Under the Influence (with Jo Piazza) - Sunday Nice Things： Gratitudeology

00:00:00.000 Good morning. Happy Sunday, everyone. It is actually six in the morning and I am very

00:00:13.440 wide awake because I had a puking baby last night and there is nothing sadder than a puking

00:00:20.960 baby. I mean, it is gross and terrible to throw up and I forget that every time until

00:00:27.960 I'm doing it again. But for a baby, they just, they're so confused. They're like, I just learned

00:00:35.700 that food goes down my throat. Why is it coming up? Why is it going the other way? The world is

00:00:43.380 topsy-turvy. But I'm here and I'm awake and it's Sunday and I think it's going to be a really good

00:00:51.900 day. You know, besides that. Today I have a new podcast for you to try out. It is from one of my

00:01:00.400 longtime friends, Jamie Hess. I want to tell you a little bit about Jamie's story. Jamie often says

00:01:08.840 something that sticks with me. She says, I didn't wake up until I almost died. Jamie grew up what I

00:01:19.420 like to call pretty fancy. Her mom is a TV journalist. It's her mom is. OK, I'm just

00:01:26.000 going to say her mom's Joan London. OK, you're going to find that out in this episode anyway.

00:01:29.880 Her mom is Joan London. Joan hosted Good Morning America for almost two decades in the 80s

00:01:36.740 and 90s. And from the outside, when she was growing up, it seemed like Jamie had everything,

00:01:43.900 which made her feel even worse about the fact that inside she felt empty, stuck, and confused.

00:01:54.200 Jamie's mom's light shined so bright and Jamie felt like she would never be able to live up to it.

00:02:00.800 So she did what a lot of people in that situation do. She went the other way and she tried to escape

00:02:09.500 the pressure of being perfect by falling in with a rebellious crowd of friends, which eventually

00:02:15.280 led to drugs, and then to a very gnarly addiction in her twenties. I knew Jamie back then. That is

00:02:26.680 when we became friends. When I was an entertainment journalist and Jamie was working in PR, we ran

00:02:34.420 in the same circles, and from the outside, you would have no idea that her life was falling apart.

00:02:43.100 And that's, I mean, I think a lot of us know this too, that's what's more dangerous. The people who

00:02:49.800 look okay on the outside when no one knows that they're dying on the inside. Jamie got worse and

00:02:57.460 worse until things came to a crescendo, and she received what she calls the gift of desperation.

00:03:04.420 and she was finally willing to ask for help.

00:03:08.920 Once she got sober, Jamie realized that when you've seen the darkest depth

00:03:13.640 and almost lost everything, you gain a new perspective.

00:03:20.480 Jamie also says waking up, just waking up every day, is a gift.

00:03:27.280 And Jamie wants to pass that feeling on to others.

00:03:31.620 She's also a rad storyteller, and she has this new podcast where she is obsessed with telling the stories of people who have reached a pivot point that helped flip their perspective and change their lives just like she changed hers.

00:03:46.720 Jamie is now sharing these stories every week on her new show, The Gratitudology Podcast, which launched this week.

00:03:54.820 And on the very first episode, she shares her own story with intense vulnerability.

00:04:00.680 and with her is a voice that you might recognize, her mom, Joan London, who was there to witness it

00:04:09.900 all and was pivotal in helping Jamie find the redemption that she so desperately wanted.

00:04:18.480 Enjoy this episode of the Gratitudology podcast, and if you like it, give it a follow so you never

00:04:24.380 miss an episode. New episodes are released each Monday, and you can find it wherever you get your

00:04:28.800 podcasts. It's 1980 and Joan London is sitting in her apartment in the Lincoln Square area of

00:04:41.780 Manhattan. I was 30 years old and I'd only been in New York for a couple of years and I was still

00:04:47.080 like fresh and young and kind of unsure of myself. Joan was originally from Sacramento, California

00:04:53.880 and had moved to New York to accept the job on WABC, the local news station.

00:04:59.720 I started in California as a weather girl.

00:05:02.320 That's what they called us back then. 0.99

00:05:03.660 And that was way before women were ever getting any kind of significant television jobs.

00:05:10.680 So I was constantly trying to prove myself.

00:05:13.860 What Joan didn't know was this mission to prove herself was about to pay off.

00:05:23.880 I'll never forget, I picked up the phone, and it was my agent, and he said,

00:05:31.360 Joan, congratulations. You got the job. You're the new co-host of Good Morning America.

00:05:39.560 I hung up the phone. I was a little dumbfounded. I mean, to be honest, I was kind of scared shitless,

00:05:44.720 but I just kind of pulled myself together, and I looked in the mirror. 0.79

00:05:50.480 Joan took the moment to herself, using it as a chance to hype herself up.

00:05:54.960 You can do this, she told herself.

00:05:56.840 You've got this.

00:05:57.960 They hired you for a reason.

00:06:00.120 You are going to be waking up America every day.

00:06:05.300 Her pink lips pursed into a smile ear to ear.

00:06:08.720 She walked back to the phone to call her mother in California to tell her the good news when it rang again.

00:06:14.760 I mean, I figured it was my agent calling back to tell me something about the deal that he had forgotten to mention.

00:06:22.300 It wasn't her agent. It was her OB-GYN.

