavite
00:52:51.900like this one girl was like that's the silvery one right i can't even hold no it's green it's
00:52:56.320like bottled glass green apologies yeah and i got one for my cousin once i told her to get it and
00:53:02.960then someone threw it out they thought it was a dried up raisin okay but if you hold it up to the
00:53:08.080light you could see the green anyway so i was really into it because i had a couple things
00:53:12.540um like this one guy who i think was who was on tv shows where he was hunting for ghosts and stuff
00:53:20.680he was like yeah i held a piece of moldavite and like every energy in my body stood up okay
00:53:26.420and then this other girl said she couldn't um she couldn't hold moldavite without throwing up
00:53:32.520like it was so powerful i know it's hysterical right i love it yeah i love it too someone
00:53:37.860there offered to drill a little hole in it for me so I could put it on a chain and this was
00:53:45.880someone who worked there and they just offered it like like a friend like oh look I drilled a hole
00:53:50.680in mine you know you know I can do it for you I have the right drill at home whatever and you know
00:53:56.820and I was like really you know like you know when you do like that kind of thing like really are you
00:54:01.120sure like I mean that'd be great but you know no pressure to do it kind of thing and they insist
00:54:07.360in this way that to me makes it clear that they're doing it for free other than the cost of goods so
00:54:13.020then she's like I could include a copper chain okay and I'm like yes and I'd be happy to pay
00:54:18.600for that obviously like you know what I mean like if you're gonna want to put it on the chain
00:54:23.580yourself and then she appears one week and she's like I did it I had bought the moldavite myself
00:54:29.680you know and she gives it to me and then she's like I asked myself I looked into my heart and
00:54:34.520said, what, what does this cost? And I'm thinking, you know, $150. No. Yeah. And, uh,
00:54:45.940and what, it really annoyed me because the cost of the Moldavite. So just for the labor and the
00:54:54.440chain. Yes. I bought the Moldavite like from the store separately. She wasn't the owner of the
00:55:00.340store she was just like a pal essentially you know because i would go in there all the time
00:55:05.280and no you have to talk up front about cost always and and if that's why you have to be
00:55:11.980if you think you're getting something for free always and you've seen this with me like you
00:55:17.000have to be goddamn explicit and really check yeah because yeah i was like willing to accept i'll pay
00:55:23.260for the copper chain like so it's like very clear that's what i'm saying i'll pay for and then she0.87
00:55:28.000started saying like well you know it was harder to drill than i thought it was gonna be okay and
00:55:33.780it's like that's why you used to have a cost up front and you ask for half up front and do a
00:55:38.300check-in in the middle like if this is a or you say i'm not sure exactly how much but it's probably
00:55:42.820going to be you know at least this or in the ballpark of that yeah there was there was it
00:55:46.440was absolutely pitched as a what did you do what the hell did you do you know i i'm trying to
00:55:52.860remember in that moment you either you either emotionless go okay i know it's interesting
00:55:59.960because oh well one i mean one i would have never have done it if she said if you want to give me
00:56:09.060150 you know or or if you want to for for a for a cost i'd be happy to donate to the charity of
00:56:15.560your choice i never would have made that choice obviously and you know i don't know some people
00:56:20.620my, so I, I definitely didn't just pay because I really, it was dead clear. It was like, in my
00:56:27.380opinion, the moment she realized it was harder work than she anticipated, right. To do this thing
00:56:33.040for free, you know, that she offered to do as a favor, essentially that moment is the moment where
00:56:39.480you stop and you reach out, you email me or whatever. And you say, I realized this is actually
00:56:44.840going to be more work than, you know, than I thought. So if you want me to continue and go
00:56:50.160ahead with it I do it but I have to be paid for it or something right and I could then decide you0.93
00:56:55.940know and if I sound like the asshole it's because I go hard with this stuff I get very literal um0.93
00:57:02.360you know about how business should be conducted because I have to go there to offset this guilt0.92
00:57:09.240and feeling like I did something wrong I'm I mean really it's really hard because it's really hard
00:57:15.780um so wait so so you don't think so I think I and that's why I'm like hesitating to say it0.68
00:57:22.960because I'm worried like people think I'm an asshole but I think I was like I was like0.52
00:57:26.740you know I I thought you were doing this for free um if you realized it was going to be more work0.94
00:57:32.640and you didn't want to do it for free you know I would have expected you to let me know that so I
00:57:37.340could decide whether or not I wanted to pay you for this labor it's tough and then you and then
00:57:41.680And I feel like that's kind of when the going to that store ended for me.