Unlearn16: Class is in Session - The One Where I Talk About Mental Health

00:00:00.000 classes in session welcome to unlearn 16 classes in session and today i have tori franco there's

00:00:09.720 this she look at that tattoo what's up on your arm there this this is maya angelou still i rise

00:00:15.280 oh my god that's beautiful that's a lot of black ink yes i got a lot of ink that's a lot of fill

00:00:21.720 dude that's a lot of fill so tori and i met we'll do a little background on you and then you can

00:00:27.280 you can fill in. So Tori and I, we really kind of have officially met very recently,

00:00:32.360 but I've been following you for a while on TikTok, you know, all of your lip syncs and

00:00:36.760 thirst traps and your really, really excellent hair. To be honest, Tori, what really drew me in

00:00:42.920 was your hair. I'm not going to lie. Solid fade, really good frigging lines. Yeah, but says you

00:00:49.600 with the good hair. Well, listen, like speaks to like. If I'm going to take this time, I want to

00:00:54.600 make sure that the people on my podcast exactly exactly so let's start at tick

00:01:01.980 tock and then we'll jump into your world I'm gonna want to talk about your

00:01:04.480 tattoos probably at some point but let's start your world so what made you when

00:01:08.700 did you join what made you join how much do you love and hate tick tock yes

00:01:13.220 time literally that's it um I joined tick tock like probably like everybody

00:01:22.020 else during quarantine yeah um out of boredom and just curiosity and um i was like doing just 0.98

00:01:31.540 stupid video like my mother and i are in quarantine together and i was just making stupid videos like 0.99

00:01:36.900 pranking her and um then i discovered lesbian tick tock it's a vast vast amazing world folks 1.00

00:01:44.900 yes for those of you who are listening or watching you're not on lesbian tick tock 0.96

00:01:48.740 where are you all straight by whatever it is you might just want to roll out see what it feels like 0.97

00:01:54.100 it's good on over yeah it is i've got sucked into it and never got spit back out um you really got 0.98

00:02:01.860 sucked in yeah yeah i did i made some stupid videos like addressing the community and then 0.91

00:02:08.420 like kind of just people i didn't expect it but people were like we kind of like your energy and 0.99

00:02:13.700 And I was like, cool. And then it kind of grew from there.

00:02:17.960 And yes, you're right. I do love and hate TikTok at this point.

00:02:21.920 Okay. So number one thing you love about TikTok.

00:02:26.480 The community aspect of it. I feel like it's if you're on TikTok,

00:02:30.260 you're speaking, no matter what side of TikTok you're on, you're speaking,

00:02:33.680 you're speaking a language that is sometimes it only seems like it's

00:02:38.000 conducive for TikTok people. Like sometimes, yes, sometimes.

00:02:42.560 yeah um so i love that that's really it i love the community aspect and the and the and the way

00:02:50.080 that you can the visibility yeah right the ability and and i think that was stuck in quarantine and

00:02:58.640 you know i'm going to talk about tick tock but i want to sort of apply it to a bigger picture here

00:03:02.880 because i mean i don't you guys weren't stuck in it as much i don't know of as much as we we had

00:03:08.960 some really big long lockdowns here i'm a teacher so i wasn't allowed to go to school but we had

00:03:13.760 some serious lockdowns and quarantines and and nothing was open and it was incredibly isolating

00:03:21.360 and the thing about tick tock that people don't understand is it just has this magnanimous reach

00:03:27.440 like i mean people from south africa and australia and finland and all of these amazing places and

00:03:36.720 all of this incredible diversity sort of pops up on your page yeah and then if you're lucky enough

00:03:43.440 to be to be a creator that has a you know a significant following you get to interact i mean

00:03:49.200 i do a lot of lives and you get to interact with all these amazing people and and create a community

00:03:56.640 and i mean initially i got nothing but love what about you like when you when you popped in

00:04:00.800 yeah i think um i've been lucky thus far i feel like i still get mostly love um there are some

00:04:09.480 people who you know don't like um i could like when i've done like some i guess like cocky videos

00:04:18.460 and i guess people don't really appreciate that which i kind of understood like what come on like

00:04:22.660 we're it's just me and you and however many thousands of people like what what's your most

00:04:28.280 cocky video i was probably the videos addressing like the straight men who have wives that like

00:04:34.840 consistently comment and say like oh i would leave my husband for you like i address them

00:04:38.760 and like kind of joke about it right right right it's like a fun way like i would never obviously

00:04:43.720 steal a guy's wife you know but i think people people know what is she no just joking just

00:04:51.080 kidding well right right yeah that's kidding um so i guess like people want to see more authenticity

00:04:58.280 i feel um overall so when they feel like i'm not doing that they'll get pissed that's so funny i

00:05:06.200 honestly believe and and look there's a big big side of tick tock in social media in general so

00:05:11.480 those of you who aren't on tick tock can still understand this there's a big side that you know

00:05:16.760 is the lip syncing and the dancing and the not really being anything to do with you and then

00:05:22.120 there's this another side of tiktok that's this incredibly authentic amazing you get to see sides

00:05:29.480 of people that you never would have seen and then there's this push of it and what i love about it

00:05:36.280 is the fact that i really do feel for good or for bad right no matter what kind of hat you're

00:05:42.680 wearing not to make fun of the red hats that you guys have down there but no matter what color hat

00:05:46.920 you're wearing um if you're being authentic it really does get pumped and people will really

00:05:55.880 will rally i can't speak right now or or not so much rally but i like the dialogue yeah that it

00:06:05.560 creates yeah and people want the people want relatability i think ultimately they want to

00:06:13.160 feel like not that they're looking at some person on this pedestal that thinks that they're the

00:06:17.880 but they want somebody who like they want to feel like they're looking at themselves i mean like

00:06:24.520 that's that's how i feel when i'm consuming so i feel like that's really the only time i've ever 0.96

00:06:31.000 got because they're like bitch we know you got insecurity issues you're coming on camera like 0.97

00:06:36.040 pretending like you're the we know that you like are self-loathing i'm like yeah you're right this 0.98

00:06:40.760 isn't really well but but doesn't every i mean i came on here so in my beginning videos i was

00:06:45.400 lip-syncing you know it's it's it's that ego uh or i don't know that everybody wants to be a rock

00:06:52.680 star i got i got like even in the beginning when i had like like a few thousand people watching my

00:06:58.360 stuff it's a few thousand people that watched me for a minute and thought I was cool you know what

00:07:04.500 that's good for everybody's ego yeah but you know what everybody it it is but one of the things that

00:07:13.420 I hate about TikTok and certain like people that I've met is that the ego gets to people like it

00:07:22.280 gets to people's heads too much oh yeah and it becomes this like um race for numbers like oh my

00:07:30.840 god i need to do whatever it takes to get the numbers right so that i can continue to feel

00:07:36.540 relevant and uh that's annoying to me very annoying and it yeah well i mean being and again

00:07:43.160 this applies to all streams right like whether we're talking about facebook or instagram or

00:07:47.640 whatever we're talking about and to be perfectly honest even if we're talking about real life

00:07:51.780 because i think it's hysterical how people we're going to talk about this separate social media

00:07:55.940 from real life i'm like you know what you think that somebody somebody doesn't walk up into real

00:08:01.220 life with a front with an ego with a certain energy that they're full of it of course they do

00:08:09.060 we're all full of right of course they do but it's you know and and it's not that i don't get

00:08:15.540 caught up in numbers sometimes too because you see you know you do real really well and then

00:08:19.780 And then all of a sudden one doesn't do it. Is that it? Is my time done? Am I done?