00:06:25.500 I almost couldn't believe my ears when I heard those words. 0.75

00:06:29.580 You're pregnant.

00:06:31.840 Joan gripped the receiver in her hand, a flood of emotions filling her body.

00:06:36.280 This is what she had wanted, right?

00:06:38.260 She and her husband had been trying to start a family, and now it was happening.

00:06:41.980 but the job. I knew it was going to be, you know, a challenge, but at that moment, I just made this

00:06:51.300 decision that I was going to figure out a way to make it work. You have to think about the time.

00:06:58.280 This was 40 years ago, and things were really different. No one had ever been pregnant on TV

00:07:06.160 as a news anchor. In fact, you couldn't even say the word breast, let alone talk about

00:07:11.820 breastfeeding. But Joan, not one to give up, convinced the executives at ABC to let her bring 0.99

00:07:18.720 in her new daughter as she started the job. Boy, having little baby Jamie at work, she was kind of

00:07:24.860 like the office mascot. I mean, I'd be, you know, interviewing a head of state and Jamie, meanwhile,

00:07:31.800 would be in the office playing with my assistant and the hair and makeup people. It wasn't unusual

00:07:37.520 for me to come off set. And as she got older, I might find her in the arms of Sammy Davis Jr. or

00:07:43.700 maybe chatting with Jim Henson. That's right. Jim Henson, as in the creator of the Muppets.

00:07:50.700 You can see this and the Sammy Davis Jr. photo on our podcast Instagram account. It's at

00:07:55.740 Gratitudology. Anyway, it was a pretty idyllic life, some might say, and Joan was quite the

00:08:01.380 role model. As women everywhere saw me, you know, making this work, having a baby at work with me,

00:08:07.840 I actually had women coming up to me in public restrooms, 1.00

00:08:11.260 thanking me for making it feel okay to be a working mom. You'd think with such an amazing 1.00

00:08:18.440 upbringing, this little girl would just rocket launch to her own successful life as she got 0.60

00:08:23.620 older. That she'd follow in her mom's footsteps and cruise through life, taking on all adversity

00:08:29.360 head-on, just like her pioneering mama. That's not exactly what happened. I don't think I really

00:08:37.900 understood what was going on. I just knew it wasn't good, and I was terrified. You see,

00:08:46.020 Joan would watch as the road that she had traveled hit a fork for her daughter,

00:08:50.540 and the different path she chose at that fork would nearly take her down. It almost took her

00:08:58.740 life. I'm familiar with that road because I am that daughter. My name is Jamie Hess and my journey

00:09:08.800 took me to some pretty dark places. Today, I believe that those who have seen the darkness

00:09:14.240 see the light that much brighter. I feel like I didn't fully wake up until I almost died and I

00:09:21.500 woke up all right. Today, I'm a media personality, wellness expert, TEDx and keynote speaker and

00:09:27.900 coach. And it all came from this deep sense of gratitude. Let's face it, when you almost lose

00:09:39.940 your life, just waking up every morning is a gift. I eventually built my empire brick by brick

00:09:55.600 using this perspective of deep gratitude as my foundation.

00:09:59.400 And it occurred to me that every other badass baller

00:10:02.380 I've ever met, entrepreneurs, celebrities, thought leaders,

00:10:06.260 they so often have a story of overcoming adversity

00:10:09.140 and how it ultimately led them to see life differently.

00:10:14.140 Quite simply, I believe that an attitude of gratitude

00:10:18.280 is the key to happiness.

00:10:22.920 That's why I'm traveling across the country

00:10:25.240 interviewing some of the most influential and successful people on the planet

00:10:28.960 and asking them one very important question.

00:10:33.280 Tell me that story.

00:10:36.380 We're going to go deep and find that moment where they turned pain into purpose,

00:10:41.580 fear into fuel, and how it spurred their success in all things afterwards.

00:10:46.760 You'll hear from some of the biggest names in pop culture,

00:10:49.820 the world of wellness, and the entrepreneurial landscape.

00:10:52.200 the stories they'll tell are not the same old stories you've heard a thousand times before

00:10:58.620 in fact buckle your seat belt it's gonna be a bumpy ride but any journey worth taking has

00:11:06.380 its bumps that just makes getting to the finish that much sweeter well on that note let's dive

00:11:14.140 in. Because on today's episode, I'm going first. Welcome to the Gratitudology Podcast.

00:11:44.140 Jamie was always a bit of a free spirit.

00:11:56.680 Okay, so back to the Good Morning America days and my mom's opinions when she got home from work one day only to find me with a new do. 0.99

00:12:05.020 I remember walking into the house and Jamie walked out of the bathroom with this bright pink foam just kind of bubbling on her head. 0.83

00:12:15.960 And I looked at her and said, please tell me that the color of that foam in no way resembles the color your hair is going to be.

00:12:24.380 Her response, your expectation for me to have a normal hair color is an unrealistic expectation of the 80s.

