Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - You've Been Extraordinary

00:00:00.000 This is an iHeart Podcast.

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00:00:04.420 This is Ryder Strong, and I have a new podcast called The Red Weather.

00:00:08.020 In 1995, my neighbor, Anna Traynor, disappeared from a commune.

00:00:11.960 It was nature and trees and praying and drugs.

00:00:15.780 No, I am not your guru.

00:00:19.420 Back then, I lied to everybody.

00:00:21.720 They have had this case for 30 years.

00:00:24.660 I'm going back to my hometown to uncover the truth.

00:00:27.320 Listen to The Red Weather on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:00:57.320 Chase Matthew.

00:00:58.440 Listen and subscribe on the iHeartRadio app,

00:01:00.880 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

00:01:04.900 Hello, it's me, Anna Sinfield, the host of The Girlfriends.

00:01:09.020 I'm back with more one-off interviews

00:01:11.120 with some truly kick-ass women on The Girlfriends Spotlight.

00:01:16.320 I'm going to climb this.

00:01:18.700 Is badness hereditary?

00:01:20.640 Let's see how we can stop killing.

00:01:23.480 I'm not too intimidated by her.

00:01:24.900 What are you talking about?

00:01:27.320 Listen to the Girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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00:02:08.720 Hi, I'm Kate Berlant.

00:02:10.200 I'm Jacqueline Novak.

00:02:11.280 And this is POOG, an ongoing conversation about wellness between two obsessive friends.

00:02:16.080 Two untamable intellects.

00:02:17.820 This is our hobby. 0.97

00:02:18.660 This is our hell.

00:02:19.520 This is our naked desire for free products.

00:02:21.820 This is POOG.

00:02:23.040 Today's topic, loosely speaking, pencil.

00:02:26.100 pumice the shell

00:02:28.860 instantly I'm reading you as being euphoric

00:02:33.320 is it because you just did Tracy

00:02:35.120 yes 1.00

00:02:35.660 fuck 1.00

00:02:36.700 I mean it can only be that 1.00

00:02:39.360 and I turn the day around

00:02:40.340 I can't wait to tell you

00:02:41.360 I love turning the day around

00:02:44.340 I know it's a shock

00:02:45.660 sorry if you can hear Mabel in her litter box 0.85

00:02:49.960 one of the sweetest sounds 0.93

00:02:50.960 because of course you hear nothing

00:02:52.600 except for the sound of her covering

00:02:54.100 you know what she's done

00:02:55.160 her scraping probably can't hear it i turned the day around the last two days i've woken up

00:03:00.300 you know with a scattered sensation you know when you have these dreams that are not the kind that

00:03:06.080 wrap up with a neat little um symbolic sort of thing to take into your day but it's just

00:03:11.320 what feels like eight hours of admin in the night oh god you do admin in your dreams it's more like 0.99

00:03:18.000 like just like bullshit with other people and dealing with like random shit it's annoying 0.99

00:03:23.200 no wonder i'm so reclusive sorry i was gonna gasp because you i had a dream with you so it's 0.92

00:03:30.800 interesting to me that you're you like never appear in my dreams okay almost never i had a

00:03:37.660 dream the other night this is so just a classic anxiety dream or something but you and john

00:03:42.220 early abandoned me at some party in manhattan and you were like it was like i was looking out the

00:03:48.360 skyline and you had left i was like where'd you guys go and you're like oh we left and i was like

00:03:51.740 you left without me again nothing interesting there just like well I think it's it's fabulous 0.77

00:03:58.880 I'm almost like thrilled to have like like been the bitch for once in my life well I have to say 0.70

00:04:03.580 that I'm actually I'm taking a dream course next week I'm starting to I've decided I've decided

00:04:09.760 that I need a Jungian analyst wait are you gonna go into proper Jungian analysis because it's time

00:04:16.580 So I'm applying for one.

00:04:19.120 Okay, I want in as well, and I don't know.

00:04:21.560 I'll send you the application.

00:04:22.900 It takes like many months to be matched with someone.

00:04:24.900 Oh, of course.

00:04:26.380 Oh, no, to be matched.

00:04:27.500 All right, it's time.

00:04:28.240 It's time.

00:04:28.980 No, no, no.

00:04:29.740 This is like through like the Young Institute, and it takes a long time.

00:04:34.100 But you can get in there, and I want in.

00:04:36.920 No, I've danced upon their site.

00:04:39.460 I mean, it's years-long work, you know?

00:04:42.120 Years.

00:04:42.500 Which, of course, it is, right?

00:04:44.380 and I have to say there is something in a post-covid world about being like oh I could do

00:04:48.820 it on zoom right oh yeah like I love in person but but is it necessary sorry go back with your

00:04:56.100 dream so no it's just endless admin and it's been this way the last two nights and I wake up with a

00:05:02.120 sort of scattered feeling okay and I've realized and so what did I do I took to I took to the

00:05:06.500 oldest thing pot well I made my coffee I went out into the sun and I just go out in the sun like

00:05:10.460 a grump like let the sun warm me fix me of course I slap on SPF first okay yeah I do that I slap on

00:05:16.620 my visor my SPF I get out there and and I sit down like huh and I'm like all right warm me

00:05:22.780 wake me what's happening what time is it I'm just trying to get a full like 7 30 or something

00:05:26.900 oh because here's the thing these days dinner television fall right asleep when you sleep

00:05:34.080 I've been noticing your early mornings and your, yeah, like sometimes by 1030.

00:05:40.700 That's my dream. 1030 lights out to me is the dream.

00:05:44.700 But it's happening as a result of, I mean, it only took me 20 years to notice. If you get up

00:05:50.440 early, you might go to bed early. Okay. But honestly, when the rumors are true, it stings.

00:05:56.040 I know. It stings. And I guess what it is, is, you know, I've basically come to realize that

00:06:03.420 after I eat, I can do nothing. It's over. I can't believe that. Yeah. And so it's like dinner. If

00:06:09.780 dinner is going to be of any substance, it's over, folks. So now I'm just like, well, fuck it. Why 1.00

00:06:14.300 am I if I if I'm going to stay up again, like if I'm going to eat dinner at six or at seven or at

00:06:19.780 eight, I'm up at midnight. It's time for another full meal. Right. Right. Of course. So it's almost

00:06:25.880 like I don't want to be one of these people that goes to bed to stop eating. I remember a guy on

00:06:32.040 the biggest loser it was some guy who lost a lot of weight and it was like yeah i just

00:06:36.420 heard go to bed early and to me that's just like yikes anyway take me back so i'm up early i'm at 0.82

00:06:43.500 the sun things are i'm in the sun and i i'm feeling you know eight hours of admin has just

00:06:48.680 unfolded where'd you go when i went i looked out the window i saw this the light hitting the plants

00:06:54.900 and i thought what a deep contemplation what if life is easy because i'm hearing you talk about

00:06:58.580 that's like going to bed early, waking up early. And I've been thinking about, we talk about this

00:07:02.840 on poo, but it's just like the embarrassment of like water, exercise, eat well. Like how dare we

00:07:08.900 talk about life if we're not on top of those? Kind of? Yeah. Something like that. Or just like

00:07:13.740 hydration, like all these things. And I was listening to a podcast earlier. It's all about,

00:07:17.160 you know, regulating the nervous system and all this. And it's like, all right, like breathing,

00:07:22.460 like, it's just, how could it be? So it's not how, why is it? Why are the easy things? The heart

00:07:28.000 in you know because they bore us you know we have roving and we simply can't be bothered and also i

00:07:36.020 just at the end of the day i refuse to live like a monk right i believe we've talked about this we

00:07:40.340 embrace imbalance there's no you know and the laugh is you know no monks are coming for us and

00:07:45.480 and and even monks or the nervous system they're not asking for much even monks get the blues baby

00:07:51.080 well ain't that the truth okay you think the only tear that falls from monk's eyes a tear of

00:07:56.540 recognition of beauty i think not well that's the thing it's like so the crying monk it's like well

00:08:00.400 was it worth it do you know what i mean it's like so here's someone who lives this life right of

00:08:04.100 like completely devoted journaling with the with the water lemon and the and all of it and they're

00:08:09.940 like their vagus nerve is fully calm they're still going to be triggered by something and then

00:08:14.320 slip into and yet if they're not what's the point like to to to be born i can't get behind any

00:08:21.100 specific regimen of any kind yeah to be born to live in ecstasy and to die i mean surely you're

00:08:27.200 we're not sitting here for that are we and i think that's what we know right like we intuit

00:08:33.320 that we're not merely here to transcend this plane or we wouldn't need to be here so i feel 0.82

00:08:40.620 like there's a sense that we're supposed to like get in the fucking muck of it right develop some

00:08:44.900 grudges in order to release ourselves yeah it's very great you know what i mean i don't know it's

00:08:49.740 there's an interplay so so continue you know what i mean like i don't know when there are

00:08:55.600 these visions of this no the serene water without a wave or you know like the the undisturbed waters

00:09:00.480 it's just what is like what is you know a calm human you know like what is that like i don't

00:09:05.440 know i mean surely the moment that we all transcend our emotions and bodies the universe blinks out of 0.97

00:09:11.040 existence yeah exactly what are you left to do on a goddamn tuesday yeah what a bore raising the 0.78

00:09:15.580 vibration as they say i mean but but oh my god oh my god i just want to say this because it 0.91

00:09:20.200 happened to me today doesn't have to be quick i've been really quickly why not let it be long