00:08:24.580 Right.

00:08:25.220 That's your 15 minutes, Joe. It's time to go back to teaching or whatever.

00:08:31.400 You know, so I feel that I can feel that.

00:08:34.000 But what I also feel is that the minute, the minute I do, I don't ever do a trend.

00:08:40.400 The minute I do a trend, Tori, nobody watches it.

00:08:45.120 The minute, the minute there's a song in my video, it's like scroll. 0.90

00:08:49.780 fuck off right because it's just not it's just not me there are lots of people right do trends 0.91

00:08:56.400 that are funny that shape them and that are way you know what i mean or do a dance or whatever 1.00

00:09:00.780 i don't i can't dance my students are constantly like why don't you dance i said because i'm bad

00:09:05.240 at it why why why would that be my thing well i think i'm still trying to figure i'm still trying

00:09:13.980 to figure out what my thing is to be quite honest but how old are you 32 see figuring out your thing

00:09:23.980 is i'm 46. i kid you not i just i feel like i always thought i knew what my thing was like i

00:09:30.620 was always i could be i thought i was a confident person i thought i knew my stuff and then i went

00:09:37.500 through, you know, a very horrible relationship, whatever. And then all of a sudden, I feel like

00:09:44.700 at 43, at 44, I'm like, oh, that's my, that's who I am. I didn't know. I didn't know I was

00:09:54.600 because when you're in your 20s and everybody thinks that like teenagers, you're trying to

00:09:59.140 figure it out. You're not figuring anything out when you're a teenager. In your 20s, you're supposed

00:10:02.940 to figure it out i don't think you do no i don't think you do anybody does i don't have it figured

00:10:09.180 out in my 30s and and i know so many people my age that don't right what so hard side of tick

00:10:18.700 tock then so the good side is the community hard side the ego like you said i think yeah i've made

00:10:26.620 a lot of connection it's very fake um it is very fake it's it's like the race to the top

00:10:34.780 for everybody when you start to connect with other creators um you just start to see

00:10:41.260 how opportunistic people can be and that um they put their relevancy above like humanity right um

00:10:53.260 um at times and that can be very disheartening um and i mean i'm sure i'm probably guilty of it as

00:11:03.220 well like let's be real if we're all creators we all do want opportunities and stuff like that

00:11:09.280 absolutely yeah i think there's a big difference between wanting an opportunity and being authentic

00:11:14.260 about it and thinking your authenticity or your ideas or your humor or your wit or your whatever

00:11:20.460 talent it is that you have that you possess you have a confidence in that I think that's legitimate

00:11:26.060 I think using other people um is you know on a different level but I think again we're talking

00:11:34.160 about that's the world right a lot of people are like oh Joanna if you want another you know you

00:11:39.700 interviewed Rosie why don't you just ask Rosie I'm like never I will never ask that woman for a favor

00:11:46.580 for me to step up because two things number one she was beautiful for doing it in the first place

00:11:51.440 I'm nobody to her you know and number two if I can't get it on my own if if it doesn't you know

00:11:58.220 she gave me the opportunity the opportunity was the interview she gave me that's what she gave me

00:12:03.240 not everybody else's phone number that she lives in a in a radius of whereas I think that might be

00:12:09.980 how can i use this person to go here and this person it's like using that's what i've noticed

00:12:16.820 is like using people as stepping stones and sure that's not um a natural thing for me really like

00:12:25.240 i became friends right i'm friends with a lot of people that have much bigger followings than i do

00:12:33.180 and i actually make sure that like me and ria became really close i made sure that i distanced

00:12:39.960 myself from ria when it came to our platforms a because i didn't want people to consistently put

00:12:46.940 me in that box that ria i wanted to create my own way even if it took me 10 times longer to get

00:12:53.500 where ria is i know that i did it myself and i didn't have to step over anybody to do it

00:12:59.060 But I see a lot of people on TikTok who do that, and that sucks.

00:13:09.040 Do you think they'll be successful, though?

00:13:10.540 Do you think they might have, and again, real-world applications,

00:13:13.540 you think they'll have a minute of success, maybe, possibly,

00:13:16.940 and then it will burn out because there's no substance there.

00:13:21.160 And if there's no substance there, you're not going anywhere.

00:13:23.840 Right, yeah, absolutely.

00:13:24.920 I 100% feel that way.

00:13:26.880 like yeah it may be it may work temporarily um right now right but you're you're not building

00:13:34.320 any skin in the game because you're not putting in it's like when you're cheating on a friggin test

00:13:39.520 it's like okay yeah you're getting an a but you're not learning exactly what are you going to do with

00:13:47.040 that after great you got that a you can put paste that to your forehead but that's not going to get

00:13:51.440 you anywhere you know in real life that's not going to get you the next assignment or the next

00:13:55.440 break or the next thing whatever that happens yeah you're creating this this um environment

00:14:02.000 where you're gonna have to keep on it's like almost like an addiction you have to keep on

00:14:05.680 finding the next best thing in order you know what i mean so absolutely and i mean and the next best

00:14:10.960 thing i know i don't know how much you've had in this the whole tick tock taking videos down and

00:14:16.720 banning people and have you as i have you gone down that road recently they took me out of the

00:14:22.400 creator fund um because somebody came into my live stream uh attacking me for what i look like and

00:14:31.600 being gay and i went at them and they banned me from the live stream and said i was bullying

00:14:38.480 and so they took me out of the creator fund but to be honest i don't even give a right right

00:14:44.640 but that's also interesting because i've had like you and i are both sitting in a place where if

00:14:49.680 If somebody's going to come at us, I don't know what your, you know, what homophobic or gender issue, whatever people come at you with.

00:14:59.140 Right. Yeah. But when they come at me, I know now I have to be careful.

00:15:06.120 And this is interesting. I think it's just interesting on many levels.

00:15:09.160 I have to be careful with how I respond, not because what I say back has any I'm never as disrespectful.

00:15:15.660 I'm never as condemning. I'm never rude. I don't swear. I don't demean. I'm sarcastic, but

00:15:21.940 I have to be careful. I love it. I got to say, I fucking love it.

00:15:26.280 Well, sometimes those get taken down. They usually get put back up when I appeal them, 0.92

00:15:30.160 but I have to be careful. And somebody very lovely close to me, who's sort of a very gruff

00:15:35.460 supporter of mine. He actually owns a tattoo shop that I go to. And he's a partner of Lou's. And he

00:15:40.240 took me aside and he's real hard like this guy when i went through all that horrible divorce or

00:15:45.760 whatever like he took me into a back room and he was lovely but i felt like he yelled at me for two

00:15:50.560 hours about how much better i am than that person for two hours i don't even know if he inhaled

00:15:57.520 i didn't know if i was supposed to cry or if i was supposed to get nod you know anything you say but

00:16:04.080 but he was lovely in that but he's very gruff and he says what he thinks and he said to me

00:16:08.880 very recently because he was very proud of the whole rosie thing the podcast thing and me doing

00:16:12.640 it on my own and he said you know be careful he goes because you're gonna have people who are

00:16:19.200 insecure who are broken who are maybe he goes joe you're very confident in who you are and being gay

00:16:26.880 and being out he goes there's a lot of people especially men because we're that's a guy we're

00:16:31.600 a weak bunch we have a lot of insecurities we come at you sometimes and especially guys

00:16:37.920 who have been bullied harassed who have internalized homophobia and they come at you