00:12:33.980 I figured this kid's got to become a lawyer. My mom was America's mom. She represented the

00:12:40.620 perfect working mother, as American as apple pie. Her daughter was not supposed to have pink hair 1.00

00:12:46.900 and piercings. Yes, I had my belly button, nose, and tongue pierced. No, I was supposed to follow 1.00

00:12:54.020 in her footsteps. And I tried. Here I am on Take Your Daughters to Work Day, interviewing my

00:13:00.780 favorite author at the time, Mary Higgins Clark. And the queen of suspense joins us this morning

00:13:06.420 and because it's take our daughters to work day and because she's a very, very big fan of Mary

00:13:11.100 Higgins Clark. My oldest daughter, Jamie, is my co-host for this part of the show this morning

00:13:15.880 for the interview. You ready to hear my sweet interview skills? I think I really nailed it,

00:13:20.040 guys. You say accuracy is very important in your books. How do you research ghosts?

00:13:24.740 But my mom was right about one thing. I was a mega fan of Mary Higgins Clark and many other

00:13:32.320 authors too. I was a bookworm escaping into the world on a page. This is because I was hiding.

00:13:39.400 I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere in the real world. I'd retreat into my room and read books or

00:13:44.360 write poetry. I'd blast Tori Amos and burn incense. I'd journal about feeling misunderstood and

00:13:49.800 wanting to find my place in the world. Looking back, I felt like everyone else just got the

00:13:54.600 handbook for life, and I didn't. I don't think this was such a unique feeling. I think lots of

00:13:59.740 young teens feel this way, but I think having a parent on TV who America admires and looks up to

00:14:05.800 so much, it kind of amplifies that feeling that you're supposed to be perfect. And because I just

00:14:11.760 didn't know how to do that, I ran the other way and I ran hard. As the bus stops in front of my

00:14:20.860 new school, I take a deep breath. The year is 1995. Waterfalls by TLC is one of the top songs

00:14:31.380 on the radio. Seinfeld was on everyone's TV and I was newly attending Greenwich High School.

00:14:40.380 Go Cardinals!

00:14:42.020 Oh, who am I kidding?

00:14:43.860 I had no interest in football.

00:14:46.440 My sights were set on something a little higher.

00:14:51.080 Literally.

00:14:52.600 You see, I had begged my parents to let me switch schools, and they let me.

00:14:57.620 Reluctantly.

00:14:59.060 My mom looks back on this time.

00:15:01.360 You talked me into going to public high school, and we had moved to Greenwich, Connecticut,

00:15:07.140 as I was divorcing your dad.

00:15:08.720 and you could sell ice cubes to Eskimos, 0.68

00:15:12.080 which is why I always thought

00:15:13.100 you were going to end up being a lawyer.

00:15:15.020 I had been at a private school

00:15:16.280 for the first 10 years of my life.

00:15:18.240 And looking back, I didn't really appreciate it

00:15:20.280 or the sacrifices my parents had made to send me there.

00:15:23.260 I think I was just too young to get it.

00:15:25.280 I just felt like this school is too stuffy and conservative

00:15:28.980 and couldn't all these people see I was a free spirit

00:15:31.200 who was deep and dark and twisty inside

00:15:32.840 and listened to Pink Floyd and was totally wild

00:15:34.660 and wore fishnets and Doc Martens

00:15:36.080 and had pink hair and was complex and moody

00:15:37.960 Yeah. So they finally let me switch to the much bigger and more liberal public high school.

00:15:47.040 Looking back, my mom also had another reason she felt like she acquiesced.

00:15:51.800 And let me be honest and raw. When you're a working mom and you're just trying to keep your head above water,

00:15:58.020 sometimes it's easier to say yes than to continue on the fight to say no.

00:16:03.940 and I think I did that a lot of times

00:16:06.440 and it got me into trouble, got you into trouble.

00:16:09.200 You came to Greenwich High School, you didn't know Seoul

00:16:11.520 and unfortunately, the first people you met

00:16:14.740 were like a bad crowd.

00:16:16.860 Okay, so let's talk about it.

00:16:19.320 So here I am in the student center

00:16:21.300 during my first week of school.

00:16:23.220 I get my tray of food at lunch

00:16:24.800 and look for a table to sit at

00:16:26.520 and then I see them. 0.94

00:16:30.320 Across the sea of jocks, geeks, cheerleaders and stoners

00:16:33.740 I see my people. Crazy color hair, piercings, and outfits I could only categorize as

00:16:40.560 90s raver style. I was immediately drawn to them, much like I had always been drawn to

00:16:45.500 anyone who had the courage to display their bold authenticity unapologetically.

00:16:51.460 I thought it was cool. So they take me in. So here I am, finally feeling accepted,

00:16:57.800 and I'm starting to vibe. So about a week later, I'm sitting at the lunchroom table with them,

00:17:02.040 these new friends of mine, when a girl grabs my hand and invites me outside with her and a group

00:17:07.560 of guys. I scurried out after them. They ducked behind a stone wall and pulled out cigarettes.

00:17:13.320 I took one and I pretended I knew what I was doing. I took a puff and a guy took out a stack

00:17:18.080 of flyers and started passing them out. He pressed one into my hand and winked at me.