00:09:24.000 i let it be long i said okay i was i have this like admin thing right that involves going to

00:09:30.780 the bank that i've been putting off for 6 000 years of course and today i was like i don't

00:09:34.320 want to do it i was like you're doing it or like i i started to do it and i started to get truly

00:09:38.280 agitated in my body i was like and then i was like you're gonna do it and i was getting ready

00:09:43.860 to go to the bank and I said out loud just about going to the bank I said you're strong

00:09:47.020 I was like you can do it you're strong like about going to Bank of America of course and by the way

00:09:54.180 huge thing truly texted my mother I was like and I folded it into I tried to pretend it wasn't a

00:09:59.080 big deal I was like yeah I'm just doing like running errands like I'm going to the bank to

00:10:02.120 like deal with this stuff oh my god you know what I mean and then play the casualness I yeah yeah

00:10:06.760 like oh I'm just simply yeah and then I the bank was closed what I'm trying to say

00:10:12.020 the bank was closed and it was like wow it was perfect of course there's nothing to even discuss

00:10:19.240 the meaning is clear right i just about committed arson it was just like it was like the work that

00:10:28.140 i did to get myself to that place well that to me is i know we spoke of this on a recent recording

00:10:33.960 of poog when the thing is anticlimactic and and then we insist that therefore that that is its

00:10:41.560 own dramatic end the non-end is an end well is it i mean you know what i mean it's forcing meaning

00:10:47.100 so it's like it's like if you succeeded in the bank task that would have held a certain meaning

00:10:52.760 right but isn't it even more meaningful the way that i didn't have it away way more meaningful

00:10:58.380 you can finally be ready and get yourself you know ready to do it and the universe has other

00:11:03.620 plans and i've then i manically checks it through people like banks closed on saturday what is this

00:11:07.980 oh wow i thought banks were closed on sunday you're bargaining what you were you know the

00:11:13.760 phases the denial of they're the oh of right of course you're still in bargaining i think

00:11:18.620 or in this denial that's yeah yeah you know it applies it applies so go back i want you to take

00:11:25.620 me back to where you where you were going well all it was is that ecstasy okay i turned that i've

00:11:31.160 turned the day around and it's because i i woke up my mind's darting about from everything from

00:11:36.280 what's right in front of my eyeballs okay like my plants and deciding wondering if bougainvillea

00:11:41.320 or whatever and i say it that way and i don't know what to say about it you're fine you're fine i need

00:11:45.540 to if i need to trim it to get more brack brackies uh blooms or whatever okay so my mind falls on

00:11:51.180 that but it's because over on the other side of my mind is all the stuff that i'm sort of vaguely

00:11:55.500 concerned about and don't know how to move forward with and don't have you know a direct path to

00:12:00.300 solving meanwhile when i glance over over here and i go hmm plants you know i should just buy one i

00:12:04.460 you get one that's fully formed then I immediately run to you know the offer up app or something

00:12:08.540 right and start searching for whatever so it's like I run to the app for the thing yeah so I'm

00:12:14.900 there I feel the grumpy non-refresh in the sun sense of morning and I go all right I'm gonna

00:12:22.120 turn to the oldest trick in the book folks a journal and a pen okay yeah it works now I couldn't

00:12:28.140 find my journal couldn't find my journal yeah it was a very specific one I was looking for really

00:12:33.160 nice got it on the road couldn't find it grabbed a thick piece of cardstock paper in a pinch okay

00:12:39.360 suddenly couldn't find a pen what a laugh a fingernail will do yeah i found something else

00:12:45.380 took it out front sat there and began to tether the brain to the page now

00:12:50.860 immediately i remark on the fact that the way the pen slows you the way the way putting putting pen

00:12:58.840 page it hurts the hand hurts the hand it slows you so much so that it reveals the very problem

00:13:06.500 with the mind that it's quicksilver up there that there is no weight and no time up in the mind you 0.98

00:13:11.560 can go anywhere you can follow any path without any felt loss and that's chaos yeah fucking chaos 0.64

00:13:18.740 you could fly to the moon and back you know using a word alone but the page being forced and then 0.89

00:13:25.380 i've realized that typing unfortunately is also too fast okay typing i can fly nearly at the speed

00:13:33.140 of my own thoughts i could throw a parenthetical in there i can jot a note if i have some other

00:13:36.800 angle i want to go down i can quickly open a new dock start that title that and then go back to

00:13:40.920 this dock it can it can pile up the same speed if i'm forced to literally drag lead across a page

00:13:48.400 you know i remember learning this in like science paper's harder than lead okay like you were

00:13:53.560 rubbing the two against each other and one is rubbing off on the other like of course of course

00:13:57.520 paper's harder than lead but wow i love it there's something really satisfying that the paper is

00:14:03.280 literally like that's what's happening we think of it as like depositing we think i feel like we

00:14:07.740 think of the the pencil excuse me yeah as depositing color onto a page when in fact the page is dragging

00:14:15.800 it off of it with its own roughness the page is the page is forcing it out what's the pumice

00:14:21.260 wow and the pencil is the foot yeah wait let me take a second let me take a minute isn't that

00:14:28.660 weird drag a pen drag a pencil across yeah or here's another way to think of it hold the pencil

00:14:34.880 still and drag a hard piece of paper across it it's pulling pulling it off it's pulling it off

00:14:39.880 that yeah you'll feel it the next time you drag a pencil you're like oh no i'm i'm understanding

00:14:46.300 it you know this is getting um I'm going back to the SATs even you just simply trying to create an

00:14:51.620 analogy you said the foot is the would you say the pumice the um don't tell me don't tell me

00:14:58.000 the paper is the pumice and the foot is the pen right I just haven't thought in those terms for

00:15:05.820 so long and I started to shut down oh you mean in terms of um literal memory literal metaphor like

00:15:13.780 as if a car is to a garage

00:15:17.680 as a blank is to a blank?

00:15:19.280 Yeah.

00:15:23.720 This is Ryder Strong

00:15:25.020 and I have a new podcast called The Red Weather.

00:15:27.780 It was many and many a year ago

00:15:30.740 in a kingdom by the sea.

00:15:33.080 In 1995, my neighbor, Anna Trainor,

00:15:35.680 disappeared from a commune.

00:15:36.960 It was hard to wrap your head around.

00:15:38.300 It was nature and trees and praying and drugs.

00:15:41.580 so no i am not your guru and back then i lied to my parents i lied to police i lied to everybody

00:15:50.400 there were years right where i could not say your name i've decided to go back to my hometown in

00:15:55.280 northern california interview my friends family talk to police journalists whomever i can to try

00:16:00.380 to find out what actually happened isn't it a little bit weird that they obsess over hippies

00:16:04.880 in the woods and not the obvious boyfriend they have had this case for 30 years i'll teach you 0.99

00:16:10.660 Sons of bitches come around here and my wife. 1.00

00:16:12.960 Boom. Boom. 1.00

00:16:14.280 This is The Red Weather.

00:16:17.260 Listen to The Red Weather on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:16:24.160 Crook and Chase Nashville chats with the coolest cat in country music.

00:16:28.080 He is edgy. He's fun. He is Chase Matthews.

00:16:31.400 Keith Urban helped make him a global sensation last year, but it's his recent number one hit darling to put Chase on the map

00:16:37.180 and launched a fun and difficult conversation about lovers who cheat and lie.

00:16:42.440 That's why I'm scared to get married. You're giving me trust issues, brother.

00:16:45.340 Crook and Chase Nashville Chats with Chase Matthew.

00:16:48.080 Listen and subscribe on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

00:16:54.680 Hello, it's me, Anna Sinfield, from The Girlfriends,

00:16:58.120 the number one hit true crime show that puts women right in the center of their own stories.

00:17:04.600 I'm back with more one-off interviews 0.97

00:17:06.720 with some truly kick-ass women on The Girlfriend's Spotlight. 1.00

00:17:11.620 I want to introduce you to Sylvia. 0.97

00:17:14.140 I'm going to climb this.

00:17:16.500 And then there's Vaisaka.

00:17:18.640 Let's see how we can stop killing and save lives.

00:17:22.760 Leila dared to ask the question.

00:17:25.220 Is badness hereditary?

00:17:27.260 And finally, we'll meet Rosamund.

00:17:29.060 If it wasn't for the year where Ella lived,

00:17:32.000 She wouldn't have died on that fatal night.

00:17:35.120 You'll even get to meet my mum in that one,

00:17:36.860 who I can always count on to keep my feet on the ground.

00:17:39.900 I'm not too intimidated by her.

00:17:41.320 What are you talking about? 1.00

00:17:44.240 Listen to The Girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeartRadio app, 1.00

00:17:47.680 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:17:50.600 can you multitask and what is the relationship and once again where were you and i and i want

00:18:04.720 to go have you finish your thought well the realization is because by the way the other

00:18:07.960 piece of this morning about multitasking i mean the other piece was my phone was was not not

00:18:13.060 around okay i left it in the other room i went outside my piece of paper and and my pencil oh

00:18:19.420 wait i'm sorry so i want to hear how did the journaling how did it feel so i sit there with

00:18:22.800 my thing and i begin okay and i just go like hello okay but and then i'm like all right what's like

00:18:27.600 flying up for me i was like felt the need to know at the time like i'm in the sun it's the morning

00:18:32.300 oh i always do that's great okay i just note that okay and then i just go all right what's

00:18:36.560 like feeling all over the place right all right okay let's let's parse it let's tether this to

00:18:42.760 the page and figure it out okay largo okay i have anxiety because i have largo show tonight right

00:18:47.120 That's the first thing I jotted down.