00:16:44.160 he's like i'm telling you to be careful not because i think that you're that you're aggressive

00:16:48.640 or that you're mean but you're very smart with your words you got to be careful with your platform

00:16:55.520 what you do to somebody else's mindset even if even if they come in swinging you got to

00:17:05.680 be careful how you swing back you can give them a pop on the nose and then you got to step back

00:17:09.760 like a boot and that's it just give them a nice little slap but don't pull them into the ground

00:17:16.720 because your words can have weight now do you feel like that kind of responsibility now

00:17:22.720 um not with trolls necessarily because i feel like trolls are purposely like

00:17:31.360 they're going a lot of the times i've seen they make fake accounts to go out of their way to

00:17:35.840 demean other people yeah so if you're giving that to me i'm giving it back right you know i i'm not

00:17:42.800 listen i'm not a teacher i don't have anything to really lose you know so if you're coming at me

00:17:49.440 swinging i'm swinging back full force and and i mean i'm not disgusting about it i would never

00:17:55.680 yeah you know like i i kind of just call people out on their own um i do feel as though i have a

00:18:05.040 responsibility to the followers like people come to me for advice a lot yeah right yeah that's a

00:18:13.920 little jarring um because i am not i mean i'm in a life coaching certification class right now

00:18:20.640 well that's amazing thank you um so eventually maybe i'll be able to like maybe not give advice

00:18:27.280 but like coach somebody but i'm still not a therapist if somebody's having mental health

00:18:31.440 issues i don't know how to handle that or what to do but a lot of times people want to unload

00:18:37.680 that's where i feel the responsibility is like oh what do i do here you know yeah absolutely i feel

00:18:46.560 like and it's funny because because i'm a teacher i think people think i have answers and i'm like

00:18:53.440 guys i like i i learned how to teach history and politics the kids even when my kids come

00:19:01.120 at me with stuff like that right like i've sat in rooms with kids and they tell me stuff

00:19:05.600 and i can have an i try to keep a i keep it together but an internal uh-oh like this

00:19:12.880 snaps out it's not a parachute i don't know how to negotiate this and the same the same

00:19:19.680 with followers but they're just trying to reach out the reason why they reach out to you is you

00:19:22.960 they're you're authentic and you've also spoken about your own struggles yeah i think that's

00:19:30.800 where i get the most um well satisfaction for myself but also the most traction from people

00:19:38.080 because i do talk about my journey and my depression and my anxiety and um self-worth

00:19:46.080 issues that i struggle with like every day you know and i feel like people do feel connected to

00:19:52.080 that and um it's it's a it's a not i don't i wouldn't even say it's a curse it's a gift

00:20:01.040 like that people feel connected to me in that way um there are just times where i'm like i don't

00:20:07.440 want to say the wrong thing you know what i mean like i don't want to put somebody on a path to um

00:20:15.120 to hurt themselves or anything like that sure but i don't and i mean yeah everybody and everybody

00:20:21.840 wants to make sure that that world is protected but it's but it's interesting like you say

00:20:27.040 depression anxiety um you know insecurities and the thing about it is every single person from

00:20:35.680 jennifer aniston and her banging 50 year old body to like anybody that doesn't have a job

00:20:42.320 like doesn't know what they're going to do every single one every single one to different degrees 1.00

00:20:49.120 at different times in their life have exactly what you're talking about right and and we don't talk

00:20:54.240 about it no that is so frustrating and that's the thing you're so right spot on everybody i'm

00:21:02.480 i'm getting passionate now everybody has these issues we all can relate on that like you said

00:21:08.160 no matter what color hat you're wearing we all can relate on that level but for some reason when i

00:21:15.360 somebody in new york nobody from new york come out and i'm just like yeah okay i have a little

00:21:20.480 bit of a following but i also struggle with these human things everybody's like holy and it's like

00:21:27.440 well no we need to be having these discussions we need to be talking about these things more

00:21:32.720 you know absolutely i have a question for you so let's okay we're gonna go somewhere else but let's

00:21:37.920 go down this road for a while okay what do you think comes first anxiety or depression

00:21:43.040 or do you think they're just separate issues that people struggle with um for you if you

00:21:51.520 want to talk from your perspective i'll yeah i'll speak anecdotally um amazing it was depression for

00:21:58.400 me i i started with depression at a very young age um but never had a care in the world excuse

00:22:05.040 my french sorry that's right i was very i was a very depressed kid from the time like i hit

00:22:11.040 adolescence i was bullied and stuff like that so the depression came first the anxiety didn't come

00:22:16.000 until mid-20s. Interesting. So do you think the depression that you felt, so again, I think these

00:22:23.540 are important conversations to have because there's all different forms of depression.

00:22:27.180 There's all different causes and consequence and connectivity, right? Do you think it came from

00:22:33.860 getting bullied? Or do you think you rolled into school with that? Where do you think it stemmed

00:22:40.120 from if you're okay talking about it of course of course I think it's imperative um for me

00:22:49.160 there were a lot of things I was being bullied um like physically abused by kids like in school

00:22:56.040 and then my um stepmother my father's wife is uh is present day you know an alcoholic has

00:23:07.100 has her issues and I was young and didn't have control and she was um verbally abused yeah she

00:23:16.300 was not the nicest so I felt like I was being bullied in school places yeah right well I don't

00:23:24.560 expect what you had to take at home because you're the kid how are you getting out of that

00:23:30.860 I would expect it kind of translates into what you think you're worth at school what you're

00:23:36.860 supposed to take at school what you're going to keep your mouth shut about you know and how that

00:23:42.920 plays out what age are we talking here tori i was well the the stepmother situation started when i

00:23:51.900 was like seven or eight okay but um when it all kind of came to a head for me with depression and

00:23:58.360 like really just not wanting to be here anymore i was about 12 12 13 puberty and i was yeah i was

00:24:05.960 coming into my sexuality I was realizing holy shit I like females like I'm not this isn't normal I'm

00:24:11.840 not supposed to be this way so it's just all of that at once and then just there it was so so you 0.97

00:24:17.380 you pretty much came into your like hip puberty and came out in that scheme I waited until I was

00:24:25.700 24 24 damn I took a minute good for you though no I had no good for me are you kidding me I would

00:24:33.980 have had such a better time at university well right thinking my high school was yeah my high 0.86

00:24:40.960 school days were fun I gotta say see high school for me it's funny because so I'm about you know

00:24:46.140 about what 14 years older than you are so high school for me was still like if I would have 0.92

00:24:51.760 been gay if I would have figured it out because that's what I do think I was gay I just it wasn't 0.76

00:24:57.320 an option it wasn't a legitimate option I have a story I'll tell you off camera because I can't 0.56

00:25:01.600 tell it on camera but i have i have a legit when i thought if i thought i had a legitimate option

00:25:08.080 it could have been different but when i was in high school homophobia was alive and well

00:25:16.340 yeah like when you look at the movies i grew up with this is why social media and media has such

00:25:21.440 an impact they use the f word to describe gay men consistently in social media gay women we didn't

00:25:29.260 nobody even spoke about them but except for the stereotype of the gym teacher who i had

00:25:35.180 right and it just wasn't there's no there was absolutely no we had one gay kid at my high

00:25:42.620 school everybody called him this is horrible if you're listening right now and i'm sorry i don't 0.67

00:25:46.960 even know who you are everybody called him gay ray bay that's what the whole school tori we had

00:25:54.640 2,000 kids. There was one gay kid. I'm sure there was more, but that's what I knew. 0.97

00:25:59.200 One out kid.