00:17:24.300 See you there? I looked down at the crisp neon piece of paper in my hand. I immediately knew

00:17:31.020 what I was looking at. And I wanted in. So before I go any further, let me explain the 90s rave

00:17:38.400 scene. I remember hearing about raves on the ABC News show 2020. It's Friday night. Do you know

00:17:44.320 where your teenagers are? This could be the night your child ventures into a secretive and

00:17:49.060 potentially dangerous world, the world of the rave. Well, until now, few adults have seen what

00:17:55.080 goes on at a rave and the reasons will become apparent. So I heard that warning and while I'm

00:18:01.380 sure their intent was to incite fear, I was like, where do I sign up? It all started for me with

00:18:08.940 the attraction to the music, right? The counterculture, the escapism, that feeling of

00:18:13.140 belonging to a community. But I knew there were drugs there too. It wasn't like my parents hadn't

00:18:18.080 told me the drugs were bad. They had. But I wanted to escape the reality of living between my two

00:18:23.820 ears so badly that this felt like as good a vehicle as any, which is how I found myself

00:18:29.880 in some other teenager's vehicle on my way to my first rave. I was 15 years old.

00:18:38.280 In one way, that night was the beginning. In another, it was the end. It was the beginning

00:18:45.260 of an entirely new chapter that would come to change me, define me, give me so much life,

00:18:50.180 and almost bring me my death. It was the end of my innocence because that was the first time I did

00:18:57.880 a hard drug. That night I took ecstasy, which the kids today call Molly, but I remember taking the

00:19:03.320 drug. It's a pill. I sat down for a bit to enjoy the music. For a while I thought maybe it was a

00:19:08.500 dud, you know, because I didn't feel anything. Then it hit me. I leaned forward and I took a

00:19:16.680 deep breath and my entire world changed. In that moment, I felt escape. I felt happiness. I felt

00:19:25.680 bliss. I felt a deep connection to the music, to my friends, to life. We raved until dawn and then

00:19:32.860 hobbled home to sleep it off. And when I woke up, all I could think about was when it would happen

00:19:39.960 again. And therein lies the problem. I was always wired for more. There was nothing scarier than

00:19:47.780 the thought of coming down or letting the party end. And so I didn't. My vibe for the next several

00:19:55.040 years could be classified as my chasing a buzz era. But if I'm being honest, that's kind of

00:20:00.760 belittling it. These were serious drugs and I was on them all the time. So rave drugs at that time

00:20:07.000 included things like ecstasy, LSD, ketamine, crystal meth, and cocaine. I look back at my

00:20:12.860 teenage self now, and I just want to scoop her up and save her. But I wasn't ready to be saved,

00:20:19.500 and I was very good at hiding what I was doing. So you might be wondering,

00:20:24.220 why did my mom let me do this? Well, the short answer is she didn't. Well, not really anyway.

00:20:30.300 You would come to me and you'd say, can I go to a rave? And I said, what's a rave? And you told me

00:20:38.180 that it was kind of like going to a concert or going to a dance where there was live music. And

00:20:42.920 I thought, well, I went to dances when I was a teenager with live music. We didn't do anything

00:20:46.660 bad. So I said, okay. I had no idea what I was saying okay to. So keep in mind, this was the

00:20:52.040 90s. So it was before a lot of this stuff had become mainstream. So she just had no idea what

00:20:57.020 was happening. But also, she couldn't have guessed how deep I was in trouble, because on the outside,

00:21:01.980 I did a really good job of keeping it together. In fact, I was a nationally competitive athlete.

00:21:08.220 I had been a horseback rider since the age of seven. My first pony, Buddy, was my first love,

00:21:14.160 and it just rolled on from there. I won the National Pony Finals in 1991 and the Children's

00:21:19.380 Jumper Finals in 1994. By the time I was well into my teens, I was a serious competitor. Check

00:21:25.780 out a picture of this time on Instagram at Gratitudeology. In 1996, I competed in the

00:21:31.360 Washington International Horse Show Equitation Finals in DC. Every junior competitor in the

00:21:36.740 equestrian show jumping world dreams of competing in the national equitation finals. Placing in this

00:21:43.140 competition, which brings together the top hundred or so riders from all over the country, is a dream

00:21:49.400 for most. And in 1996, I won the finals. At that time, I was the youngest competitor to ever win

00:21:56.800 it. It was a dream come true. A blur, really. I remember applause erupting, cameras flashing. I

00:22:03.820 was interviewed by a dozen or so media outlets. Then as I walked out of the arena on cloud nine,

00:22:09.540 I looked down and I saw my best friend's number come up on my phone. 0.75

00:22:13.080 When I called her back, she was in hysterics. One of our friends had died. He was 20 years old.

00:22:19.400 He had been intoxicated on ketamine, and he had fallen in a friend's swimming pool.

00:22:24.780 He didn't stand a chance.

00:22:28.500 And this would be the cadence for the next few years, this wacky juxtaposition between

00:22:34.640 competing at a high level of sport, wanting to perform well in school, at life, but simultaneously

00:22:41.240 falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole of this toxic lifestyle with people who

00:22:48.000 were just as lost as I was. I got a call from the police and they came and they sat down with me in

00:22:53.800 the house and they said, we need to warn you that your daughter is being seen around town in some

00:23:01.120 bad places with some bad people. And I said, well, you know, I think she smokes pot and drinks a 1.00

00:23:06.440 little. And they said, whoa, no, no, no, no. We're telling you that the people she's with,

00:23:10.720 The company she's keeping aren't bad things.

00:23:14.740 And so I would come to you, but you were so good at talking that you would talk me out of it.

00:23:22.580 You would convince me that they were wrong.