00:18:48.720 Let's take a second and sort of like look at why.

00:18:51.040 What am I freaked out about here?

00:18:52.380 Nothing worse than an exciting big plan on the horizon.

00:18:55.660 Okay, so there's that.

00:18:56.660 And I was able to recognize that I simultaneously,

00:19:00.000 there's a little part of me that's relieved

00:19:01.680 or even grateful to have the anxiety of the thing

00:19:04.280 because having to go do these things

00:19:06.340 that I claim are my life's purpose,

00:19:08.260 get me out of the house and whatever.

00:19:10.260 And I get bummed out when I don't have them.

00:19:12.180 So it's like, whatever.

00:19:13.160 I was able to see the other side of that a little bit

00:19:15.240 and go, all right.

00:19:16.080 And then I was able to parse through like three particular things I was anxious about

00:19:19.560 and kind of like look at them and go, you know, is that really it?

00:19:22.140 Whatever.

00:19:23.500 Boom.

00:19:24.220 Then I moved to whatever was next.

00:19:25.620 I was like, all right, what else?

00:19:26.500 Was something else lurking here?

00:19:27.960 And I sort of moved through them.

00:19:29.780 And as I went, there were moments where something like my eyes fell upon my plant

00:19:34.460 and I started to wonder if I should get a different structure for my wisteria.

00:19:39.000 If I need to undo the careful winding I had done around this one pole and then go,

00:19:43.920 okay, do I need a pergola?

00:19:45.120 You know, whatever.

00:19:45.520 and I decided to note that within this ongoing paragraph note the thought that normally I would

00:19:50.840 then go and research with my phone if I was on my phone because I was able to feel by being in the

00:19:56.100 page I was able to feel that right now if I were my phone there I would go google that thing then

00:20:01.180 I'd be in the app and I might be there all day yep for example I lost a day to you sending me

00:20:05.820 whatever the hell you got on offer up recently wait I forget oh my chair oh my god I bought I

00:20:11.080 got yeah i thought oh yeah i am a herman miller ergonomically safe wrong whatever the hell air

00:20:17.400 on i got it for a steal on offer up although they were like reminded me yeah of offer up and i went

00:20:23.640 and and basically i've been on there for weeks now okay but i lost that whole day and later you

00:20:27.800 checked in about something else and i'm like isn't it interesting so and you know an offer up or any

00:20:32.380 app the app doesn't tell you to leave you know what i mean they want you to be there all day

00:20:36.140 why wouldn't they right they want your whole life they want your children's lives so i did a little

00:20:39.980 circle anything that's like that oh you know what I need to buy batteries okay I write that in but

00:20:45.140 I don't go off and handle it because I was every time these thoughts occurred to me while I was

00:20:48.280 writing I thought okay if I were on my phone right now I'd go I'd go to the website I'd add or I'd

00:20:53.140 start a shopping cart on Instacart or something and I'd start adding stuff and then I'd see the

00:20:57.540 stuff that was in my thing and I'd go into that whole mode it's just I mean this is distraction

00:21:01.060 this is this is nothing yes utter another bore but anyway I was able to get get back out and

00:21:07.620 continue on the sentence okay and i just put a little circle next to anything that was almost

00:21:11.600 like something that might need to be returned to an idea i don't have to then execute the idea at

00:21:17.000 that moment for fear of forgetting it right because i've noted it and i worked out some

00:21:23.840 anxiety i was having about reviewing reviewing my materials before my show and like found a way

00:21:28.820 like remembered a whole thing because i was like oh yeah and found a way into that and then like

00:21:33.180 courageously began reviewing the materials so courageous to begin i was like i'll see you

00:21:37.500 back here to myself in the journal yeah like after yeah and then I did that yeah and then I

00:21:44.980 I did Tracy and turning the day around there's nothing this is the thing that I always am shocked

00:21:52.020 by the mood is it's just all ephemeral you can I can feel deep despondence and then 45 minutes

00:21:58.860 later I feel Christ entering Christ's hands on my back yeah telling me it's all gonna be okay it's

00:22:03.980 like so you saying that last night because I've been going to bed early I get I get sleepy early

00:22:09.380 these days but last night I was at a friend's house till midnight not to brag speeding down

00:22:15.000 the highway got home and then at like 12 48 purchased a blue light blocker whatever like

00:22:23.060 clip-on reading light wait the very one you were talking about the other day because you sent me

00:22:27.840 their website blue block sirs yeah yeah blue blocks and and the reading light was what I

00:22:33.040 wanted because i mean to think lying in the clip on the clip on that's the one i want that's what

00:22:37.380 i got because i'm like i want to live in a pre i want to live in a renaissance world as we all do

00:22:43.380 but it's like i have this vision of what my bedroom could be to me and that involves of course

00:22:48.560 the the um the bedside table with the abalone and the incense and you know what i have to say

00:22:54.080 i'm formally not acknowledging the candles are bad for you you mean the um the toxin i'm making

00:23:00.480 the formal decision that I accept the toxins and I will not be. You will not be afraid. I will not

00:23:08.940 be adjusting my lifestyle. No, you enjoy candle and that will do a lot for you. Candles bring

00:23:12.860 too much joy. I'm not even talking about a scented candle. I just mean, I mean, that isn't referencing

00:23:16.740 because that's what I have in my bedroom, but candles at the dinner table, candles are one of

00:23:21.240 the only reasons to live. To live. Yeah. They're one of the few things we've got. Like I'm not even

00:23:26.040 remotely exaggerated have you seen the candle emoji i mean recently because by the way it's

00:23:30.560 gorgeous to refuse candlelight is actually to i would to scorn not only the gods but neanderthals

00:23:38.180 it's to scorn fire itself and the reason that we are even here and the only thing that ever brought

00:23:43.700 us together arguably fire the flame who that i don't care let the flame be toxic let the chemicals

00:23:50.800 burn, let it happen. I'm not giving up candles. So I, because for a while I was like, okay,

00:23:56.240 I'm switching to an oil diffuser and God bless an oil diffuser. Although of course I immediately

00:24:00.900 freeze when it's like, and after 14 burns, you know, then I'm like, I have to introduce,

00:24:05.500 I have to clean it with white vinegar. I'm going to, I'm going to collapse into non-meaning. I

00:24:10.760 don't, I cannot. So, so who's keeping a log? So just to get this straight. Yeah. Who's keeping a

00:24:16.020 log? Someone's keeping a little log and going, well, I use the oil diffuser again. Well, you

00:24:19.640 You know what I do, Kate?

00:24:20.640 I take a little sticker and I stick it on the bottom half of the thing.

00:24:23.620 And then I write down the date.

00:24:24.580 And I write the little date on there.

00:24:25.760 Oh my God.

00:24:27.120 I mean, that's a joke, but can you imagine?

00:24:29.140 I'm trying to think if I have anything, if I do that in any single area.

00:24:32.980 We have a little chore wheel.

00:24:34.540 And what we do is, you know, it's just like, it's, um.

00:24:37.500 It's never going to be me.

00:24:38.840 It's all of that stuff.

00:24:39.960 Is anyone doing it?

00:24:41.140 They must be.

00:24:42.600 I think.

00:24:43.120 I mean, some brains are capable.

00:24:45.360 I feel like I'm having the urge for you to free me right now.

00:24:48.560 Cause I'm like, yeah, you know, it's five o'clock and I already thought that I was going to get

00:24:52.020 writing done today. I haven't, but I'm fine. I did, you know, I, I, I tidied up the house.

00:24:56.480 I went grocery shopping. I went on a walk, you know, I'm, but I'm like defending the day in

00:25:01.540 your inner corner, defending the day, but I'm like, it can still, thank God it's still bright

00:25:04.740 out, but I can still do work. I can still like, I see your glow having turned the day around and

00:25:10.400 I'm like, I can still emerge from my office victorious that I was productive. I can still,

00:25:15.600 I can turn you around. You want to hear me do it? Yeah. OK, so you have to let go of the running start model. OK, you have to let go the feeling that that you have to have the runway, that you have to have the runway of a perfect morning to lead into the perfect productivity that you're looking to happen without with comfort. OK, this is huge. This is huge. Are you ready? And this is something that I learned in one sense from that book, The Van Gogh Blues, The Artist's Path Through Depression. OK. Yeah. Yeah.

00:25:40.760 it's like you know he he's talking about like not being too precious about you know your your

00:25:46.660 creative path and oh these things have to be like this for me to write and he's like you need to be

00:25:50.500 able and i think this is what he said this is at least how i remember you need to be like on a

00:25:53.620 bench i don't know why i remember this way i could be wrong but i remember it as like you need to be

00:25:57.360 like on a bench like eating a hot dog and there's like mustard on your fingers and like you still

00:26:02.280 can get down to it and write the idea in your journal painting with the mustard painting with

00:26:06.980 the journaling with the mustard you're saying just like with it stuck on your fingers not like

00:26:11.800 yeah I have to get the mustard off my hand if you wait for the perfect conditions you'll be

00:26:14.580 waiting forever of course yeah and the thrill and then also in another thing in that book how to

00:26:20.080 write a screenplay in 28 days or something 21 days I think Vicki King book I read in high school

00:26:25.760 you know she tells this story about having like diarrhea like being stuck on the toilet 0.78

00:26:31.020 knowing that she could use that as an excuse to like not get her writing done essentially

00:26:35.520 anyone else would accept it but like and it's just you know because i was thinking about this

00:26:40.440 the other day when i was working out i was thinking about like the whole like you're only

00:26:43.420 cheating yourself and how that is never convincing or appealing when it says you're only cheating 0.99

00:26:48.020 yourself it's like there's something about it that feels like annoying it's like no fuck you 0.99

00:26:52.800 i'm winning because now i'm relaxing and i'm not doing the sit-up so it's not quite that yeah it 0.96

00:26:56.880 doesn't work but it was this so that phrasing is too loaded but it's like i lost the thread but

00:27:02.480 the point is, what I have found is that there's a relief when you give up trying to make it

00:27:08.140 pleasant. Oh, I needed to hear that. Yeah. Okay. Just it's such a fucking relief because you just

00:27:19.100 go and every day I'm going to try to make it pleasant. It's never going to stop. Okay. That 0.98

00:27:22.180 instinct's never going to stop. I'm always going to be searching for ways to make it pain free.