00:26:00.660 That's why. Who the heck wants to come out in that environment? 1.00

00:26:06.000 Nope.

00:26:07.000 So it wasn't even enough. But it's not like I thought about it and rejected it. I just,

00:26:11.380 it was this shut door for me. So how did you, at 13 years old, where'd you grow up? You grew up?

00:26:18.180 In New York, Long Island.

00:26:19.380 In New York City? Just outside New York City?

00:26:21.940 Just outside, yeah.

00:26:23.040 right so a suburb of new york which is like let's be honest like the multicultural the like you know

00:26:30.480 new york's pretty forward thinking yeah so you grew up there what was the vibe when you were 13

00:26:36.540 about being gay um it was it was i would say hit or miss um the people i surrounded myself with

00:26:47.820 like friends were very open we were a very open group of friends so i came out to my friends

00:26:54.140 first that was easy sure nothing i come from a very traditional italian catholic family yeah

00:27:03.900 um honestly no it i thought it was gonna be though right because my family um sorry to my 0.97

00:27:12.940 father's side of the family but y'all are ignorant and that's just what y'all are and so yeah that

00:27:19.100 my dad's side of the family really scared me right um not my mother's side of the family i mean we're 0.99

00:27:25.740 very diverse we have puerto rican we have black we have we're very melting pot on my mother's side

00:27:31.900 so out of i have six cousins on my mother's side put it this way two of them are straight everybody

00:27:37.500 else is queer in some capacity an excellent bloodline you got there yeah we got a good blood

00:27:42.380 line so my mother's side of the family was great right um but in school it was yeah we had a gay

00:27:49.100 kid and um love him to death his name was ben and he was out and they called him ben gay 0.52

00:27:57.740 like what the heck is going on like did he embrace that i feel like he did i feel like gay men

00:28:04.860 especially young i mean and i really would like to have a few people on the podcast to speak about

00:28:09.340 it because it's like they've had to develop this incredible self-deprecating thick skin in which

00:28:18.600 they walk into a room and they own crap like what you just said you know like the the terminology

00:28:24.640 and yet they're like you want to you want to try to call me something all right you can give it 0.95

00:28:29.380 I'm going to tell you this amazing story in a second but you can give it to me but I'm going

00:28:34.460 flip it on its lid and then and then i'm going to use it to power me rather than let it kill me

00:28:42.460 yeah we love that that's what he did i love that yeah you take it back uh quick story about

00:28:49.580 toronto have you ever been up to toronto never i've only been to montreal tori i know i want to

00:28:56.860 go so bad you got to come up as soon as we're allowed you gotta come up you guys still aren't

00:29:01.980 allowed well i think you are now i don't know it gets a little confusing about what we're

00:29:07.660 allowed to do with the border i know you're allowed to fly up here oh dope but you're i

00:29:12.060 didn't know what the border looked like i still don't know i'm dying to go shopping in buffalo

00:29:16.540 but whatever um so up here so we at toronto we have a downtown core just like you guys have

00:29:22.860 what's your gayborhood in new york city i'd say like greenwich village probably right so we have

00:29:29.980 of a church street. It's on church. I think it's hysterical that the gay people are drawn to church

00:29:34.480 street every single place, but it's on church street and it's the gayborhood, whatever. And 0.95

00:29:39.900 I was walking down there one time in the summer and a pickup truck stops in the middle of church

00:29:45.160 street. I don't know how many, maybe about five blocks of church street is super gay. And this 0.93

00:29:50.780 guy's coming up in his pickup truck. Very stereotypical dude has his trucker hat on,

00:29:54.700 like, you know, one of those baseball hats on Ford, very thick guy in a older pickup truck,

00:30:00.720 windows down playing. Yeah, I don't know. Garth Brooks. I don't know. There's a lot of stereotypes

00:30:05.240 going on here. He stopped and he stopped at this light and I'm walking across and there's a group

00:30:13.600 of gay men in front of me and relatively tiny guy, like thin guys, very, a lot of stereotypes being,

00:30:22.200 you know, fulfilled there. And they're walking across the street and I hear him shout out the 0.67

00:30:28.360 F word to these guys. Okay. And I get enraged because, but I'm far away at this point and I'm

00:30:34.520 well, this tiny little guy, first of all, skinnier than me. Okay. Gay man walks up to this dude's

00:30:42.700 window, slaps him across his face and dresses him down. This guy turned, I thought the guy would 1.00

00:30:50.880 have got out of the car and kicked it no no this guy turned bright red he's like how dare you come

00:30:55.600 to my neighborhood with my people and speak this kind of inflammatory and he went off he didn't 0.94

00:31:01.160 even inhale for 20 minutes whatever the stoplight was wow this guy drove away tail between his legs

00:31:08.380 never to be seen of again let's be honest until he came out because we all know that that's who

00:31:12.580 the guy was in the first place right this guy and this other guy just walked on his way and that was

00:31:17.660 just a you know a natural part of his day it's the yelling for me like I've been yelled at

00:31:24.040 literally while holding like a girlfriend's hand across the street and this is in New York 0.99

00:31:28.500 wow lesbian I'm like yeah literally les fucking lesbian and I turn around and I'm like yes 1.00

00:31:37.600 that's what I am identification this is fine that's a car right and you're an asshole 1.00

00:31:45.460 what do you know what now that we're all being up from that right do you think it's the same 1.00

00:31:53.060 guy do you think do you think that guy is the same guy that does like cat call straight women

00:31:57.820 uh yes hey baby what's your number you look pretty or smiling do we think that's the same guy

00:32:05.480 would you smile a little bit what do you if you don't you're not going to answer me you're not

00:32:10.520 gonna like shut up yeah it's the same guy it's the same guy it's the same guy driving around all

00:32:15.760 communities yeah um so so you come out in high school you feel pretty good about it but you're 0.63

00:32:21.820 still battling this sort of level of and obviously that's all coming from a you know an abusive home

00:32:30.780 so so how do you how do you recognize that how do you start to try to deal with that um i think i

00:32:39.240 completely if i'm being completely honest i think i suppressed it for a very long time

00:32:43.300 i think i drank my own feelings for a while um self-medication is huge absolutely yeah self-medicate

00:32:52.420 i mean i never had an issue but i hadn't like you know an issue with masking i guess sure yeah um

00:32:59.960 that was my coping i became very angry at at a certain point in my life where i was fighting a

00:33:06.740 and busting doors off of hinges, unchanneled anger.

00:33:11.260 And then I discovered writing and singing

00:33:14.000 and like poetry and reading.

00:33:17.660 And I kind of channeled into that.

00:33:20.360 And then therapy.

00:33:22.300 There we go.

00:33:23.140 Absolutely.

00:33:24.140 I mean, that's the big thing, right?

00:33:26.080 Yeah.

00:33:26.920 And it's funny because a lot of people ask me,

00:33:29.500 what's the one piece of advice you would give your teenage

00:33:33.040 self or you would give kids or whatever.

00:33:34.920 And my answer is always therapy.

00:33:36.740 And they're always sort of, some people are taken back by it. And I'm like, I'm not saying

00:33:41.340 everybody needs fixing. I say everybody needs to understand who they are, where they've come from,

00:33:47.360 what they're underlying. And I don't think we ever do that at all. And I don't even think we

00:33:53.060 have the tools to do that. If you would have told me that at 16 years old, I would have said,

00:33:57.280 what's the matter with you? I'm fine. Which was my favorite saying when I was 16. How was school?