00:23:24.940 See, I thought I was living this hippie, utopian dreamscape where it was all music and vibes.

00:23:32.260 And a concept that 90s ravers knew as PLUR, which stands for peace, love, unity, and respect.

00:23:39.400 But in reality, I was kidding myself.

00:23:43.160 My life was anything but plur.

00:23:48.200 In the summer of 1997, I was at a horse show in the Catskills, which is in upstate New York.

00:23:53.940 I had just arrived and was getting my horse tacked up for a practice ride in the warm-up arena when my phone rang.

00:23:59.740 It was the police.

00:24:02.420 My mom's house had been robbed, and it was my fault.

00:24:05.680 Some of the people I'd been hanging out with the weekend prior had stolen a key

00:24:09.000 and come back when they knew I was going to be away, and they had robbed us.

00:24:13.780 And it was my fault.

00:24:17.860 The level of devastation, shame, and upset is impossible to describe.

00:24:24.780 And this wasn't the last time my troubles would become my family's troubles.

00:24:27.980 And to be honest, we were wading through them all the time.

00:24:31.320 Some of them were mildly comical, I must admit.

00:24:34.060 I'll never forget the time when I was still a teenager living at home at my mom's house just

00:24:38.880 outside of New York City. And I got stuck in a nightclub in the city because my friends had

00:24:43.200 gotten kicked out and they were supposed to be my ride home to our hometown. This wasn't just

00:24:47.880 any club night, by the way. It was a Sunday night party. So picture this. When I left the club,

00:24:53.400 it was Monday morning, a normal business day in Manhattan. People were walking around in suits,

00:24:58.760 going to their finance jobs, and here I was at 7 a.m. leaving the club. I took the train from

00:25:05.600 Grand Central home to Greenwich, Connecticut, about an hour train ride, dressed like a character from

00:25:10.100 a bad play, pleather skirt, Princess Leia buns, glitter eyeshadow, knee-high platform boots,

00:25:15.340 and the piece de resistance, a boa. When the train pulled into the station in Connecticut,

00:25:21.200 I took a taxi from the train station back to my mom's house where I opened the door and walked

00:25:24.900 inside only to find my whole family sitting, eating breakfast, staring at me like I was

00:25:30.740 completely out of my mind, which I was.

00:25:36.880 I thought it was going to change when you went off to NYU, but it was living in New

00:25:42.060 York City.

00:25:42.700 It wasn't exactly living on a college campus somewhere.

00:25:45.940 And so by that time, I think maybe I don't really know.

00:25:50.340 Yeah.

00:25:50.620 The drugs kind of, you know, had the better of you.

00:25:53.660 Yeah.

00:25:53.840 By the time I moved to New York for college, I was so far in.

00:25:58.120 You know, they say drug addiction has three phases, right?

00:26:01.160 Fun, fun with problems, and then just problems.

00:26:05.780 So at this point, I'd say I was moving swiftly through phase number two on my way to phase

00:26:10.640 number three, only I couldn't see it coming.

00:26:15.540 I attended NYU and I'd pull all-nighters that turned into all-dayers.

00:26:19.160 I went to class and worked hard, but there were many times where I'd roll up to class

00:26:23.100 straight from the club, basically out of my gorg. But I was also ambitious, right? So I refused to

00:26:27.480 fail. So I worked. I showed up. I did my homework. I wanted so badly to make my mom proud, to live up

00:26:33.820 to her standards. And I was determined to take New York City by storm. I just did not understand how

00:26:40.200 normal people could operate without getting high. So I kept on doing what I knew how to do best,

00:26:46.380 tear through life in a state of contradiction and duality, both killing it and killing myself 0.88

00:26:53.320 at the same time. Here's the thing about addiction. When I look back at it all

00:26:57.780 and everything I put myself through, there's a lot that I have to admit made me scrappy.

00:27:04.600 When you put yourself in horrible situation after horrible situation, you have to learn to pull

00:27:10.660 yourself out of them. So you toughen up. There's an element of survival that any addict will tell

00:27:15.780 you they had to take on. Now, don't get me wrong. I completely understand the place of privilege

00:27:20.120 that this is coming from. Many people grew up in awful situations that they got themselves out of,

00:27:24.460 and as a byproduct, they built character. I understand that I put myself in these situations,

00:27:29.700 but we all have our own realities. This was mine. So even if my scars were inflicted

00:27:37.340 through battle wounds of a war I was fighting only with myself, they're still my scars.

00:27:44.880 There's still the roadmap of this journey that made me, me.

00:27:49.940 So anyway, I'm halfway between surviving and thriving, depends on the day, but I'm

00:27:55.100 out there. 0.99

00:27:55.620 I'm doing the damn thing. 0.99

00:27:56.920 I graduate from NYU, get my first job in public relations, and I was intent on making it and 0.99

00:28:03.240 not letting anything get in my way.

00:28:06.620 Little did I know, the only thing that could stop me would be me.