00:27:25.940 Okay. But if you just right now it's five. Okay. Yes. You had visions for how the day would unfold,

00:27:30.940 blah blah blah okay and whatever if you did an hour of work you know on the task you don't want 1.00

00:27:37.340 to do yeah and you just sat down 10 minutes from now or when we get off okay just planted your ass 0.99

00:27:43.380 in a spot with a single you know cup of coffee whatever you need and did it yeah and and set 0.98

00:27:48.020 the timer try 20 minutes see how you feel i love you no no i have to be honest huge the hour as

00:27:54.940 someone whose, you know, brain is absolutely atrophied from ADD and phone addiction and all

00:28:01.700 of this only recently to differ. I see it. It's a glittering wonder still, but anyway, I'll let you

00:28:07.520 continue. I love you. But, but I, but I only recently realized that even just an hour feels

00:28:14.100 somehow doable that if I actually sit in the office and really do just works all day for an

00:28:18.820 hour, I'm like flooded with euphoria and I feel like I can do anything. Oh, I once went from being

00:28:23.860 literally on the floor i'm probably i don't know if i ever told this story on poop but i went from

00:28:28.360 literally being on the floor yeah sobbing and depression yeah to up at my up at my desk upright

00:28:34.840 in a spotless room i haven't reinvented time okay

00:28:38.800 and some would tell the room was spotless that helps

00:28:43.680 no i made it spotless that was the journey oh i'm sorry okay all right yes i got it so so from

00:28:51.520 lying in a pile on the floor sobbing okay to up right up at a now clean desk um working my way

00:28:58.220 through the problem of time and and you know one wonders was that did i go too high did i soar too

00:29:05.700 high okay but i don't have i not talked about this on on on poog the the post-its i just said post

00:29:12.240 it yeah but no but i i love what you're saying and you've helped me this is something in our

00:29:16.280 friendship that you've continually a theme that continues is you telling me to just like

00:29:20.840 except that um things aren't easy i don't know that it's like i can't create the pleasurable

00:29:28.160 experience i just love pleasure so much so do i though i don't want i don't want to be mistaken

00:29:32.400 because i i spend all my time trying to avoid pain yeah yeah that's why i know this so well

00:29:37.580 you know what i mean like i i make no mistake i give advice i struggle to follow the writing in

00:29:43.280 the morning light and that's why because there was a time even on pook not so long ago that i

00:29:46.780 was doing this like mornings right i was like it's all the morning and i was waking up in the

00:29:50.140 morning light on my face writing. And that was glorious. And it doesn't mean I can't continue

00:29:54.180 that again, but I can't abuse myself for having let go of that schedule. And I can still have

00:29:59.820 a great evening. I already have a bath plan. My bath is going to be my treat after I work for an

00:30:07.420 hour. God, if only there was a way to realize the work as the treat. Well, I realized I'm actually

00:30:16.060 having a lot less dread historic like right now for whatever reason I'm having it's still so hard

00:30:21.500 but I'm having so much less dread than I've had in the past toward doing this and guess what you

00:30:28.000 can think in the bathtub which I realized the other day I was in the tub and I was like wait

00:30:32.940 I can think about ideas in here you can choose what you're gonna think about yeah yeah it is

00:30:43.120 frustrating when you can't write it down but yeah well I have a little I have a little notepad in

00:30:47.820 our shower waterproof that sticks against the wall it's called I forget what it's called but

00:30:52.740 it's the little tagline is no bad ideas down the drain genius I know simply genius it's a charmer 0.98

00:31:00.620 but you know I just I I pitch this this taskmaster shit at you because I berate myself with it 0.96

00:31:06.800 throughout the day so I don't want you to suffer at the very hands of but I actually mean there is 0.97

00:31:11.260 Cause I'm, I'm not one of these life's hot kid. I do believe, you know, so it's like,

00:31:16.600 no, it's a deep relief. What you're saying is a deep relief. There's a way in where you can go

00:31:22.200 like sometimes like, like the one thing that will get me past my own avoidance

00:31:26.700 is like this kind of furious, uh, put upon kind of anger. Yeah. Well, I guess I'll just have to

00:31:34.120 show them how it's done then or something. I don't know. I'm not really sure what it is,

00:31:37.780 but it's like it's like I guess it's gonna fucking suck let's do it you know what I mean yes and then 0.92

00:31:43.600 like in I go with a kind of rage I mean this is this I guess how people get to do the rage I don't 0.92

00:31:49.400 know I don't know the answers aren't there and and every day we we are new you know I know it's true

00:31:57.340 I mean that's that's the the revelations only last they're so brief well they're brief and

00:32:04.640 there's i mean i hate to say it i hate what i'm about to say are you ready i hate it so much

00:32:08.280 you know the revelations are great but they're not action okay i know and no no more what was

00:32:14.740 my this is a while ago i was like no more epiphanies yeah no more epiphanies yeah because

00:32:19.000 you and me we get we get ecstasy cling to the epiphany yeah we get ecstasy and epiphany and

00:32:25.800 i mean and that's why i think you and me on the c bobs so revelatory meanwhile we were trying to

00:32:32.620 have epiphanies during i mean not trying we were we were that's the thing when action takes over

00:32:38.200 okay that's one thing the c bob those moments when you're trying to when a moment is so

00:32:43.380 perversely spectacular that you're like trying to instantly it's like the epiphany has to

00:32:49.600 that was a moment in my life that i'll remember forever and it was this moment of like i've never

00:32:54.220 been more free i'm in the ocean with you i feel it was like it was a dream state it was utterly

00:33:01.300 surreal it was like full integration it was psychotic and even as i'm barreling on the water

00:33:06.600 i'm going and what does this i'm still trying to locate meaning and i know oh because it's too

00:33:12.700 profound the imagery is too profound always i'm i'm always you know reaching for the pen inside

00:33:19.060 of my um water vest or whatever you know inside of my flotation device it's it's and we were at

00:33:23.940 each other screaming be like this is that right like we were like yeah but we weren't completely

00:33:28.420 to our credit we were in the we were present we were present we stayed present i have to say

00:33:33.040 like we were no we were absolutely present like we kept diving back under the water we couldn't

00:33:38.820 we couldn't i actually could cry how much i want to go back well i just and then we become locked

00:33:43.620 in you see like even we're even us we're fools okay because we become locked in on cbobs like

00:33:48.380 literally the device itself i know okay the motorized unit i became convinced was the only

00:33:54.440 pathway the revelation is what we need and this is how people yeah and this is how people chase

00:33:58.540 you know chase things and that's that's fine we're we're found and it is what it is but the

00:34:04.060 being in the water with you diving under and over okay soaring bouncing along the simplicity of

00:34:11.860 speeding the thing up I mean I even in my own you know way I mean I believe I mentioned this but my

00:34:17.760 past life memories during that aren't that I don't necessarily believe are real but when I

00:34:21.520 zipped under the water the ship yeah i heard myself and sort of captain's voice say um we

00:34:28.700 didn't have a thing about bobs like this in my day yeah yeah like this would have been useful

00:34:33.560 like fishing johnny out of the out of the depths you know the barracuda was in my dream the other

00:34:39.260 night i just remember are you serious i almost sent you another picture of a barracuda for those

00:34:43.480 who didn't listen to the episode we came across a barracuda and then later learned that we had

00:34:47.800 been eerily close to having our faces lashed off by by a barracuda lashings last sustained

00:34:55.720 lacerations from a barracuda sustained i just think like there's something about being lashed

00:35:06.020 by something soft and that being violent like so not a tooth right not a not a barracuda's jaw right

00:35:12.620 but like the the violence of being lashed by the tail of a fish for example yeah yeah it's funny

00:35:17.600 the face sliced open by the tail of a fish yeah yeah just just just softness i've never had ocean

00:35:25.720 plus speed equaling violence i've never had such an experience of the ocean as that and i have

00:35:31.000 wait like if you were cut by the hem of a woman's skirt you know yeah as you shuffled by wait

00:35:36.560 jacqueline i'm sure you talked about in the podcast but i just cannot remember did you talk about the

00:35:40.420 shells i'm not sure because that's and by the way i just came across it again it's huge my shell is

00:35:46.000 on my desk prominent display as like an ultra object to my subconscious and we were if if we

00:35:51.880 did i don't care okay we're gonna tell it again we'll tell it quicker this time yeah we'll tell

00:35:55.120 quicker but this is yeah if you've heard it just fast we're snorkeling together in the crystal