00:34:02.160 good I'm fine how are you feeling I'm fine and right because you just keep it obviously I I

00:34:08.940 don't know if I was or what I mean I wasn't out so obviously there was something I was repressing

00:34:12.680 but this idea of getting to know ourselves and and everybody says it in high school right be

00:34:17.820 yourself but please sit down shut up and dress the way you're supposed to dress and take all

00:34:22.720 the courses you're supposed to take and do what your parents say and never step out of that mold 0.97

00:34:26.400 but please be yourself say it again say it we still live in that society where

00:34:34.680 it's like be you but be the you that we want you to be not that you that wants

00:34:40.560 to do what you want to do you know I feel like we're coming out of it I

00:34:47.160 don't know if again I've been teaching for quite a while so I see this or

00:34:51.600 different stages of kids and I see a very particular dynamic because of where I

00:34:55.220 work but nowadays i feel like the kids are very quick to put their add on the table they're very

00:35:00.740 quick to put their depression on the table they're very quick to put their medication on the table

00:35:04.820 right they're if they're on the spectrum on the table which i think is so incredibly powerful and

00:35:14.500 amazing yes and i don't know if it's just where i go to like where i teach or whatever

00:35:20.500 because i think if we all were tested we'd all have something yeah i promise you yeah 100 i'm

00:35:29.120 i have adhd i just discovered it self-diagnosed you discover that um get tested or did you just

00:35:36.040 sort of follow up no i should definitely get tested but um i'm in school now i'm doing like

00:35:42.800 life coaching outside of school i'm doing all this stuff on social media and i realized like

00:35:49.260 i procrastinate i can't get shit done and like i'm just very easily distracted lately and like

00:35:57.180 there are certain things that um i've always had that i never realized are direct like i wouldn't

00:36:04.980 even say correlation like a direct line to adhd and so i'm like wow i should really get tested

00:36:11.180 but it's like i have anxiety so why would i take the medication anyway like i'm going see i'm going

00:36:16.580 off on a tangent right now but i think that's incredibly important because i think a lot of

00:36:21.300 people and that's why it's so incredibly to have a the right therapist or do the right like some

00:36:26.660 semblance of what's the word i'm looking for safe healthy practice meaning my kids that come to me

00:36:36.980 with add or adhd one of the first things that they're all told is change your diet yes don't

00:36:42.980 don't be jumping on a medicine train yet medication right just how about we don't

00:36:48.660 down a bag of sour patch kids at lunch right let's just meditate meditation

00:36:56.660 yes a hundred percent we underestimate the power of meditation i underestimate it 0.80

00:37:03.780 it's because i can't well i know why i asked you underestimate it because i suck at it i

00:37:09.620 I'm horrible. People write it off as not being important or whatever. A, we write it off as not

00:37:17.440 being important because you never tried it. If you try it, what you'll realize really quickly

00:37:21.840 is it's incredibly powerful. And for the most part, we absolutely blow at it. When I was going

00:37:26.860 through all of that crap right before COVID and whatever, and then we were isolated, I'm like,

00:37:33.060 I don't know how I'm getting through this. I really don't. I had a friend of mine

00:37:36.760 And she listens to a lot of podcasts about mindfulness and controlling our thoughts and controlling our emotions. And she said, Joanna, best advice I've ever gotten, even though I still can't do it, it still makes a world of sense. She goes, every emotion you have comes from a thought. If you can control your thoughts, you have greater power at controlling your emotion.

00:37:57.080 and I said, shut up. What the hell are you talking about? Well, at the time, it was around 1.00

00:38:05.500 a minute of my life. She said, okay, I'm going to give you an example. You win the lottery. I said,

00:38:11.580 okay, I win the lottery. You win a million dollars, whatever. A million dollars, you can't even buy a

00:38:14.980 house anymore. But okay, I win a million dollars. She goes, are you happy? I said, yes. She goes,

00:38:19.880 do you have the money? I said, no. She goes, has it changed your life at all? No. But the thought

00:38:26.120 has but i'm like god it's the truth i understand but i can't do it so many people say that because

00:38:37.440 i recommend like one thing i can swear by when people come to me and they're like i have this

00:38:42.560 really bad anxiety whatever i recommend i'll give people um guided meditations because for me guided

00:38:51.100 is perfect because if i'm like with my adhd if i'm hearing a sound or the birds chirping it's

00:38:56.620 distracting me i need somebody to be like breathe and go go into it um yeah breathe

00:39:05.100 right yeah um but it is it's it's something it's a practice that's really what it comes down to

00:39:13.260 it's okay the the and i don't even mean to sound i don't know because a lot of the time when i go

00:39:22.880 into this world i i start to sound like a self-help book but like the ability for your

00:39:28.100 mind to control even things like your blood pressure has been proven yep all right i just

00:39:33.360 don't got it like i'm trying i just don't i just don't have it and i get very i get frustrated

00:39:40.200 really quickly so i don't have adhd but i think i come by uh it's i think i it's because i worry

00:39:48.520 and i think i my whole family struggles with anxiety and the way that i mitigate anxiety

00:39:53.080 is i control yeah i control everything right up to the point so if i'm in control if i say when

00:40:01.880 how how much whatever i feel like i'm julia roberts you know when she said i say when i

00:40:06.840 I say how, no kissing on the mouth.

00:40:08.940 If I control all of that, then I don't feel out of control. 0.99

00:40:14.080 The problem with that is life is a son of a bitch, right? 0.99

00:40:19.900 It will throw things at you where you're like, 0.98

00:40:22.920 which is exactly what happened with my marriage and all of that stuff,

00:40:26.220 which is why I felt, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me,

00:40:28.760 Tori.

00:40:29.840 Well, that's it.

00:40:31.400 And even you see that with COVID too, you know, when the world shuts down.

00:40:35.980 Yeah.

00:40:36.140 I mean, obviously not for everybody, but the people who were lucky enough to get through it without losing a family member or themselves, those people were given an opportunity to really assess their frigging lives, you know what I mean?

00:40:54.660 Myself included.

00:40:56.140 Absolutely.

00:40:57.200 So I think –

00:40:58.540 And understand – go ahead, sorry.

00:41:00.600 No, no, no.

00:41:01.080 What were you going to say?

00:41:01.680 And understand that life is going to hit you with tidal waves.

00:41:07.300 Yeah.

00:41:07.680 And I've been mitigating a tidal wave for my life.

00:41:11.520 And then come COVID, for whatever reason, and again, I was obviously older when it hit.

00:41:16.520 It was like, bam, bam, bam.

00:41:19.200 Like, divorce, COVID, my mom got sick.

00:41:23.040 Like, I'm like, okay, enough.

00:41:25.720 But what I realized is when you survive those things, obviously physically, but I'm also talking about emotionally, when you survive those things, the kind of freaking power that gives you is exponential. 1.00

00:41:42.860 Now you're like, bring it on, bitch. 0.99

00:41:46.220 What do you got? 1.00

00:41:47.620 Yeah, right.

00:41:48.260 I used to panic that.

00:41:49.540 What if I wasn't teaching at Metro anymore?

00:41:51.420 It's a private school.

00:41:52.100 What if it shut down?

00:41:52.900 What am I going to do?

00:41:53.480 You know what I think now?