00:28:12.120 it's 2002 and i'm standing outside one of new york's hottest nightclubs holding a clipboard

00:28:19.040 in one hand and a cigarette in the other everybody knows that new york city pr girls are the gatekeepers

00:28:24.420 to all things cool it was the job i had coveted chased and now cherished i really felt like i 0.99

00:28:31.260 had made it i'm the holder of the vip list for crying out loud i know the gossip columnists at

00:28:37.100 the new york post artists like p diddy give me a knowing wink as they cruise by me to enter the 0.99

00:28:41.740 club. It's a vibe for sure. On one hand, it's what I always wanted. On the other, I'm less and less

00:28:49.320 able to show up for reality. And I know it. At this point, my drug of choice was amphetamines.

00:28:56.700 And I could say for the first time, my brain was fully hijacked. Amphetamines for girls in my 0.89

00:29:04.040 position are a tricky thing because you convince yourself you need them to help you stay skinny

00:29:08.740 because they curb your appetite and to work harder because they help you focus. No matter

00:29:13.880 that they also cause you to stay awake for days on end and experience amphetamine psychosis,

00:29:17.960 you know, details, details. So anyway, back to that nightclub door. By the time I was done

00:29:23.040 working the door, I went inside the club to party with my friends. We stayed out late and I was

00:29:28.840 supposed to be meeting my mom the next morning for an interview and photo shoot with Palm Beach

00:29:33.180 Magazine about our relationship as a successful mother and daughter duo. You and I were supposed

00:29:38.840 to get together to do an interview with a magazine and I'm waiting and waiting and you don't show up

00:29:45.040 and I'm calling your house, your apartment. You had moved out of a big, beautiful building into

00:29:50.440 a little walk up to save money. You know, as I look back, I think, gosh, I shouldn't have let

00:29:55.040 her do that. But when your daughter is in her twenties, you don't always have the ability to

00:30:00.160 tell her she can't make a move. And finally, I just couldn't get a hold of you. So around 5 a.m.

00:30:08.880 when I was getting home from the club, I had been panicked that I wouldn't be able to sleep prior to

00:30:13.400 this important shoot. As I walked around my apartment berating myself for screwing up again,

00:30:19.300 I decided I'd take something to help me get at least a couple hours of sleep. I think it was

00:30:23.080 Xanax. Well, it worked too well. Next thing I knew, I woke up to my office mates standing over

00:30:30.400 my bed. My mom had sent them to check on me to see if I was awake, alive. Who even knows what

00:30:37.040 she thought? She was so scared. Here's what people don't understand about addiction. Addicts are not

00:30:47.040 bad people trying to get good. We're sick people trying to get well. I didn't die that day,

00:30:55.160 but I remember wishing I had. The feeling of being stuck inside your addiction,

00:31:01.720 of knowing you're letting people down, of being ashamed but not knowing how to fix it,

00:31:08.520 it's a feeling that's hard to describe. The irony is every time something like this happens that

00:31:15.620 you screw up, you want to escape even more. And so you do it the only way that you know how to do it,

00:31:22.180 which is to go back down the escape hatch. Over the next few years, I would try to get sober a

00:31:28.160 few times. I would dip my toe in recovery circles, but I wasn't ready to surrender.

00:31:33.260 When you get sober, you learn a few important things. And I started to pick these things up,

00:31:37.540 right? Things like suit up and show up, stop playing the victim and take responsibility.

00:31:41.680 and then, of course, you're told that you have to wrap your head around prayer and meditation

00:31:45.880 and gratitude, and I tried, but I was so unwell that these things just didn't come naturally to

00:31:53.000 me. I had been so sick for so long, and when you're constantly numbing out, you don't learn

00:31:59.420 coping skills. You learn those scrappy skills, but not emotional tools to get through life.

00:32:05.300 I was emotionally paralyzed, and underneath my veneer of being a party girl,

00:32:09.580 I was holding on to all the same insecurities. I felt not enough. And in order to make that sting

00:32:17.140 less, you end up turning back to the thing you know, numbing out. It's that vicious cycle.

00:32:23.560 And if nothing changes, nothing changes until if you're lucky, you have a moment,

00:32:32.500 a white light moment a moment of clarity of salvation i call it the gift of desperation

00:32:42.280 you're ready to ask for or accept help

00:32:48.440 i was getting more and more worried about you it was the middle of winter it was snowing out

00:32:56.180 it was freezing it was blowing and i got in my car and i drove into new york city

00:33:01.840 and I went to your apartment building, which was like, you know, it's this little door above a

00:33:07.560 restaurant and it was a walk up. I didn't have a key and I kept ringing your bell and ringing your

00:33:13.020 bell. You didn't answer. Finally, somebody came along that lived in the building and opened that

00:33:17.940 door. I went up to that first landing. I was banging on your door. I don't know, five, 10

00:33:24.160 minutes. Finally, you opened it and you were like, what? And I said, get some shoes on,

00:33:30.140 get a coat on you might have been in your pajamas I don't know and I made you put some snow boots on

00:33:35.800 and I made you put a coat on and meanwhile I had called our family doctor and he had found me

00:33:40.880 a doctor who was an interventionist and I said I'm gonna go get her I'm gonna find her and I'm

00:33:46.800 gonna get her he said I will be in my office and I took you to that office and he had already made

00:33:51.700 calls and found where he thought you should go we sat there and said to you you're gonna go away

00:33:57.440 you have to go into rehab. In doing this podcast, I'm sitting here interviewing my mom about this

00:34:06.480 moment that we've never actually spoken about before. She's held guilt. I've held shame. And

00:34:13.060 we've never actually looked back together on all that happened that day. And now, because gratitude

00:34:20.800 is the name of the game here. And I have so much of it. We're finally getting a chance to go there.