00:36:00.420 clear waters crystal clear the sand is very clear i spot what looks like just the most classic sort

00:36:06.680 of campbell soup if they had a sea-based variety noodle okay classic shell classic you expect the

00:36:13.880 kind of conch type i guess yeah and down i go and i grab it describe the size though and even

00:36:22.100 resting inside of it the size it's actually quite small it's only probably two inches yeah just for

00:36:27.200 the perfect yeah um in case anyone's listening and uh and there's a tiny shell log through that

00:36:35.400 but i i spot it i grab it and i show kate okay we surface every couple of moments we're at the

00:36:41.440 surface bobbing yeah you know bobbing and i go look okay and i see kate kate recognize its beauty

00:36:47.560 sort of in an in a just pure manner first and then i see you know i guess i don't know greed 0.87

00:36:52.980 ego lust um covet covetous energy i see the human come you know fly up within her animate within her

00:37:01.400 and down she goes okay and i go what's going on okay and i know what's going on but i dive under

00:37:06.520 to watch the show and kate is shopping kate is scouring the sand unharmonious lust just

00:37:16.540 digging through the white sand there where's my shell where's my shell i must find it and find

00:37:21.940 one as good and yes of course and i'm not kidding i pushed a fish out of the way there was this

00:37:26.860 moment where i was like looking and there was like i i maybe i almost did i don't think my

00:37:31.780 hand actually made contact with a fish but i yeah practically like like shoot away because i i

00:37:39.300 wanted i need a token i became so overwhelmed because i attached so much meaning to this trip 0.91

00:37:43.960 to snorkeling to me snorkeling and i was like if i don't get one of these goddamn shells to take

00:37:48.200 home and remind me of this experience then the experience will dissolve instantly right i found 0.81

00:37:53.780 a shell folks just kind of telling you found the shell and it does sit on my desk as a you know

00:37:57.980 as a token to my lust i guess mine's sitting there and i almost sent a picture of it

00:38:03.000 but there was this sort of moment of i mean i love moments where you and a friend there was

00:38:09.320 something else about it too there was something else you know what i mean there's like a two

00:38:12.300 there's something more about me shopping there's something else that happened

00:38:14.700 was it like well was there a moment where you tried to shake it rattle it from my fist and

00:38:21.240 into your own i may have a snatching problem it's an only child thing oh right like did i feel your

00:38:29.220 hand was there a moment where excuse but did i grab it there was something else that happened

00:38:35.240 that was outrageous i mean i just i saw your rabid you saw like lust and i thought and then

00:38:41.800 i think the night came in again where i started to try to find you one myself so sweet yeah okay

00:38:47.480 the night was gonna deliver oh my god jack i'm actually remembering how sweet you were about it

00:38:51.100 Cause you were like, you'll find one, you'll find one.

00:38:52.520 And I was like, yeah, I'm sure you were soothing me in this way.

00:38:55.860 It's outrageous.

00:38:56.820 I know because, but I was trying to maintain the boundaries of not,

00:38:59.340 cause I can go the other way, which is to immediately dump it on you.

00:39:03.520 Yeah.

00:39:04.420 Like take mine, take mine. 0.97

00:39:06.240 Right. 0.99

00:39:06.480 Right.

00:39:06.740 Which I never would have taken it.

00:39:07.800 You have to, you have to know.

00:39:09.380 Yeah.

00:39:10.220 Unless it was so clear that like I had no need for it.

00:39:15.000 Yeah.

00:39:15.360 If it was, if it was truly meaningless to you, but.

00:39:17.980 And I truly didn't want it, et cetera.

00:39:20.700 etc well there was a time it reminds me of an act of utter selflessness like i think one of the true

00:39:26.780 acts of utter selflessness okay so you know um like a taco salad when it comes in the fried

00:39:31.760 tortilla bowl shell of course so me and my my oldest dearest friend growing up when we were

00:39:38.380 like 12 we get dropped off at the mall uh or we you know gets get to go away from one of our

00:39:43.880 mothers and wander them all ourselves for a few hours and we would go to this at the food cart

00:39:49.100 we go to zapatos okay and um and get the taco salad and you know it was just we like were we

00:39:56.420 just looked forward to this taco salad all the time this is the only place where we had the

00:40:01.180 fried tortilla shell bowl yeah which i mean you know is very exciting okay now oh yeah i know

00:40:06.080 there's a lot of you know maybe in california you know you were having them every day okay

00:40:09.720 but this mall food court restaurant so we would get it and it just i mean it had everything you

00:40:17.240 know the beans the cheese the lettuce the everything you could want the guacamole the

00:40:21.860 salsa I mean okay in that delicious and it was a really good one the shell and so we'd take it

00:40:26.920 and we'd eat it and like this is pure intensity like we just like eat it eat it eat it and I

00:40:31.460 remember like we got that like savor every bite and we get down to the final bit and I would eat

00:40:36.920 like faster most likely and my friend got down to where she had like this one perfect 1.00

00:40:40.780 like ripped off piece like perfect fried ripped off piece of the side that had like some lettuce 1.00

00:40:47.620 some beans like just the perfect thing yeah and it was almost like it was the last bite

00:40:52.600 and she just said have it wait hang on you were sharing a salad no she took i had finished mine

00:41:00.640 and she somehow she just decided she knew that it would be so outrageous right it would be so

00:41:08.740 outrageous that she was actually able to get the joy of taking me from believing that I had no more

00:41:15.440 yeah beautiful and knowing that the joy I would get would be to be brought from the depth of I

00:41:24.600 have no more taco salad left to there's a bite ahead of me yeah that emotional leap would be

00:41:29.720 so much bigger than even just her just getting her final bite which who cares beautiful pure pure

00:41:36.440 pure love the other night tacos and salad i was eating okay a delivery with chris and i thought

00:41:44.820 we had both dumped our tacos like onto the salad in this way and so and then we're just eating the

00:41:49.180 salads because we're watching something yeah yum yum yum we both finish our salads at the same

00:41:52.860 time i close up my box and then what do i see he just sort of like sets his salad aside and like

00:41:58.020 out of nowhere comes produces a taco the original box with with the two tacos and i was like you 0.98

00:42:03.860 bastard i was like you bastard you know like like i thought we were on the same the same track 0.98

00:42:11.620 and you're actually just heading into the best part of the meal yeah so what happened nothing 0.99

00:42:17.700 i just noted it and um and and said i better pay more i better pay more careful attention

00:42:22.120 you know if i want to not experience the jealousy

00:42:26.220 this is rider strong and i have a new podcast called the red weather

00:42:33.300 It was many and many a year ago in a kingdom by the sea.

00:42:39.260 In 1995, my neighbor, Anna Trainor, disappeared from a commune.

00:42:42.980 It was hard to wrap your head around.

00:42:44.320 It was nature and trees and praying and drugs.

00:42:47.940 So no, I am not your guru.

00:42:51.720 And back then, I lied to my parents.

00:42:54.360 I lied to police.

00:42:55.620 I lied to everybody.

00:42:56.620 There were years right where I could not say your name.

00:42:59.580 I've decided to go back to my hometown in Northern California,

00:43:02.020 to interview my friends, family, talk to police, journalists, whomever I can to try to find out

00:43:07.000 what actually happened. Isn't it a little bit weird that they obsess over hippies in the woods

00:43:11.360 and not the obvious boyfriend? They have had this case for 30 years. I'll teach you sons of

00:43:17.020 to come around here and my wife. Boom, boom. This is The Red Weather. Listen to The Red Weather 1.00

00:43:24.500 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:43:32.020 the coolest cat in country music.

00:43:34.120 He is edgy. He's fun.

00:43:35.940 He is Chase Matthews. Keith Urban

00:43:37.840 helped make him a global sensation last

00:43:39.880 year, but it's his recent number one hit

00:43:41.620 darling to put Chase on the map and

00:43:43.780 launched a fun and difficult

00:43:45.580 conversation about lovers who cheat

00:43:47.600 and lie. That's why I'm scared to get married. 0.53

00:43:49.820 You're giving me trust issues, brother. Crook and

00:43:51.720 Chase Nashville chats with Chase Matthews.

00:43:54.100 Listen and subscribe on the iHeartRadio

00:43:55.960 app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

00:43:57.800 you listen to podcasts.

00:43:59.120 hello it's me anna sinfield from the girlfriends the number one hit true crime show that puts women

00:44:07.400 right in the center of their own stories i'm back with more one-off interviews with some

00:44:13.420 truly kick-ass women on the girlfriends spotlight i want to introduce you to sylvia i'm going to 1.00

00:44:20.960 And then there's Vassaka. 0.58

00:44:28.720 Leila dared to ask the question.

00:44:33.260 And finally, we'll meet Rosamund.

00:44:41.240 You'll even get to meet my mum in that one,

00:44:42.880 who I can always count on to keep my feet on the ground.

00:44:45.920 I'm not too intimidated by her.

00:44:47.320 What are you talking about? 1.00

00:44:48.280 Listen to the Girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeartRadio app, 1.00

00:44:53.700 Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

00:45:05.280 Okay, I have two things.

00:45:06.620 This is pivoting way off completely.

00:45:08.160 And I want to talk about when you thought you were going to die on the plane

00:45:10.480 because I have something to say about that.

00:45:11.760 Wait, remind me.

00:45:12.460 I don't remember.

00:45:13.980 Well, because I never got to tell you.

00:45:16.100 Oh, let's talk about this.