00:41:54.480 i'll figure it the hell out yeah because you always might not be enjoyable but i'll figure

00:41:59.600 it out yeah well that's it i think um well covet especially kind of showed everybody that nothing 0.97

00:42:08.820 is fucking nothing in life is permanent not your job not your marriage nothing is fucking 0.72

00:42:14.520 permanent in life and so the only thing you have in life is your ability to make the choices for 0.98

00:42:21.340 yourself and your happiness period if you're not making choices that add to your happiness 0.93

00:42:27.760 what the fuck are you doing you know like I think a lot of people live in a land of obligation 0.97

00:42:34.340 and commitment that's me like I if I make a commit I'm in I'm a hundred percent in and it 1.00

00:42:42.240 will be to my own detriment if need be I'm okay with that because that's what I've committed to

00:42:48.880 but even that is is obviously incredibly problematic like my parents got divorced when

00:42:55.220 I was young and my mom loves that way right she never had another partner so thank god I didn't

00:43:00.360 have to go through what what you went through because but she loves family that way it's always

00:43:06.180 been everything she's got for me everything she's got and sometimes to her own detriment

00:43:11.860 and I grew up thinking that's what love is yeah whether it's romantic or friend or doesn't matter

00:43:18.300 i'm in but and i say this to my mom that's not right you that's not that's not healthy for

00:43:25.420 for her or for me yeah right it's like you're setting yourself on fire to keep others warm

00:43:32.140 you know what i mean a hundred percent and i you know and not only was i raised to think

00:43:38.380 that's what love looks like i actually thought that was my purpose was to do that yeah

00:43:44.620 for friends for partners for you know and i didn't grow up i grew up and this is the thing

00:43:51.960 everybody has their stuff right because i didn't grow up getting getting bullied and and verbally

00:43:57.200 assaulted i didn't i mean my parents were divorced so sure i have some issues there maybe

00:44:01.880 but but i grew up with a family around me and this this depiction of love that even though

00:44:10.520 came from the most beautiful of places still wasn't a healthy holistically healthy way to live life

00:44:21.320 that that i think i think well here's one thing i think i think parents 0.95

00:44:29.480 fuck up their kids no matter what they do and that's why we all need therapy yeah literally 0.96

00:44:35.960 You know what I'm saying? Like your mom's generation wouldn't have gone to a therapist. My mom's not going to a therapist. What do they have to tell me? You know, like forget that. But I can clearly see what their mom, and we'll talk about it now, right? I mean, and that's progress. 1.00

00:44:55.020 this idea that mental health is something you have to physically work at. And it's not because

00:45:02.180 anybody, a lot of parents, most parents don't have an ill intention. It's just like, if I'm

00:45:07.400 carrying it and I don't know I'm carrying it and it just spills out to other people.

00:45:12.480 Yep. Oops. And then it's my job or your job to figure out how do I fix this or how do I own this

00:45:20.380 so that I don't spill it, not just to my kids,

00:45:23.180 but to my family, to my partner, to my whatever.

00:45:25.480 Right.

00:45:26.280 That's what mental health is.

00:45:27.900 Yeah, most definitely.

00:45:29.580 And you could literally be deliberately living your life

00:45:33.640 so as not to pass it down to your children.

00:45:36.680 But if you're not in therapy,

00:45:38.920 at the very least trying to recognize it within yourself,

00:45:42.380 certain things, triggers within yourself,

00:45:44.560 you are going to pass it down to your children.

00:45:47.340 It's just what's going to happen, you know?

00:45:49.260 you'll do it because of or in spite of either way you're still controlled by the circumstances in

00:45:54.780 which you grew up in so when i say again i say therapy and i don't always say it to fix because

00:46:00.980 i don't i don't know i don't know how much i believe people change i believe people can 0.57

00:46:08.120 understand yes that makes sense oh my god oh my god so much fucking sense yes you know because i

00:46:15.680 really do think a lot is really set in us real young and I think most psychologists and social

00:46:20.920 scientists would agree that our hard wiring is quite firmly set guys by five years old they say

00:46:29.660 yeah um so let's assume for the last 40 years I'm not going to change all of that

00:46:36.120 but what I can do is recognize it own it maybe try to take a step back from it yes at least

00:46:44.000 have a conversation about it exactly that's it it's it's communicating like i know my i have 0.81

00:46:50.160 boundary issues i mean i have so many fucking issues but like at the very least when you can 0.66

00:46:56.580 sit down and recognize and be self it's self-awareness when you can be self-aware of how 0.98

00:47:03.600 you are what makes you tick what makes you shut down whatever it is you can there are certain

00:47:11.200 habits you can break like for me my coping mechanisms of uh constantly needing to mask

00:47:18.300 with alcohol okay i can break that i can do that but then there are hard like you said things that 0.56

00:47:24.720 are hardwired that you can still recognize oh shit this like i i discovered i have ptsd had 0.98

00:47:31.080 no fucking idea my therapist handed me right right and i didn't even realize and she was like 0.99

00:47:38.580 do you have any of these symptoms and I was like well I have all and she was like you're not crazy 0.98

00:47:44.940 you know so at the very least you can get the validation for yourself but then also

00:47:50.120 have have the conversation with others around you so they know what what to do you know yeah or what

00:47:58.180 you need in that minute or if you need to take a step back like I mean I always grew up where you 1.00

00:48:03.160 didn't if you're having a fight you didn't leave the room oh fuck I don't know you you stay you 0.97

00:48:08.000 stay, because when you leave the room, that's the sign that you don't love the person. So when I 0.99

00:48:13.360 would have disagreements, and people would want to walk, I would see it as abandonment, or I would

00:48:19.560 see it as not loving me, or I would see it as an end, and it would freak me out. And then to that

00:48:25.420 other person, if they don't leave the room, they grew up in a household where if you don't leave

00:48:30.140 the room, things get physical, or things get violent, or things get out of hand. So they have

00:48:34.400 to leave. And I realized, there we go. And I realized at some point recently that those can't

00:48:41.780 go together. Those two broken, and they're both broken for different reasons. Those two broken

00:48:48.080 mentalities, they really have a very hard time coexisting. And so learning, because you're

00:48:55.580 always going to fight, learning how to fight and can you fight in a healthy way? That isn't me

00:49:02.800 just trying to fix it so it goes away and isn't the other person just trying to take control of

00:49:07.080 it by leaving in a healthy way to get resolution you it really is about those kind of styles and

00:49:14.080 sometimes no matter how great that other person is that won't let you be healthy ever yeah yeah

00:49:22.940 it's recognizing in platonic relationships romantic relationships whatever that sometimes

00:49:31.160 your personality type and another person's personality type or way of whatever dealing

00:49:36.360 with things they don't mesh right and so maybe it's best for two people maybe not to cut each

00:49:42.360 other off or say go yourself but to realize like these aren't working together you know what i mean

00:49:50.120 we can't be productive it's like productively fighting or i don't even know what would you

00:49:56.040 you call it fighting if it's productive sure i mean and i just thought about who takes out the

00:50:03.220 garbage i mean look you can have the word fight is just so i mean people want to say disagreement

00:50:11.260 people want to say whatever we can we can verbalize it or we can classify it however we want 0.84

00:50:16.800 but when i have an opinion you have an opinion we come to we come to a head about it in a safe space

00:50:23.840 I should get to say my piece. You should get to say your piece. And hopefully we get to come to

00:50:28.180 some sort of compromise. And it's the compromise that builds a healthy relationship. Because

00:50:32.840 anybody thinks they're going to be in a relationship for any length of time and not

00:50:35.600 compromise, you're delusional. That's a different psychiatric appointment because that's all it is.