00:34:29.300 And like, you know, we went back and got a little bundle together and drove you three hours away

00:34:37.320 to this place out, you know, in the middle of Pennsylvania and left you there. I knew that

00:34:45.720 as upset as you were with me that, well, as you said to me later, you should have done it years

00:34:52.280 earlier. And that was like a stab in my heart, but you were so right. And this right here is why I

00:35:00.980 wanted to do this episode first. When I look back on this time in my life, it seems like it was a

00:35:08.820 storm. And so often we can't see the storm for what it really was until we get out of it. But

00:35:15.500 when I look back now, I think, why did I stay in it for so long? So I'm asking you, what's your

00:35:24.220 storm? And how long are you willing to weather it? I realized that day that we're only as sick

00:35:32.960 as our secrets. I was too scared to ask for help. My mom was too scared to offer it.

00:35:39.580 and it kept us sick and suffering for so much longer.

00:35:44.660 But look what we almost gave up.

00:35:46.780 This life, each other, all the beautiful things this world has to offer each and every day,

00:35:51.420 all because our egos were too afraid of each other,

00:35:54.720 our spirits too beaten down to stand up tall, 1.00

00:35:57.380 until the day my brave, amazing mother kicked herself in the ass, 0.99

00:36:02.700 kicked my door down, and did the hard thing. 1.00

00:36:05.800 But I didn't have, I don't know, didn't have the balls to do it. 0.99

00:36:09.420 didn't. You were always such a good talker. You would always talk me out of it. And part of it, 0.97

00:36:14.720 I mean, to be really raw and honest, I had this overwhelming public job that was so demanding in

00:36:22.460 my time. I was on the road traveling all over the world, and I didn't want to think that it was

00:36:28.440 happening. And that's part of the issue for parents. You don't want to believe that it's

00:36:34.340 happening, and so you'll put it off. I mean, I should have done it when you were 16, for God's

00:36:38.740 at this point in the conversation I was able to say to my mom would you like me to tell you what

00:36:45.340 I was thinking on the other side of that door and I had picked up the phone to call you at least 50

00:36:54.560 times to ask for help I dialed the first three numbers and I dialed the first four numbers

00:36:59.680 every time I would hang up and I would say I was too embarrassed I didn't want to disappoint you

00:37:04.660 So I would say, I can fix this myself tomorrow.

00:37:08.920 Tomorrow's the day.

00:37:09.860 I'm going to fix this myself.

00:37:11.280 I'm going to go back to a 12-step meeting.

00:37:13.320 I'm going to do something.

00:37:14.460 I'm going to call a friend from my community.

00:37:16.520 I'm going to do something to get this under control.

00:37:19.160 Because at that point, I had been in and out of recovery.

00:37:21.540 I had some aptitude for it.

00:37:24.160 I just couldn't stay sober.

00:37:25.960 By the time you came to get me, I just, I was out of options.

00:37:30.100 and I was so grateful that you did the hard part for me

00:37:35.360 because I couldn't ask for help myself.

00:37:37.700 I just couldn't make myself do it.

00:37:40.260 And so we've had this conversation before.

00:37:42.320 I might have said that,

00:37:43.620 but I don't know if you would come any earlier

00:37:45.160 if I would have been ready to listen.

00:37:47.380 But I was so done and I was so ready

00:37:49.820 and I'm so grateful for you.

00:37:51.600 I'm so grateful that you did that.

00:37:54.360 I'm glad we finally got the opportunity to do this.

00:37:58.700 Yeah, me too.

00:37:59.720 I love you.

00:38:00.840 I love you.

00:38:03.740 That was nice.

00:38:09.280 We've never really done this.

00:38:11.000 We never really did this.

00:38:12.000 It's called closure.

00:38:13.300 It is called closure.

00:38:14.960 Yeah.

00:38:18.820 So this is a story about gratitude.

00:38:22.080 About how I came to wake up by almost dying.

00:38:25.040 about how my life was saved in that circuitous, windy, messy way that so often life twists and

00:38:33.120 turns and about how our relationships in the world are everything, both to our loved ones

00:38:39.160 and to the spirit of the universe, that beautiful energy that is our higher power, whatever that

00:38:44.120 means to you. For me, I don't care what you call it, but I do care that you open up your heart

00:38:49.240 to feel it. Somebody early on in recovery said, that's all right, kid. You can be an atheist if

00:38:54.260 you want. That's fine. Let me ask you a question. You got a bar of soap? I said, I got a bar of

00:38:58.700 soap. He said, great. In the morning, I want you to go into your bathroom. I want you to write with

00:39:03.440 that bar of soap on your mirror. H-E-L-P. Now that stands for his ever loving presence, but you don't

00:39:09.480 got to worry about that. Just write, ask for help in the morning. In the evening, when you come home,

00:39:13.540 you go back in, you wipe it off and you write, thank you. That's thanking the universe for what

00:39:19.840 came that day and for another day sober. That was my first experience with prayer and meditation.

00:39:24.260 And it was the first time I let the idea of a higher power into my life and asking for

00:39:29.560 help from the universe and quieting my mind enough to accept it.