00:45:17.660 this was you'll remember the other thing so was i on a plane too no you texted me from a plane

00:45:24.100 okay and you said to me something like new york yeah you said to me something like um the

00:45:28.640 electricity has just gone out on half the plane they said it has something to do with the engines

00:45:32.460 okay i have something to say here i have something to say here just for context

00:45:35.660 don't reveal the truth though i won't i haven't okay i have a united airlines flight credit which

00:45:41.740 is of course hell on earth so i've been texting jacqueline so i bought a united flight whatever

00:45:46.920 I had to cancel it because of COVID stuff. I have this credit for United that I'm begrudgingly like,

00:45:51.140 I have to spend this. I haven't been on a United plane in 4,000 years. And I was instantly gutted

00:45:58.260 by the quality of life on the United plane. And I have to say like the first time.

00:46:02.800 What did I tell you?

00:46:03.940 You said never.

00:46:04.560 Because you texted me.

00:46:05.420 Yeah. I was like, I texted you from coach and I was like, I'm in United Airlines.

00:46:12.100 and i told you because i always thought it was bullshit okay united is the first time i realized

00:46:17.720 that what plane brand you're on matters is real i know i was like get me to delta i was shocked 0.64

00:46:23.720 when i went on united flight once i i couldn't believe it it was and by the way my the plane

00:46:29.060 was an old plane which i know all airlines have that but this was so even a delta main cabin

00:46:35.640 experience yeah is way above this and by the way I spent a little extra to be in like an ILC it was

00:46:44.220 like economy plus and I said what's the plus folks because I can't locate it at all locate anything

00:46:49.380 that could be worse yeah and there were these other factors with the flight like I was sitting

00:46:52.940 there it was like it was like a plane full of like outcasts it was like everyone was like

00:47:00.400 having the worst year of like the first day of their life yeah just shuttle the hell yeah it

00:47:08.140 was a shuttle to the island of the misfit it was like every every thing that you would hate like

00:47:12.640 every like kind of fellow passenger doing the activity and oh wow right this always happens

00:47:18.020 when you're on an aisle and people are unaware of like take your backpack off put it to the front

00:47:22.920 of your body you're slamming people's heads like that kept happening also i was going to say swinging

00:47:27.520 it around on both legs of this united journey the flight attendants multiply multiple times

00:47:33.600 like bumped into me and other like i saw it happening like them like knocking the cart like

00:47:38.320 have you ever had your body knocked by a delta cart absolutely not we all know to keep the

00:47:44.160 elbows in something else was happening anyway yeah the flight it was horrifying and every kind of

00:47:49.380 like it was just the strangest group okay anyway i text you no i'm just taking it all in so i just

00:47:55.940 i was i've always assumed that any big flight oh my god what just another detail i don't want to

00:48:01.620 forget is that mid-air at one point i had to pee so bad okay i was avoiding the bathroom because

00:48:08.680 i went into it once and it was a literal flush like from the 80s like an old flush the plane

00:48:14.160 was so old i was shocked it reeked of piss like an actual like oh versus what a button or whatever

00:48:19.280 like at a home toilet yeah versus a button versus it was like an actual lever you i was like open

00:48:25.340 the toilet you just see a gas straight to san francisco below i was completely aghast so i had

00:48:32.400 to pee i get up this guy goes in in front of me and he's in there for so long where i said well 0.56

00:48:38.080 i am not going in there and i really had to pee not going into his hell throne so i was close to 0.51

00:48:44.600 the first class can you believe this oh my god so there's a curtain at this point i hate united so

00:48:48.280 much there's a curtain separating main cabin from first class i boldly push the curtain aside

00:48:54.400 incredible and do a straight catwalk i see that it's open to the first class bathroom i go in

00:48:59.720 there well you know that you can't go up there you gotta act like you belong it is it is better

00:49:04.220 yeah i act yeah exactly pissed you have to look you have to look like you're someone that

00:49:12.300 accidentally got rerouted like back like someone's pushed you through the curtain you fell

00:49:16.680 you fell you tumbled through the curtain back into coach and now you're rightfully reclaiming

00:49:20.440 your place in first well also because i was like oh this is how because if somebody said because

00:49:25.180 because in my mind i went okay so a fly attendant says hi you really can't use this bathroom i go

00:49:29.780 okay like what's the worst thing that's going to happen do you know what i mean and like if i say

00:49:34.700 go oh i'm sorry i i didn't realize the bathrooms were actually no no i wouldn't even say that i'd

00:49:39.540 be like i it was an emergency i already had my head i go it's an emergency which is so disgusting

00:49:44.320 because that only conjures like diarrhea but oh it was your emergency it was an emergency and i

00:49:51.220 figured which would you rather me do but my that kind of gall only came from my anger toward united

00:49:59.960 okay going back to me texting you so you text and i'm like well a couple things you're like

00:50:05.780 so the electricity has gone off on half the plane yeah we're sitting by the sorry this is when we're

00:50:11.560 sitting we're on the we're on the jet weight going to leave well this is never experienced

00:50:15.100 this i've never experienced this this on a plane everything powered off the airflow stopped the

00:50:20.680 light stopped on one side and on the entire plane the most eerie silence and i'm going and it's

00:50:27.100 actually less scary to me weirdly than than if it were half but anyway go on it was i see what

00:50:31.140 you're saying but it was scary because it was like the airflow stopped that it was suddenly

00:50:34.140 getting so hot and i'm going where's our pilot i'm expecting an immediate or a flight attendant

00:50:40.960 coming out hey folks sorry we had to turn something off it'll be on we are left there to die yeah to

00:50:46.900 choke on fear i could not believe it and i was like this is unacceptable are you looking around

00:50:52.020 going how am i getting out just no one just nothing just no one and then after a couple

00:50:57.660 minutes it was brief but not so brief that i didn't expect an announcement everything comes

00:51:02.200 back the pilot comes on and goes hey folks um we're having an electricity issue with the plane

00:51:06.660 somebody's going to come fix it up we don't expect that much of a delay and then i start to go should

00:51:11.740 i get off oh never actually did i really entertain that but i was just nervous and i'm not a nervous

00:51:18.840 flyer what i experienced okay here's what i experienced you say you know i'm on the plane

00:51:23.800 whatever and you say the thing's turned off and okay you're like am i dead am i dead okay whatever

00:51:28.440 right and i was like i was like i think you're fine okay i thought you were in the air

00:51:33.500 Jacqueline what we've never acknowledged I know there was never time there's always too much to

00:51:38.720 talk about wait wait wait Jacqueline what you know I can't text from the plane my phone won't let me

00:51:43.280 it's an eternal struggle no I just I didn't I believed you were like maybe on your computer

00:51:47.840 through the wi-fi whatever okay I just assumed like because that's why I assumed that you were 0.69

00:51:53.060 afraid and seeking comfort because you're in the air and something fucked up's happening

00:51:57.220 terrifying that's really scary and you're like you're saying it's something with the engines 0.83

00:52:00.900 and I'm like were you scared for me Jacqueline a little bit okay at first I can't believe we

00:52:05.420 haven't talked about this is unreal but you know I mean this is what's so disturbing this is why

00:52:12.160 everything is terrifying in life because what am I going to do in that moment I'm going to say you

00:52:17.040 should be afraid you should you should jump out the side yeah I love you no matter what happens

00:52:21.240 yeah yeah it's like it's like start saying your goodbyes yeah it's not it's not and so it pretty

00:52:27.440 quickly you you clarified that you were still on the ground at which point I had to decide whether

00:52:32.220 to tell you to you know run for your life okay but then you shared with me and it really made

00:52:38.720 me laugh and it was I've thought about it ever since you shared with me the panic texts you sent

00:52:43.460 your mother in which I'm gonna I'm gonna deliver I'm gonna deliver the quote I screen grabbed and

00:52:47.640 sent to you okay great because you're the you're like the exact audience for it was the only person

00:52:52.020 I could say you're like there's like some issue with the plane you know almost like if it goes

00:52:56.020 down or like just want to say and then just you've been extraordinary to your mother do you have the

00:53:03.980 yeah like what did I actually say oh you definitely said like you definitely the words

00:53:08.360 like I just want you to know whatever but you've been extraordinary yeah not you were extraordinary

00:53:14.320 not you know you are extraordinary just you've been like it's this it leaves just enough space

00:53:20.300 for the fact that like there was there's something about the you've been yeah it is so perfectly

00:53:25.980 located inside of one at the moment of one's death yeah like you have been and and are yeah

00:53:32.300 and just you've been extraordinary saying that to your mother it's like it's almost like a maternal

00:53:37.500 sentiment like totally it's like in that moment by virtue of your proximity to death

00:53:42.480 yours being you're more proximal to death than your mother you take on a kind of wise grace

00:53:48.640 right totally yeah to be able to call your mother and how she has been extraordinary

00:53:55.360 yeah it was amazing and I was all I was sort of um I was removed and impressed by

00:54:02.100 by the calm in that yeah there's just something really like beautiful about saying extraordinary

00:54:10.380 and I know what it means like from you and about your mother and I know the whole like the whole

00:54:15.880 of what it means I see an elderly wise Kate that is grizzled okay a dog with gray hair okay yeah

00:54:26.960 okay and I see it you an old wolf woman you know what I mean and um yet it was coming out of you

00:54:34.120 as a very young woman towards you know an older woman in this moment where you by virtue of

00:54:40.140 just neuroses believe you're at death, but you're not, you weren't seeking her to make you feel

00:54:46.600 anything. You were actually literally giving to her. Yeah. Wow. I mean, that's what I got out of