00:50:42.380 Can I compromise and still be happy? Is the compromise an okay thing for me? Or is it going

00:50:49.340 to constantly have me spinning yeah and those are really hard things and there's no way in hell

00:50:55.140 everybody says how did you how did you meet anna or how do you know and all that i go you know i

00:50:59.700 know it's nothing to do with anna nothing it's everything to do with me yes everything everything

00:51:08.200 to do with i finally figured out who i am what i need what makes me happy what brings me joy what

00:51:16.180 I can't handle and I don't shouldn't have to handle and then guess what this mythical person

00:51:22.000 appeared well it's because I knew right and and you can communicate to any any person what works

00:51:31.160 for you and what doesn't and that person has their can use their own discernment and their own

00:51:36.200 autonomy to be like that works for me cool I can give that to you I can reassure you whatever it

00:51:42.980 or now you know what that doesn't work for me I don't want to you know what I mean and then make

00:51:48.900 their own choice it's just so incredibly important we're so stuck in our world about a finding a

00:51:55.220 partner be them being my soulmate for an ever because well that's what I saw in the movie

00:52:00.400 serendipity once so you know all those 80s comedy um and and we don't think we we constantly are

00:52:09.280 thinking it's I'm trying to find that perfect soulmate for me rather than I need to figure out

00:52:16.480 and I've people say it all the time but they don't do it how am I a hundred percent fine with just

00:52:21.340 being me yeah I okay so this might sound a little cliche but uh I watched The Secret have you ever

00:52:29.840 seen The Secret listen and it's Anna's favorite book she made me watch it she's all we have

00:52:35.240 crystals all over the freaking house. I'm sure there's one here somewhere. There we go. All

00:52:41.660 over the place. What's on your neck, by the way? This is selenite. Honey, look at this. Can you

00:52:49.460 see this? Look at that. That's what she, in order to propose to me, she cracked. Selenite is the

00:52:56.020 only crystal I've ever been attracted to for whatever reason. I mostly get overwhelmed in

00:52:59.860 those stores. I actually don't feel good in that store. Selenite is the only one I've ever been.

00:53:04.920 i love it and so i'll buy little pieces of it whatever and that's what she cracked and put in

00:53:09.960 my see that's amazing talk about serendipity serendipity um but in the movie one of the

00:53:22.280 people i forget her name but she was like you have to know who's walking into the relationship

00:53:27.720 and i don't mean the other person you have to know yourself so that kind of stuck with me

00:53:33.400 how do you do that a lot of solitude i think i think we're we live in a society where that tells

00:53:41.620 us we need to consistently get validation by random hookups and dealing with all these people

00:53:48.740 going out you can't be alone you have to spend time with yourself and really figure out what it

00:53:56.040 is you love and what it is you don't love whether that's in a relationship or in life in general you

00:54:05.880 know i've lost so i've lost so much of myself and other people um i've only lost myself and other

00:54:14.840 people that now i'm at a place in my life where yeah you know i've met somebody and we're talking

00:54:21.480 and i'm like i am i heard it's a little bit of a rumor on tiktok is it people are asking you all

00:54:28.280 the time on your lives look at you blushing right now i am flat out that's awesome sorry continue

00:54:36.120 i didn't mean to make you blush well i gotta say she is great but um it's

00:54:43.800 i told her i'm not gonna lose myself in this situation i'm not gonna lose myself with another

00:54:50.680 female and she was like duh like i i don't want that yeah because and she's the first like um

00:55:01.640 like healthy situation that i'm walking into and when you've only known trauma and selfishness and

00:55:08.200 whatever you're it also triggers you to be safe it's weird it's really weird i can't i

00:55:17.320 I like with, it's a hundred percent. I agree with that. I would be sitting there with her

00:55:23.480 and her very well balanced little mentality and all of our crystals everywhere. And, and I would

00:55:30.640 get actually work myself up into, well, something's going to happen.

00:55:36.380 The ball's going to drop at some point.

00:55:38.400 What's going to, yeah. And like, I would joke and she'd respond and I'd be like,

00:55:43.180 is this where we fight is this is this the moment and she'd look at me and she goes what are you

00:55:50.560 talking about like why would I ever fight why why would a joke hurt me that wouldn't hurt and I'm

00:55:56.780 like oh okay and it took I've been with her all over a year and a half and I swear to god it was

00:56:02.660 a solid year before I'm like okay this isn't gonna eat and every once in a while it still happens

00:56:10.380 every once in a while, like even with my family, because unfortunately, when you have, you know,

00:56:15.620 traumatic relationships, they spill out on your family. My mom will like, yeah, are you sure this

00:56:21.760 is okay with Anna? Did you ask? I'm like, mom, let's both of us try to embrace how healthy and

00:56:27.600 amazing she is. She is, right. And how we're doing is the problem. So when my mom wants to, for

00:56:33.960 example, she bought extra Halloween candy. This is so stupid. Anna would have bought Halloween candy. 1.00

00:56:39.200 my mom bought actually she goes is anna gonna be upset because i saw she already bought candy she 0.99

00:56:43.520 gonna think that i'm i'm like mom that's our that's our past trauma gotta let that go right 0.51

00:56:48.880 nobody gives a crap about you buying more halloween candy right you just bought it to well that that's

00:56:54.640 where i'm at too there it is where like okay so i i surprised her the other day with like i made 0.90

00:57:00.800 her a basket because she's really just good to me you know and so and it's we're in the beginning

00:57:06.800 stages so even talking about her right now she's like if she's gonna watch this like

00:57:12.800 it's embarrassing but i'm turn i feel my face turning so nice she's just a really selfless

00:57:19.440 person and i appreciate her uh for the things that she does so i wanted to show her that so i

00:57:24.160 made her a basket of like things for her long day you know what i mean and um i'm on my way to drop

00:57:32.160 it off at her doorstep while she's working and i'm on the phone with my friend and i'm like watch

00:57:37.680 i get to her house and she's probably got somebody at her house or something like that like your

00:57:42.240 brain just goes because that's just what you're used to you're just used to being two-timed you're 0.92

00:57:46.320 used to somebody consistently being a dick that that's what i was i'm like watch i go i go there 0.95

00:57:52.880 and her car is really home and she like she's really home and she's not really working or 0.94

00:57:56.800 something like that and like i find i find some out it's just crazy what if you can if you can i

00:58:05.600 think it's super super healthy because i'm gonna guess this person that you're with is also very

00:58:10.880 intuitive probably feels a lot of that if you can tori i think you should put it on put that feeling

00:58:17.040 on the table as much as you can as no as crazy as it is and as much as you just work through your

00:58:21.440 head let her know that you're still working on that yeah i try because those people those good

00:58:28.000 people feel it anyway yeah and so if you don't verbalize it right you know i i'm always trying

00:58:37.360 to communicate like hey i'm feeling less than worthy it's nothing you did it's just i f because

00:58:44.640 again when somebody comes into your life that is actually a really good person you start

00:58:50.960 questioning, like, do I deserve this? Because all I've ever gotten was shit and heartbreak 0.99

00:58:56.460 and lies and this net. Do I deserve this person? I don't. And that voice pops in. So whenever 1.00

00:59:02.640 it comes, I do try to like, express to her, you know, like, all right, I'm dealing with

00:59:07.860 this right now. And she's very patient. You know,

00:59:11.360 How do you deal with that? When you feel that when you feel less than worthy when you feel

00:59:16.580 I mean therapy but in the minute or in the in the let's assume you can't go to therapy let's

00:59:22.780 there's a lot of people out in this world listen the ability for you and I to go to a therapist is

00:59:27.000 a privilege that a lot of people can't have so let's assume somebody doesn't have that access

00:59:33.120 what's the one thing you can do to to try not always works but to try to overcome that sensation

00:59:41.160 that feeling like the negative self-talk feeling yeah um well within a romantic relationship

00:59:53.160 i've found that communicating it helps especially when you have somebody who's understanding and

00:59:57.320 patient and is willing to reassure you um in life in general it's something i still need to work on

01:00:05.000 i'm gonna be completely honest but um i found really powerful making sure every single day

01:00:14.280 before it happens like being proactive amazing actually helps we we oftentimes we think like

01:00:20.840 we need these tools as they're happening or after they happen but realistically you have to

01:00:27.160 implement them into your daily routine so what i used to do which i need to start doing again

01:00:31.720 And every, every day when I would take a shower, I'd look in front in the mirror and I would say

01:00:36.920 like five nice things about myself. Affirmations. Yeah. Affirmations. Yeah.