00:39:34.120 That's why I believe so deeply that a sense of gratitude is the heartbeat of happiness.

00:39:39.900 Because the first time I was able to get quiet and humble enough to save myself was when

00:39:45.120 I truly got the sense of gratitude.

00:39:47.680 And so that's what's propelled me forward.

00:39:49.420 And that like gave you resilience then in the face of that adversity.

00:39:53.300 Yeah.

00:39:54.260 You know, when I was 13 and my dad crashed in our private plane and was killed, I watched my mom.

00:40:01.100 And I watched how she was able to find resilience in the face of real adversity.

00:40:06.560 And she was like a, she just had an effervescence.

00:40:09.760 She was this positive person that always said, you got to look through, look at life through your rose-colored glasses.

00:40:16.100 And I think it was her gratitude for the life my dad had provided us, the house that we lived in, that allowed her through that incredible sadness and devastation to hold on to the goodness in her life.

00:40:35.060 And those are lessons that aren't necessarily told to you.

00:40:37.820 You watch them, right?

00:40:39.880 You know, I remember when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, within the first 24 hours, I said, wow, you just got a gift.

00:40:47.980 And people wouldn't think of a breast cancer diagnosis as a gift, but I said, you always wanted to be a doctor like your dad.

00:40:54.280 Hello, you can now go out, take that camera with you into every appointment, learn everything you can, and be that facilitator and tell everybody everything that you know about breast cancer.

00:41:05.000 And in that moment, by snatching that little bit of gratitude and looking at that as a gift, I transformed myself from a victim, a patient, into an advocate fighting against cancer.

00:41:18.320 And it changed my entire breast cancer journey in the most positive way.

00:41:24.880 So I've seen how gratitude has helped me, but I've never seen it like it's helped you.

00:41:32.440 to me like your transformation of your life by being able to let go and I always said to you

00:41:42.100 like you know don't stay mad it's better to stay even than to get even like you know all my little

00:41:47.400 positive thinking acronyms but but you really were able to somehow come out of that darkness

00:41:54.000 and hold on to the gratitude of the talent that you had the beauty that you have and eventually

00:42:00.680 the husband that you found and the family that you could have. And you just allowed it to blossom.

00:42:08.660 And that then gave you, I think, the confidence and the serenity in yourself that you could start

00:42:14.720 developing the talent that I've watched you develop in the last 10 years with your podcast

00:42:19.860 and being on QVC. Those things could only happen after you gained your confidence and really let

00:42:28.400 that resilience, that gratitude be bigger than all the bad stuff. I believe it's very important

00:42:38.020 and powerful to make your message, but you can only do it after you've healed. Yeah. Yeah.

00:42:44.720 So that's it for episode one of the Gratitudology podcast. I hope my story gave you a little entry

00:42:50.540 point into the stories we're going to hear together this season. Each episode, we'll hear

00:42:55.320 stories from our incredible lineup of guests to hear how a situation, a season of their life,

00:43:00.560 or maybe even a single moment was a pivot point for them to see the world differently through a

00:43:06.180 lens of gratitude. You see, I believe so strongly that gratitudology, which is just the consistent

00:43:13.900 practice and application of positive psychology, can really compel peak performance, can help you

00:43:20.120 enjoy life better, it can get rid of that toxic anxiety and unhappiness so many of us live with,

00:43:25.740 and it can deepen what I call your purpose matrix from the inside out. The reality is this,

00:43:32.360 you deserve to be happy. And I believe that the key to happiness is having an attitude of gratitude,

00:43:37.920 but it doesn't happen overnight. It's a practice. It takes consistency for it to become a working

00:43:43.340 part of the brain. So buckle up, hunker down, and tune in to every episode of the Gratitudology

00:43:50.640 podcast. You might just find that it turns that frown upside down and you start to see the bright

00:43:55.900 side of things, even if it happens despite yourself. If we all help each other focus on

00:44:00.440 expanding our attention towards what's good in the world rather than focusing on what's bad,

00:44:05.720 this world has the potential to be a much more radically awesome place.

00:44:09.480 stick with me my friends

00:44:11.480 I've got your back

00:44:12.740 we're in this together

00:44:13.980 and it's a great day

00:44:15.520 to see the greatness in the day

00:44:17.620 see you next time

00:44:39.480 I'll be right here waiting till you find me again

00:44:46.120 That's all we have for today.

00:44:51.860 I still smell like puke, but I'm going to have a great day regardless.

00:44:56.100 I am.

00:44:57.040 You're amazing.

00:44:58.260 You're all amazing.

00:44:59.380 I love you so much.

00:45:00.260 When I asked you all to help me reach this pre-order goal for the Sicilian inheritance,

00:45:05.620 you stepped up and you're like, yeah, I will.

00:45:08.060 Yeah, I will.

00:45:08.700 and when I told you some bookstores aren't carrying it because the book deals with women's

00:45:14.480 health and maternal rights and choice and agency and abortion, you said, great, I'm going to buy

00:45:21.360 five. I'll buy five then because this is something we have to talk about. It is. You're the best,

00:45:28.280 the freaking best. You make me happy every morning. Have a wonderful Sunday.

Under the Influence (with Jo Piazza) - February 11, 2024

Sunday Nice Things： Gratitudeology

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