00:54:53.500 it. I did not, I really, you transcended your own fear there. I love you. Wow. Thank you. Yeah. You

00:54:59.020 know, thank you. And my, my mom of course immediately responded like, stop. Yeah. Like 0.95

00:55:05.260 where she was like baby no yeah like telling me not to yeah um which makes sense then i but then

00:55:11.760 she of course was like you know she eventually was like they're not gonna fly if it's not safe

00:55:15.860 i was like right of course of course of course and i think it's better when they note an issue

00:55:19.500 on the ground because get you know when you know when the issues happen when they zipped off yes

00:55:25.580 it is folks i don't want to be flying over iowa when they go so the engines are down yeah because

00:55:31.360 they zipped off believing everything was okay someone's looking out if they if they clock an

00:55:35.500 issue on the ground i say you know the most dangerous moments of flying are i think the

00:55:39.120 first five minutes or that's when things are likely to go south if they're going to go south

00:55:43.560 and so i had a little bit of like the anxiety wasn't even that bad but we got up there and then

00:55:49.480 i was i had was i was i was grateful that i was alive and the plane was working so the hell of

00:55:54.700 united somehow sunk a little into the background and i will say this one leg of the united flight

00:55:59.980 was pure so the way there was the horrifying what no i remember what you did you worked wait i don't

00:56:08.820 for the first time in your life okay okay so this is huge on the way on the outbound united flight

00:56:13.760 i was horrified by everyone around me and people are being wheeled on in like full body casts

00:56:17.900 i remember i told you i told you um i told you you can still achieve a kind of ecstasy

00:56:24.180 in a coach seat i like i like i told you i was like it's possible like you're gonna get your

00:56:29.320 coffee like no exactly it was so I could not believe the people that were being brought on

00:56:36.600 this flight and everyone like screaming it was just it was the craziest thing in the world

00:56:39.760 it was right it was it was the bassoon the you know it was a full brass brand full brass and

00:56:45.420 the flight hands not knocking into knocking into us yeah yeah it was it was outrageous and so then

00:56:50.720 I go I'm going to turn this around I'm going to work and for the first time I'm not exaggerating

00:56:54.980 here for the first time in my life i actually wrote on a plane and i wrote for hours somehow

00:56:59.400 like the hours went away it was astonishing so way back newer united flight still annoyed still

00:57:05.140 like what part of this is premium plus what did i pay the extra 60 for or whatever i'm furious

00:57:10.900 i am moved and i will give this to united by the film selection wow it was a newer plane the old

00:57:18.040 plane by the way had a screen from the 80s that was like trapped on um it was like yeah yeah like

00:57:25.920 it just wouldn't work yeah and i but also i didn't even want it to work because it was only

00:57:29.340 offering like one movie from 1904 it was like it was you know they're like only playing the great

00:57:33.720 dictator or something it was insane and so on the way back newer plane screens moved by the film

00:57:41.640 selection right wait what did i watch i watched the anthony bourdain doc right and you were like

00:57:45.840 Then I watched something strange.

00:57:47.260 What was it?

00:57:47.540 Oh, then I watched Charlie's Angels.

00:57:50.220 But no, no, that's not true.

00:57:51.960 Yeah, when you find something you want.

00:57:53.640 I mean, it's how I discovered the 911 programming, of course.

00:57:56.620 I couldn't believe the selection on United, I have to say.

00:57:59.220 But the containment, I will say for Coach,

00:58:02.400 there's a kind of ecstasy in just how close you are to other people,

00:58:06.220 and yet you thus have to define your space merely through your focus alone.

00:58:12.320 Yeah.

00:58:13.300 You have to define your space.

00:58:14.420 So that's where writing, working on a plane, you know, in the smallest United seat, you

00:58:20.680 have your tray.

00:58:21.540 It's like you have so little, but then you get to enjoy it and you get to savor it like

00:58:25.140 a single cracker.

00:58:26.140 And often there is literally a single cracker.

00:58:29.860 You know what I mean?

00:58:30.780 Like there's a weird kind of pleasure in not being able to move your elbows, but making

00:58:36.280 it work.

00:58:36.700 Like that's why the coffee becomes so valuable.

00:58:39.260 Like, oh, they came around.

00:58:40.560 never drink plain coffee but I had a plain coffee on the United flight as I landed and it was rat

00:58:46.460 piss but it was but I could enjoy it because I had worked you know and that's the thing it's like

00:58:53.040 there is no substitute for when you're finally facing the thing you're putting on like cream

00:58:57.980 and sugar it's such a cream and sugar scenario I mean and I say I had a little cream in a packet

00:59:03.100 yeah and I'll say I'll say um sometimes I'll do a little cream it's like I don't know there's

00:59:07.300 something that just feels very 1980s about about drinking a little coffee in a pleasurable way

00:59:12.940 you know i'm a businesswoman of the 1980s of course i'm gonna drink like small coffee

00:59:18.280 and have my horrible coffee breath i'm landing in new york yeah yeah you know i'm a woman of

00:59:24.940 the 90s now and and and i'm doing a bit of yeah it's fun to be a hag in that way god you know

00:59:32.260 you've been extraordinary be interesting to know you at 99 oh my well often thinking about you

00:59:43.140 yeah and i always assume i knock no wood i i make i assume there's no reason to knock wood

00:59:50.740 there's no like we don't have to make constant accounts for the fact that death may strike at

00:59:54.520 any moment right so i will continue to speak of us at 95 i mean can you imagine oh well obviously

01:00:01.800 as i've said thinking about being old and you being old thinking about friendship sustains

01:00:06.840 it allows it's it's the true it brings me great comfort yeah to think about being old and knowing

01:00:14.480 you okay so i'll pivot wildly into the final section something i prepared today to eat as

01:00:21.480 as we all want to say that as we all know i took months off social media i relapsed and i'm you

01:00:26.440 know i can say that yeah fully um scrolling if thumb is moving i would say it's a full relapse

01:00:32.160 yeah i would say because i'm i've i've had mornings waking up immediately looking at it

01:00:38.160 doing scrolling and continuous yes i i would i would i would call it a full relapse yeah

01:00:43.500 and in this relapse which by the way now i've since deleted and um going back to staying off

01:00:50.340 and i have to say one thing that was really hard that i missed was on the poof instagram reading

01:00:55.240 all the beautiful messages from from you people oh no you're gonna encourage them okay i mean

01:01:00.660 no but no but no but but but no but but truly but anyway the point is i mean encourage them to dm

01:01:06.260 which is like a hell space i mean i i say if you if you're something you need to communicate

01:01:11.180 email the email address located at the top dms are impossible to manage sure but no but the dms

01:01:18.180 dms are really hard to manage if you have something more pressing i'd bring it to the

01:01:21.120 to the gmail but anyway i was loving it and feeling very very happy include the words gift

01:01:26.960 in the subject and you might get ahead of the line oh but in my relapse i saw this thing which

01:01:31.980 maybe other people have seen which was like jennifer aniston ate this salad every day for

01:01:35.860 10 years which is of course a shocking lie and not possible i saw that courtney and jennifer

01:01:40.820 ate this salad every day of friends for 10 years i saw that it was that they both ate it was the

01:01:45.940 headline i saw what's in it okay so i was looking at it and i go that's good okay i made it i made

01:01:52.560 it twice i've made it twice today i made it again and i have to say it's really delicious and you

01:01:58.200 know what i really like about it it's just very filling if it's a squeeze of lemon as dressing

01:02:02.440 no no sweetheart absolutely not so here's what it is the recipe says quinoa or bulgur wheat i

01:02:09.720 enjoyed bulgur wheat personally funny i thought it was a salad no exactly so so it's a warm salad

01:02:14.960 you won't it's carb it's there are beans and grain in it hence it being filling yeah so

01:02:21.000 bulgur wheat right chickpeas right you chop up cucumber you chop up red onion you chop up

01:02:30.900 parsley just tabbouleh chop up mint we're in a tabbouleh landscape absolutely it's it's a tabbouleh

01:02:36.880 it's a tabbouleh profile completely the only difference is there are no tomatoes and there's

01:02:42.300 more what else I mean and then you add feta you add feta it was my first guess was feta

01:02:48.420 because everyone loves feta in the 90s so you had feta lemon juice olive oil tons of salt and

01:02:54.940 pepper it's delicious yeah you know what I how big though because like to me there's nothing in

01:03:00.880 there that takes up space the volumetrics are off for me no but the volume well you're not gonna

01:03:06.800 want to hear this but the volume is the cucumber and the chickpeas well I'll take it from the

01:03:10.800 But what I did is I made this giant one and then I ate part of it,

01:03:14.860 put the rest in the fridge.

01:03:16.680 I've never been able to do that.

01:03:18.600 I know.

01:03:19.080 Oh, and did I say walnuts?

01:03:20.220 I also added walnuts.

01:03:21.060 The recipe says pistachio, but I have to say I loved it.

01:03:24.880 And there's another thing that's very 80s slash 90s.

01:03:28.740 My mother eats this from time to time.

01:03:30.240 And I went over.

01:03:30.860 It felt like such regression.

01:03:32.200 I went to my parents' house to pick something up.

01:03:34.380 And it was like 11 a.m. and I was starving.

01:03:36.280 I hadn't eaten.

01:03:36.680 I was like, I'm hungry.

01:03:39.620 What's the thing that you eat? 0.63

01:03:40.480 She will do cottage cheese. 1.00

01:03:43.440 Do you eat cottage cheese?