01:00:43.260 You always start with your hair?

01:00:45.120 Um, I should though. I should put it up in the, I think that's incredibly important. It's what I,

01:00:53.240 you know, and we'll wrap, I've taken up, Oh my God, we've been talking for an hour.

01:00:56.820 I think that that's super, super important. I think the notion of preempting, it's like something bad's going to happen. I think the practice of talking to yourself in a healthy, amazing, this is what I got to offer, this is the amazing, talking to yourself like that daily, because then, A, those things come fewer and fewer.

01:01:24.120 But the more that you can do that, the more that you start expecting that's how should people should be in your life.

01:01:30.020 And when people aren't like that in your life, you're like, no, thanks.

01:01:33.060 Right. Yep.

01:01:34.500 I think that's I think that's incredibly powerful.

01:01:36.840 And which is why I say go get therapy.

01:01:38.920 Don't wait for somebody to die.

01:01:40.560 Don't wait for a relationship to blow up.

01:01:42.660 Don't wait for a fight or, you know, whatever.

01:01:46.640 For the world to shut down.

01:01:48.340 Don't wait for that.

01:01:49.900 Right.

01:01:50.180 Because if you were healthy rolling into that, guess what?

01:01:52.540 You got it.

01:01:53.080 right and we don't i mean even when it comes to our physical health i mean there are some people

01:02:00.680 out there let's be real who are like i'll wait until i get cancer but realistically we're all

01:02:04.980 trying to prevent it right so we also should be preventing our mental health issues as well or

01:02:12.360 trying to be proactive when it comes to that as well so a hundred and we don't spend look even

01:02:17.420 our physical health i don't know about the educational system down where you guys are but

01:02:20.840 up here it's really not we really don't we don't prevent everything we anything we're not geared

01:02:27.320 to that we talk about eating right and then there's a mcdonald's or taco bell in every single

01:02:32.940 corner um our government's not interested in it uh our school system makes you take gym once and

01:02:40.320 then you're done with it yeah and the connection between your physical health and your mental

01:02:45.040 health are significant. Yes. Look, I got a treadmill during this whole fiasco. Do I like

01:02:51.320 writing? Writing? No. Is it God awful? Guys, I want to be real clear. Every time I get on the

01:02:59.800 treadmill, I hate it. For 27 minutes, I hate it. Want to know why I don't hate the last three

01:03:06.200 minutes because I know it's almost freaking over but when I get off and the rest of the day

01:03:15.560 and here's the best part when you're on the treadmill for 27 minutes guess what I also

01:03:21.100 don't think about anything because I hate it so freaking much because you're thinking about

01:03:24.680 hating it sport because I used to have played sports and so it you can't do if I'm playing 0.84

01:03:31.020 rugby i don't get to think about anything else but not getting hit but or else i'm gonna get hit

01:03:37.260 so guess what your mind gets to shut off some people do with music as you were talking about

01:03:42.660 or art and you know ways in this world to shut it all down so you can just enjoy or you can just

01:03:52.160 be present and sports has a way again i joke about rugby of if you're not present you could 0.96

01:03:57.440 get your ass kicked yeah you just got to be you you got to be present so I think finding ways to 0.95

01:04:03.180 force yourself into the present this to me people are like Joe you do so much you help I'm like are 0.99

01:04:09.100 you kidding me every time I do a live now every time I do a podcast this is it you think I'm

01:04:14.780 thinking about I don't have time right I don't have any mental capacity because you're engaging 0.98

01:04:19.720 that's meditation that's better so you say you suck at meditation but you really don't 0.51

01:04:25.260 Because that's meditation. 0.72

01:04:26.720 I don't even have a crystal.

01:04:32.280 You are the crystal. 0.96

01:04:33.740 Screw it.

01:04:34.420 I am the crystal.

01:04:35.080 I'm going to get that t-shirt too.

01:04:36.460 There you go.

01:04:37.800 You know what's funny?

01:04:38.500 And on this last note, when I go into crystal places, I get overwhelmed and I don't know

01:04:43.240 why.

01:04:43.420 I don't feel good.

01:04:44.480 And somebody said it's because I'm a little bit of an empath in this and I don't know

01:04:49.320 what to do with it because I'm not aware of it.

01:04:51.140 So I'm a very young, misguided empath.

01:04:55.600 So when I walk in there, I absorb everything from that room.

01:05:00.420 And it's a lot of negativity.

01:05:02.120 Literally thought that when you said it, when you first said it, I'm like, she's an empath.

01:05:06.480 I got to leave.

01:05:07.900 I start to feel hot.

01:05:09.580 I start to feel, and there's no reason.

01:05:11.540 There's all these scents. 1.00

01:05:12.520 Somebody's doing that stupid bowl thing. 1.00

01:05:16.360 Like there's no, it's all pretty. 1.00

01:05:18.320 There's no reason, right?

01:05:19.680 and i usually have to i'm getting a bit better because and it makes me go to every oh my god a

01:05:24.560 gem i go to every single one i pass it's fun in there it's fun it is fun well tori thank you so

01:05:32.720 much for being a part of this i think we should make it at least like every couple months i'm

01:05:37.760 here uh seriously i feel like you and i could talk for hours upon hours 100 i'm really happy

01:05:42.960 we were going to talk about something look none of this was on these cards we're going to talk

01:05:47.200 about something totally different, but I love the way that it went. I kind of, that's what I kind

01:05:51.980 of like. Sometimes I don't even want a card in front of me. You know, I just want to be able to

01:05:55.460 roll into what's important, what you're passionate about, what, you know. I love that. I love that.

01:06:01.500 And anytime you want me back, I'm here. Well, thank you very much. And Tori, where can people

01:06:06.080 find you in the grand scheme of? If you want to really find me, you can find me on YouTube

01:06:12.440 at the Torrey Franco show you can find me on Instagram at Torrey Franco and if

01:06:19.280 you really want to you can find me on Tick Tock Torrey from zero and I'm gonna

01:06:25.880 put all of those links I'll put them all in the description of the video and of

01:06:31.100 the podcast so anybody can go and check that out cool thank you very much guys

01:06:36.560 guys, thanks for spending your hour and six minutes with us. Have a great day. Same bad

01:06:43.300 time, same bad channel next week, folks. Going to get sued by Batman for that. Dismissed.

Unlearn16: Class is in Session - November 09, 2021

The One Where I Talk About Mental Health

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