01:03:44.560 I love cottage cheese.

01:03:46.640 It's heaven.

01:03:47.480 The smaller the curd, the better.

01:03:48.640 But yes, I love it.

01:03:49.720 I've been really scared.

01:03:50.900 I've been in this constant push-pull with dairy

01:03:52.840 of trying to avoid it, but why?

01:03:55.560 And I go, well, I know why.

01:03:56.580 And I go, but it brings me so much joy.

01:03:58.820 It's the candle.

01:04:00.260 Today I actually purchased cottage cheese,

01:04:03.100 grass-fed half and half,

01:04:04.720 because I realized I'm wanting coffee.

01:04:06.020 You're back.

01:04:06.540 I want half and half, okay?

01:04:07.940 I'm back.

01:04:08.300 I mean, I still have the coconut milk

01:04:09.420 And I bought more New Barn coconut milk because I was enjoying it so much for smoothies and whatnot.

01:04:14.160 Okay.

01:04:15.120 I bought cottage cheese.

01:04:16.900 I bought grass-fed half and half.

01:04:19.820 Because if you're going to do dairy, you really should try to do grass-fed.

01:04:23.200 Well, yeah.

01:04:24.000 I mean, what else are they eating?

01:04:25.240 Corn.

01:04:26.420 And then I bought some Greek yogurt.

01:04:29.460 But the point that I'm trying to say is that my mother does is she does cottage cheese with like a chopped up mango or like some kind of fruit, right?

01:04:38.240 Pineapple?

01:04:39.420 sure but more so like she'll do mango or she'll do apple or something but then 0.94

01:04:43.780 nuts almonds roasted almonds on top cinnamon she puts like some stevia on there or something but

01:04:50.080 the point is that i haven't purchased cottage cheese in my entire life that's kind of what

01:04:54.060 the moral of the story is and i did today cottage cheese is ecstasy and i'm really

01:04:57.020 in a small curd the small curd kind and it kept me full is that's the thing because i'm like it's

01:05:03.460 like this it's like this it's like okay i know that sound upsets some people okay there's something

01:05:08.740 i feel like a little salt you do a little salt on it oh wow i just couldn't believe that i was

01:05:13.800 actually satiated because so many breakfast items unless i'm eating eggs you know and like

01:05:19.680 another thing i love to do is i've been on a chart i've been on a charred revolution

01:05:25.860 charring what sorry charred like swiss chard swiss chard sauteed oh oh i thought you was

01:05:32.080 talking about a chard romaine swiss chard sauteed in a pan with tons of salt and pepper and um

01:05:39.780 lemon olive oil i guess i was raised with it being called chard chard i don't know it's this

01:05:45.660 chard then i fry some eggs and put them over the chard god it's it's like heavenly fried egg

01:05:51.140 well by the way an olive oil fried egg and what i'm talking about is a preferable to

01:05:57.560 butter for you uh yes actually and what i'm talking about also is when you take you have

01:06:02.500 to do this in a regular like stainless steel pan okay pour the olive oil in you crack the egg in

01:06:06.680 you walk away it screams the amount of bubbling well you don't walk away because you don't want

01:06:10.720 to burn the house down but you have to stand back because the oil is popping it's wild

01:06:14.700 and the the olive oil fries the egg in a way that is so wild and you kind of shift the pan

01:06:21.300 allow the oil to go over the top of the egg yes and it's just it's crispy heaven so i'll fry up

01:06:26.620 a couple of eggs in the olive oil, put it on top of the chard. And suddenly I'm in Tuscany. Yeah.

01:06:30.740 If you could only have an egg one way, I think it's over easy. If you could only have an egg

01:06:35.340 one way. Interesting. Right. For me, it's over medium forever. I really was going to say over,

01:06:39.240 I was going to say over medium, but the reason is because do you want any, any, any bright

01:06:45.880 yolk to run? Yes. And do you accept that as part of, do you think that's part of medium?

01:06:51.260 To me, ideally it is. I'm really glad we're having this conversation. Yes. My idea, the way I prepare,

01:06:55.620 yes there is some run absolutely it's maybe more but you're guaranteed that nowhere else is going

01:07:02.520 to be undercooked that's what you're that's why you order exactly so i cannot handle medium but

01:07:08.600 i've ordered over medium a couple times and gotten something where it's hard where it's yeah it's

01:07:12.560 basically hard and and so i i have to sort of split the difference and basically feel out the

01:07:17.820 chef okay but over easy over easy you have the gelatinous the gelatinous white you think

01:07:24.200 yeah i can't handle that yeah absolutely if there needs to be easy i know i'm sorry i'm

01:07:30.560 thinking oh my god guys sunny side up i'm thinking of sunny side up which is over easy

01:07:35.520 is when they is when you flip it and then you basically serve it right yeah okay i've lost

01:07:42.860 the thread i got news for you sunny side up to me and over i thought sunny side up was over easy

01:07:48.320 i guess i mean or i've been that's what i've been ordering i'm googling over easy egg i'm sorry

01:07:54.080 i'm googling versus over easy over easy is maybe actually more what i love which is

01:07:58.900 gently you turn it over just once so it cooks a little but it's still very that's heaven wait

01:08:04.500 yeah that is heaven oh wait hold on what's the difference between over easy and sunny side up

01:08:10.460 i'm sorry it's i need to hear it are you ready yeah okay to make a sunny side up egg with fully

01:08:17.160 cooked whites which is what we want right right we want the white fully cooked yeah dear god

01:08:23.680 right i don't want that we're not there for that right you can gently run you are i had to stop

01:08:27.700 yeah yeah through the whites to spread out the runnier part of the ew albumin or whatever

01:08:34.220 ew which is which is oh my god okay cook undisturbed until the white is set but not

01:08:41.180 rubbery and the yolk is still running one to two minutes okay so that's the dream of proper sunny

01:08:47.200 side up to help cook the top of the egg i okay is it gonna involve water you add a teaspoon of

01:08:53.120 water and a lid. Yep. This will change your life. The steam to cook the white. That will change.

01:08:57.480 Listen to me. I'm just excited. I'm not mad. No, I'm thrilled. That's the trick. And that changed

01:09:02.760 my life. And that's what I did for years. That's what I've always done for years until lately I've

01:09:07.000 been on the olive oil. Well, another way, are you ready? Another way to set the egg is to quote

01:09:10.720 baste it by spooning a little fat over the white during cooking. And that's where you're doing

01:09:14.940 what you're doing using the oil. But I want to just make that clear for everyone at home,

01:09:19.660 because everyone go try this it's shocking you crack the egg into the pan this is huge it's

01:09:25.120 cooking it's cooking then you take you can just eyeball this around a tablespoon sometimes two

01:09:30.820 tablespoons you put that into the pan not on top of the egg but like next to the pan right so it

01:09:35.640 creates steam you put the top on i am not kidding you it's going to cook perfect it's going to cook

01:09:40.920 perfectly you're going to shock your friends you're going to shock your family does okay

01:09:43.660 olive oil steam but that's no sorry you pour water it not oh you said all the non-olive oil

01:09:49.800 i'm so sorry oh my god what kind of person am i because i was about to raise the question

01:09:54.320 all right and then water it's water it's water which which sounds so repulsive like i'm gonna

01:09:59.440 put water in with the eggs and okay and then hold on i figured it out no it makes perfect sense now

01:10:04.780 what i'm imagining is a little is a little lid that covers your yolk okay and keeps it separate

01:10:09.840 from the this is me inventing that keeps it separate from the egg steaming the egg but if

01:10:14.300 you move fast enough in theory the white should cook way faster than the that's what happens and

01:10:18.520 you have the perfect running and i'm going to do it tomorrow morning i realized what over easy is

01:10:22.500 i'm pretty sure why to make an over once yeah okay but yeah yeah wait to make an over easy

01:10:29.380 fry the egg until the bottom has set use a spatula gently flip it and cook until the white is set

01:10:34.240 but the yolk is still fully running so basically if i'm served either of those options in a

01:10:38.100 restaurant i'm happy okay over easier over medium yeah same wait i didn't even get to over medium

01:10:42.820 over medium is just more time you just right but sunny side up versus over easy sunny side up is

01:10:49.940 scary no but kate this is what you're missing you need to listen to me okay listen to me very

01:10:55.080 closely okay sorry what i just read is that to do over to do sunny side up right you do the process

01:11:01.660 that you just described the one with the water that's the true sunny side up with a non-runny

01:11:07.860 white that's the ideal sunny side up well i don't see anyone doing that when i think of sunny side

01:11:14.020 up what i think of is a classic like diner egg where the top there isn't that cooked film it's

01:11:21.280 just pure hell it's pure amniotic fluid jiggling at 9 a.m i mean you don't mean clear you just mean

01:11:28.120 it's it's already cooked to the point of being white at least it's just not crispy or it's not

01:11:33.440 yes but it's just the jiggle i don't and i don't when you're when you cut into a sunny side up egg

01:11:39.200 and there's that gelatinous film that is completely unacceptable to me and i cannot tolerate it

01:11:45.560 similarly i cannot tolerate it in a poached egg that's why i just started recently um i started

01:11:51.160 with a poached egg i want close my eyes and pray and take a bite well i don't do that myself that's

01:11:56.200 if it's like i'll be like can you please poach the medium to heart okay all right we did it we

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Poog with Kate Berlant and Jacqueline Novak - May 03, 2022

You've Been Extraordinary

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